Act one, "Controlling the real limits."
| KENDRAS POV
September, 1 1995
Kendall's p.o.v
A month later...
Getting off of work, I came to my house that was the bare minimum, I lived in the projects it was no better no less. It was what it was, I could live better but a girl could do the best she could, I knew one thing I was basically rent free, I barely paid...since my sister always decides to anyways, she makes a lot of money working as a nurse at a small clinic. She draws people's blood even travels time and time but it always give her the advantage, she'll travel and never be heard until like 2 weeks later.
That's why I hated always following her around, she disappears and leaves me in the dust rather it's important or not, just like she did last week with her little boo. She left me hours in that hotel while she got fuck, it was selfish as fuck, but I let it go since that shit was a month ago. I'm over it.
What I wasn't over was that grimy nigga Devante or k-ci? Whatever his name was! I rolled my eyes at the thought of him again, the way he treated was shameless and I felt a little down about because well...I thought he was cute when I saw him but he still acted a fool and that made him the unattractive to me...but what are man for...if I was in other woman in the world they would treat me with respect but since I was me and the most least of their kind, they all treated like I was less than.
I wasn't going to lie and say I didn't have the deepest insecurities because I did, I was the DUFF sister in ever case but I pretended to be confident so I wouldn't be looked down even more. Every boy that I liked always went for my sister and I always watched in slience as they had their time with her, knowing deep down it lowered my chances of my own self esteem.
But my self esteem wasn't because of men, sure they were the biggest reason but my self esteem came with my family's judgement, my parents importantly, they were my biggest haters but I'll never deeply admit, my dad wasn't a dead beat but he is the reason why I am what I am, why I'm always pushing myself, He wanted a better verison of myself but not in the best of ways, to him I was failure but like always I have to prove everyday I'm nothing to that sort.
Now, for mom, she shows me love, she my biggest fan, my twin, someone who I would describe for almost being the one to high my self esteem when it's low, but...she was a very unhappy woman when she can be, she let the stress of a man get to her so bad that she doesn't hold it back when taking it on me. Me and her used to be close but, I barely talk to her anymore. It didn't bother me much. Nothing bothered me..but when stuff did it drove me crazy
I sat my vanity as I write in my book, I was writing down a list of things I needed to do before this week was over and the weekend came, on the weekend I was giving myself a break, just to enjoy myself it if I could.
1. Pick up some food for my dog belly
2. Get belly some more clothes and toys
3. Self care day + massage therapy at the country club
4. but some random shit for the house, a new rug for living room would be nice
5. Party with roni (if she's not busy)
"Seems legit." I told myself starting with the first thing on that list, I looked to my cute little puppy that was wigging his tail, his was playing my shirt dragging it tearing it away at it, I watched and shook my head, "I definitely need to get you some toys little one." The dog barked in response as I tried taking it from him.
As I made my way out of my house, I had my puppy on a leash, Veronica was my ride, waiting across the street, I made my way but getting topped half way with someone calling my name, I turnt my back for a second seeing that it was the dude a house down from me waving, "Hey Jamal!" I said back as I saw him getting his jog in, he was shirtless in everything looking good every time I saw him, I paid attention back to my forward surroundings as I heard Veronica blowing her horn, she rolled down her window waving to the guy as well, being a whole mess.
"Hey Jamal." She said in a flirty tone, I came around the car seeing that Jamal didn't say anything in response. I get into the car putting belly in my lap, "stay out of my business." I told roni first thing as she began to roll up the window chuckling.
"Your business is my business, plus that nigga fine and you still ain't hop on it yet."
"I don't want Jamal, you crazy."
"You do and Jamal wants you, but we can ignore it, for now." She snicker as she started up the car. I rolled my eyes and reached for my seat belt moving belly slightly out the way before placing him back to my lap.
I felt through his fur as I ignored Veronica next to me, "Can you drive please."
"Yes I will, since I'm the only who can." She smartly smirked driving down the road, while driving the road though we ended up passing Jamal as he ran shirtless, we got a second stared at the man in his best shape, I couldn't help but not stare, I don't know if he purposely did this everytime I came out the house but this was the only time I really would Jamal, shirtless and running.
"Fine ass, I'm telling you them light skins be hitting." Veronica, ignorant ass babbled on about nothing but pointless shit, "yeah yeah, save me that shit."
"Hmm...something's been wrong with you all week."
"Nothing has been wrong with me."
"Uh yes it has you've been killing my vibe and that doesn't usually happen."
"Okay, well maybe I don't hear you go on about the same things or about me having a man, that exhaust me."
"I love you and you know my intentions but like I'm just being honest when I'm saying it, you need some dick that's it, I promise that shit will fix your problem."
"Yeah right man are all the same, they're nothing but a waste of time and nothing more."
"You just mad because Devante swing didn't give you no attention. I told that shit was going to eat your little head up."
"As if I'm still thinking about that...I could never let a dude with a S-curl and a perm make me feel less of myself." I said under my breath making the girl laugh. Veronica almost surved on the road from laughing, I looked at the girl like she was psycho, "What the fuck is wrong with you."
"My bad, shit you took me out when you said that, you left that part out, you said that man got a perm."
"With those ugly ass twisters I almost confused him as a stud."
"But you also thought he was good looking so that says a lot about you." Veronica tried to be funny, my eyes winced before going locked on the road. "I ain't gay and if I was I would let him eat me out for the world."
"But you want his sexy ass to."
"As if, I need a real man that can handle all this." I scoffed. Veronica looked me up and down, "Okay miss confident I see you, you want a real man, but...how would you know if that man is real when you haven't gave him a chance."
"Well if he's a real man wouldn't he give me a chance, why should I step up, that's the man's job."
"Your right your right." Veronica understood as my words were finally getting to her. I nodded as well as things grew quiet. "Have you ever heard of the feeling Ctrl?"
"Ctrl?" I asked, "Yeah Ctrl, it's this thing I researched it actually helped you know overcome my confidence."
"What does it mean?" I asked as I for curious, "Well it like this website for women, they discuss things anonymous about their life rather it be sexual or just things they feel like they want, I joined it because I broke into my habit of getting back together with Johnson when I thought I was ready." She referred to her baby daddy.
"You're crazy."
"Yeah I was for thinking about it, but after you know I find the website and read other woman's experiences about shit similar to it, I became deviant, I moved on,"
"But it doesn't end there, see for my particular issue they sent me through this guild of being my own free woman but in healthier way they you are doing it,"
"Which is?" I asked, "Opening my heart and my affection a little more, the problem I had with Johnson was, I closed out on him because I've been hurt some many times. Every other dude who came my way, I used them as some baggage to Destory because of what he put me through." She explained. I could tell she was being serious when she was saying this to, her body language spoke volumes.
"Ctrl means, controlling the real limits, you have to make limits with yourself challenge yourself, I think when you get back you should really check the site out you can learn something." She said making me think.
Maybe I could learn something, I mean...if i really thought about it, what was holding me back?
Not feeling like I could hold back, when I got home, the first thing was take a shower of course but also did some little research on this website Veronica told me about, "Ctrlforwomen.com, I read as I put the url in." The page was black with grayish color all around, it was beautiful.
I ate a bag of plain potato chips as I scrolled down with my mouse at the website. As I clicked on various links, I grew increasingly interested as I read and read through comments on the site and even blogs that were made, but what really stuck on me was the blog the admin made for the page itself.
There was shit that really made me think and that was of the world Ctrl and its meaning, controlling the real limits when it comes to a man, knowing yourself, your body and your mind. In order to have the experience to know what true love might feel like, in order to be a Ctrl state you must first keep your feeling detached then work your way when the man proves he can handle you and your emotions, some woman start a sexual relationship some start emotional relationship either way you can't make yourself too into that man, men like women who are hard to get not easy, but you to decide rather you want it that way.
That whole part I read had me sparked with things things that made me slightly opened, i needed to this Ctrl and I was willing to give myself the time to decide.