Maya
I hate this!
I'm sorry for what I said and the way I said it. Can we please just talk about it?
I send the text, typing out a new one as soon as it shows to have been delivered, but refrain from sending it. I delete the apology I typed out and scroll up to see the numerous unread messages, over the last few days in my chat, with my rightfully angry wife. When I came back home after I left her fuming in our living room, to run away from the conflict I created between us, she was long gone and started ignoring me like the time we were separated. I didn't want to believe that my actions caused us to go through another separation, but it all felt too familiar.
"You promised me that whatever this is, it won't steal you away from me. So why do I feel more isolated than I did when you had your walls built into your clouds?" Carina slams my laptop closed, barely giving me enough time to save my fingers from being crushed. She stares me down, yet still somehow finding it in herself to stop her eyes from wandering to the papers in the binder I close, before placing it on top of the chrome computer. But that doesn't stop her from glowering down at me with fire in those amber eyes, making them appear like molten lava rocks.
I try to slide the barstool away from the kitchen island that divides the kitchen and living room, but my frustrated wife hinders my escape by caging me between her and the granite countertop. "What happened to 'You are still my priority'? Or were you just fooling both of us because I allowed you to feel me up just before you said it?" The fact that her voice is so controlled and low, devoid of anything but hurt, makes my stomach churn with unease. An angry Carina usually entails yelling, flailing of her arms and whispered Italian curses under her breath.
Carina being calm in her sadness was the exact thing that ripped my world to shreds when she turned on me in my hospital room, to tell me that she'd rather lose me than force herself to keep watching me ruin my own life. "Carina, babe. I get why you're mad, but I cancelled one date. You're still my priority, love, but I have a job to do too. I didn't blame you for having to run out of our last dinner because you got called in to help a patient." And just like that my calm and collected wife becomes the fiery Italian I know and love. I just wish her anger isn't directed at me.
"Se la cosa non ti dà fastidio, perché ne parli!? (If it doesn't bother you, why are you talking about it!?)" She throws her hands in the air and turn around with a puff of air, finally allowing me to get up and stop being looked down upon. I watch patiently as she starts pacing to the couch and back, over and over again until I try to intercept her, which turns out to be my next mistake. "Stop treating me like a child! It's patronizing." Carina slaps my hands away, which I raised as a way to show her that I won't touch her unless she gives me permission.
Why does it matter that it's a move I've used time and time again to calm Tono down when he threw a tantrum and didn't want to be touched? I roll my tongue between my teeth and bite down on the words that are threatening to push their way past my lips, just so I can keep the peace. If both of us allow our frustration and irritation to have control over this conversation, then I don't think either of will be going to sleep with the person we love tonight. Especially since the majority of the shimmer of irritation floating between us, stems from sexual frustration.
It's hard to believe that a month had passed since Antonio's birthday weekend, and for the first two weeks Carina and I had never felt more connected. Then all hell broke loose when Agent Tate called me in the middle of the night while I was crashing at her place, to hint at a building name and time I might be able to obtain evidence of the bomb Joseph built for his kidnappers. She turned colder than the Artic Ocean after I had to lie to her about who I was talking to and what it was about. Every time I tried to cuddle back into her, she would push me away and say that she was too hot.
Carina doesn't get too hot. She never has, and if she became a little uncomfortable due to the heat, she'd ask me to turn the AC down even more. But since the day we started sleeping together all those years ago, we've only ever fell asleep, not in each other's arms, when she was mad. I tried to make light of it, cracking a joke about it being my lover calling for a booty call, which led to her throwing a pillow in my face and leaving her bed to go lie on the couch.
After a few minutes, I realized that my joke was ill-timed and that my wife clearly doesn't trust me as much as I do her. Which I can't fault her for feeling, seeing how I was the one to cheat on her. I joined her on the couch with my hat in my hand, begging her to please come back to bed. I ended up telling her that the call related to the classified case I worked on a few weeks ago and when she asked me about it, I had to tell her that it was safer if she didn't know. We could both get arrested if it ever came out that I opened my mouth about the information that was shared with me and Ross.
Agent Tate already risked a lot to share the classified information with me, making it clear that he will deny having any knowledge of it, should I get caught. It was obvious that he was terrified of investigating the threat himself, and I felt honored that he thought I'd have the ability to somehow change the outcome we all dreaded. I just wish having his trust didn't mean that I'd be losing my wife's. Carina joined me in bed again after we talked, but the newfound closeness we had, vanished with every breath she took before falling asleep.
Since then, it's like she's been trying to seduce the truth out of me. Her kisses were harsh and hot, but the unbridled desire we found during her role play that weekend slowly started to dwindle. It was bad enough having to stop us from crossing a line when our need for each other was burning brighter than the northern star, but having to stop her when I felt her mind wander was the absolute worst. And that's when the snide remarks and picking fights started.
It was clear that she was frustrated with being held at arm's length with certain aspects of my life and there wasn't a thing I could do about it without breaking my oath. I have just been taking her moods as they came, pretending that she was back on her hormone injections, to justify her behavior. But with every fight I had to walk away from these last few days, the pain and frustration has begun building up in myself, and her slapping my hands away is starting to seem like the small drop that's going to make my own anger overflow and erupt like a volcano.
"Don't growl at me, Maya! I'm allowed to be mad when my wife is pushing me away!" That is it! I desperately need to do something to extinguish the fire between us before our energies cause an explosion that could potentially take our home with it. She gasps when I push myself into her personal space and pull her lips against mine. Our teeth clash from the ferocity of the kiss and I can taste blood as we're both trying to demand dominance over the other.
I start walking her back to the couch, still clutching her cheeks in my hands to keep her mouth on mine, but she makes it impossible for me to push her down onto the armrest without being forceful. When it dawns on me that she's using my fear of being too rough with her, terrified that it will constitute as abuse, as a weapon to gain control over me, the passion and love vanishes from the kiss quicker than I can say stop. Carina smirks into my mouth, assuming she's won the fight, before pushing me away and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
"My love, I am begging you. Please let this go! My secret has nothing to do with us!" I curl my hands into fists to prevent her from seeing them tremble. She snorts on a laugh while she begins pacing again. I use all my energy to keep the voices in my head at bay, who is trying to convince me to shake her by the shoulders and demand to know how much more I need to improve to get her to see that I don't have any walls or clouds or reasons to escape. She is my whole life, and my single secret keeps her safe!
Carina turns on the tip of her toes and marches back to me, pinching her fingers in my face. "Nothing to do with us!? Maya, you are taking calls in the middle of the night! You are keeping things from me! You are cancelling dates and missing my calls! I feel alone in our marriage, do you get that?" Her gaze softens when she sees me leaning away from her hands in my face, trying to protect myself from the memories her raised voice threatens to bring forth. "I'm sorry, bambina. But it's like you don't understand."
I can feel my bottled-up emotions baiting the clouds to form a storm in my mind. It's like I can taste the feeling of worthlessness, of failure and of not being enough for her, as the darkness threaten to enter my soul once more. "You think I don't understand you? Carina, I know what it feels like to be completely cut off from the woman I love. This, whatever you think is happening, doesn't even come close. I am not pushing you away, to the contrary, I'm holding on for dear life. You're the one looking for reasons to fight. I'm still here! I have always been right here!"
Her mouth opens and close for a minute while she comprehends why I chose today to fight back instead of rolling over and playing dead like I have been doing since we started talking again. "No! Non puoi dirlo! (You do not get say that!) You left long before I did. You weren't there. Non sempre. (Not always.) And you are not all here now. You were oblivious to it before, just like you are now. It's like you don't see the clouds until it's too late and then you just expect me to save you from yourself."
I wrap my hands around my chest, hoping if I hold myself tightly enough that I won't fall apart. It's sad that Carina still doesn't seem to get that my clouds roll up like a bad thunderstorm whenever I feel like I don't deserve her. Exactly the way I'm feeling now, like no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. "I never once asked you to save me, Carina!" She tries touching my arms, but I pull away for once, leaving her standing there like a gasping cartoon.
"No, ti aggrappi a me come se fossi la tua ancora di salvezza. (No, you just cling to me like I'm your lifeline.)" She mumbles behind my back but close her mouth when I turn on her with my fury on full display. Carina wipes her hand over her face and lets out an exasperated sigh, loudly. "I can't do this again, Maya." I mimic her loud sigh before leaning against the kitchen counter I've converted into a working station. The dejected look on her face breaks my heart and I hate that I'm the reason for it once again.
I thought I was done fighting for her love. I thought we were past her mistrust and moving to build a better future together. So why, at the first sign of trouble, is it so easy for her to throw the foundation we've laid, out the window? "I went out on a call. The evidence we received turned out to be linked to a classified case. I was instructed to keep my mouth shut. It's not that I don't want to confide in you, my love. I legally cannot." She chews on her lower lip when I cross my arms over my chest, begging her to see things from my point of view.
"Maya, you might not see how much whatever happened is affecting you. But I can. You whimper while you dream. You have circles under your eyes the size of moon craters. You think I don't feel how little sleep you get when you're lying awake next to me? How tired you are? My love, this is controlling your life. You just came off a double shift and instead of finding you in bed to catch up on some much-needed rest, I find you slouched over your computer trying to fix what you didn't break."
I fight against the desire to roll my eyes at her, because she has completely missed the plot. "That's what this is about? Carina, my love. I promised you that I will only look into that case when it's urgent or when I have the time to do so." She loses the fight on her end and rolls her eyes at me while turning herself in a full 360. "Burning yourself out to get answers is not free time, Maya. I want my wife back!" The fiery Italian lifts a throw pillow to her chest while leaning against the back of the couch.
She wraps her arms around the cloudy pillow, resting her chin on the bunched-up material. Her pout turns more prominent when I glare at her. "What gives you the impression that this case is the only thing on my plate? Have you been present in my life the few months leading up to this? I'm still your wife, Carina. And I'm asking you to have faith in me and my vows to you. Please." I tuck my hands underneath my chin, forming them like a prayer.
"I don't know, bambina..." My courage falls into my shoes when her eyes turn dull. "You still don't know if you can trust me, you mean?" I shake my head when she doesn't immediately disagree with me. Her eyes widen when I turn around on a hollow laugh to grab the binder, she believes I've been hiding from her. I unclip a couple of files on top and throw them across the side table so she can have a look. Her eyes widen even more, which would have been comical had my anger not been simmering on the edge.
"The union has me by the balls. After what happened with Letham, they want lieutenants in charge now. Which I somehow need to find time for during my double shifts, reviewing every aspect of Letham's calls, going to therapy and spending time with you. I'm exhausted, Carina. I have been for months, and I've just been instructed to submit a detailed action plan for the captain's exam by the end of the week or they pull the plug on the project. Months of work will be down the drain. That's why I had to cancel our date."
I have my back turned on her, talking to her while facing the kitchen, at the same time I'm angrily flipping through the pages in the binder. "My nightmares are about everything that can go wrong if I don't plan this perfectly. I don't sleep when we're together because I miss spending time with you, and I just want to take the time to appreciate having you in my arms. I haven't looked into that confidential case since the night I received that call you're still so pissy about."
I lose my temper when the binder keeps the pages trapped, turning on her in a flurry before flopping it down on the side table too. Giving her all the evidence she's so desperately in search of to justify her mistrust me. Too bad it only contains the last six months' worth of research, reports, notes and observations pertaining to my brainchild. I open the laptop and point my hands to the screen, which is open on the simulation app I used when I was a captain, to plan the drills for the exam.
She drops the pillow when I flip the blackboard to both sides. Showcasing that it only contains pros and cons of every lieutenant on the one side, and a list of desired values and attributes I'm looking for and ways to bring them out in calls. I blow my lid when she keeps quiet, furious that she had a lot to say about her assumptions but nothing about the truth. Her throat bobs when I hand her my laptop and my phone. "Passcode on both is our anniversary." I accidentally touch her shoulder as I walk past her, slipping on my runners at the front door.
"You can look through everything. I'm not cheating on you. I'm not hiding anything from you. I'm not the one putting distance between us this time. You can't do this again? That's fine. But this time it's on you. I promised you that you are my priority, but I am done trying to prove how much I love you. You don't have to share me with my job, Carina, because you are more important. But you cannot expect me to let you be my entire life again because fights like this will send me right back into the clouds."
Carina warns me, should I run from this fight, but I know I've said too much already. I still love her with my whole heart and despite what she believes, I don't want to screw this up. "I'm sorry, bella. But you could have been honest with me. You deliberately kept this from me, and I'm starting to think your sole purpose in life is to do things that are crazy making!" She grabs the pillow she was just clutching to her chest and flings it far over my head. The soft thud against the front door startles me, making me ball my hands in fists to control my anger.
"Yeah, I'm sorry too, my love! I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that I need more time for work, like it didn't ruin our marriage the first time around! Let me just send a text telling you that I can't make a date because the suits requested a last-minute meeting and didn't leave any room to reject it. Seeing how great our relationship has been going, right? I have nothing to worry about because you'll never leave me, yeah?" I swing open the door, kicking the fallen pillow out of the way harder than I need to.
"You keep talking about putting the past behind us, babe, but you're holding onto it tighter than you are to me. I'm in therapy, Carina. My best friend's wife is a behavioral psychologist. I don't need my wife psycho analyzing my every move. Despite your best observations, I am not pushing you away. I'm doing the work. I know my limits. I know how to keep the darkness at bay and right now that means going for a run far away from you. I can't do this either if you're never going to trust me. I don't want to walk on eggshells around you my whole life. I want my wife back too, you know."
I throw my phone over my shoulder onto the couch, groaning when the alarm blares outside the rec room. "We're up, Lieut! You're usually the one lighting a fire under our asses." Riddler knocks on the door, tilting his head in confusion when he sees me still on the couch instead of halfway down the stairs. "Oh, probie. I can give you a full minute head start, and I'll still beat your lazy ass to the rig." Just to prove my point, I trip him on my way out the door before running down the hall with him only a step or two behind.
"You know it won't kill you to let them see your maternal side every now and then." Becks takes a step back from the open door on the fire truck to allow me entry first. "Oomph." I tousle his hair when I climb on the step and stand above him. "I don't have a maternal side, Becks. Maybe an annoying, much younger, sister side on a good day." His annoying big brother side comes out to play too when he climbs onto my lap, bouncing up and down before sliding into the seat next to me. "Fine. Then treat the poor probie like you would Mads, from time to time. He's a good kid and he idolizes you too."
I roll my eyes at him before slapping him on his leg to shut up when a winded Riddler climbs into Engine 12. "For crying out loud, probie! How many times are we going to have to wait for your slow ass to roll out? I think you need some additional drill time with Lieutenant Bishop after this call, don't you think?" Becks kicks my boot with his, raising his brow to hint at me that I need to defend the kid. I look down at my feet but mumble under my breath when I spot the kid's puppy dog eyes looking at me.
"Don't worry, I'll show you some tricks to make up for tripping you." The probie's grin stretches across his face and I choose to ignore Beckett's wink at me turning into a softy like he asked. "What are we walking into, Cap?" I turn my neck towards the front where Captain Khan is typing away on a tablet, tapping him on his shoulder when he starts talking without his headpiece. "These fucking electronic cars. I thought they're supposed to be helping the environment, but I've put out more fires caused by some tech company in the last two years than I have with normal transmission cars in my six years at this station."
We all share a knowing look between each other at the oldest captain's rant about the evolution of cars. The only thing he likes to complain about more than electric cars, is normally the fact that society now wants him to eat avocado toast for breakfast instead of a greasy lamb chop and scrambled eggs. "You still haven't filled us in on what we'll be walking into, sir." Firefighter Brown rewards his captain with a soft smile but indicate that he doesn't really know where he's going.
Captain Khan smacks him over the head lightly, indicating to the tablet in his hands that he's still receiving information from dispatch. "What we know so far is that the car burnt out in a parking garage loaded with the charger thingies for these ridiculous cars. They started evacuating the building, but the smoke turned too intense. Hazmat will meet us on scene." He stops talking, lifting his hand up to shut us up while he gets another round of information from dispatch.
"That looks like a lot of smoke for one car and a charging port." The probie almost hits his forehead against the window as he gapes at the scene we just turned into. Clouds of black smoke is drifting into the atmosphere as it bellows out of the entrances and exits of the underground parking garage. We all jump out and meet the rest of our team at the small opening between the two trucks. "Okay, 12! Masks on! Sergeant Logan, can you please ask your uniform cops to push the crowd back another block."
Captain Khan waves over the police officer in charge while slipping on his own mask. They shake hands as a greeting and talk to each other in a way that makes it obvious they're good friends. "I've notified dispatch to put out an alert to keep the citizens indoors until we can get this under control. If you still have Covid masks in your vehicles, I'd suggest you get your team to wear them. Make sure the bystanders know that if they stay, they'll be inhaling toxic chemicals that can lead to serious health risks, if not death."
The cop's eyes go wide, and he quickly scrambles to get to his trunk in search of a mask. I climb into the rig, hoping the team listened when I taught them to pack two of each of the things no one thinks of as essential, grinning when I see an extra box of surgical masks above the box of gloves. "Here you go, Sergeant." Both Khan and Logan turn around in time to catch the box of masks I just threw at the group of cops. They nod their appreciation and start handing the masks out to their colleagues first before distributing the extras to the news reporters and civilians who refuse to leave.
"Now that we got the boys in blue sorted, lets run through our game plan while we wait for hazmat." Captain Khan calls for our attention, waiting for us to form a semi-circle around him. "Class D extinguishers only. Letham, take the probie and Brown with you to sweep the garage for any trapped civilians. Bishop, Beckett, take Hennessey and Toby and find the car. Each of you take a foam extinguisher and a container of powdered graphite in with you."
We turn around when we see the hazmat team's van pull up behind us. I use the distraction to whisper into Khan's ear, as not to step on anyone's toes. "Uhm, Cap. Letham and I need to be partnered up, remember?" He groans through his eye roll, looking over his shoulder at the small team he just formed. "Fucking Union. He had one bad week and now they're forcing him to have a permanent babysitter like he wasn't great at his job before." I shrug in his direction, not liking this new way of doing things any more than he does.
I would much rather have Beckett next to me, to make sure I can keep him safe. But I also trust Letham more than anyone else on the force at the moment, and if I make a thing about having to accompany him on every call, then he will never get trust in himself back either. "Beckett, would you mind switching out with Letham?" I thump the lieutenant on his back in support when his face falls at the command from his captain. "Only a couple more sessions and you'll be back on track, okay?" He nods his head, but I can see he doesn't like this any more than I like my mandatory quarterly suicide watch evaluations.
"Hazmat says we can go in, with caution. I want constant check-ins, understood?" Captain Khan calls in for additional aid cars to be on standby should the worst happen, while the rest of us get our gear ready. Beckett and I split up into our own separate teams, both needing to give instructions. "Toby, Hennessey, get the ropes tied to the rig and clip yourselves in, securely. It's our only way out. We're going in blind." I can hear Becks relaying the same order to his team and wink at him when he has to snap his fingers in the probie's face.
Letham and I clip ourselves onto the safety rope, before walking to the entrance of the garage. "Move in a straight line. Don't let the ropes cross. Keep within arm's reach of the person in front of you. When we reach the fire, we'll use the extinguishers to put it out. Expose the lithium batteries and cover it with the powdered graphite. CO2 will take care of the rest. Try to be quick but thorough and we'll all get to go home without a doctor's visit at the end of shift." I look at the faces of the team in front of me, waiting for each of them to nod their agreement before I lead them into the building.
Despite Captain Khan's hatred for the electric cars, putting the fire out went off without a hitch but we all did have to get checked out at the hospital. It was standard protocol whenever we got exposed to a chemical fire, to run our bloodwork through the system to make sure we get the all-clear. "Does your wife know you're here?" Beckett hands me a bottle of water as he sits down next to me on the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. "She's in the middle of a delivery, but according to the nurse, she requested updates on my results. I guess that's progress, right?"
He mimics my position by resting his arms on his knees, dangling the water bottle between his legs. "I don't want you to get mad at me, but I know our friendship can survive it, nonetheless." I growl a warning at him, while fighting a smile at how unbothered he is by my threats. "I hate you." He taps my knee with his, sticking out his tongue at me. "You love me, now shut up so I can give you advice." I lean back in my chair, gulping down the entire bottle of water to buy myself some time.
"I'm sure my lovely wife has used the sinewave analogy with you before. The whole ups and downs thing?" I smirk up to the ceiling because I can already see where this conversation is heading. And I'd much rather stay in limbo where I don't have to worry about the consequences of another one of my lows. Becks moves to the edge of the chair so he can look me in the eyes when he bestows his words of wisdom on me. "You didn't want Mol's advice when you came over the other night, so you're stuck with my second-hand mind tricks."
My best friend takes out his sobriety chip, laying it flat on his palm between us. He gives me a look with a raised brow until I take off my wedding ring and lay it on top. "You and Carina had a whirlwind relationship before your separation. Your go-to-move was to hide from each other, so you won't cause more conflict. Now you're a lot more open and vocal which leads to the conflict you've been avoiding for years. Clearly, neither works for you, so what are you going to do to find a middle ground?"
I sigh loudly, absentmindedly rubbing my empty ring finger as a nervous habit I'll never be able to stop. "Beh, her wife is going to give them both some time to work through their anger so we can have a normal conversation that doesn't result in more yelling and running." I shoot out of my chair upon hearing my wife's voice in front of us. Her eyes are still glowing from the anger she just referred to and they somehow darken even more when she doesn't see my ring on the finger I've been pulling on through my whole chat with Becks.
If I wasn't paying such close attention to her features, I probably would have missed the lines above her top lip as she clenches her jaw. Her eyelid also twitches when her gaze zeros in on the cotton ball taped to the inside of my arm where I just had my blood drawn. "Afternoon, Italy." Becks also gets up from his chair, handing me back my ring before slipping his chip in his pocket. The corners of Carina's lips involuntarily lift into a tight smile when she acutely observes the black silicone ring moving down to its rightful place.
She rewards me with a raised eyebrow, taunting me to say anything about her possessiveness while we are still technically in a fight. "I went by the lab to get your test results. No abnormalities found. You're free to go." My wife only addresses Beckett, bypassing my outstretched palm, to hand the envelopes containing our discharge papers to him instead. I curl my hand in a fist when she turns around without another word. "Thank you for checking up on me, love." Beckett clears his throat when the tension intensifies between us.
He also chokes on his laugh when Carina mumbles something under her breath, but walk away when she turns her fury on him. "Sono felice che tu sia al sicuro (I'm glad you're safe), bambina. But I'm still mad at you." I roll my own smile back between my lips when her voice gives away that she's not as angry with me as she wants her face to portray. "Bene, anch'io sono arrabbiato con te. (Good, I'm angry with you too.)" Her own lips lift into a lopsided grin when I purposefully brush my fingers against the back of her hand while using my poorest excuse of an Italian accent.
"I must get back to work, bella. Keep taking fluids. If you get a cough, call me. Only when you feel sick, understood? I might be less angry tomorrow and then you can try texting about normal things again." She rewards me with a full smile for a second before her brows furrow into the scowl I'm now convinced is her mask to hide her hurt. "I love you, Carina." My wife shakes her head, tells Beckett and the rest of my team goodbye before turning on the balls of her feet. She starts walking away and I can feel my heart pull with every step she takes.
"Anch'io ti amo. (I love you too.)" I turn towards a grinning Beckett and punch my fist in the air to celebrate the fact that I caught Carina's soft whisper. I can hear her laugh echo Beckett's as she walks away and for the first time in days, my heart starts beating again and the colors becomes more vivid around me. "Well, would you look at that. Lieutenant Broody is smiling. Seems like at least one of you listened to my wife's expertise." I slap him against his stomach but can't help my grin from somehow stretching even further across my face.
"She's the reason I wasn't allowed to come over last night, isn't she?" He shrugs his shoulders while walking away from me. "What can I say? Molly is very protective over you. And she loves when people come to her for advice." I glare at him with my smile still edged on my face, falling into step beside him. "The same advice I just gave you, albeit with much less wine. Seems like it worked though." I throw my arm over his shoulders, pulling him into a side hug before kissing his cheek. "You Becketts are the best. Saving my ass, again and again."