XVII —— king of everything
🦢
THEY DID NOT HAVE SEX — some other things happened, yeah, but Fianna still wants to wait a little while before going the full way. She knows Regulus hasn't done it either, and that maybe boys are less bothered about waiting and feeling ready for it, but she doesn't want to do it just yet. She'd like to have sex with Regulus eventually, and she felt nice when they spent that time in the prefects' bathroom... but they have time. They don't need to rush — but equally, if things don't work out and they don't have sex, then it wasn't meant to happen anyway.
Fianna's looking forward to their date, though. She spends the night before washing her hair and painting her nails, picking a burgundy shade (like she normally does). She knows she'll have to remove it by Sunday evening, but she likes the idea of getting a little extra ready than usual. Regulus told her to meet at the courtyard at ten o'clock so they can get breakfast together in Hogsmeade; his meeting with the Death Eaters is at midday, so they've got just enough time before he has to leave. But, because of the early start, Fianna picks out her outfit the evening before, laying out two different options in case she changes her mind in the morning.
She wakes up, and decides on a cream knit jumper with a brown mini skirt peeking out underneath. She takes extra-special care pulling on her tights, because they're her last pair of forty-denier ones without a rip in, and finally, slips her feet into her brown knee-high boots. Fianna hopes she skirts the line of pretty, but casual. Like, she tried, but also, it's ten o'clock, she isn't going to look as good as she will for the Yule Ball.
Fianna walks downstairs, her stomach already growling with hunger, and makes her way to the courtyard. She's got on her suede coat — one she bought last year when she forced Remus to go shopping in London with her — and her red scarf, predicting the weather outside will be bitter, foreshadowing the incoming snowy December. She digs her hands in her jacket pockets, spotting Regulus waiting for her.
"Hey," she says, and he kisses her quickly.
"I'm really sorry," he tells her. "I need to cancel."
Her stomach starts to sink.
"Oh," she says weakly. "How come...?"
"Salome's pulled forward the meeting, I've been taking too long..."
"Fixing the Vanishing Cabinet?" says Fianna.
Regulus nods.
"But we don't even know where the Hor—"
"I know," he says, sounding worried. "But if they start asking questions..."
"OK," says Fianna. "We can try and look at it later, and—"
"No," he says. "I don't want you more involved."
"Reg," she says, softly.
"I know they know we're dating, but I still don't like you being around them," he says. "They're dangerous. I don't like that you're getting into trouble because of me — like the whole Splinching thing—"
Fianna rolls her eyes. "Give it a rest."
"No," he says, frowning.
"OK," she says. "So what, you're cancelling our date, and I can't even help you, when you told me what was wrong, and arguably, that's why we're even in this mess?"
"Mess?" says Regulus.
Fianna didn't mean it like that, but equally, feels like there's still some brevity to her words. Her stubbornness takes over, as she goes, "Well, yeah. I didn't exactly expect to get involved in finding and destroying Horcruxes with a Death Eater—"
"I see, I see," says Regulus. "I'm sorry I'm not perfect for you. Maybe Prewett's lurking—"
"Jesus fuck," she mutters.
She steps backwards, putting her hand on her head.
"I don't understand why we're fighting," she says.
Regulus sighs. "Because I don't want to take you down with me."
"Well," she says, hopelessly. "I think we're past that point now."
"No we're not," he says softly. "I'm sorry, I am — I'll make it up to you, I promise."
"Fine," she says, crossing her arms.
Regulus steps closer to her, as if trying to hug her. But Fianna gives him a dirty look, so he stops. Instead, he sighs, moving backwards again.
"Will you meet me later? After dinner?"
"Fine," she says, grumpily.
"If I could spend all day with you, I would," he says.
He ends up kissing the top of her head, before slipping off into Hogsmeade, making the walk down before any of the teachers notice he's gone unchaperoned. Bitterly Fianna wishes he'd get into trouble for it, but she knows she's being pissy because she feels rejected. She was rejected — it's just frustrating to her, because she knows it isn't his fault. But maybe if he hadn't been stupid all those months ago and became a Death Eater they wouldn't be in this mess. And she is going to refer to it as a mess, because it is.
Part of her wonders how this year would've panned out, if he wasn't a Death Eater. Maybe they would've fallen into each other's laps anyway, like a divine timing sort of thing. Fianna wishes that'd be the case, for that alternate reality version of herself.
She sulks in the Great Hall as she waits for Georgia to appear. Her head resting on her hand, Fianna looks up when Georgia sits down opposite her, clearly confused Fianna's on her own.
"He had to cancel," she says.
Georgia frowns. "Why...?"
"He had... other commitments," says Fianna.
"Death—?"
"Shhhhh!" says Fianna. "Stop it!"
Georgia gives Fianna a funny look.
"OK..." says Georgia, sounding unimpressed. "Well, I don't know what to say."
"It's... It's a long story," says Fianna, sighing.
Georgia looks confused. "What do you mean?"
Suddenly Fianna realises what she's suggesting. She knows Georgia won't get to that conclusion, but she starts to panic, remembering when she had to wipe Georgia's memory a while ago. So, Fianna fidgets, and anxiously thinks of a way to change the conversation.
"It doesn't matter," says Fianna. "I don't want to think about it, anyway. What, uh, dress are you thinking of getting for the Yule Ball?"
"I see what you're doing, changing the subject... but fine." Georgia takes a bite of her piece of toast, giving Fianna a suspicious glance. "I'm thinking red, which I know is boring and a cliché, but I'm struggling to think of what else. It feels very political, wearing another house's colour."
"I didn't even think about that," says Fianna, worrying. What if she causes an accidental divide of the four houses, all of them wearing their house colours? "Surely not everyone will feel that way..."
"Well, I love green, but I'd rather die than wear their colour," says Georgia.
Fianna pauses. So maybe the issue is just that only Slytherins will wear green.
"What about blue?" Fianna suggests.
"Hmm... maybe," says Georgia. "What about you?"
"I'm thinking white," says Fianna.
"OK, Swan Lake," says Georgia with a snort.
Fianna smiles. "I just like wearing white!"
"And I red," says Georgia.
The two stand up, and start walking from the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall towards the courtyard, where Fianna was originally this morning. She passes the point where her and Regulus had their argument, and she twists her lips, still feeling grumpy.
The walk into Hogsmeade is made slightly less treacherous by the decent weather — or, at least, decent by Hogsmeade's standards this time of year. The rain from the week has stopped, and whilst the wind is bitter, the ground isn't icy, a plus in Fianna's books. She does have her hands shoved into her coat pockets, though, only letting them resurface into the winter air when she reaches out to open the door into the dress shop.
Gladrags must've gotten the memo about the Yule Ball, because the front of the shop is covered with gowns and formal wizard robes, a tsunami of tulle and velvet and satin. Fianna can hear wizard rock playing lightly from the shop's record player; she recognises it as the God-awful Fleetwood Mac rip-off that Regulus loves. Moody, Fianna starts to look through one of the rails of dresses.
"I'm going to break up with Prewett tonight," says Georgia, as she holds a burgundy dress up to her body, looking at herself in the nearest mirror.
Fianna whips around, surprised. "What? Really?"
"I'm so fed up babysitting him," says Georgia. "And he's been such a bellend about you lately, as if I'd take his side over yours!"
"Can I tell you something?" says Fianna, quietly.
Georgia frowns. "What...?"
"The night you and Prewett got off... he made a move on me. That's why I stormed off, because I was angry and I didn't know what else to do," says Fianna. "I'm really sorry, I know I should've told you but you seemed happy at first, and I didn't want to upset you — but likewise, I know that not telling you is just as bad if not worse—"
"It's OK," says Georgia, softly. "I got the feeling he had a thing for you."
She trails off for a moment, picking up a forest-green dress. Fianna watches Georgia's eyebrows furrow, twisting her lips and lost in thought. Fianna presumes Georgia's wishing she could try the dress on, in spite of the colour.
"I don't think people would care if you wore green..."
Georgia shakes her head. "No, I'd feel weird about it," she says, returning the dress to the rack. "When this is all over, though, I'm coming back, buying that dress, and throwing a party."
Fianna smiles softly. "You're not angry with me, though? About Prewett?"
Georgia pauses for a moment, before quietly saying, "You didn't do anything."
Fianna watches Georgia for a moment, trying to analyse her feelings. She was expecting Georgia to get angry with her, but instead, she looks a bit hurt. She crosses her arms, and then sighs.
"All the more reason to break up with him," says Georgia. "In case he gets nasty, could you stay nearby? Maybe I can take him out to the lake, so if he shouts he shouts, but you can hang around nearby and swan in if he starts to be mean?" Fianna knows what Georgia means; Fianna should hide somewhere nearby in her Animagus form, and appear if needed. "I know, it's going to be so awkward but I don't want anyone to hear..."
Fianna nods. "Of course I can come."
Georgia smiles softly. "Thank you."
"Have you told Pandora?" says Fianna.
Georgia avoids looking at Fianna. "No... not yet."
Fianna smiles softly. "Well, if you did want to..."
"We'll see," Georgia says quietly.
Fianna thinks back to her brother, and what Salome said about him earlier this week. She's been worrying about him all week, about if he thinks she'd disapprove for some reason, or that he's scared to tell people. Fianna knows she doesn't care, but her brother's always been worried about how he comes across, the lifetime of being a werewolf making him fear everyone secretly hates him, waiting for the right opportunity to ostracise him.
"I might go and see Remus before, though," says Fianna.
Georgia frowns. "Why?"
Fianna feels uncomfortable spreading what Salome said — she knows she told Regulus, but Georgia knows Remus, if she were to speak to James and James didn't know, Fianna might accidentally fuck Remus over. So instead, she shrugs.
"Salome said something about him on Monday," says Fianna. "I just want to talk to him about it."
Georgia nods. "OK... I'll do it at eight, so just after dinner."
"I'll meet you there," says Fianna.
"Also," says Georgia, still holding the burgundy dress. "I think I'm going to try this on."
Fianna's hand, holding a white dress on one of the rails, finally grips onto its coat hanger, pulling it out from the stack of dresses to show to Georgia.
"Me too," says Fianna with a grin.
🦢
AN HOUR LATER, FIANNA and Georgia walk out of Gladrags triumphant, carrying purple paper bags with their dresses neatly packed inside. Fianna's strategising a sneaky escape to London to find some decent shoes (because wizards still haven't figured out how to do heels properly) when they pass The Three Broomsticks, and Georgia's hand grips onto Fianna's wrist.
"Don't look," says Georgia.
But Fianna already had: to the side of the pub, surrounded by an eerie cloud of cigarette smoke, stood Lucius Malfoy, Barty Crouch Jr., and another couple of men dressed in black suits. Fianna starts to freeze, but Georgia forces her to keep moving, like an animal trying not to show fear in front of a larger predator. As they move past, Fianna's peripheral vision catches a glimpse of Regulus — she hates how she's that aware of his presence — but she pretends she didn't see anything.
"I feel really silly," Fianna says softly, when they're further down the street.
"What do you mean?" says Georgia.
"Getting so involved with someone like him," she says.
Georgia frowns. "I thought you liked him?"
"I do, it's just..." Fianna sighs, knowing she can't express the full extent of her concerns. "I don't like being so involved in everything else. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells."
"What, with him...?"
"No," says Fianna. "But everyone he knows."
Georgia goes quiet for a couple of minutes, deliberating. Eventually she suggests, "I know you don't want to hear this... but you can break up."
"I don't want to do that," says Fianna, sighing. "I just wish Death Eaters weren't real. I might run away and pretend to be a muggle until this all ends. Their music's better anyway."
"Nah, you'd miss me too much," says Georgia, smiling softly.
Fianna snorts. "Run away with me, then!"
"Well I would miss my family," says Georgia, and quickly adds, "Don't tell my brother that."
"Remus could do with some independence," says Fianna with a laugh.
Once they get back to the castle, they carefully hang their dresses on the back of their bedroom door, whilst Georgia readies herself to break up with Prewett. She ends up sliding a note through his door, asking to meet her by the lake at four o'clock. The winter sun will have already set, so Fianna will be able to perch in the water without Prewett noticing too much.
As a precaution, though, Georgia leaves five minutes earlier than Fianna, in case anyone notices them walking downstairs together and tells Prewett. Fianna isn't sure what they'll think, because it's not like anyone knows she's an Animagus, but still. She isn't going to argue with a girl about to break up with her boyfriend.
Fianna makes her way downstairs at precisely the time Georgia says she can, walking towards the courtyard, where she can slip off into the grounds. It's the weird lull between a Hogsmeade trip and dinnertime, so the castle is unnaturally quiet, students eating their new Honeydukes sweets in their common room, or hiding their tipsiness from too many drinks in The Three Broomsticks behind a dorm room door. Fianna's shoes click-clack against the stones floors, echoing loudly and reverberating on the walls. The crescent moon is sitting up in the sky, the castle corridors lit by a mixture of moonlight and candle flames.
She's lost in her thoughts, though, remembering her early conversation with Georgia about Regulus. Fianna knows that the plan was always to break up at Christmas, but if they actually like each other, she presumes that's changed? But having said that, if they do date for longer than the term, and it creeps towards summer... When will Salome start to expect Fianna will join the Death Eaters? At what point will Fianna have to break up with Regulus because she doesn't want to be one — but will that put a massive target on her back, practically begging the Death Eaters to hurt her because she's so publicly denounced them?
Fianna's about to slip off the corridor and step into the school grounds, when she sees a figure appear at the end of the corridor. The figure is Regulus' height, and she realistically knows it's him, but her heart beats faster, beginning to imagine a situation where it's another Death Eater, wanting to kill her because they've figured out she's been lying this whole time.
Instead, Regulus walks towards her. As he moves closer, she notices a red mark covering part of his left cheek and temple.
Before he can say anything, she asks (demands), "What happened to your face?"
Regulus gives her a look. "Hi to you too."
Fianna persists. "Your face?"
"Bellatrix," says Regulus.
"That still doesn't answer the question," says Fianna.
Regulus sighs. "She was angry that the Vanishing Cabinet is taking too long to fix, and said that it's Sirius' fault, because if he hadn't abandoned the family, I'd have someone keeping me in line. So she hit me. Said she was doing my parents a favour," he says. "It's fine, it'll disappear after a couple of days..."
"You could go to Madam Pomfrey," says Fianna.
"No, I don't want to waste anyone's time," says Regulus.
Fianna looks across at the castle grounds, and then back at Regulus.
"I'm still annoyed with you, but you need to go to the hospital wing—"
"It's fine, Fianna," he says. "I'm used to it, it'll clear up in a couple of days."
Fianna feels her stomach sink. "What do you mean, you're used to it?"
Regulus doesn't say anything for a moment. Instead, he steps backwards, uncomfortable. "Come on," he says, nervously. "You didn't think Sirius was the only one to get that treatment, did you?"
Fianna doesn't say anything. She had always figured his parents were just as vile to him, but she didn't think he'd admit it. Not even Sirius talks about the finer details — just that his parents were evil so he ran away. Fianna feels close to tears, at the thought of her Regulus going through all of that, too.
"Don't look at me like that," says Regulus.
"Like what?" says Fianna.
"Like I'm a pathetic little fragile thing," says Regulus. "I'm fine. It's just a bruise."
"It's not just a bruise!" she says. "It's—It's abuse, it's awful and horrible and you shouldn't have to go through that, especially by the hand of your own family—"
"You forget we have different expectations of family," says Regulus, defensively.
Fianna frowns, feeling him start to pull away from her, trying to protect himself and his stupid image of respectful classiness. He says with a black eye forming.
"Yeah," says Fianna, "Mine wouldn't do that to you, and neither should yours—"
"What, but your brother lets you run around with his monster self once a month?"
Fianna stares at Regulus in disgust.
This time, she steps back from him, tears gathering in her eyes. She can tell that Regulus already regrets what he said, and she knows he only said it because he was feeling defensive, trying to lash out to change the subject, but that doesn't matter.
"Fianna," he says, panicking.
He reaches forward and takes hold of her hand, but she snatches it away.
"Don't fucking touch me," she snaps.
"I didn't mean—"
"Yes you did," says Fianna, angry tears beginning to gather in her eyes. "Leave me alone."
"Fianna—"
He tries to apologise, but Fianna ignores him, storming off into the castle grounds, her short figure transforming into a swan, and kicking off into the night sky.
🦢
FIANNA THE SWAN SITS on the lake's surface, trying to calm herself down. Ahead, back on land, she can see Georgia speaking to Prewett. She can't hear the conversation, but Prewett seems annoyed, waving his hands and pacing around. Fianna knows he isn't being threatening, though, just expressive. Georgia doesn't look threatened, though, if anything, just annoyed this is taking longer than anticipated.
Fianna imagines what would happen if she ended things with Regulus. She doesn't want to, but what he said about her brother has made her reconsider everything. She knew he had some of those opinions still, and now she wonders if it was just egotistical naivety that she ignored it all at first — yes, he was a Death Eater and joined those ranks for a reason, but it surely wouldn't affect her in any way, right? God, how stupid she was.
She'd be fucked if they broke up, though, especially on bad terms. She knows too much, and she knows he wouldn't expose her for anything... But what if Salome made her into a scapegoat, or any other Death Eater decided she 'knew too much' and went after her?
Fianna keeps on thinking about the Horcrux, about the lake that hides that. Her gaze falls down to the murky blue water beneath her, and bitterly wishes they could figure out the Horcrux's whereabouts, to put all of this to rest. She doesn't believe in regret; Fianna believes that everything happens for a reason, good and bad, and whilst she's angry with Regulus and this entire situation, she still wouldn't take it back. She just wishes she could look six months into the future, see how this is all resolved. God, she hopes it's resolved by then...
Eventually, Georgia and Prewett are at a standstill. Georgia's the one to walk off, glancing over towards the lake, checking on Fianna, but quickly looking away and making a start for the castle. If Fianna would frown she would: their plan was to walk back together, plus, it looked like Georgia didn't see Fianna. Fianna decides to set off from the lake, flying into the sky, so she can meet Georgia back at school.
Fianna reaches land, as a human again, and walks towards the Great Hall. It's almost dinnertime, and she hopes if she eats early, she'll avoid Regulus. But, of course, the boy is sitting there, smack-bang in the middle of the Slytherin table, surrounded by his friends in a way that resembles the Last Supper. Fianna feels silly, as she looks over at him. She doesn't want to stop seeing him, but the way he fits so perfectly into their dark world of Death Eaters and hexes and murders, even when he doesn't want to be involved...
A king without even trying, she thinks bitterly, as the girl that's fought for everything in her life. Head girl, her Animagus, everything in the shadow of her cursed brother. Fuck, she thinks. She hates feeling sorry for herself like this, but she feels so out-of-place, lost between her loved ones and Regulus, and not feeling comfortable in either. Fianna wonders if it would've been easier to have been a Squib.
"Hey," says Georgia. "Where were you earlier?"
"I was there," she says. "Maybe it was too dark?"
"No," she says. "I saw a black swan, but not you."
Fianna frowns. "Um, I don't understand..."
"That's weird," says Georgia. "Maybe it disappeared when it saw you — but it was there. Look, you've got a black feather in your hair..."
Georgia pulls the black feather away from Fianna, who stares at it in horror. Was the black swan me? she thinks, beginning to panic.
"Oh well," says Georgia. "Prewett wasn't too mad, though, which is good!"
"Oh, that's good then?" says Fianna.
The two of them sit down, Fianna making the strategic choice to sit with her back to Regulus. Georgia talks through her break-up with Prewett, all the while Fianna's lost in thought:
Since when did Animaguses change colour?
so sorry for the long wait!! but i hope you enjoyed, and let me know what you thought!!!! <3333333