Jaren forced himself to look up and almost cried in relief when he saw it was just Ryan. Better him than anyone else. But also... Ryan.
His friend's eyes scanned his phone and looked up at him with an amused expression. "You like someone, Jaren?"
"No, lower your voice," he hissed, looking around again.
"Then what's this?" Ryan turned the phone around to show him, as though he didn't know what he'd been looking up.
"Nothing, I was just curious."
Ryan looked at him sceptically. "Sure. I'm sure she's great."
His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. He looked up at his friend and decided to correct him.
"He."
"Sorry?"
"It's a he."
"Okay." Ryan paused a second. "Just make sure you're not Googling things like this around him. That's no way to tell someone you like them."
That was it? A smile slowly spread across Jaren's lips. "Okay, Ryan. I didn't know you were just a master about all this."
"Eh, it's common sense not to Google 'how to know if you like someone' in school where anyone can see you."
"Noted."
"But I'm glad you're living a little." His friend smiled teasingly. "Oh, I almost forgot what I came over for. I'm throwing a party next Friday for Halloween and I was wondering if you'd come?"
"I dog sit on Fridays now, I'm sorry."
Ryan waggled a finger. "Nu-uh, not good enough. That's why I'm telling you a week before, so you can't flake on me and say you had other plans. It will start at eight; I'm sure you'll be done with the dog by then. And, if I remember correctly, you said you'd come to the next party I throw. You said that yourself, with no persuasion from me."
"Ugh, fine."
"And you'll bring your friend, won't you?"
"I don't know-"
"I won't tell him you like him if that's what you're worried about. I just want to meet the guy who made wittle Jaren a normal teenager," he said, ruffling the shorter boy's hair.
Jaren slapped his hand away. "Shut up."
"See you at mine then?"
"Can't wait," he sighed.
"Alright!" Ryan was walking backwards away from Jaren, and shot him a thumbs up.
Jaren left the school building. He made his way over to the bike rack and was halfway across the parking lot when he heard a car horn. He looked up to see John's car and him in the driver's seat, waving enthusiastically.
He wheeled his bike over. "What are you doing here?"
"I thought I'd pick you up. We can hang out or I can take you home."
"That's thoughtful of you," Jaren replied as he got in after putting his bike in the back. "I'm free to hang out."
John's eyes brightened and he revved his engine and pulled out of the lot.
"So, how was your day?" John asked, glancing over at him.
"Fine, I guess. Do you have any plans next Friday night?"
"Woah, eager much?" They shared a laugh. "But nope, nothing."
"Great. So there's this Halloween party my friend's throwing, and I want you to come with me."
A smile slowly spread across John's face. "Who on earth convinced you to go to a party?"
"Ha ha," he said sarcastically. "I sort of promised him I'd come to one and I can't shrug him off now."
"I like this guy already. And sure, I'll come with you."
A few minutes later, they were at the park. They had no bread this time so decided to walk aimlessly around the perimeter. They had almost completed half a lap of the place when they came upon the area by a body of water. Few bothered to go there now because the breeze from the water was tenfold colder and nipped at your sinuses. The weather had gotten chillier anyway as fall came into full effect- it was late October already.
They walked over to a large willow tree with branches so droopy they swept the ground and made it impossible to figure out if there were people behind the dense veil of leaves.
There weren't, the pair discovered when they pushed back the branches to reveal an open space around the wide trunk of the tree.
"This is perfect," John said.
He pulled his blanket out of his bag and Jaren laughed.
"Why are you laughing?"
"You just keep the blanket in your bag?"
"Well, do you want to sit on the grass and get your ass wet and dirty?"
"No."
"Didn't think so."
Once sat down, they could admire where they were. The branches thinned out closer to the trunk, leaving space for them to sit. The sun glinted through the branches in a scattered nature, illuminating certain spots with a gorgeous emerald tint from the leaves.
"This is so pretty," Jaren said.
"Right? It feels like a portal to a different world."
He giggled. "You have a unique mind."
"Thanks," John hummed. "It's one of my pros."
"One of them? What are the others?"
John shrugged. "You tell me. You've known me for a while now. What do you think?"
"Give me a minute, this will be really hard."
John knocked into his shoulder before laying down on his back and closing his eyes. The light hit his face so beautifully, basking his features in a soft glow.
"Your personality is pretty killer," Jaren offered.
"Go on, you've barely touched the surface."
Jaren lay down beside the blond. "When we first met, you seemed like the typical popular guy whose head was too big for his shoulders. I learnt pretty quickly that that couldn't be further from the truth.
"You're down to Earth, a great listener and you get me. I'm glad I know you, John. You are my best friend. So thank you, for everything."
John said nothing for a minute, their breathing and the faint rustle of leaves the only sounds. "Is that all?"
Jaren scoffed and flicked his ear.
"Ow! I was kidding, Ren. Thank you, really."
"Your turn now."
The blond stayed quiet for a while and Jaren wondered what was going through his head.
"You're smart, like I expected, but you're a million things more. You're funny, you're caring, honest, perceptive, trustworthy. You're one of a kind."
John turned to look at him, the grass caressing the sides of their faces as they watched each other. His eyes roamed Jaren's face, setting the brunet's heart thumping in his chest.
"I don't know what I ever did to deserve someone like you in my life." John let out a breath. "I've never had a friend that I've been so close to before."
That took Jaren by surprise. "Never?" he whispered.
John's eyes searched his in thought before he spoke. "Never. You make me feel less alone."
He blinked, trying to take in what John was saying while keeping his heart rate normal. He loved how close they were and clearly John felt the same. Now, as he looked at the blond, he could feel a face-splitting grin about to bloom. He pulled his beanie over his face so his friend wouldn't see.
"Ren?"
He didn't reply as the foretold smile spread across his face under the cover of his beanie. It seemed ridiculous for a teenage boy to be so thrilled at having a best friend but Jaren didn't care. He'd never had friends, not until Ryan. And Ryan hadn't heard even half of what he'd told John in the time he'd known him. He and John had just... clicked.
His smile continued growing until the beanie was tugged up off his face. He blinked as he registered John's face above his.
"You okay?" the blond asked softly, close enough that his hair tickled Jaren's cheek.
He nodded slowly as he drank in John's face. He was beautiful. Those eyes, greener than the willow's leaves. He didn't miss how they lingered on his lips. The air was thick with tension but Jaren welcomed it. He'd never felt this sensation before. Was this where he finally admitted to himself he liked the guy in front of him, not just in a friends way?
John's eyes moved back to his and there was something in them that wasn't there just a moment before. A sort of yearning, a question.
The way Jaren inhaled sharply was answer enough. Softer than the cool sunlight against his face, John's lips touched his. Just a few innocent seconds but enough to make Jaren feel like he was levitating when John pulled away.
Jaren let his head fall back onto the blanket. His lungs didn't feel like they were working properly just yet. "That was my first kiss," he blurted out.
John sat upright and reached for his bag. "I have to get home."
"Oh." He came crashing down from his high. Why did John have to leave so suddenly?
They gathered the blanket and walked off towards the exit. John walked at a quicker pace than usual, a few steps in front of Jaren. It was like he didn't want to be seen with him.
"Hey, did I do something wrong?" Jaren asked when they reached his car.
"Hm? No, I just have to go, I'm sorry."
"Okay." He took his bike from the truck's bed and offered John a smile. "Well, you better get going."
"Yeah."
"Alright, then. I'll see you around."
"Bye."
Blunt. Straight to the point. As though just minutes beforehand John hadn't kissed him. Jaren watched as he disappeared without even a glance back.
What the hell?
He got on his bike, his mind blank with confusion. He didn't even remember making turns but somehow he ended up home. Once upstairs, he lay on his bed, watching the unchanging ceiling for a while.
He touched a finger to his lips, the ghost of John still there. Just the memory of it was enough to get his blood rushing again. He couldn't imagine a first kiss could be any better than that, besides the aftermath where John had run away.
He picked up his phone, debating whether he should text him. He decided against it, letting him have some space the rest of the day. Perhaps he did have to be home and had something going on. Maybe he was reading too far into this. All he knew was he didn't want to disturb John.
***************
By Sunday, Jaren was getting worried. It had been three days. He'd called John once on Saturday but hadn't got through to him. He didn't get a call back, or even a text back to the one he'd sent this morning asking if he was okay. In fact, John had read it and chosen not to reply. So something was wrong, Jaren concluded as he left the café and got on his bike. He didn't even have Penny to pick up his mood that weekend; she'd called in sick both days.
He got home and shrugged off his jacket. The only positive to the last few days was he and his mom were getting along more than they had in the last several months.
"Hi, Jaren. Dinner's ready," his mom called from the kitchen.
"Can I have a minute? I'll be right down."
"Of course."
He took the time to change into his pyjamas; he just wanted to feel cosy. When he got downstairs, his mom was in the living room setting down plates of home-cooked pizza. It smelled good.
"I thought we could watch a movie while we eat," she explained when she saw him enter the room.
"Sure."
She turned the television on and they ate quietly as they watched. Jaren wasn't really into the movie, thinking instead about how the friendship he'd come to value so much seemed to have ended as quickly as it had started. What had he done wrong?
"Jaren?"
He turned to his mom in response.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure? You've been distant for a couple of days when we were almost starting to be us again. It feels like we're heading back to square one. Did I do something? You can tell me if I have."
He felt his heart clench. "It's not you, mom."
She just watched him for a while before she sighed. "Then is it one of your friends?"
"It's fine, mom. It's nothing."
"I might not be much of a friend anymore but I am still your mom. You can talk to me." She placed a hand on his shoulder before proceeding gingerly. "What's on your mind? Is it a girl?"
Tears pricked his eyes and he couldn't blink them away. How was he supposed to tell his mom, who he already had a rocky relationship with, that it was a boy?
As the tears began to fall, he wiped them away furiously. "It's not a girl."
He waited to see if she understood what he was implying. Half of him hoped she wouldn't, but when he looked back up at her, he saw nothing but concern in her eyes.
"It's a boy," she said, testing the statement. They both let it simmer in the room before Jaren nodded. "The boy from the library?"
"Yeah," he whispered. He hugged his knees to his chest. "Except we... something happened and he won't talk to me. I don't know if we're even friends anymore."
She sighed. "I'm sorry, Jaren. Sometimes things happen that feel like the end of the world. You're both teenagers and you're still finding who you are. Maybe there's something on his mind and he doesn't know how to tell you. You have no control over someone else's actions, only your own.
"It's hard to understand but you can't know exactly what he's thinking, what he's going through. Sometimes a friendship, a relationship, takes an unexpected turn. Sometimes you have to take a step back and wait for the universe to decide whether it will be for better or for worse.
"If he's distancing himself, maybe that's your cue to take some time and space for yourself. Think about what you want. Remember your health and happiness should always come first."
Jaren looked at his mom and smiled a genuine smile. "You're right. Thanks, mom."
"You're welcome, honey. I'm always here if you need to talk."
He squeezed her hand. "I think I'm going to go to bed now, if that's okay?"
"Of course. I don't think either of us liked this movie very much anyway," she added with a laugh.
***************
Jaren took his mom's advice and stopped compulsively looking at his phone for a message or call from John.
The fact that John texted him late that night made taking time for himself a little more difficult than he wanted.
John:
hey, you up?
Jaren decided against replying.
jaren, i know you're awake.
can we talk?
He put his phone back down and rolled over in his bed. He wasn't doing this tonight.