Eight months. I have been a mother for almost eight whole months and it's the most surreal feeling in the world. Especially after finally gaining my much-needed connection with Willa at Christmas. Which was the perfect time, as well. Joe and I rang in the new year for the first time as parents, switching it up and staying home instead of going out. Once Willa fell asleep, we made it a date night at home, in Jersey. Joe cooked dinner, we laughed, talked, and then watched a movie before passing out before the ball dropped at midnight. I had never understood why parents almost never made it to midnight until this past year. But honestly, I had no problem with the way we rang in the new year, and I wouldn't have done it any differently if I even could go back.
Since Joe and I made up on Christmas, things have been exactly what I could hope for. Joe's been going back to work more, but with my new outlook on being a mom in general, it doesn't seem to bother me as much as it used to. The boys are recording a few new songs to release for the fans even though the next album isn't quite ready yet, since they've been held back a couple times... not that Willa and I have anything to do with that or anything.
The fans are itching for new music, and I can't say I blame them, if I had an artist or band that I supported the way the fans support the boys, I would be dying for some new music. They haven't released anything in over a year, so, even the boys are dying to release something. Which is why days like today are longer than others.
Joe had been in the studio with his brothers last night and got home just in time to put Willa down for bed and left this morning before she woke up. Needless to say, she misses her daddy and is giving me a bit more trouble because of it.
"Willa, please," I beg, bouncing her gently as she refuses to go down for her second and last nap of the day, regardless of being exhausted.
Her cries fill the house as I continue to bounce her gently, swaying back and forth and shushing her softly. It's been almost an hour of crying.
"Honey, I know you're missing your daddy but he's working right now," I tell her, letting out a frustrated sigh. "There's nothing I can do about it."
Almost as if she understood my sentence and catches a second wind, she belts out louder, now becoming more distraught than before, making me take in a breath, closing my eyes as I continue to bounce her, focusing on keeping myself calm at the same time.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I hear a voice. "What's going on in here?"
I turn on my heel, opening my eyes to meet Joe's, allowing me to let out a deep breath, my face relaxing in relief.
He grins, gently taking her from me. "Hi princess," he says, bouncing her slightly and rubbing her back although it isn't necessary as she instantly relaxes into him.
I let out another breath, exiting to the hallway and down the stairs, sitting on the couch and closing my eyes, using the quiet to calm my frustration.
"You okay?" Joe asks after a moment, making me open my eyes to see him plopping onto the couch in front of me, his hand finding my knee.
I nod. "Yeah, I just, keeping myself calm when she's screaming for almost an hour is rough."
He nods. "Has she been like that all day?" He asks.
I nod. "Yeah, for the most part. She's just wanted you all day. I gave her one of your tee shirts earlier and it helped for a little while but she's just wanted you," I tell him, shrugging.
He grins. "Do you need a little bit?" He asks. "I can keep her for a little while after she wakes up. Go out for a little bit, or just, go upstairs and lock yourself in our room for a bit. I'll spend some time with her, and you can come back when you're ready."
"She's gonna need me to feed her when she wakes up," I sigh.
He grins. "Okay, then wait until she wakes up."
I grin, shrugging. "I don't know, maybe. Right now, though," I say, leaning over into him and allowing him to wrap me in his arms.
"Hmm," he hums, holding me and letting out a breath. "Yeah, I could use a few minutes of this too."
"We're due for a date night," I tell him.
He nods. "We sure as hell are. Maybe we can get Nick and Pri to watch her for a night soon."
"That would be nice. We could put her to bed and then they could come, and we can just go get dinner or something."
He smiles, placing a kiss on my head. "That sounds like a plan, my love."
"We could also do a date night at home... if you'll be home tonight?"
He chuckles. "Nick said to just let him know if we were gonna meet up again tonight but with how Willa seems to be missing me, I think I'll stay home. We can pick up again in the next day or two. You two are more important."
I grin, nuzzling into him slightly. "That sounds good."
Willa's cry leaves me to blink my eyes open, immediately groaning at how I got absolutely nothing done while she was asleep. Quickly getting up and rushing to her, I pick her up and spend the next 20 minutes letting her nurse before going back downstairs where Joe is waiting on the couch.
"Okay, now go," he tells me. "Go take some time to yourself."
"Wait, I want to get her dinner ready first."
"Baby," he says, sighing. "I can get her dinner."
"I know you can, I just want to," I tell him, entering the kitchen and preparing her a plate of shredded chicken, avocado, and blueberries slightly squished to ensure she doesn't choke. I place it in the fridge so it's ready for her when she's ready before walking into the living room where Joe is on the floor with her playing with blocks.
"Okay," I sigh, laying down on the floor for a moment and giving her multiple kisses, making her giggle. "I love you so so so much, my girl. Mommy's gonna go try to write for the first time in I don't remember how long."
"There ya go," Joe smiles.
I smile in return, giving Willa one last kiss on her forehead before giving Joe a kiss and making my way upstairs.
After a couple of hours, I find myself sighing in defeat. Despite my efforts to sit and write for the past two hours, all I could find myself doing was think of Willa which lead me to instead look into possible themes for her first birthday party. Which is, crazy enough, only four months away. How in the hell is she already almost one?
Closing my laptop, I set it on my bedside table and make my way into the bathroom to quickly shower, throwing on a new pair of pajamas and making my way back down the stairs to see Willa and Joe sitting in the living room floor yet again, some music lightly playing as she plays with a few miscellaneous toys in front of her, a small peek a boo musical toy being the center of her attention at the moment.
"Hey," Joe smiles up at me, sending a text to I assume Nick. "How'd writing go?"
"What writing?" I ask, sighing.
"Oh, no," he frowns.
I shrug, laying on the floor near Willa as she smiles and giggles at my presence. "Hi baby," I tell her, kissing her hand as she reaches for me before looking back at Joe. "I tried, I just couldn't stop thinking about her. Then because I couldn't stop thinking about her I ended up just looking at ideas for her first birthday. I wrote some down, we'll have to go through them. It's only four months away."
Joe shakes his head. "I can't believe she's almost one already."
"I know," I sigh. "I'm still beating myself up for wasting the first 5 months of her life being detached from her."
"Hey," he says, grabbing my hand. "That was not your fault, Addie. You couldn't help what you felt... or didn't."
"I know, I just, I look at her," I watch her play as I continue. "I look at her and I can't help but think how in the hell did I not feel this way the entire time? Since the moment I found out about her."
He nods in response. "You have gone through so much since you found out you were pregnant. Physically, emotionally, all of it. I have witnessed so much growth in you, especially within the past three months since your connection clicked. You can't change what happened before your connection clicked, so just focus on all that you did regardless of not having that connection and all that you continue to do now."
I grin, leaning up and kissing him. "Thank you."
"Do you want to do bath, books and bed while I make dinner? I can make homemade pasta," he says, wiggling his eyebrows.
I smile wide, nodding. "That sounds perfect. Willa, baby, come on, let's go take a bath." I pick her up, taking her upstairs to begin her nighttime routine.
I hear Joe begin to pick up the toys and change the music downstairs as I enter her room to pick out her pajamas, her on my hip giggling away at nothing.
"What is so funny?" I ask her, tickling her a little.
She giggles again and I continue through the routine, ready for some alone time with Joe once she falls asleep.
Once Willa is sleeping soundlessly and I have her up on the camera on my phone to keep an eye on her, I make my way downstairs, hearing Joe's cooking music turned up and smelling the dinner he's been working on.
"Hello there," I grin, leaning against the counter in the corner away from his work.
"Hi," he smiles over at me. "She give you any trouble?"
I shake my head. "Nope, out like a light. Boob, bath, books, bed always does the trick."
"The four Bs," he chuckles.
I grin, laughing lightly with him. "What are we having for dinner?"
"Homemade Tagliatelle alla Bolognese," He grins. "It's still got a few minutes though."
"That's okay, I will sit here and admire the view."
He raises a brow. "Oh yeah?"
I nod. "Yep."
He chuckles as I stand, watching him finish up our meal before plating and setting it down at our spots at the table.
"Viola!" He says, smiling. "Wine?"
I grin, exhaling. "Ah, to not have her waking up for a feed in the middle of the night anymore."
He chuckles, pouring both of us glasses and then joining me at the table. "Better sleep for us, too. Even if she is still sleeping in our room."
"Yeah, but everything I've read says to have her stay in our room until she's a year."
"Interesting, because I read six months."
I raise my brows, taking a sip of my wine. "So, even if we were to start her in her room now we'd still have kept her in our room for two months over what is typically recommended."
He smirks. "Well, to be fair, they said at least six months."
"Do you think we should? Or wait?"
"Let's wait," he shrugs as the two of us dig into the dinner he prepared. "At least until she's nine months. It's only another month and I think it'll give both of us a little more peace of mind. If we get to nine months and decide to keep her in our room even longer, so be it."
I grin, nodding once strongly. "Agreed."
"So," he starts, wiping his mouth with his napkin after taking another couple of bites. "There are a couple things I think we need to talk about."
I raise my eyebrows. "What I do?"
He chuckles shaking his head. "Shush, nothing."
I grin, laughing lightly as I take another sip of my wine. "What do we need to talk about?"
"Willa."
I raise my eyebrows. "Specifically?"
"Well, I'm starting to work more and more which inevitably means that we'll be starting to do shows again, we'll be more in the public eye than we have been since the tour ended."
I nod. "True."
"So, I think we need to talk about what we want for Willa when it comes to my work and the paparazzi and shows, events, things like that."
I lick my lips, wiping my mouth from the bite I just took. "I agree. Honestly, I feel like we've been putting it off, but you have a point, with you working more now, it's only a matter of time before we start traveling and we're out in public more."
He nods. "So, what are your thoughts?"
I raise my eyebrows. "Why do I have to go first?"
"Because as much as I am Willa's father, you are her mother and your opinion is the one that I value on this subject more than anyone's, even my own. She's my daughter, and although I'm here day in and day out along with you, no one knows her better than you do, Addie. I fully trust that either way this conversation goes, you ultimately know what's best for her. You're the one who's been up with her all hours of the night every night because she exclusively breast fed. She never once took a bottle, never. We skipped over that whole thing because you were so determined to exclusively breast feed."
I nod. "Okay, you have a point. But you're with her day in and day out too. I don't think you should feel any less than me just because you are not physically capable of breast feeding her."
He shakes his head. "I don't feel less, I just trust your intuitive as her mother because you carried her for almost nine months and have spent the past eight months exclusively breast feeding. I just feel as though you, as her mother have a different intuitive than I do as her father. The roles work differently, in my opinion."
"No, I can agree with you in that, I suppose. I just want to make sure you're not feeling any less."
"I assure you, my love, that's not what I am hinting at."
"Okay," I sigh, pushing my now clean plate away from me.
"Hold that thought," he says, grabbing both of our plates and placing them in the sink before returning. "Couch?"
I nod, grabbing my glass of almost gone wine and following him.
"You want more?" He asks, gesturing to the glass before we sit.
I shake my head. "Nope, one is good."
"Same," he chuckles, sitting along with me on the couch. "Alright, proceed."
I take in a deep breath, knowing that I've thought on this a lot and do have an opinion on what I want for our daughter, but not wanting to offend Joe in any way either. "Okay, so, I've actually thought a lot about this."
He nods. "I am in no way surprised."
I grin again, laughing a little before continuing. "I want what's going to be best for Willa in the long run and I know you do too. So, while I've thought about it a lot, I'm still trying to manage exactly how I feel."
Joe nods, fully listening.
"I don't want Willa to miss out on anything that has to do with you and your career. I want her to experience seeing her daddy on stage doing what he loves. But I also don't feel comfortable with her going out in public and being instantly recognized by strangers..." I sigh. "Although at this point that seems impossible considering she looks exactly like you."
"No she doesn't," he groans.
"Joe, stop, yes she does."
He chuckles. "Okay, maybe she does. Regardless, continue."
"I don't know what else to say. I don't want her to be in the public eye, but I don't want to keep her from watching you do what you love firsthand either. I want her to be able to go to shows and watch you on stage and help you with your pre-show ritual and greet you when you walk off the stage."
He grins. "I want her to be able to do that. I want her to see my on stage, I want to be able to see her in the crowd. But I do understand where you come from in wanting her to not be in the public eye. I think it makes sense."
"But how do we go about that?"
"Well, there's ways. They're harder, but being clear about not wanting her in the public eye is the biggest thing. Also, there've been rumors about her existence since we got back from the tour, but we've never confirmed anything. Even when we were in the hospital, you remember the tabloids, they were suspecting but we've never actually confirmed that she's a person to the public."
I nod. "Yeah, I think maybe that's our first step then, right?"
He nods. "Yeah, acknowledging her existence on social media is a good way to start. Even if we just post some photos of when you were pregnant. That way we confirm she exists, but we don't show her face. We can always do that too if we want. Share photos of her as long as her face isn't included."
I nod. "True. I'm not sure I want to though."
He nods again. "No rush in making that decision. But I do think we should decide when to announce her on social media. I think we need to do it sooner rather than later. Just because we don't want the fans or tabloids to be able to say that we announced her for publicity when the time comes that we release new music. We still have a couple months until that happens so if we do it sooner rather than later, it doesn't seem to connect."
I nod. "Okay, so we announce her online sooner rather than later. How do we go about keeping her face out of the tabloids once we go out in public with her?"
He nods. "So, I think the best way to go about that would be to make a statement within the post about her... Make it clear what our intentions are with our daughter from the start. Then, if we notice her being posted anywhere, we can address it otherwise."
I take in a breath, letting out yet another nod. "Okay, well, then when do you think we should do it?"
"Well, I've still been posting pretty constantly due to the band, but when is the last time you've posted?"
"Honestly, I'm pretty sure it was before she was born."
He chuckles. "Well, then I think you should be the one to make the most. I'll make my first post at another time."
"Okay, so should we just do it now?" I ask, grabbing my phone that sits next to me, Willa's monitor still on my screen.
He shrugs. "We can."
"If we don't I might back out, not gonna lie."
He chuckles again, grinning. "Then I say we do it."
I take a moment to scroll through my camera roll, finding multiple photos of my bump as well as one of Willa from recently that doesn't show her face.
"Good choices, and thanks for putting one of me in there too."
I grin. "Okay, let's think of what I need to say."
"Honestly, I think just saying something that sounds like something you'd typically say will work. Not showing her face in the post should speak loud enough for people to understand," Joe says, pulling Willa up on his phone now.
"Okay," I sigh, typing something simple before nodding. "I think we're good."
"Post it baby," he grins.
I take in a deep breath, hovering over the 'post' option for a moment before tapping, allowing the photos to now be available to the world. "It's done."
Joe smiles. "The world knows."
My phone starts vibrating like crazy, telling us that people are liking and commenting on the post already. "And they have opinions."
He chuckles. "Don't look if you don't want to."
I bite my lip, staring down at the notifications popping up for a moment before clicking on the post. "Already over 11 thousand likes and 400 comments."
He grins, chuckling again. "Yeah, there's the fans."
"Most seem to be catching onto the no-face thing..." I pause, scrolling through more comments. "And a lot of them seem to respect it... not all though."
"Alright," he says. "I think you should stop. Don't obsess over it. You know it'll mess with you if you do."
I nod, closing the app and turning off notifications. "Okay, you're right. I know better. I turned the notifications off."
He smiles. "Good. What they say doesn't matter, our decision is our decision. Now, we need to decide when we want her to attend her first show."
"Well, you guys don't have shows planned yet, right?"
He shakes his head. "No, but I figured we could talk about a round-about age."
I sigh, nodding. "That's true. I don't know. I feel like she's still so young. By the time you guys have shows she'll be at least one. I say wait for a show until she's at least a year and a half. Maybe even two... is that too long?"
Joe shakes his head. "No, I think that's a reasonable amount of time to wait for her to be able to watch a show. I mean obviously she can always be backstage and stuff, if you're alright with that."
I nod. "No, yeah, backstage is great. I just think waiting until she's a little older makes sense for being in the crowd."
He grins, leaning over and kissing me. "I have no problem with that."
"Thank you, for being so understanding with my perspective."
"Like I said, your opinion and perspective mean more to me than anyone else. And I can completely agree with not wanting her in the public eye. She didn't ask to be put in the public eye."
"I just want her to be able to grow and learn without the public watching her. I mean they're going to see her to a certain extent, I'm not going to lock her in a tower but at least her face not being shown gives her some sort of privacy from the world."
Joe smiles. "And you coming to terms with that is huge for you, considering your reservations about the public for so long."
I grin, laughing lightly as I shrug. "I'm married to Joe Jonas, lack of privacy is something I've gotten used to."
"To be fair, I think we do a pretty good job. I mean, we did just go a long ass time without anyone knowing we had a baby."
"People suspected."
"But they didn't know," he says, pointing to his temple then me.
I roll my eyes. "Okay, it is officially mama's bedtime."
He chuckles. "I'm with you, my love. Go ahead upstairs and get ready for bed. I'll clean up real quick and then I'll be up."
"But you cooked."
"And you take care of Willa every single day while I'm at work. I can cook and clean for one night. Go get ready for bed."
I sigh, kissing him. "Thank you."
"I love you."
"I love you." I tell him, climbing the stairs and getting ready for bed with a smile on my face.
Instagram Post:
***
Okay my loves, another day another chapter.
What do you guys think of their decision/conversation? I'm sure you saw it coming.
Anyways, comment and vote. My favorite thing is hearing from you!
All my love,
Shan:)