"Ok tell me everything! Ev-er-y-thing!" Aaliyah said eagerly, bouncing on her heels on my bed, one giant glass of white wine in each hand. She handed one to me, and I practically chugged half the glass in about 10 seconds.
I was so fucking relieved to be home.
Liam and Theo had simply responded to my texts with a thumbs up emoji, so I knew they were pissed. But I was kinda expecting more pushback from them. I was pretty surprised that I didn't get an angry phone call from either of them or that they didn't follow me home or some shit.
Maybe all three of us needed a little space.
"Ok, everything starting from..?"
"Starting from the second you hung up the phone with me, after I told you to confess your feelings. Because then you obviously did!" She clapped excitedly. "And then they 'murdered your vagina'." She winced a little as she said it, but still looked pretty delighted.
The aforementioned vagina was still pretty tired, and I was dreading having to get to the part where I started to doubt whether this would actually work out... but I couldn't help but smile, seeing Aaliyah so excited for me. It made me feel like a bitch all over again, when I thought about how deflated I'd been when she told me about Jonathan for the first time. It was surprisingly really nice to finally have something to contribute to the "boyfriend" conversation.
So I told her everything. And I didn't leave a single detail out this time.
I almost skipped over the part where Theo forgot the condom, but I needed her to fully understand why I felt so conflicted right now. She probably wouldn't totally understand if I told her, "We had a night of incredibly passionate, toe-curling sex, I had about 400 orgasms, ate my favorite tacos and popsicles, and then they bought me Chanel bubble bath and made me breakfast this morning. They adore me and want me to move in with them. I'm terrified."
I expected her to freak out and start lecturing me about the risks of unprotected sex—not like I hadn't heard this lecture a billion times before—but she just listened patiently, her eyes only widening slightly when I got to the part about Theo not using a condom the one time.
I didn't tell her about what I'd talked to Nora and Kelly about at the shelter yet, though. I was still trying to figure out if that was even worth mentioning, since it all sounded so ridiculous. They were like the gentlest gentlemen I knew, besides maybe my Grandpa Ken.
"Ok...." Aaliyah said carefully, after I told her that I'd decided I needed some space from them while I digested everything. "So...I mean, he pulled out right?" My eyebrows shot up. Shocked didn't even begin to cover how I felt about her asking me that.
"Um? Yeah, but still. Mom always said pre-cum can still—"
"Ok, but you are still on birth control, correct?"
Seriously? This was not how I expected this conversation to play out.
"Yes! I have the implant thing, because God knows I'd never fucking remember to take a pill everyday. But you know what mom has always said about how fertile—you just mentioned this last night—Mom has always warned us—"
"Yeah, but mom's situation was extremely different, Ana. Our father—"
"Sperm donor."
"Our sperm donor was—is—an actual psychopath. Mom is still freaked out about one of us getting pulled into a toxic relationship like she did. Look at what happened with Daniel and Sienna."
"Or Daniel and Emma," I muttered.
"I mean...I guess," Aaliyah shrugged. "But I think we both know that the chances of you getting pregnant from pre-cum while you're on birth control are extremely slim. And I haven't noticed any red flags from these guys yet. I mean, I haven't met them in person, which is kind of strange." She looked at me pointedly. I rolled my eyes; she'd been pestering me for weeks about me letting her meet them in person sometime, but I kept making up excuses.
"But they sound like genuinely good, patient, loving guys who just want you to be happy. Have they done anything else to make you doubt that?" She sipped her wine daintily as she waited for me to respond. Her glass was still mostly full, while mine was already almost empty.
"Not...really," I admitted reluctantly. "I just...I can't move in with them, Aaliyah! I can't be their wife. I feel like Theo fucking me with no condom on was just a reminder of how quickly things could spin out of control." Aaliyah frowned, but didn't interrupt. "One day, it's him accidentally forgetting the condom, but pulling out. Then it's intentionally not wearing a condom, but pulling out. Then it's not wearing a condom and not pulling out. Then suddenly we're talking about what we'd do if I got pregnant. And then I'll be forced to keep the baby to make them hap—"
"Jonathan and I have sex without a condom sometimes," She admitted quietly, speaking more to her wine glass than to me. "He came inside me once. It felt really good, actually." She cringed before peeking up at me, a dark blush spreading across her cheeks as she took a long sip of her wine.
"...Aaliyah," I whispered, my mouth hanging open.
"I knowwww," she groaned. "We just started having sex not too long ago, and we're already getting risky." She took another big gulp of her wine, like she had to gather courage before she said whatever was coming next. My stomach flipped anxiously.
"But the thought of getting pregnant doesn't scare me. I don't think... I feel like we'd be kind of...happy if I got pregnant." She shrugged meekly, avoiding my eyes. "I'm still on birth control!" She chuckled awkwardly. "But he and I talked about it, and we both want kids someday. We're both completely sure we want to get married. Soon, I think..."
"Ok, but like you said: you both talked about it. Theo just slid inside without even asking if I was ok with him not using a condom—"
"But then you didn't say anything about it! Even now, he has no idea that you're pissed about it, right? Why didn't you say something right when he started?" Ugh, what the fuck? My nose crinkled up in disgust.
What an annoyingly valid argument.
"Because!" I argued back, a little flustered and very tipsy. "It...felt...incredible." I helped myself to more wine, filling it to the brim, blushing while Aaliyah laughed.
"I know, right?" She giggled. "Condoms are actually...kind of the fucking worst."
"Like how do you even go back to using them after trying it without?!" I exclaimed. "Not that it didn't feel great afterwards, when we had sex again—"
"No, I completely understand. It still feels good, if they know what they're doing. But it's on another level when it's raw." I couldn't even believe I was having this conversation with my recently-virginal angel of a sister. "But bottom line," she sat up straighter. "Bottom line is that you were all a little caught up in all the...I don't know. All the adrenaline. Love. Lust. The high of finally...defining your relationship, after all these months." I nodded as I poured myself more wine.
"The raw sex freaked you out, and now you're getting cold feet or whatever." She frowned sympathetically. "But you are deeply in love with them. You know you are. And they're in love with you. They're your best friends, even more than they are your boyfriends." She gently grabbed my refilled glass of wine and held it away from me.
"Aaliyah!"
"Getting wasted isn't going to fix anything, Ana!" I snatched my glass back and took a big gulp anyways, glaring at her disapproving expression. Yeah, no shit alcohol wasn't going to fix anything, but I just wanted to be fucking drunk right now.
"And running away and avoiding them definitely isn't going to make things any better. You and I both know that you owe them a conversation. Just be honest with them, and I'll bet they'll surprise you." She advised kindly.
And of course she was absolutely right. We'd agreed to be in an exclusive relationship now. So we needed to be adults, just let it all out, and work through all these scary new feelings together.
That was the mature thing to do.
...But yeahhhh, fuck that.
This girlfriend shit was terrifying as fuck. Not even taking Nora's ridiculous warning into account.
And as far as I could tell, the conversation would go one of two ways:
1. They're pissed and we fight and end up breaking up. Meaning I lose my two best friends, and I'm back to being the lonely loser in the family. Back to mediocre, passionless, emotionally safe sex with Zachary. Back to being the third wheel with Vera or my siblings.
2. We make up, fuck like bunnies, and then I move in. I start wearing aprons and ironing and calling them "honey" and "dear". And then one day, I wake up to the sound of a baby crying, and I realize I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore.
So I was going with option 3: Convince myself I don't actually love them that much and that the thought of them being with someone else doesn't make me physically ill, pretend that yesterday never happened, and pray they get the hint and leave me alone forever.
Simple.
The excessive alcohol was starting to make me a little horny and emotional, so I did kind of realize that avoiding my hot, basically perfect, loving, hung boyfriends might be a little harder than I anticipated.
But I feel like I was still like 62% certain I could pull it off.
Until around 2 AM, when Aaliyah, Kayden and I were watching Godzilla and eating pizza. And drinking just a little more wine.
...When I got a text. From Theo:
"One week Bambi. Tehn we r cumming for u."
Somebody was fucking trashed. Someone other than me, I mean. I rolled my eyes and giggled, quickly typing out a response:
"O rly? You have to find me first. 💃🏽 "
I turned my location off, turned my phone screen off and went back to the movie, only half-watching while I planned out where I could hide next week. They had another think coming, if they thought they could just give me a goddamn deadline and then drag me back for a mature, uncomfortable, probably unnecessary conversation.
If I was ever going to go back, it would be on my own fucking terms.
I sent Daniel and Emma a quick text, asking if I could stay with them for a few days. Emma could probably use a friend/advocate in the house, being under the reign of her obsessive dictator of a husband. I was pretty sure they'd say yes, and pretty sure that Theo and Liam would not only have no idea where they live, but they'd have an impossible time getting past the community guard gates AND Daniel's house gates.
Feeling pretty impressed with myself, I grabbed another slice of pizza and gave my full attention to the movie.
And when my phone went off again about 20 minutes later, I expected it to be Daniel or Emma.
But it was Theo again. And all he said this time was:
"Challenge accepted."