"How have you been feeling since our last session?", my therapist asks me. I shrug, not knowing the answer myself. "Have you talked to anybody else about this besides me and Thomas?", she asks. "No", I simply answer. "Are you afraid?" she asks. I look at my hands that are fiddling together, a sign that I'm anxious and nervous. "I'll take your silence as a, yes?", she pushes for an answer. "Y/n, I'm only here to help you. I can't help you if you don't open up to me", she says. I take a deep breath. Holding it in for a couple of seconds before letting it out. " To be honest with you, I don't know how I feel. I go home, I work, and I try to not think about it. I try to busy myself to distract myself", I tell her, looking at the ground. "Why do you think you're suppressing these feelings?" she asks. I finally look at her, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. " I don't know. Maybe because if I talk about it, I'll start blaming myself. I don't want him to feel the same way I did", you tell her. "Okay, reasonable reasons. But you have to understand that he won't feel exactly how you feel. His grief will he different than yours and no-one can compare that to your grief. You were the one who carried that child for 4 months. " My therapist says to me. My tears now falling down my face at the realization that she is right." You can't protect everyone from the truth or hurt y/n ", she says. I simply nod. " How about we call it quits for today. I want you to go home, call Thomas, and talk to him, have a deep conversation and listen to how he feels about everything ", she says. "Okay", you agree, getting up and wiping your face from the tears. " I'll see you next week, okay?", she gives me a smile as I walk through the door to exit the building.
Once I'm home, our home, you look around and notice now empty it feels. Before, it was always filled with music and laughter. Now it's filled with silence and my cries. I put my bag down on the couch and sit, thinking and contemplating what to do. It's been almost a month since I miscarried our baby. I did everything myself, Thomas being the only person I could trust. I haven't asked how he felt about the situation having been too worried about me and my state of mind. I take a deep breath and gather the courage to call him. I haven't spoken to him about the situation since I started therapy. I unlock my phone, looking for his contact, and dial his number. It rings a couple of times until he finally picks up. "Hey everything alright?", he whispers into the phone. "Yeah. I just wanted to know if you were up for a chat?", I ask. There was background noice on the other end of the phone. I clearly hear Harry's voice trying to get Thomas's attention. " Yeah, I'm down for it. At your house?" he asks. " Yeah, you can stop by whenever you have the time. Just let me know when you're on your way", I say before I hang up, throwing my phone back on the sofa. I lied down on the sofa and stared at the high ceilings of the living room. Soon, I started to feel my eyes close, sleep soon consuming me.
I get woken up by my phone ringing loudly in my ear. I groan and look at my phone to see that Thomas is calling. I pick up, allowing for the FaceTime to load. I soon see Thomas's face on the screen. He smiles, seeing my face for the first time in weeks. Yes, I work with him almost every day but since everything happened, I've been working from home, not wanting to be bothered. "Hey, 'is it okay if I stop by now?", he asks, noticing he's in his car. "Yeah, that's fine. I'll be in the backyard so just come in", I tell him. "Okay, see you in a bit", he says to me as he starts his car. "Okay", I say and hang up. I get up and go into the kitchen to start up the coffee machine. One thing you and Thomas bond over is your love for coffee. You make two cups of coffee once the machine was ready and made your way to the gazebo by the pool. As you waited, you couldn't help but remember the fun you and Harry had decorating the backyard. It was exactly how you had envisioned it in your head. You were pulled from your thoughts by the sound of the backyard gate opening and closing.
Thomas came up to you and engulfed you in a huge hug, one that you desperately needed. "It's so good to see you y/n ", he says as he sat down next to you. I grabbed the mug from the table in front of us and hand it to him. "Be careful, it's hot", you warn him, handing him the mug. "Thank you", he says, grabbing the mug and taking a sip of the hot coffee. "How's therapy?", he asks immediately. "After three sessions, I finally opened up a little", you say taking another sip of my coffee. "That's great. It's progress", he says giving me a smile that's filled with what you can describe as hope. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess". I blurt out, his eyes instantly looking at me with sympathy. "You don't have to be sorry for that. I'm just happy to know that you confide in me with something like this", he says. "How do you feel about it though?", I ask, placing my mug on the table. "It's hard. You know Harry is my best mate", you nod, " every time I look at him, I feel guilty and sad. I think about what could've been for the two of you", he says. The tears on your eyes spilling on your face."Do you plan on telling him?" he asks. I wipe my face and nod." I just don't know how Thomas. How am I going to tell him with his girlfriend in the picture??", I tell him. "I know how sensitive the topic is, but the good thing is that they weren't together when the act happened", he tells you, placing his hand on your knee, which was bouncing at the anxiety that was building up inside you. "He'll be pissed off at you for keeping it from him", I say. He nods in agreement. "I know. Which is why you have to tell him soon. Yes, he'll he pissed off at first, but he will have to understand", he says giving me reassurance. "When should I tell him?", you ask. He stays silent for a minute thinking. "Well, I know Amelia is going to take an all-girls trip this weekend. He won't be doing anything besides hanging out with me. Maybe you can tell him then?'' he explains. You think about it for a minute, thinking if it was a good idea. "I need you there Tom", you confess. "I'll be there. I'll even bring him", he says giving me a reassuring smile.
" Be honest with me. Are you good?" he asks me, a bit of worry in his voice. "I will be, with time. It's just very hard to face. Being a mother has always been a dream, and having it taken away from me really destroyed me", I confess. Talking to him was much easier than talking to my therapist. "I can't even imagine what was going through your mind when it happened. I was scared when I got the call from the hospital. You told them to call me?", he asks. "Yeah, right before I passed out " I say, looking at the pool in front of us. "You're strong y/n, don't forget that. I know you blame yourself for what happened, but it isn't your fault. You had no control of what happened", he says. I just nod, staying silent. We spoke more, a different topic since it was getting too much for me. He soon left, leaving me by myself in this big empty house.
Harry's P O V
The weekend had arrived which meant that Amelia, my girlfriend, has left to go on holiday. She had stayed the night, wanting to spend as much time with me as possible. This relationship was...different. Amelia was beautiful but she was becoming to be too much for me. Nothing compared to what I had with y/n. Everything felt easy. I didn't have to try as much since she wasn't fazed by how famous I was. I could truly just be myself around her. I haven't seen her since our last night together. It was the day we called it quits on us. It was hard for me to get over her, especially since she works close with Tom. It was strange that she hasn't stopped by in the meetings, especially since there were talks about me writing a new record. I don't necessarily ask Thomas how she's doing, not because I don't care, but because I'm afraid of her doing extremely well.
Currently I'm in the living room scrolling through Instagram. The front door opens, Thomas walking in looking a bit nervous. "You alright mate?", I ask as he sits down next to me. He takes deep breaths, like he was trying to calm down. I scrunch my eyebrows together in confusion, getting a bit worried. "Mate?". I ask again. He rubs his hands on his jeans before building up the courage to talk to me. " You know that I would never-lie to you unless it was something important right?", he asks me. "Yeah, I know" I say waiting for him to continue."well, I've been keeping something from you for the last few weeks that's very important", he says not meeting my eyes. I bite my bottom lip, waiting to hear what he has to say. "Just know that I had to okay, that it wasn't my place to tell you", he says.
"What's going on mate? You're starting to scare me" I say. Before he could answer his phone rang. He looked at me then back at his phone before answering. I couldn't hear who it was, but his face looked very worried, his face turning pale. "I'll be right there", he says before getting up abruptly. "Mate, what happened? What's going on!!", now I was worried. "I can't explain right now. Just grab your shit and let's go". I grabbed my phone and wallet and we rushed to his car. He sped through the busy streets of Los Angeles and made his way to a familiar route. The route to our house. "Is y/n okay?!", I ask frantically. He didn't say anything as he parked his car in the driveway and ran inside. I followed him. "Where is she?", he asks the housekeeper. She's crying frantically as she points to the bedroom. Our bedroom. We run upstairs and go to the bedroom. The door was locked, cries could he heard on the other side, and heavy breathing. "y/n open the door", Thomas says, jiggling the doorknob. "Y/n" he repeats. Nothing. I push him back, placing my ear against the door listening to her cries. The breathing sounded short. She was out of breath. It sounded too familiar for my liking.
"We need to get this door opened. She's having a panic attack", I say. We stepped back and I kicked the door hard, causing the door to open. Thomas looked around the room frantically, trying to find y/n. I did the same. "Found her!", I heard Thomas day in the direction of the closet. I ran there only to find him crouched down in front of her trying to control her breathing. That's not going to work. I knew what would but didn't want to overstep. I look around the closet, everything a mess. Clothes everywhere. A specific piece of clothing captured my attention. It was a small pastel green onesie. Why would she have this? I picked it up noticing that there was writing on it. I read it, the onesie saying ' hello daddy I can't wait to meet you' along with two footprints at the bottom. Was she pregnant?? "Harry mate, I need your help, she's not calming down", Thomas frantically says. " Leave the room Tom", I instruct. "What are you going to do?", he says looking at the piece of clothing in my hand. "I'm going to calm her down. Prepare some tea that's in the top cabinet, it'll help her relax afterwards". He looks at me once more before exiting the room. Y/n used to get a lot of panic attacks before we were together and one thing that always helped was skin to skin contact.
I took my shirt off and sat behind her and I hesitantly removed her shirt before bringing her closer to me, her back pressed against my torso. "Shhh breathe for me baby " I cooed as we breathed, rocking back and forth trying to control hers. "Breath y/n, come on, in and out", I say. After a couple of minutes her breathing slowed down. We stayed like this for a couple of minutes until I feel her body go limp. She was still breathing, good. She had fallen asleep. I got up slowly and picked her up. I carried her to the bed and slowly put her shirt back on. I sat down next to her and watched her sleep, her chest rising and falling at a normal speed. I gently removed the strand of hair that covered her eyes. I looked at her once more before putting my shirt back on and heading downstairs and into the kitchen. "How is she?" Thomas asks, turning the stove off. "She's okay, she fell asleep", I say. " Now are you going to explain what the fuck is going on?", I harshly say, getting annoyed at being left out. He cleared his throat before opening the door leading to the backyard. We sat by the pool, Thomas avoiding all kinds of eye contact with me. "Answer me this question then, since you don't want to talk", I say leaning in my elbows again my knees, eyebrows furrowed. "Is she pregnant?", I ask. His eyes landed on me before he let out a big sigh. "No", he says. "Well... not anymore at least", he continues my body going frigid. "What do you mean by 'anymore' ", I ask. Silence.
"Come on mate, tell me. Clearly, she's not in the right mindset to tell me herself", I add. "Before I tell you, you have to promise that you will listen to what she has to say Harry. Especially her reasoning behind her actions", he says. "Yes", I simply say. He relaxes back into his seat before answering. "Five months ago, she was pregnant. I had no idea about it until I received a phone call from the hospital in the middle of the night. I rushed to the hospital and once I was there the doctor told me what happened. To say I was shocked was an understatement but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense", he says pausing to see my reaction. I held my feelings in, feeling a bit numb. " She was constantly tired, complained about feeling sick and she soon stopped showing up. Her excuse was always that she wasn't well, but I never questioned since she always got the job done. She avoided going out and I got worried until she reassured me it was just a bug. She would always call me as well to let me know she was okay. After I found out, she explained everything. That, she would have to explain it to you so you can better understand." he paused watching my every move. I motioned for him to continue. "After that experience, she wasn't there mentally. She went down a deep hole of depression. She didn't talk to anyone besides me. When we did speak, it was only about work, nothing else. At the hospital, she promised that she would tell you, but she made me promise to not tell you anything. Seeing her suffer by herself made me agree to it. Mate I'm telling you, that version of her was different, me and you have never seen her like that. I saw how she acted the days I did have to see for work. She was drinking and taking drugs. So, I recommended therapy, and the only reason why she went was because I threatened to tell you. Slowly I started seeing the old y/n come back. She called more often, sometimes calling me through FaceTime" he says to me.
Fucking hell. All I could think about was that she was pregnant with my child. She was going to have the baby we always talked about. Why did she decide not to tell me? Why did she trust Thomas and not me? "Mate?", Thomas waved his hand in front of my face. "Please know that she had her reasons not to say anything. Hell, it wasn't for her having the miscarriage I think I wouldn't have known either. Listen to her and try to understand her. She hasn't fully recovered from it, only a month passing", he states, "a month? She was pregnant last month? " I ask in disbelief. All he does was nod. There were so many emotions going through my head. All of a sudden, I find myself bawling my eyes out, the tears running down my face. I feet anger, sympathy, frustration, and loss all at once.Thomas hugged me tightly comforting me as my best mate. Why did this have to happen to us... to her. She's always wanted to be a mother. We talked about it all the time when we were together. It just wasn't fair. Life want being fair to her.