"Amara... You are my soul."
I whispered with everything I had in me.
With every emotion I could feel pulsing through me. Through every drop of blood in my body.
"I love you... Abhi."
Kiss
"I love you... Abhi."
Kiss
"I love you... Abhi."
And every single time she kissed me I felt a part of my soul coming back to life.
I felt that...
I felt the marks being washed off me.
I felt the nightmare being replaced by a dream.
I felt that maybe... maybe I had a reason to live.
Maybe... I was wanted by someone...
Maybe... I could love Amara...
Despite my flaws.
Despite my scars.
Despite my past.
I look at the glass piece still between both our hands. And the teary face of the girl who did not run away after seeing the monsters that haunt me.
Maybe God was real.
"Eva di... was right. God couldn't come to save me... so he sent his angel."
I gulped harshly the numbing feel in my throat from the time she touched me was now slowly being replaced by a lump that turns into sobs every time Amara... touches me.
I brought her hand close to my lips and brushed my lips against her knuckles.
"Thank you."
I placed my forehead on her knuckles fresh tears leaving my eyes.
I still felt the pain on my back.
I still felt the marks on me.
I still felt unholy.
But...
She had given me a reason to survive.
"Can you fucking live for me!"
Her words rang repeatedly in my ears. Till they reached every corner of my heart.
And even though I had always been afraid that I would end up hurting Amara because of my love for her.
I realised that her love was also something I could not live without.
The moment she confessed her love.
I felt my heart finding a kind of acceptance that I had always craved.
Craved from my parents.
Who never gave it to me.
I realised that I was so desperate for love. For the feeling of being loved by someone that I had developed a phobia of ever loving someone just to hurt them like my father.
After all I was his son.
No matter what.
At some point the blood will show it's true colour. Just like my mother told me the day I tried to tell her about my father's mistress.
And maybe...
That stayed in me.
In my soul.
Because my mother said it.
She had not loved me.
But she had never hated me.
Yet at that moment I felt a kind of hate that not even received from my father.
And that was the day I cut myself for the first time. To feel the blood I had leave my system.
Hoping to draw it out till the last drop.
But, now as I looked at the trail of blood running down Amara's cut palm...
I felt the heart wrenching need to stop.
I needed to Stop cutting myself.
No longer able to digest the fact that I was cutting myself to feel better.
It sounded ridiculous and stupid. But that is exactly what had given me solace for the past eleven years.
For the first time ever I had felt pain while I cut my skin. And it was because I could see Amara flinching in pain with every cut I made.
I realised that even though I was the one who was wounded and hurt... it was Amara Roy who was feeling pain.
Immeasurable Pain.
God...
God truly did exist Eva di.
You were right.
You were fucking right.
I slowly remove the piece of glass from her small hand. That has carried a universe of hope.
The kind which brought a portion of my dead soul back to life.
There was evil.
And there was goodness too.
There was a sinner.
And there was a cure too.
There was Hate.
And there was Love too.
The selfless kind.
The kind I could not give her but she could give me.
I throw the glass piece away and listen to it clattering against the cold hard floor.
"Show me your hand..."
I asked as she did so without a question.
I looked at the cut in her palm and I felt a cut on my fucking heart.
"It told you to be careful..."
I whispered against her hair which brushed my cheek. My head still placed on her shoulder. Not facing her.
I could not show her my tears...
I could not bring myself to cry anymore in front of her.
I looked down at her soft palm that was between our torsos.
"It's not as much blood as you have on you."
She said.
I felt a shiver rolling down my spine with each and every tremble that ran down her body.
"Let's rinse your wound and get you some first aid..."
I said analysing the depth of her wound. Not minding her words about my cuts.
I turn towards the hand shower that rested on the side of her tub and placed her hand below it. And as the cold water sprinkled on her wound.
She hissed and shut her eyes tightly. Biting on her lips to suppress the scream that would have left them.
I thread my fingers through her hair and pull her face closer to mine.
Looking at the tears that left her eyes as they still remained close.
"Kiss me or Bite my Shoulder if the pain gets too much for you, Princess." I said my voice hoarse and hurting as I spoke now after crying.
She continued biting her lips and shook her head in tears.
"Do you have a low pain tolerance level, Amara?" I asked suddenly concerned about the outcome if that were truly the case.
I felt her body freeze and turn rigid in my hold.
"You are..."
I whispered.
A sliver of self hate blooming in me all over again and an abundance of rage.
"I told you to be careful! Did I not! Why do you never listen to me?! I should have realised that you had low pain tolerance levels the day you cut your finger in that fucking kite string in our Rajasthani Haweli. But No! I had to just scream at you for being careless!"
I felt myself raising my voice slightly at her and a soft laugh left her lips.
It was so delicate.
So fragile.
So fucking Warm.
It was the Harmony to my Beating Heart.
"You are screaming now too Abhi."
She replied and I knew she was trying to distract me.
To lighten my pain.
To kill my sorrow.
"Should I make you scream my name then?"
I asked smirking at her. Even though I was internally still broken.
Her eyes widened and her lips parted till her jaw touched the floor. Figuratively.
"Are you trying to share you trauma? Or is it dark coping mechanism?"
She asked clearly distraught at the absurdity of my remark especially in the current situation.
"Both maybe none."
I said smiling slightly at her.
She shook her head at me.
"Rinse your wounds... I'll get you something to wear... and first aid and stuff..." She said while pulling her hand away from mine.
And just as she was about to leave she halts on her tracks.
"No wait... what if you harm yourself again... take a bath I will stand here only." She said confused about what she should do with someone like me.
"... you want to see me bathing? You could have just asked princess." I continued my ridiculous trick trying to make her leave me alone for a bit.
Even though Amara had given me hope to live. I still needed to come in terms with my thoughts... keep up with them. Deal with them.
And that was extremely hard in her presence.
"Maybe staying in the same mansion as bhai has effected your brain cause only he can up with these disgustingly flirty stuff..."
She said rolling her eyes at me and then walked out of the washroom leaving me alone to the sound of the water running down the tap and into the bathtub.
Maybe her absence was what it took to make me feel the value of her presence.
She was indeed my holy light.
It was not a saviour complex.
It was not a victim complex.
It was finally accepting there was no way I could not love her.
Loving her was the easiest yet the hardest thing in this world.
.
.
.
I walk outside after a twenty minute cold dip in the bathtub and continuous cold water running down my body till I felt the droplets of water turn into needles that pierced my bones.
I had picked up the shattered pieces of the mirror. One by one so that Amara wouldn't hurt myself again.
And with each piece of glass I picked. I felt like my heart was also one of these pieces. Irreparably broken. Even if it were to be fixed... it would still remain shattered.
That was my reality.
It was the only reality.
.
I wrapped a towel around my waist that was kept on the shelf.
It smelled like her.
Everything here smelled like her.
Like serenity.
Like peace.
Like fucking addiction.
I run a hand through my wet hair and glance up at Amara who had changed into a new pair of shorts and a loose shirt. Her hair tied up in a high ponytail and keenly looking at the ointments and bandages in the first aid box.
Her left palm had been wrapped with some bandage too.
"Abhi... there are a pair of fresh clothes here. Change into them. They are bhai's. Cause you know my clothes won't fit you. So put your anger and banter with my brother aside and please wear them."
She said while still not looking at me. Her voice was a little dry and flat. It was probably because of all the crying she had done not so long ago.
The tip of her nose was still red and under eyes too... probably.
"Hmm."
I hum and pick up the plain loose white shirt and black trouser and a pair of boxer which looked new like the packet was sealed and stuff.
I couldn't help but smile a little at her small yet extremely adorable actions. She truly made my heart feel all sorts of things.
I quietly turn around and slip the boxers and trousers on. And then remove the towel from around my waist.
I turn to look at her still focused on the medicines.
"Here... take it have a glass of glucose water... you can't take a painkiller on an empty stomach."
She said passing me the glass of water and then a pill. I quietly followed the instructions she gave me.
Loving the feeling of home.
She felt like home.
"Turn around... I will apply the medicine." She said and I take a deep breath. And turn around.
"I'll be gentle." She said as she sat up on her knees and moved towards me on the bed. Her weight made the mattress under us sink a little.
"Hmm."
She applied a cool gel type on thing on my neck and a sizzling pain ran through the skin around my neck.
I suck on my bottom lip and shut my eyes. Trying my best to anchor myself to Amara's scent and gentle touch. The soft blow of air that left her lips every time she applied the ointment.
Trying..
Trying...
Trying not to think about her crawling towards me. Running her nails sharply down my neck. Her opening my shirt.
"Stop."
.
"Please... please."
I whispered... my heart trembled all over again.
I felt her on top of me.
In her hold.
In her non existent mercy.
A pawn to fulfil her lust.
Her eyes on me while my father thrust into her while he made me kneel down on the floor.
Every-time.
Every Time.
Every Single Time.
"Don't... Don't Touch me!" I flinched hard. As I felt a soft touch on my shoulder.
.
.
"Abhi..."
I felt soft bandages wrapped around my back and torso. I turn back to see Amara looking at me. Her eyes looking haunted. The golden sparkles that her eyes almost always had were now muted to a deep grey.
How had I never noticed her eyes changed colour slightly depending on her mood.
"I'm here... you are safe."
She said and thin frame close to my back. Her arms around my shoulders. A small gap between my injured back and her.
I knowingly press my back against her torso. Needing her warmth against my skin.
"Let me feel your warmth... let me see the world within me that you bring to life every time you touch me."
"Let me dream of loving you."
"Let me dream of loving you... my princess."
She let out a broken cry as she laid down on the bed and looked at me silently.
I pulled on the loose shirt over my head and crept up on the bed beside her.
Wrapping my arms around her waist.
Digging my face deeper into the crock of her neck inhaling her soothing smell.
She was unique.
She was extraordinary.
She was compassionate.
She was human.
"Good night... Abhi."
She whispered caressing my hair. I feel her placing her chin on my head.
I don't utter a word.
Afraid that I will wake up from the beautiful dream of... feeling her love.
The dream of loving her.
(Unedited: Prone to errors!)
Next update after 120+ votes.
Also thank you I saw how you all made the previous chapter reach 114 voted within 20 hrs. Thanks a lot. Also, sorry I couldn't update earlier... I was travelling yesterday.
Love Lily