One week later
He probably shouldn't have been observing her - but for the past few days, that's all he seems to be doing. Kemal is singularly unable to tear his focus away from Burcu, and he hates it with a vengeance. If she walks into a room, he'll know it before he sees or hears her. And everything and everyone else in that room will cease to exist for him. If he spots her from a window or across the hall or courtyard, he'll try his damnedest to concentrate on whatever he's doing, but he'll mostly fail.
He tells himself it's just physical attraction (again). Burcu has grown from a beautiful young woman barely out of girlhood into a gorgeous woman who turns heads without even trying. Her curves are a little more pronounced, her face is more defined, and those mesmerizing cat eyes of hers are driving him crazy. Even her conservative clothes and her closed-off attitude can't hide the sensuality of this woman, and he wants to go all caveman on her, haul her over his shoulder and carry her off to a secluded spot to ravish her.
Kemal shakes himself all over like a wet dog, dislodging the fantasy before it can take hold. Dammit, he isn't some hormonal teenager, he should NOT be feeling this constant pull inside his very being.
Maybe it isn't just physical. Maybe it's the power of their shared life. Memories that he's unable (and unwilling) to shake off. Yeah, it's gotta be that. The problem is that he can't reconcile the Burcu of the past with the Burcu of the present, nor the Kemal of the past with who he has become and who he often loathes. He'll have to get his stupid stubborn brain to make a clean cut. Just because they HAD something doesn't mean they WILL HAVE something, anything. But knowing that and KNOWING it are two different pairs of shoes unfortunately.
And so here he is, standing a few feet away and staring like a lovesick, abandoned dog. And his heart aches for her despair.
For the past several minutes, he's watched Burcu deal with a troublesome student. The boy called Sinan has been failing a few tests, simply sitting in the classroom and staring blankly ahead while the others are scribbling answers furiously. As far as Kemal understands it, he's been handing in blank question papers. And all that even though he used to be one of her brightest students, reluctantly but undeniably so. Kemal listens as Burcu tries to get through to the boy with his ruffled hair and his askew tie. It appears she's been attempting to talk to him and make him see reason repeatedly, with no result. His heart aches some more at her pleading tone, at the many ways in which she tries to reach out.
"Just drop it already, okay?" the boy suddenly half-shouts. "It's not like I'm your own kid or something. Why would you even care?"
The student marches off in an insolent huff, and Kemal grinds his teeth at the expression of devastation on Burcu's face. She scrubs her hands over it, regulating her breathing and murmuring to herself. Shoulders hunched, head hung, she looks defeated. He hates it and surprises the hell out of himself by walking over to her.
"Tough day?"
She jerks and stares at him as if he's grown a second head. After a moment, she nods.
"I just want to help, is that so hard to understand?"
Kemal grimaces. "Some people don't want to be helped, Burcu."
She crosses her arms, holding his gaze. "That's a cheap cop-out. He's still a child, he needs help, whether he wants it or not, whether he understands it or not."
Instead of arguing, he simply stands there and lets her vent some more. She throws up her hands after explaining the issue. "I don't want to give up on him. I can't. It's not in my nature to give up on things, on people."
That hurts like hell because dammit she did give up on him - them - rather easily. Then again, he's the one who started the whole giving up thing so this is probably one of those 'glass house and stone throwing' issues.
She interrupts his thoughts. "I'd do anything to get through to him. It's obvious that he's alone and going through a rough patch. I wish I could find a way to reach out, one that doesn't make him clam up or hurt his pride."
Her eyes are big and moist and so full of feeling, and dammit seeing her all passionate for a good cause and yet all desperate is doing things to him and also reminding him of the Burcu who used to own his heart.
He has no idea what devil is riding him, but reacting on instinct, Kemal gently chucks a finger under her chin. "Don't worry, it'll all be fine, kitten."
Burcu jerks back as if he'd burned her, and only then does he realize what he called her. "Sorry, I..." he stammers, and is silenced by her glare.
She draws herself up to her full - not intimidating - height, hands on her hips. "Don't try to get all personal with me. Just don't. I'm not your kitten anymore, Kemal, let's get that straight."
"I can see that," he hears himself reply before he can shut his stupid snarky mouth. "You're much more of a fierce lioness with claws now, it seems. Feel free to sink them into my jugular anytime."
Making that adorable frustrated sound he gets to hear so often lately, she rolls her eyes at him. "Ugh... shut up."
She turns and stomps off in a huff, and he can't help but call out after her, "Very mature, Burcu hocam."
He can dimly hear her muttering something, and he'd have chuckled because he loves it that he can get under her skin and crack that usually so professional and quiet veneer - but he's feeling riled up and nostalgic again. His traitorous mind travels back to a decade ago when he came up with this nickname.
* * *
10 years ago
Something is weird about Burcu today. Kemal can't quite put his finger on it, but she seems kind of distracted. All throughout class - where she's usually the one glued to the book or the blackboard, listening to their professor attentively and taking notes diligently - she kept sneaking glances down. Down at what though? Surely she's not using her phone to secretly text someone?
For a moment, he sees red. The thought of Burcu even sparing some random guy a second glance, let alone chatting with them, fills him with a jealous rage that's completely new to him. She's his, even if she doesn't quite know it yet.
He hears and feels something snap and stares down in surprise at the pencil he's apparently been holding too tightly. It's broken into two pieces, the jagged end of one nicking his palm so there's a single drop of blood welling. Kemal bares his teeth at it, then carelessly wipes his palm against his jeans. His gaze returns to Burcu, and at that exact moment, she bends her head down again, hunching over in her seat a little. What the hell? And is...is she whispering something? He clenches his fist, hissing softly when that makes the tiny puncture wound ache.
As soon as the class is done, he makes his way toward Burcu. Remembering that they're in public and he can't be too affectionate, he grabs the neat, long braid hanging down her back and tugs on it not too sharply. Her head snaps up and around, those gorgeous green eyes rounding in shock and then narrowing in mock annoyance.
"I told you not to do that, Kemal," she huffs adorably and he can feel some of his dark mood dissipating.
Grinning at her, he tugs at it again but then strokes his fingers furtively down all that soft, fragrant hair and down her back in a whisper of a caress. There it is, that characteristic shiver that does THINGS to him. More of those clouds clear but he's still half angry-jealous and half confused.
"Walk with me?"
She glances around at everyone leaving and gives him a nod. He waits while she packs her stuff. When she turns to him with her bag packed, he notices for the first time that one of her jeans pockets is bulging a little. And as if in an instinctive move, her hand goes to it and pats it. Making sure something that's inside won't fall out? More intrigued than annoyed now, Kemal begins to walk and lets her fall into step beside him. Wordlessly, they make their way to 'their spot' on the campus ground, somewhat secluded.
He listens to Burcu make small talk, then to her going on about the class he barely paid any attention to. Ironically, one of the very few things he and Burcu have in common is that they aren't studying something they're actually interested in. Kemal has chosen Business Management because he figures it might be a general enough stepping stone to later major in a more specific topic; or truth be told, he's chosen it because he was pressured by his family to get a degree instead of pursuing a career in sports that they don't approve of and consider a pipe dream. As for Burcu, she's chosen Business Management because her strict father picked it for her; she's supposed to graduate and then work in her uncle's firm, for lack of a son who could keep the family business running and because her father is a doctor instead (and doesn't consider her intelligent enough or it appropriate for a girl to also enter the medical field).
There it is again, that automatic gesture of her hand going to that pocket as she stands with her back against a tree and looks up at him.
"Don't you agree?" she asks.
"Hm?"
"Kemal, are you even listening?"
"Sure, I'm with you." He sends her what he hopes is a disarming and charming smile, and then simply steps close and into her personal space.
"What are you hiding from me, Burcu?" he asks, holding her gaze.
"What?" It's a bit of a squeak and now her cheeks are reddening with a totally cute blush. "Me? Nothing!"
"You know you can tell me anything, right?" he asks, his tone more serious than he'd intended.
"Can I?" She holds his gaze, her expression solemn too.
"Yes. Always. Anything." He leans even closer so their faces are almost touching. "I WANT you to tell me things. I want to know everything about you."
"Oh... Okay." Her voice is all breathless now.
Checking from the corner of his eyes if anyone is near them, he bridges the tiny last bit of distance and kisses her. Just a quick touch of his lips to hers, although he really wants to linger.
And then he uses her distraction and her fluttering lids to sneak his hand down and pat that jeans pocket too. "For example, I really want to know what's in here."
"Kemal, no." She's trying to wiggle away but is trapped between his body and the tree trunk. So he ignores her feeble protest and slides his hand right into that pocket. For a moment, the awareness that his fingertips are basically brushing her thigh beneath a bit of fabric short-circuits his brain - so much so that he can't process the strange soft thing his hand knocks against. Something tiny but sharp suddenly nips his skin and he reflexively tightens his grip on a surprised grunt.
When he lifts his hand out of her pocket, he's clutching onto...a tiny kitten. It's a small bundle of multicolored, fluffy fur that's no bigger than his hand, half-open eyes blinking at him. He stares, holding the little creature up higher to get a good look at it. He's rewarded with a tiny "meeeeew" and with Burcu wrapping both of her hands around his wrist protectively and rather possessively.
"Wait a minute, have you actually been carrying a kitten around with you all day?" His gaze goes from the miniature feline with its helplessly wiggling paws to Burcu's alarmed face and back.
"Shh, someone will notice." Frantic, she's still clutching onto his forearm and trying to do god knows what.
Knowing that his taller body is shielding them and that they're almost alone anyway, Kemal simply lowers his head and silences her protesting and pleading with another kiss, this one firmer and longer.
"Oh Burcu, you really are one of a kind." He leans his forehead against hers, the little calico cat wedged between their bodies and promptly falling asleep again.
He draws back to look at the tiny furball, curled up on his palm now as Burcu makes soft cooing sounds. When she lifts her gaze to his face once more, he could swear she has little red hearts in her eyes.
"Aw look, it trusts you. Minnoşum fell asleep in your hold." She squees softly, brushing her fingertips over the oh-so-little head and then over his hand. "God I love how big and strong and yet gentle these hands of yours are. So manly."
At his chuckle, she looks alarmed and bites her lip. That remark was probably meant to stay in her head and not be said out loud. But he'd be lying if it didn't go to his head, like all these signs that he has left an impact on her, that he's maybe on her mind as much as she is on his. He revels in her blushing for a moment longer, then carefully hands the kitten back to her.
"Minnoşum, huh? You've already named it?"
Burcu nods, cuddling the snoozing baby close to her face and nuzzling it tenderly. "I saved it from a ditch. It's MY kitten now."
His heart bursting with all sorts of mushy feelings he's not used to and frankly terrified of, he loops an arm around her and draws her close. "And you're MY kitten. All small and soft, and cute and innocent, someone to be showered with affection and treated with care, to be spoiled and loved. I think I'll be calling you that from now on. Kitten."
She sends him a shy smile, blushing even more, and he vows to make it her nickname. Falling a little more in love with her, Kemal listens to her story. She tells him how she found the tiny feline next to its dead mother on the street yesterday, and how she's looked up on the internet how to care for such a young kitten. She explains how often it needs to be fed special formula, and coaxed to empty its belly, and given lots of warmth and attention - which is why she's indeed been carrying the animal around in her jeans pocket all day.
* * *
Now
Kemal remembers being by her side when the little one's eyes opened fully and Burcu was as happy and proud as if it was her own baby. He remembers her taking a million photos on her phone, buying a cat bed (he gave in and bought a feathery toy for it to play with), and showering the orphaned kitten with so much love it made his heart ache.
He also remembers how much the energetic floofball had grown by the time Kemal said his goodbyes. Over the course of a few months, the fuzzy kitten had not only developed enough energy for two but also won over Kemal's heart as surely as its devoted owner.
Is Minnoşum still alive after all these years? Kemal rubs a hand down his face, wondering if he'd ever be on good enough terms with Burcu to find out. He thought he'd been making progress, but this interaction just now has proved him wrong. With a sigh, he walks in the same direction where Burcu stormed off to a while ago, trying to shake off the memories that cling to him like cobwebs.
* * *
10 years ago
He's dripping with sweat, his legs are wobbly, and his arms will hurt for days. But still Kemal pushes himself harder. All alone in the gym because it's almost midnight, he dribbles the basketball across for the millionth time, stops, jumps and launches it right into the basket. Instead of celebrating another great shot, he gnashes his teeth and runs to retrieve the ball.
No matter how many hours he spends training, exhausting himself in hopes of falling asleep as soon as he hits the bed, he can't get Burcu out of his system.
He should never have listened to the coach. He should've found a way to secretly keep his relationship going, rules be damned.
Plopping onto the cold, hard ground because his legs won't carry him for another go, Kemal hangs his head and pants through the physical and non-physical pain.
It's been almost three months and feels like three lifetimes in hell. He misses Burcu with every cell of his being, although he somehow also manages to switch himself off for hours on end and get lost in the sport. The evenings are the hardest, when he thinks of her the most and feels this gaping emptiness inside that nothing and nobody can fill. And so he often comes to the gym to use the machines when nobody else is around or to train some more.
He curses the day when the talent scout and coach pulled him aside on campus and told him the big news. Because along with the incredulous joy and hard-earned pride came a rude awakening. His coach made it clearer than clear that all the new talents being recruited were to live by certain rules. Were those broken, their careers would end before they even began. And among those items in his contract was one clause that seemed illogical and devastating: no girlfriends, no other commitments. The team wanted to make absolutely certain that hormones and whims, emotions and ties binding them to a person or place would not hinder their development and success. Those who were in a relationship were told in clear terms to break up before packing and traveling to their respective team's city. Those who were single were told to keep it that way, though they would be allowed to go out and party and even flirt and have one-night stands later. The coach left no doubt that he'd somehow find out if they defied the rules.
And so Kemal had gone and broken up with Burcu. He shouldn't have. He should've told her about this stupid fucking rule and they'd have found a way around it or through it. Or maybe he should've asked her to wait for him. To give it a few months and victories so he could try to soften his bosses up or find another way.
With a groan, Kemal heaves himself to his feet and stumbles to the showers. And under the stream of ice-cold water that pummels his sore muscles and drums some strength into him, he makes a decision: He'll set things straight tomorrow, make things right. He doesn't want a life without Burcu because it feels like only half a life.