A/N
"Someone you Loved" by Lewis Capaldi
***
I awoke to soft light filtering through the windows, casting a gentle glow over the room. I was in a large, elegant bed, the comforter fluffy enough to feel like a cloud. The scent of the blankets held the scent of the person whose bed I must have been in. Blinking away sleep, I found myself lying in Loki's bed, the sheets soft against my skin, a comforting warmth enveloping me.
The memories of Ragnarok lingered like a haunting ghost, the devastation and loss still fresh in my mind. I shuddered at the recollection of flames consuming everything in their path, the cries of anguish echoing through the shattered remnants of Asgard.
There were a handful of survivors, but not many. Odin's cruelty and Ragnorok happened near simultaneously; a hellfire bloodbath within forty-eight hours. My family was killed minus my mother, as was nearly the entire royal family.
Just as I began to process the harrowing memories, Loki entered the room, his presence both comforting and unsettling. His piercing gaze bore into mine, his expression unreadable as he regarded me with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension.
"Do you remember?" His voice cut through the silence; its weight heavy with unspoken questions.
I swallowed hard, the memories of my past life as Sigyn flooding back with painful clarity. "Yes," I whispered, my voice barely above a whisper. I met his gaze, uncertainty clouding my thoughts. "I remember bits and pieces of Ragnorok," I confessed, the memories like fractured shards of glass scattered in my mind.
Loki's features softened, a flicker of emotion crossing his face before he composed himself once more. "Do you remember being a traitor?" His words hung in the air, heavy with accusation and disbelief.
My heart skipped a beat at his words, a surge of denial rising within me. I would have thought things were different from how heartfelt and raw we were in our previous conversation. "No," I replied firmly, my voice tinged with conviction. "I don't believe I would ever betray you."
He came closer, and it inspired me to slowly pull myself from bed. My heart raced as I confronted Loki, my voice trembling with a mixture of fear and disbelief. "I remember things. You were always disappearing and not only for work. I remember being tricked by Odin in his attempt to leave you infertile. I remember the birth of our twins, and the day they were killed."
As Loki stood before me, his gaze fixed on the floor; lost in memories of our past, I felt a surge of emotion welling up inside me. "I...I remember my father and brothers being murdered."
"I am deeply sorry about the loss of your family," said Loki.
"They weren't killed because of you..." I trailed off, causing Loki's head to snap up towards me.
"Sif told me that Hela, Jormungand, and Fenrir were next on Odin's hit list."
Loki watched me soundlessly, obviously troubled. "You told me nothing of the sort."
I felt a surge of emotion welling up inside me. Haunting memories caused me to feel overwhelming sadness. "I sent them away as soon as I heard; forced them to leave Asgard and run while they still could. They left during the night; I told them we would find them again one day. It was a day after the twins were killed."
Loki watched me silently. "They told me you urged them to flee, but I didn't..." He stopped talking, his mind lost in the memories of Asgard.
"You didn't believe them." His silence inspired me to continue.
"Odin demanded to know where the triplets were..." I said, the memory painfully traumatizing as I realized what the conclusion was. "In the funeral parlor as I picked out the babies' caskets, Odin had the royal guards drag me from my grief."
Loki's eyes were troubled as he watched me; never before hearing this version of events. "I wouldn't tell him where I sent the triplets," I continued. "When he threatened my beheading, I spat at his feet and said the information would go with me to my grave."
"I wasn't there," said Loki, unable to meet my gaze as we revisited our painful history.
"No," I admitted sadly. "I remember being alone after we found...the babies. You vanished; no one knew where you went off to."
"I was under that damned tree. When I escaped; I went to extract vengeance," said Loki evenly, placing his head into his hands. For the first time in my life as Ava, I saw him deeply troubled, his eyes glossy. "I left you alone to mourn the boys...I knew it was wrong."
I brushed aside his admission as the memory of what followed flooded back. "Odin killed my family after that; with the exception of my mom."
Loki was visibly stunned. "I'm sorry, truly-"
"Why did you kill me?" I demanded, the words escaping my lips in a tremulous whisper. I searched his eyes, seeking answers that seemed to elude me at every turn.
For a long moment, Loki remained silent, his expression unreadable as he wrestled with his own demons. The weight of his gaze bore down on me, heavy with the burden of our shared past.
"You took your own life," he finally admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. Each word hung in the air, heavy with the weight of regret and sorrow. "You had a dagger that you were to use upon me. Perhaps it was second guessing your decision, but before you could use it on me you plunged the blade into your heart. You died in my arms."
His words struck me like a physical blow, my eyes watered as I tried to reconcile what he was saying. There was no sense of a lie on him. We watched each other soundlessly for the longest time. Finally, the silence was palpable. I hurried over to the nightstand where I saw a pitcher of water. I poured myself one glass and finished it quickly. Then another.
"Why start planning the end of the world?" I finally asked, my voice trembling with a mixture of fear and disbelief. "What do you hope to gain from this?"
"Ragnorok...?" He asked.
"No," I finally said, realizing there was no point in trying to seek answers to something that happened literally in another lifetime for me. "Now. What brought upon this new asinine quest to rule the world?"
Loki's expression darkened, the lines of his face etched with bitterness and regret. "I sought to reclaim what was rightfully mine," he confessed. "I am the King of Jotunheim after overthrowing Laufey. I seek to rule all."
My heart ached at his words. "And what about our children?" I asked, my voice trembling with emotion. Loki seemed about to respond, but I interrupted him with a rapid shake of my head. "I raised them from infancy. Don't pretend I was never their mother just because they're all grown up now."
He nodded curtly, acknowledging the truth of my words.
"Why drag them into a fight to the death with the Olympians?"
Loki's features softened, a trace of remorse flickering in his eyes as we locked gazes. "I wanted to protect them," he admitted, his voice tinged with regret. "To ensure that no one could ever hurt us again..." He trailed off, his expression betraying a vulnerability he hadn't intended to reveal. It was as if he had never planned on sharing this with me.
"People will die," I assured him. "There will be bloodshed, you know this as well as I do. The Olympians were ready to have bits and pieces of me chopped off and shipped to you in a care package simply because I knew you by association. What's going to happen if he gets his hands on you...?"
"I don't plan on losing," Loki replied simply, his gaze unwavering as he met my eyes, as if the prospect of a battle against immortal and all-powerful gods was just any small challenge to overcome. I shook my head in exasperation, unable to comprehend his resolve. "What is there to gain from this? Hell on earth, humanity enslaved, destroying every world as you know it?!" Loki's silence spoke volumes, his expression conveying a silent affirmation of the dire consequences he was willing to face.
I put my head into my hands, the weight of his words sinking in like a heavy anchor pulling me deeper into despair. "You don't have to do this-"
"This has been in the making for hundreds of years; a full millennium," Loki breathed, his tone heavy with determination. "I do this because I want the regimes to fall-"
"Odin is dead!" I interjected, my voice rising with frustration.
"I know," Loki said matter-of-factly, his demeanor unwavering. "I watched him die in Ragnorok."
"The point..." I began, "is you shouldn't allow your past to dictate your future-"
"Oh, this is rich," Loki drawled, a hint of sarcasm lacing his words. "The young woman who has barely reclaimed her memories of her past life is going to lecture me on the morals of right and wrong?"
I threw up my arms. "Clearly someone has to because your path doesn't have a happy ending."
"Oh my dear," said Loki, shaking his head as a small laugh escaped him. "I was never destined for a happy ending anyhow."
"Why was I reincarnated? Why did you search for me?" I asked, my voice trembling with a mixture of my own vulnerability and determination. "Why bring me back and help get my memories back just so I can watch you die?"
"I voted to not have you reincarnated," revealed Loki quietly, his magnetic gaze never once leaving mine. The weight of his words hit me like a sledgehammer, leaving me speechless for a moment. "Ouch," I managed to utter, swallowing the lump that had risen in my throat.
"You went to Elysium after you died," said Loki as he looked away from me, his voice tinged with a mix of remorse and contemplation. "Which was surprising, given you took your own life."
His revelation left me puzzled. "Elysium is the paradise the good go to when you die. Living is considered the greatest gift in all the realms," he explained. "To spit on that gift by taking your own life, should have made you die and be lost to the purgatory of the underworld."
"So, when you go to Elysium, you get to be reincarnated?" I asked, seeking clarification amidst the confusion swirling within me.
"You must be judged by individuals of the spirit world, leaders and such, as well as those who knew you," Loki explained solemnly, his voice carrying the weight of ancient traditions and unseen forces.
I thought about this for a moment, trying to grasp the intricacies of the spiritual realm. "So enough people voted for me that it canceled out your vote?" I ventured, seeking clarity amidst the complexity of the situation.
Loki hesitated, his expression betraying a reluctance to divulge further information. After a moment of internal debate, he relented. "Your mother voted against your reincarnation too," he confessed, his tone heavy with significance.
The revelation hit me like a bolt of lightning, leaving me stunned and bewildered. I sank onto the edge of the bed, my mind reeling as I struggled to process the implications of his words. "M-my mom?"
"She blamed you for the death of your father and brothers." Loki explained quietly.
His words hit me again like a hammer, shattering the fragile remnants of my understanding. I struggled to reconcile the image of my mother from my past life with the woman I had known in this one. They shared the same face, a detail I had overlooked until now. Peoria and my mother were one and the same.
In that moment of realization, a dark shadow descended over my thoughts, casting doubt and confusion over everything I thought I knew.
Loki remained silent, allowing the weight of my realization to settle between us like a heavy fog. I couldn't bring myself to look at him as I recounted the memories of my childhood, memories that now felt like echoes of a life I barely recognized.
"It's like she hated me for existing," I murmured, my voice barely above a whisper. I hugged my knees tighter against my chest, the edge of the bed suddenly feeling like the only stable ground in a world spinning out of control. "I was never allowed to do anything. No sports, no activities, I wasn't allowed to have friends. If I watched TV and enjoyed myself, she'd turn it off and send me outside to play. And if I was having fun outside, she'd force me inside to clean."
The memories felt raw and painful, each one a testament to the strained relationship I had shared with my mother in both lives.
"I cannot know for certain for I am speculating," said Loki as he slowly approached, getting on bended knee to be closer to eye level with me. "But I imagine when she was expecting you, she assumed she was carrying your older brother Sulgroy."
I closed my eyes and knew his hypothesis was correct. Sulgroy had been my mother's favorite child as well as older than me; no doubt she was anticipating it was him she was bringing into this world as a reincarnation.
"She's known all along I was the reincarnated Sigyn," I said in stunned realization. "She took me to a psychiatrist; she shoved medications for dreamless sleep and mood alterations down my throat; all along she knew I wasn't crazy; just reincarnated?"
"Yes," Loki said simply. "I suspect the reason she resorted to such treachery was because Jormungand attempted to pull your memories the moment you were born."
"Huh?" I interjected, confusion knitting my brow.
"He cast a spell so that you would remember your past life gradually as you grew older. We didn't know where you were, but Jormungand's magic is powerful. He was able to cast the spell out to you without knowing your location. But Peoria must have had her own sorcerer to block the memories—"
I shook my head in heartbroken dismay. "How could she do that to me... Whynot just give me up for adoption or abort me?" I muttered, more to myself than to Loki, my heart feeling shattered by this revelation. It was the blank expression on Loki's face that made me wonder if something supernatural was somehow involved in my mother's decision not to abandon me the moment I was born.
"Your mother was always talented at holding a grudge against those whom she felt wronged her," said Loki softly, as if attempting to diffuse the situation with a light joke.
"Jormungand made it so my mother didn't abandon me," I said in realization.
Loki provided a roll of his shoulders as if he suspected as much but he never asked Jormungand to know for certain.
I shook my head sadly. "It was like my mom only found happiness in knowing when I was sad, lonely, or picked on by others." The thought of it weighed heavily on my heart; I couldn't fathom torturing someone like that, especially not your own child. My gaze shifted back to Loki.
"If I meant nothing to you, if you thought I was a traitor who wished you dead, why go to such lengths to find me again?" I questioned, my voice tinged with hurt and confusion.
"Jormungand—" Loki began, but I cut him off.
"He set the plan into motion," I conceded. "But your hand had a role in this as well. I dreamed of you my entire life because you wanted me to."
Loki's gaze flickered with a myriad of emotions, his features betraying the tumult raging within him. His eyes, usually so enigmatic, now held a depth of sorrow that mirrored my own.
"I searched for you because..." he began, his voice trailing off asif grappling with the weight of his own words. "Because even amidst the chaos and the darkness, you were the one constant in my life. You were the light that guided me through the shadows, even when I was too blind to see it."
His words struck a chord deep within me, resonating with the echoes of a love that had once burned bright.
"But why?" I pressed, my voice breaking with the raw intensity of my emotions. "Why plan to have me by your side if you believed I was capable of such betrayal? Why go through all this effort if I meant nothing to you?"
As the words left my lips, a surge of emotion washed over me, threatening to overwhelm the fragile facade I had erected around my heart. I reached out, my trembling fingers gently cupping his face, willing him to understand the depths of my confusion and pain. "Why?" I whispered, my voice barely above a whisper, tears glistening in my eyes. "Why put yourself through this if I meant nothing to you?"
In that moment, as our eyes met in a silent exchange of longing and regret, I knew that the answers I sought lay buried deep within the recesses of his soul, if he still had one.
As Loki allowed me to cup his face in my trembling hands, his eyes softened with understanding as he gazed into my tearful expression. One hand cupped my waist while his other cupped the back of my head. His touch was both comforting and electrifying, sending shivers down my spine.
"You have never meant nothing to me," he murmured, his voice laced with genuine affection. "You've always meant something to me, whether your name is Ava or Sigyn. Time may pass, worlds may crumble, but my feelings for you remain unchanged, forever and always."
With a surge of emotion and absolutely no care to what was right or wrong anymore, I leaned forward, closing the distance between us, and our lips met in a sweet kiss. In that moment, everything else faded away, and there was only the undeniable connection between us, forged across the ages.
***
A/N
What are we thinking?!
How are we enjoying it?
Thank you for sticking with me the last 6 years on this story! <3
-Alycat