Ayaan Fadel.
Maroudi, Nigeria.
"It's a good thing the driver stopped before he was able to hit you. From what I see here, it seems you've only sprained your ankle due to falling off the bike along with the cuts you've sustained. Fortunately, the helmet helped a lot else you would've had at least a concussion or worse." The doctor explained, his gaze moving to the clipboard in his hand so he could go through it again. "You seemed to have hurt your shoulder as well, but it doesn't look too bad. Get enough rest, and you'll be all good."
I nodded, a small sigh leaving past my lips. Shifting my leg slightly, pain instantly shot through me; making me bite my lower lip hard. This is going to be harder than I expected. It's the worst time for me to get hurt, and it just had to be on my leg.
"—You can use crutches in the meantime. Just be sure not to stress yourself too much; and you'll be good in three weeks max."
"Thank you, doctor."
"It's my pleasure, Mr. Fadel. Now, if you'll excuse me." He turned around after offering me a small smile; before disappearing away along with the nurse that assisted him.
With the sound of the door being closed behind them, I found myself shifting my gaze to my head of security—the only person who knows about my close-to accident so far. Aside from the driver of the car that is; but we've already settled and I made sure he won't go around rattling to anyone.
It wouldn't exactly help with my 'make sure Ammi doesn't find out' agenda. If news spread, she's bound to find out.
"Not a word of this to my mother." I warned, because the last thing I need is for her to hear I've gotten involved in an accident just about an hour or two after promising her I'll stay safe. I don't even want to think of what'll follow if she's aware.
He offered me a curt nod, though I could tell he was slightly unsure of whether he would be able to keep it a secret or not. "I think that'll be hard though, Sir. With all due respect..." He gestured to my bandaged up leg, and the crutches in his hold. "...she has eyes."
I narrowed my eyes at him, making him zip his lips shut. Shaking my head, I didn't bother to hide the small smile that took over my features, knowing he was simply trying to lighten the mood by cracking a joke. It's weird because he doesn't seem like the type that would crack jokes.
Looks can be deceiving though.
My mind instantly went back to what happened last before the incident occurred. The thoughts that clouded my mind then resurfacing; and as a result of it, my mood instantly dampened again. I didn't allow myself to wallow in it again though—I've done enough of that already and now I need to do something that will actually put an end to this all for good.
"What time is it?"
"It's 2:44am, Sir."
"Let's go to my parents house first then, I need to take something there." A part of me knew I could trust the man to get the flash and phone for me, but I don't want to take any risks. This is an extremely serious affair, I don't think anyone could blame me for being cautious. "I'm sure my parents are asleep already--"
"There's no need for that." I was cut off by the sound of the door opening, and a figure I last expect to see there making an appearance. My father walked further into the room, coming to stand beside me on the bed. While his eyes inspected my leg to see the extent of my injury, I found myself throwing another glare at the guard.
He looked away, obviously guilty.
I let out an exasperated sigh, leaning back on the bed. I don't even have it in me at the moment to say anything again.
"—I didn't tell your mother if that's what you're worried about." My father stated, already knowing what's running through my mind. I didn't doubt his words; because we're obviously on the same train here.
He wouldn't want her to know either; the fuss wouldn't be on just me but on him as well. We've been through this countless times already—we both know the drill.
"Thank you."
He didn't say a thing as a response to me, but he did move his gaze to the guard there; "Can you give us a minute?"
"Of course, Sir." He quietly stepped out, leaving the two of us alone.
With him gone, my father brought out something before placing it beside me. "This is what you want to go back for, isn't?" He questioned, referring to the flash drive and phone he had placed down.
My brow drew in, wondering how he knew about it. I don't remember mentioning it to him before; not because I don't trust him—I do, with my whole life. However, I didn't want to burden him, this is my fight after all.
He's given me so much already. If not for him and Ammi, I wouldn't even have the strength to be here and be able to go this far. I couldn't bring myself to burden them with more of my problems. I'm old enough to handle it all on my own now.
He took my silence as his answer, judging from the slight sigh that came from him. Moving to the side, he took the chair beside the bed and settled on it; his hands intertwined on his thighs. "Basma told me about it." He stated calmly, his gaze never leaving mine. "She was worried about you." He added softly.
Another sigh left my parted lips, as I sunk back in the bed. Someone might misunderstand her care for something else, but I know where it comes from. She's worried about me the same way she's worried about herself. "How is she?" When I left, Ammi said she had fallen asleep already.
"She's calmer than earlier." He answered, seemingly relieved by the fact as well. "She woke up not long ago, and she hasn't been able to go back yet. Poor girl must've been petrified, that's a lot to handle."
"She told you about it as well?" I could only guess. It just seems by the way he's speaking as if he knows already.
He nodded slowly, his shoulders slumping room. "I had my guess, but I didn't think it was that bad."
"Truth be told, I don't even know what to do about it." I know it may seem like I do, but I truly don't. I guess I needed to admit that after all, I don't know what to do.
And it's okay to admit that sometimes. We can't be strong all the time, and we can't know everything as well. We simply "try our hardest", but at the same time, beware of when to admit we need help as well. It doesn't make us less capable, rather, it makes us human.
This is that moment for me. For ten years, I've been able to handle everything on my own—even though I do get help from my parents. I never admitted it when I do need one, I simply try to do it all myself.
Now that I'm in the position, about to face the end of it all, I suddenly don't know what to do again. And here I am, finding myself back to my parents—I'm not ashamed to admit as well.
The warm smile my father flashed me in that moment was enough to provide me with the strength to keep moving on. "It's okay to fell that way, you know." He started, his tone coming out soft. "You don't need to have it all figured out right now. Rest, give yourself the liberty to do just that."
"I can't do that." As much as I wanted to agree with him, I don't think it's the appropriate time to rest. I'd have time for that when this is all over. "There's so much to do; I can't afford to waste time anymore."
"You can spare yourself a few hours to rest, can you not?" And yet again, as always—he seemed to know the right words to say. The warm smile on his face never wavered as he spoke—and it's times like this that I respect him quite a lot. It stuns me how he's still able to look this calm. "After everything that's happened in the past few days...give yourself the opportunity to rest as well, okay? You've barely had any since Saif's death."
At the mention of Saif, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach, my eyes instantly flicking close. But, doing so only brought back memories that I don't want to unlock. I've suffered the entire night because of it...I've suffered for days because of it.
And yet, I refused to speak about it to anyone.
Since his burial, I haven't spoken about it at all. I simply pretended as if I am not fazed in the slightest, and tried my possible best to avoid talking about him. It was pointless though, because it joined my cupboard of memories that haunt me—gracefully making an appearance whenever I close my eyes.
Hence, why I've been hesitating to sleep as well. Instead, it's been long hours of solo motorcycle drive after another. My parents didn't voice it, but I knew they were worried about my reaction to it.
It's now that my father is finally breaking the silence.
"—You now know who is the killer, and you have evidence." He added, seeing as I have zero plans of speaking. Truth is, I don't even know what to say. "Allow yourself to finally rest before taking action. Don't jump into making a rash decision."
That's exactly the reason why I'm dumbfounded at the moment. I've spent the past few days looking for evidence in secret—my mind wouldn't have peace without knowing who did it. Now that I do...I'm just numb; my brain is as well.
What do I want to do now?
What should I do?
How should I approach this?
Countless questions run through my mind. However, one that stuck out the most was...is this how I would feel when everything is finally over?
Will I still feel numb? If so, then what was it all for? Is it worth it? Is it worth the years I'd spent, harboring hatred and seeking for revenge laced finely under the veil of the word 'justice'? Is this what I've spent my life on?
At the end of the day, what can I say I've gained?
Happiness? Relief? Or perhaps, learning to forgive?
I could use the excuse of getting back what had been taken away from me, but is it what I truly want? Would it bring back my parents, or my sister? Would it bring back the life that had been ripped away from me forcefully? Leaving nothing but a shattered image, a lone child of a family that was once a whole perfect picture?
A child that grew finely in the arms of hatred, and cradled with pain that became a permanent part of him—a shadow that followed him everywhere. A child stuck in an adult's body, unable to leave what should've been left behind and move on. A child that held onto the wrong rope of life and ended up causing much harm to others in the journey of seeking what might not be worth it at the end.
Is this the life my parents wanted for me? Is this the life I wanted for myself?
There's so much running through my head; and for the first time, my near death experienced served as a wakeup call to finally face reality.
"—I know it's hard, Ayaan. However, know that whatever decision you make, at the end, your mother and I will always have your back. You know that, don't you? If finishing this is what'll bring you peace...pursue it, I will be with you throughout the step of the way. And when you come to the end of your journey, your mother and I will still be at the end of the road, waiting to take you back into our arms. It doesn't matter what life threw at you, it doesn't matter if you think you're old enough now..." He blinked, his eyes glossing over as well as mine.
His last statement had us both chuckling slightly though.
"...never be afraid to come back to us. We'll take always take you in, and start a brand new chapter in this book called life. A chapter filled with forgiveness, healing, and the art of moving on. So, be sure to return to us at the end; because though it might seem so, it truly isn't. Rather, consider it a beginning. A beautiful beginning for each one of us all."