Chapter 7: I'm not weak.
"Look at you comforting others with the words you wish to hear"
William Wordsworth—
It took Jisung some time to finally compose himself and start speaking. Minho had to swear he didn't mind him talking about his worries a thousand times.
He even promised to tell one of his worries to Jisung after, to compensate. It was adorable how the younger just wanted to make sure he was all right too.
Between sniffles, Jisung started speaking. "I liked someone. I...I thought he liked me to, but ever since I told him he's been saying things about me around school and now no one talks to me anymore."
"What is he saying, Sunggie?" Minho tried to know, to figure out what he could do to help Jisung.
The younger sighed and burried his face in Minho's chest, soflty hugging his torso. "He says that I'm dirty because I'm an orphan. He says that everyone should stay away from me because I'm so horrible not even my parents love me." he couldn't control the silent tears running through his flushed cheeks. "Is that true?"
His voice was weak, and it was painfully clear to Minho that he really believed that he was a horrible person. The ten year old's heart broke and suddenly the only thing he wanted was to punch that guy on the face after soothing his Jisunggie to sleep and making sure he knew he was loved.
To make sure Jisung knew he loved him.
"It's not true, Sunggie. You're not horrible. In fact, you have one of the brightest personality I've ever known." he stroked the youngers hair as he continued to sob in Minho's chest, shaking.
"I'll make sure he stops lying."
●●●●●
Seungmin doesn't move. His eyes never leave me and I don't know what to do besides stand there, awkwardly. You could say he's inspecting me.
"Did something happen at work?" he asks, but it doesn't surprise me his ability to see right through people, including myself.
I still lie, because I don't feel like explaining what I've been trying so hard to ignore. "Nothing. We were just busy today and I'm tired."
"But Felix isn't tired like you." Seungmin insists. I try my best not to groan with frustration.
"Yeah, well, I woke up earlier than he did."
I force my eyes to stay glued to Seungmin's expertly, to look more convincing and avoid further questioning. He's stubborn but two can play that game and I'm not one to easily back down. He can look through me all he wants but I won't tell him what's really going on inside my head because that's my business and mine alone.
Besides, I don't want to think about Jisung anymore.
"Why?"
I blink twice, slowly. Did he read my mind? Did he hear me saying that I don't want to think about Jisung inside my head?
My perplexed expression must give me away. "Why did you wake up earlier?" he clarifies. I realize I've gotten so lost inside my own mind that I even forgot my words from before.
"Chan needed my help with something."
Seungmin sighs and starts walking towards the sink, probably to get that water he came downstairs for. "I won't force you to tell me anything, if that's what you want. But just know that I've literally seen you pull allnighters and space out much less, Minho. At least don't lie to me, it's a little insulting."
His words feel like a punch to the stomach, a hard one that knocks sense into my brain. It's Seungmin, for god's sake. He's the oldest seventeen year old guy I've ever met.
I know he'll listen to me without making me feel like a burden. I know he won't feel pity or try to comfort me in a meaningless way, just to try and make me feel somewhat better. He's not like that, superficial and fake, and that's one of the things that made me get closer to him.
I know I can let him know what has messed up the routine I've been following for seven years now.
Still, I've spent too many years of my life keeping things to myself. Opening up still takes me more than it takes other people. It's annoying, but I can't help feeling weak by just the thought of confessing how a face from the past has been able to shatter everything inside me.
Seungmin is younger than me. Felix is younger than me and Hyunjin— even if I don't really talk much with him —too.
They should be the one's relying on me, not the other way around.
I've spaced out again, I realize as Seungmin hugs me. The expression on my face must have been awful because Seungmin's not the one to go around hugging people for fun like Felix or Hyunjin often do.
"It's okay to want comfort."
I'm not weak.
I want to shout it to the whole world so that the thought leaves me alone.
I snake out of Seungmin's grasp and open my mouth to speak.
Hyunjin, who came downstairs without me even noticing, beats me to it. "Hey, everything alright?" he asks, probably worried because we never went upstairs with them and I'm sure they've been waiting for a concerning amount of time now.
"Yes. Let's go."
I lead the way to Felix's room and I can hear Seungmin sighing behind me. Hyunjin is looking around curiously.
"Did you two fight?" he whispers (or tries to) to Seungmin's ear when they're close and I'm supposed to be ahead enough so I can't hear them.
"No, Hyunjin. I needed some advice with something, stop gossiping." the younger scolds. He doesn't try to hide his voice like Hyunjin did before and so the blonde kinda panics as we go upstairs.
He tugs at my sleeve and I turn my head to face him with an amused smile. "I wasn't gossiping, I swear, Minho!" he tells me, trying to convince me.
"Yeah, sure."
The weird environment from before has vanished almost completely now thanks to Hyunjin's antics. If only Seungmin would stop looking at me that way.
"I promise! I was just worried something might have happened, Min!" he clings onto me but as soon as we reach the end of the stairs he starts running towards Felix. "They're bullying me, Lix!" he keeps shouting.
I laugh, with him it's going to be hard to keep spacing out and I'll stop acting so weird.
Seungmin taps my arm. I turn my head to look at him, confused. "Come over after this. It's been too long." he says.
Oh, so that's what he wants? Was that why he was so adamant on checking how I was feeling, because he just wanted sex?
I nod, he's right, it's been too long since we last hooked up.