F--- I did what I had to do. But why do I feel like shit? Why do I feel numb? Why did seeing her cry hurt me deep inside? I don't even know this chick. I mean I guess I do, I guess from what mom tells me I love her. And I admit that my body reacts to her. She's beautiful. I see why I fell so hard. When I was in a coma. I could hear her voice. Talking to me. I lied to her. I said it annoyed me, but it didn't. It made me feel peace. I didn't know where I was. It was dark. I couldn't see anything. My head hurt. My body wouldn't move. I couldn't talk, and I felt alone. Scared. But then I heard her. Talking to me. her voice soothing me. When she talked, I didn't feel scared. When she talked I didn't feel alone. When she didn't talk, when she was quiet, then the being scared came back. Who was this girl? She acted and talked like she knew me, like I knew her intimately. She gave me sponge baths. Her hands so soft, so smooth.
She called me babe or baby. She kissed me. I could feel it on my face. She was gentle when she touched me. She smelled so good. Her hair, kind of like a beachy smell or coconut or strawberries. Not sure but I loved that smell.
She cried so much; it made me feel bad. I wanted to stop her tears. But who is she.
When I woke up. I don't know. I couldn't wait to see who this girl was, and she was beautiful, more beautiful than I had pictured when I was trying to think what she could look like hearing her voice.
But when I looked at her, instead of making me feel good and peace, it made me angry. Because I saw fear in her eyes. I saw hurt in her eyes. When she realized I didn't know who she was. And I was angry at myself. She's beautiful. She's sweet. She's an angel, and I didn't know who she was. How could I not know who she was. I mean she loved me; she told me that, and I didn't know who she was. And then I reacted to that, in anger, and I saw that she was hurt. I saw tears in her eyes.
And I knew right then right there that I had to protect myself. Protect my heart. I knew that she was talking about our wedding in Vegas, and our renewing our vows in front of friends, and I knew that couldn't happen. Because she would end up hating me. End up resenting me. End up only wanting to be with me out of pity or guilt or because she took vows.
I didn't know her. She was a stranger to me. And when she realizes that she is going to leave me. I'm damaged. I lost a year of my life. They probably won't let me be a cop at least not for a while. I'm having headaches. My balance is off. My blood pressure is too high. I lose my temper. Doctor said I could get disability short term. To not pressure myself to move too fast to get back to work. That it's a miracle I'm alive and in as good of shape as I'm in.
But I am a cop. I know that with memory loss, they are going to make me take tests, physical but mental ones. And I would fail. I'd let my dad down. My mom down. And this woman who is my wife down.
I knew from her sweet soothing voice, even before I saw her, that she'd be beautiful. But I wasn't ready for just how gorgeous how hot she was. How beautiful. I knew without a doubt that if I let her near me, day after day, I'd fall deeply completely in love with her. And that would only end in heartbreak for me. She would grow tired of me. Not being able to remember. I must not be good enough for her, what kind of man forgets he's married, forgets his wife. I knew it hurt her. I could see the pain in her eyes. And I couldn't live with myself if I had to watch it over and over every day that I didn't remember her, didn't remember us, how we met, how we fell in love, making love to her.
Since I woke up and saw her for the first time and ordered her out, I've not been able to get her out of my head. She stayed away, but my mom hounded me relentlessly telling me how much I loved her. I couldn't talk to my mom, tell her that I had to do this. To save myself pain. I've never had my heart broken over a girl, and this girl would rip my heart out, and leave me broken if I gave in. I couldn't give in. And I couldn't bear to see her hurt every day.
I'm kidding myself if I think that I could get her to fall in love with me again, the man that doesn't remember her. She's too beautiful. She deserves to be happy. To have a man who is worthy of her love, who makes her smile, not one who doesn't remember and makes her cry. I know how it would go at first, she would be hoping every day that I wake up and remember her. The begging and pleading in her eyes, like the day I woke up. Begging me to remember her. To know her. And every day I'd be a disappointment a failure to her. She'd say it's okay, but then it wouldn't be. She'd get to where she couldn't stand the sight of me, and I'd be totally in love with her. I did what I had to do.
Her love would turn to pity, and I couldn't take that. That would make me feel less than a man. To have your wife only stay with you because she pities you. Not going to happen.
I tried to not think about her, but nothing helped. I'm stuck in this bed. I was alone, remembering the look in her eyes, or hearing her sweet voice talking to me. How I wished I hadn't woken up.
Even when my mom is in the room talking to me, I feel alone. So alone. I've never felt so alone in my life. Not even when my dad was murdered. I've never felt this kind of pain before. So, I know I did the right thing. If I'm this much in pain right now, and I haven't spent any time with her.
God how could you do this to me. Send me an angel to fall in love with me, to make her mine truly, and then take her away from me to where I'm a stranger to her and she's a stranger to me. I mean the way she talked and from what my mom has said she and I became best friends. Before we were a couple. I shared everything with her, stuff I've never told anyone else, I guess. That's what this girl told me when I was in a coma.
God why did you wake me up. Why couldn't I still be in that dark place. Unable to move or speak. Then she'd still be here with me. Holding my hand, talking to me, telling she loved me.
I thought maybe I needed to get laid. So, there is this one nurse aid who has been flirty with me. I didn't really flirt back too much. She was hot. A total 10 and her boobs were huge. But it didn't turn me on or get me hard. I felt zero interest in having sex with her. What is wrong with me? Now thinking of my wife that gets me hard real fast.
I knew that I would cave I had to make her leave me. So, I got the big idea of her walking in on me with that dumb nurse aide. It wasn't hard to get Lexie here. I called and she came running. I timed it just right. What Lexie doesn't know is I heard her footsteps outside the door, least I thought they were hers. When I heard the door opening, I grabbed that chick and kissed her. Hoping that it was Lexie. And it was.
It did what I wanted. But I had to go one step farther. Make her want that divorce. I kissed her friend. Or tried to. Now her friend is hot, and beautiful. And one hell of a puncher. She slapped me hard. She was pissed off. I could tell she wanted to murder me.
It hurt like hell to see the pain in Alexandria's eyes. But I did what I had to do. I was tough. I yelled at her; told her I wanted a divorce. I don't but it's for the best. I'm a failure as a husband. I can't even remember marrying her or even meeting her.
But not going to lie. It hurt like hell, and then seeing that guy come in, he was ready to kill me. One look at him and I could tell he's in love with my wife. I lied to her when I said I thought she was cheating on me. I know she wouldn't. Her love for me, was true.
But it made me jealous to see her with this guy. When he called her sweetheart. I wanted to kill him. It took all I had to not hit him as hard as I could. But I have no right to be mad or jealous, do I? I mean I hurt her and pushed her away.
I know one thing. After finding out she has that guy as a friend, it's clear he's totally in love with her, I know I did the right thing. Even if I hurt because of it. With him in the picture, me not remembering her, me hurting her every time she looked at me. I know she wouldn't leave me on her own, but she would resent me, she would hate coming home to me. She would wish that she wasn't with me. I did the only thing I could and made her leave me. I just wished I knew how to stop this hurt deep inside.
Not going to lie, a huge part of me is hoping, praying that Alexandria is stubborn, too stubborn and is willing to fight for me. I mean she loves me right. I know I hurt her. I saw the look of pain, and betrayal in her eyes. I feel like such a dick for doing that to her. When all she did for me when I was in that scary place. Does she love me enough to fight for me? God, I hope so.
Well, I guess not. I guess I got what I wanted. Because my mom came in here and just dashed the little bit of hope I had left. I guess Alexandria came over to my place, and picked up more of her stuff, and told my mom that she was going to give me my wish and give me a divorce. Mom was so upset. I've never seen her look more upset.
She was begging me to not do this. And I snapped and cussed at my mom. Told her I'm starting to feel like you're not my mom, this bitch's mom. I'm your son. You should be on my side. If she is this great woman and she loves me so deeply then why the hell isn't she fighting for me. No instead she's with that friend of hers. The friend of hers who is totally in love with her.
She said, "Dennis is just her friend, and while yes you hate him, you know that she loves only you, and she chose you over him."
She said, "I am on your side. But you're moving too fast. You are going to regret this if you get your memories back. Your brain is recovering, there is swelling. There is nothing to say that you won't get your memories back, and then what Tom. She loves you too much to fight you. You've made it clear to her you don't want her, and that you hate her. You berate her whenever she comes near you. Do you know that wife of yours begged God to let you wake up, even if it meant you didn't remember her, and she lost you. She just wanted you to be happy, and to be able to live your life. That is true love, and you're throwing it away. I just pray that she doesn't move away because if you get your memories back, I hope that she's still here. I have to go home. There are things I need to take care of at work. I love you, and I'll be back." She kissed my head and left.
I wish this pain deep in my chest would stop. I wish I could get the images of Lexie crying out of my head. It's making my head hurt more. I know I'm handling all this badly. I threw a tray of my food at the nurse. Hit the door. Food went everywhere. I just want everyone to leave me alone.
So, my mom said that she chose me over that asshole. So, was there a competition? Did we both ask her out at the same time? God, I hope that's the case. Why do I fear that maybe she dated us both? God, I hope not. That makes me feel sick. In fact, I do feel sick. Just the thought of him and her on a date. Him kissing her. Touching her. Has she had sex with him? I wish I hadn't thought of that, because now I have to puke and I punch the nurse's button to get a pan to throw up in, but of course because of my previous actions they aren't coming. I'm going to have to make it to the bathroom myself.