You are the dream I live in, the dream I can never wake from, every day and night I'm gon' chase you, Seonghwa hummed to himself, breathless, as he lay down on the hard, wooden floor, staring at the ceiling of the dance studio. "Hongjoong, that genius. This is a really good song."
He'd been in there for the last five hours and would've finished by now had he not been struggling with the last chorus. Sure, he could just use the same choreography he'd used for all the other ones, but the energy in this part of the song felt so desperate, so heartbreaking—it truly gave the listener a sense of longing, and Seonghwa wanted that emotion to be reflected in his dance.
To be honest, he'd been scared that Hongjoong would absolutely hate the way he choreographed the whole song, but when he'd finished dancing, he turned to see the younger boy looking at him with stars in his eyes.
It's perfect!
"Really?"
Yeah, it just...makes sense? I don't know how to describe it, but it really fits. Plus, I already know the girls will be all over you, Mr. Fuckboy.
Seonghwa chuckled at the memory. Hongjoong was unlike anyone he'd ever met—he had a depth to him that Seonghwa hadn't expected and he somehow always knew what to say. He was calm and witty, and part of Seonghwa was starting to doubt if he really had been hit by the younger boy not once, but twice. It was almost like he had a different personality back then.
It's probably nothing.
Shaking off the thought, Seonghwa turned his attention back to the song, which was now at the bridge.
"Is this really something a college kid could write?" he muttered incredulously, listening to the lyrics.
The four beats that followed made it seem like the song was about to come to a close until the instrumental and vocals came in full force, hitting Seonghwa right in the feels. It was the feeling you got when you were longing for something you could barely remember, a trace of a memory. "It's a dramatic last chorus...so maybe some acting? Plus, I want the attention to be on Jongho's high note there."
After much begging (and a promise to treat him to lunch every day for a week, Hongjoong managed to persuade Jongho to sing on 'Inception', and when Seonghwa had listened to Jongho's part for the first time, he was floored. Who knew the boy had such a powerful voice? Not to mention, his high note at the climax of the song just gave it all the more heartbreak.
Seonghwa hummed to himself, getting up from the floor and pacing around the studio.
"A lot of the lyrics are related to chasing someone..."
He trailed off, suddenly remembering a conversation he'd had with Hongjoong two days ago, after he'd apologized for being a jerk to him and agreed to introduce the song. They were in the car on the way to the mall when Seonghwa asked the boy what the song was about.
"Isn't it a movie?" he'd asked. "Like, a really trippy one? I had to watch it a couple of times to understand its meaning."
The younger boy giggled. Yes, it is. Do you remember? In the movie, the main character's wife had trouble differentiating between fantasy and reality after coming out of Limbo. She'd had a happy life.
"Yeah, that scene was really heartbreaking."
This is like that. Where you're chasing someone that made you happy but it's been such a long time since you've felt like that and you start wondering if it was real or just a dream.
Realization struck like lightning. "Is that why it's called 'Inception'?" he asked, staring at the other boy in wonder.
Yeah.
Seonghwa sighed. He really wanted to do this song justice—it was just too good. He knew had to incorporate the theme of chasing someone and also perfectly capture the longing that was conveyed without overdoing it.
Just as he was deep in his thoughts, the door to the studio opened and Yunho stepped in.
"Hey, I was just wondering how—oh. What are you doing here?" he asked.
Seonghwa and Yunho were now on okay terms after Hongjoong had made him apologize to the taller boy around three weeks ago; although, Seonghwa probably would have done the same sooner or later. He felt incredibly guilty after what he'd said towards him at the start of the year and had been meaning to apologize, but just hadn't known how to approach Yunho.
After running into each other at the studio a couple of times, Seonghwa looked up to Yunho as a dancer. His lines were incredibly clean and his moves were sharp, precise, and fluid. Even though he was tall, he was still agile and could make pretty much any dance look good.
They'd ask each other for help from time to time regarding certain moves and could make comfortable small talk here and there, and it was clear that Yunho had warmed up considerably more after he'd found out Seonghwa was bisexual.
"Oh! Yunho! You actually came at the perfect time. Come in!" Seonghwa all but rushed over to where the taller boy was standing and dragged him into the studio. "I need help with this part of the song. I've been going at it for at least an hour and I'm still not sure."
Yunho turned to look at him in shock. "Why didn't you say something sooner? Or at least ask Mingi or San?"
"Mingi's busy working on his own song and San..." Seonghwa's brows furrowed as he shook his head, letting out a disappointed sigh. "God knows where he is. I can't get a hold of him at all, and I didn't want to bother you in case you were busy."
"You're surprisingly considerate," Yunho remarked, a wry smile on his face.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say." Seonghwa jokingly rolled his eyes. "Anyway, here's the part."
Seonghwa pressed 'play' and Jongho's vocals filled the room. There were the familiar four beats, then the climax. "I know what to do until the 'I'm gon' chase you'. Then I'm just not sure," he yelled over the music.
Yunho stood still for a bit and closed his eyes, deep in thought, and stayed like that for a bit after the song ended.
"How did you interpret it?" Yunho asked, eyes still closed.
"Longing. Chasing someone."
Yunho hummed, then opened his eyes and walked in front of the mirror. "Well, to me, there's a sense of desperation, like he's begging that person to come back. He's chasing them but at the same time, begging them to let him find them. You know how it goes 'every day and night, I'm gon' chase you' and then after that 'I'm in love'?"
Seonghwa nodded, looking at Yunho through the mirror.
"On the 'love', I'm thinking you lower yourself slowly, then there are two notes from the synth, right? That's when your knees hit the floor, right-left." Yunho demonstrated the move and Seonghwa's eyes immediately lit up.
"Because then it's like I'm begging for them to come back! Oh my God, how did I not think of that sooner?"
"Yes! Exactly!" Yunho exclaimed. "Make sure your facial expression reflects that too."
"Got it!"
"Do you wanna show me what you have so far? I don't mind giving you some feedback. In return, you have to give me feedback on mine."
"You don't even need to ask. Thanks, Yunho." Seonghwa tossed the younger boy his phone. "Start it whenever."
I'm in love.
His body moved instinctively. He'd spent the last month polishing and perfecting the dance to the point where he didn't even need to think about the moves. Instead, he found his mind wandering somewhere else: when was the last time he'd felt truly loved by someone other than his parents? His ex-girlfriend cheating on him had made him question their memories together—had she actually loved him when she said it all those times or was she simply pretending, going along with the illusion Seonghwa had made for himself?
Eyes meet in that short instant, the moment all senses stop.
What was it like to be excited just to talk to someone and to have them feel the same way? What was it like to look forward to seeing someone and to greet them with a hug and a kiss on the cheek? What was it like to feel better simply just by seeing someone?
For the first time, I am swallowed by the feeling that I became who I am.
But there was someone, wasn't there? When he was a child, he'd met someone who made him feel that way, but he'd completely forgotten what his name was. He just knew they'd called each other 'the pirate kings'.
I feel like dreaming a dream I've never seen, even in dreams. It's too vivid to conclude it as just a dream so I draw and draw, clear to the ends of the shadow line. I long only for the day I see you again.
Yes, Seonghwa wanted to see that boy again. He wanted to thank him for making his childhood so happy and he wanted to see how the boy had grown and what he was like now. He wanted to reminisce with him and ask him how life had been so far, and most importantly, wanted to ask him if he'd thought about Seonghwa even once since they parted ways.
I can't go back to the way it was. You didn't know me after I bumped into you, and I crave for you more, uncontrollably.
What if Seonghwa had passed him by on a busy street and hadn't recognized him? What if they never saw each other again? Even worse, what if he'd completely forgotten about Seonghwa? What if Seonghwa was just someone among many people that he'd played with as a kid?
As if I have dreamed in a dream, I am lost looking for you.
Memories of the two rushed to him as if a dam inside his head had broken: playing on the swings, pretending to fight off invaders in cardboard pirate ships, running around and laughing, getting ice cream together and the other boy dropping his.
You are the dream I live in, the dream I can never awake from.
Then there was that one time the boy showed up to the playground with a black eye but continued to smile at Seonghwa as if nothing happened.
Every day & night, I'm gon' chase you.
Seonghwa asked himself why he'd gone along with the boy's act. What if...he was no longer alive?
Finding traces you've left, I'm wandering for you, a dream.
He shook the thought away. If he was still alive, he had to find him. He had too many unanswered questions.
Nothing can fill you, nights with dreams are all fading too. Your scent permeates and lingers and I'm lost looking for you. Save me.
The few months they'd played together had made Seonghwa more confident in himself, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized the other boy really had saved him. His school days were full of getting things thrown at him and being taunted for having feminine features, and he would often run away from school. He knew no one would bother to look for him.
One day, he ran so far that he came across a rather abandoned playground, and there, found a boy who extended his hand with a huge, gap-toothed smile on his face, asking if he wanted to defend a sand castle from invaders. The same routine continued for a while, and he remembered how happy he'd felt whenever he saw the other boy sitting on a swing, excitedly waving at him to come join. He remembered how, one day, the other boy grabbed his hand as they wandered around in the woods behind the playground together, both their faces incredibly red.
Your traces remain as scent, and I search for you like a maniac. Then I wake just to find myself going around in circles again. Where you at? Where you at? Where are you? Where you go? Where you go? Leaving behind, you are comin' tonight, every night.
Seonghwa would do anything to go back to that time of carefree innocence, to see the other boy and defend their silly little sand castle from imaginary invaders, to feel like someone truly valued him. He wanted...he wanted to feel like he mattered again.
I'm lost looking for you, and I can't forget you.
How long had it been? 14 years? Seonghwa couldn't help the pained expression that spread across his face as he thought of how suddenly the other boy had left with no warning. How, the day before he stopped coming, he'd shown up with bruises pretty much everywhere on his body.
As if I have dreamed in a dream, I am lost looking for you.
Was he even real? It'd been so long—what if the boy really was just a dream? But the emotions Seonghwa had felt with him and the memories he had of the other boy told him otherwise. The way his heart would pound in his chest whenever the boy would hug him was very much real, and the way he'd proclaimed that he'd marry him when they were grownups was also very much real.
You are the dream I live in, the dream I can never awake from.
The other boy had looked and aggressively shook his head. "I don't wanna marry. Too much yelling."
"Why would there be yelling? You marry someone because you love them."
"But my parents yell a lot."
"But...I wanna marry you. I don't think we'll be like that."
He seemed to think about it for a bit before a small smile spread across his face. "Okay."
Every day & night, I'm gon' chase you.
A sad smile played on Seonghwa's lips as he recalled the memory. It was such a dumb thing to say as a kid, wasn't it? They'd only played together for a couple of months, but he'd proposed without a second thought.
I'm in love.
Being with that boy was the first and last time Seonghwa had felt like home was a person rather than a place, and it was the first time he'd ever felt so safe around someone who wasn't his parents.
I dream in a dream every night.
He longed to see him again. He longed for the sense of security the other boy had given him.
Every night in love.
But why? Why did he feel like this about something that happened so long ago? And what was it that the other boy had made him feel for him to be so hung up over these memories?
I'm in love.
Seonghwa, on his knees, subconsciously stretched his hand out for the sky, remembering the time he'd fallen and the other boy had hurried to pick him up and promptly started crying.
"Why are you crying?" Seonghwa asked, immediately going to hug the other boy.
"My mom cries when I get hurt. She says it's because she loves me."
Ah.
That was it, wasn't it?
Seonghwa...he loved him.
I dream in a dream every night.
When the song ended, Seonghwa stayed kneeling, a single tear rolling down his cheek.
i'm trying to be sooo good with these updates guys i'm trying so hard i just pray i do not experience writer's block anytime soon.
anyway i hope you guys liked the chapter! if you have ideas/feedback don't hesitate to pm me or leave a comment :) thanks everyone!