If the thought of living peacefully from the moment he had escaped being Gunil's roommate had ever gone through his head, it had been dispelled by the time he and Gunil were in the same room. Jiseok cursed under his breath, casting a spell on everything he knew because he was there—so close to him. Gunil didn't even look in his direction or talk loudly to anyone in the room, but he was there. He was a few metres away from Jiseok and the latter could feel his presence.
Band rehearsal, that was it. They were supposed to play together for they had to practise occasionally. They were preparing to release new songs soon as well, so training on how to play them as a band was the key now.
Jiseok sat on his seat, situated in the front row, slightly on the left, and he took his guitar into his hands, uneasy by the way it felt abnormally heavier than ever.
He was not ready to face the challenge of playing with his band. Okay, he could do it only with their bassist, lead guitarist and synthesiser but not the drummer. He had to bite his lower lip in order to withstand the moment his ex-roommate presented a plan of action.
They were here to play all the new songs and discuss whether everything looked good to them. In Jiseok's opinion, everything was alright, even though Simon and Tina had a hard time synchronising together.
He wasn't willing to work with them.
"Let's start with..." Gunil wondered. "Maybe 'Good Enough'."
"Aren't we gonna fall asleep?" Tina questioned, Gaon gazed at her as she stood, bending her bass a little forward. "I suggest playing 'Bad chemical', Simon's finally gonna do anything." She snorted, throwing a nonchalant look towards the synthesiser.
"I play almost nonstop." He chuckled, his ears getting red. "It isn't my fault that it is quiet," he pointed at his instrument, but Tina only growled in response.
"I doubt so."
"So, how about 'Sucker Punch'?" Gunil asked and everyone decided to go for it.
They played a few songs, Jiseok was feeling anxious all the time, Tina and Simon were arguing and the rest practised exemplarily.
When they finally played 'Good Enough', Jiseok got thoughtful. It was his song. He wrote it when he missed him and could not accept that they were separated, and now he was supposed to sing and play the whole melody with an emotionless face.
They even listened to the demo together once, Jiseok felt his stomach clutching and Jooyeon had no idea what to say. It was beautiful yet having such insight into his feelings petrified him.
The way Jiseok expressed the whole days of his longing made his heart crush into a million pieces. He then realised how much being alone drained and damaged him, and probably for the hundredth time he felt glad that they were next to each other again.
"Jiseok," Gunil's voice resounded in the practice room, making the said boy shiver. "Jiseok, you are playing out of tune and too fast," he commented and all the said boy could do was nod awkwardly and sit still in his place.
They resumed the song from the second verse and Gaon was the first one to sing. Everything seemed to be going okay until Gunil stopped them again. For God's sake! Jiseok wasn't even playing any bad.
"Jiseok, do it properly," and he felt his blood boil, Gunil was talking to him as if nothing had happened. Just as if everything was as usual. "You have to sing it lower."
"Are you mute?" Taehyun giggled and received a scolding look from Tina. Everyone knew about the situation between them and yet the guitarist had the audacity to make jokes about it.
"No," Jiseok snapped back, feeling his fingers gripping the neck of his acoustic guitar harder. "Let's play once again."
"Alright, chill..." Taehyun snorted, taking a few steps back and counting down very quietly, he set the sounds of the instruments in motion.
This time there was no comment about the way Gaon had played or sang. He sighed with relief when they made it to the end of the song which to him, felt like climbing up some mountain. A steep and snow-covered one.
However, what irritated him the most wasn't all these stops in the middle of the songs to correct the way he had done something wrongly but the way Gunil talked to him as they were having a small break during which he simply talked with Tina about what they would eat that day.
"What about chicken and rice?" He asked looking at her with his big eyes and she laughed combing her blue hair.
"Alright, sounds good. I could do that," she pointed her finger up after a second. "But you and Jooyeon are making something tomorrow, okay?"
"Noodles and some sauce?" Jiseok saw her rolling her eyes.
"Again?"
"Well, we aren't cooks," Gaon uttered in his defence, additionally crossing his arms on his chest. Tina in front of him started playing with the bottle of water she chugged down seconds ago because her voice was getting uncontrollably raspier with every moment she sang. "And you seem to like it a lot."
"Alright, I admit, I do." She sighed, her hands clasping on her leather trousers.
"So noodles and sauce."
"A spicy one?" Tina questioned, raising a brow at Jiseok who smiled widely in response.
"Spicy as hell," the boy replied, making Tina nod her head along to his words. The more the food burned her throat, the better.
"How about some soup?"
They heard a voice coming from behind. It was something none of them expected; Gunil with his drumsticks gripped hard in his fists appeared next to them with an awkward smile painted all over his face.
If Seungmin were here he would probably have said that it was Gunil's way of expressing concern or trying to make up with Jiseok. He would have said that Gunil did that because he had no idea how else to approach Gaon, and he could have been right because the crease of worry visible between Gunil's brows and a small smile on his lips didn't look any mean to both Tina and Jiseok... but it didn't matter.
They weren't here to talk with him, let alone reconcile! It was the last thing on Jiseok's mind. He just stared at him with fury burning in his eyes and a swift breath escaping his lips.
Seungmin would have told Jooyeon to speak to Jiseok about it; tell him that Gunil meant no harm and just wanted a happy conversation with him... that he even wanted to make friends again... of course, only if Jiseok wanted but still, it was the best if they made up... Seungmin would have done something about it. Gunil was almost certain.
Almost certain.
In fact, as this thought appeared in his head it suddenly made no sense to him. And in a snap he wasn't certain at all, not even almost certain.
A fresh memory flicked in his mind a second later.
He knew that Seungmin wouldn't have saved him now. He wouldn't even say a single word about him, and this was what Gunil was actually sure about. Seungmin wasn't going to help him out of this situation. He would never say his name again.
Not after his last message that clearly spoke of his devotion to his partner, his beloved boyfriend; Hyeongjun.
When Gunil first read that message he was wandering in the park (somehow after lying to Jungsu about taking a walk to get rid of irritating thoughts, he wanted to make his little excuse a more likely one and he started going here more than just often) he couldn't help to stand still as if becoming one with all the trees around him. As if the words of Seungmin saying a final goodbye to him were too much and caused the roots to grow from his feet instantly making it impossible for him to move. Even an inch.
He had to reread it to break the spell and become a mobile existence again.
Then he glanced at the message every now and then, almost whenever he had the chance. He had no idea if he was mad at Seungmin for suddenly ending their relationship or if he was just weirdly attached to him.
Maybe both at once. He had no idea anymore. He was so lost yet he knew he deserved it all.
Now he was in front of Jiseok and Tina smiling at them like stupid hoping they wouldn't notice how sweaty the back of his neck was or how much his eyelid trembled...
"What?" Tina snorted, blinking her eyes a few times.
"Gaon's good at making soup," he replied. He felt as if the back of his throat was covered with concrete that dried painfully.
"Because you never cooked for him anyways," Tina continued, trying to turn it all into a joke—a bad one, but it still counted. She had no idea how to behave and nor did Gunil have. "He's very bad at making soup, he doesn't even know what salt is."
"But, Gaon, you are good, aren't you?"
He looked at him, too bad Jiseok was already staring. He felt less confident with every other second. Jiseok took it all away from him and to his surprise, he made no use of it.
"I loved them... They were tasty." Gunil added he had to say something. He couldn't just turn around and go away. He has gone too far to retreat.
He closed his eyes for a second and could still see Gaon. He used to be in love with him but Jiseok never cared for this fact, he probably didn't even know about his feelings until Gunil confessed them to him the day they strongly argued.
Now Gunil was slowly realising that everything between them was over.
"Gunil, stop it already," Tina's hoarse voice echoed in the room.
Gaon wasn't willing to talk to him or even think of him. Maybe it was how it was supposed to end yet every time Gunil thought of him, all the sweet memories he shared with him appeared in his head.
They went through so many things together, it wasn't supposed to end with Gunil lying about Jiseok being a paedophile. It wasn't supposed to be like that.
He loved him. He was his first dear friend who seemed to care for him. The first person who spent time with him laughing at his bad jokes, the first person Gunil felt comfortable enough with to cry next to, to express himself next to or to even smile without covering his mouth with his hand.
"I'm not doing anything bad," he uttered but nothing helped.
"Fuck off," Tina burst turning her body slightly away from him. She was disgusted by him and it gave him a kick of annoyance in his body.
"Oh, so he had already told you some shit about me?"
"No shit, pure truth," Tina replied, she wasn't facing him anymore. "And I don't like it at all."
Gunil didn't know what to say, every single word evaporated from him and suddenly he felt as if he was alone in the room. His breath echoed bouncing off walls that suddenly became distant, his skin was being sucked strangely by some monster inside his body and he couldn't help to look slightly up, scared of everything happening around him.
"I wanna go home," Gaon's voice resounded. "Can I?"
Gunil was between the 4 of them again, Taehyun and Simon weren't moving at all, they were just like statues, Gaon's eyes were glued to Tina and the girl had her lips slightly parted, ready to say something.
She was about to allow Jiseok to leave the room already.
No. He has already come this far. He had talked to him, he couldn't give up now. He had to fight for him.
"We have to finish practising," he shouted right before Tina could say anything. "You are needed," he said. I miss you and I'm sorry, were words he wanted to renounce but couldn't. They were stuck in his throat and were sliding down with every second.
Jiseok gazed up at him, he didn't look even a bit adorable now. He was rather mad and anxious, somewhat uneasy to decipher.
"I don't fucking care." He hissed through a clenched jaw and rose from the seat.
"You should because—"
And Gunil felt a solid slap on his cheek. Gaon was facing him with his eyes red from irritation, nostrils flaring and chest rising up and down. Gunil just stared.
"I don't give a fuck about you and this band!" He growled, his voice trembling everywhere around him.
Simon swallowed hard, sending an eloquent look in Taehyun's direction. They had no idea how to behave. If they could, they would have disappeared right now but it wasn't possible, so all that was left for them to do was look and breathe so quietly that no one would hear them.
Gunil had his eyes welded to Jiseok, no words could leave his mouth, he was only looking at him and he could still feel his hand lying on his cheek. It stung, almost burned that place as if it had been poured with acid.
Another punch. This time he aimed at the chest. Gunil stood still, slightly staggered on his feet and coughed.
"You... you told me that we will work this out," Jiseok pressed his lips into a thin line, his hands clenched on Gunil's collar. "You fucking lied to me!"
Then another set of punches appeared, mindlessly planted wherever Jiseok could, his brows furrowed and his eyes slit.
Gunil had given up. He wasn't doing anything about Gaon. He couldn't fight back—it would be unethical... bad... not right. He just felt like he deserved all these hits.
Tina was trying to push Jiseok away from him, she was shouting at the two of them all the time—Gunil to get the fuck away and Gaon to stop. None of them dared to listen.
"Why? Why would you do that?" Jiseok hissed, his fist going right above his brow, hitting it mercilessly.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm asking why," he aimed with his hand in the same place again, pitting it awfully. "Don't look at me like that!"
He annoyed him, he behaved as if Jiseok wasn't even here... as if he were just standing alone, stuck in the same place thinking about bunnies or some other trivial things.
Jiseok's teeth were clenched and as he was about to hit him once again Taehyun caught him from behind.
"He's bleeding, Gaon!" He shouted into his ear, a numb noise going all over his head. A loud beep that muted everything else.
"I know," he looked at Gunil as he pressed his hand against his temple. Blood was dripping from there and the elder's eyes widened so suddenly.
Jiseok clicked his tongue, the grip around his waist tightened and Gunil turned around. Simon rushed to him and tried to hold him by his arm but Gunil didn't let him. He pulled away as quickly as his fingertips almost approached his skin.
Everything was happening too fast for Jiseok, he was trying to break away but couldn't. Tina was standing with her hand covering her mouth—she never looked this scared.
Simon argued with Gunil, Jiseok didn't understand anything from their words and then Gunil bypassed him. His hand was not even pressed against the bleeding place, the blood was dripping down his cheekbone and he only swallowed as their eyes met.
Jiseok had no regrets. He looked down at his right fist; there was a drop of Gunil's blood that he, himself extracted.
♡.﹀﹀﹀🎸﹀﹀﹀.♡
"Jiseok, calm down!" Tina shouted at him as he entered the house slamming the door right in front of her face. He despised Gunil so much! He couldn't even describe how much he was getting on his nerves. He played on them as if on some guitar but instead of plucking the strings he ripped them ferociously. "There is no need to behave that way. He wasn't trying to hurt you—"
"And I was trying to," he cut her off, gazing at her with rage all over his face. She was now standing with her arms on her hips; her brows were slightly furrowed and she wanted to know the reason. She knew he was hurt but the way he threw himself at him... his fists flying all around... sweat pearling on his forehead... She had no idea how to react.
"Why would you do that?"
"Are you on his side now?" Jiseok snorted, walking further inside her apartment. He dropped his muddy boots on the floor splashing a bit of the dirt around and threw his jacket on a hanger. Tina mindlessly followed him.
"None of these," she uttered, wrapping her hand around his wrist. "I don't keep his side," she assured him.
"Then stop it and let me go." He rebounded with his eyes pointing to their hands. Tina sighed, looking up at him and releasing the grip. "Thank you," he mumbled as she finally walked away.
What a strange day! He could still feel the surrendered and resigned look Gunil gave him right after attempting to do—he didn't even know what, but he wasn't interested anyway. Gunil didn't matter to him anymore. Not after all the things he had done to him. Not after lying to him and pretending to be the most innocent person in the whole world!
But it was also Jiseok who had been blind all the time, he knew he was blind. Above all, Gunil was the only one who knew this much about him and Jooyeon, yet it wasn't the case— whether Jiseok had any idea who this informant was or not, it made no difference! Gunil had no right to behave like that in the first place, it was abominable.
And he dared to talk to him as if everything was alright! He talked to him about soup.
Jiseok bit his lower lip entering his room with a loud slam. It was loud enough to make everything around tremble, including something, or rather someone, sitting with legs bent on his bed.
"Wasn't expecting you there," Jiseok let out very startled. His lips quivered into an almost fake smile. He wasn't in the mood to smile but somehow as his eyes spotted Jooyeon resting plainly on his white, not so fluffy cushion, the corners of his lips lifted up.
"Did I just overhear you argue with Tina?"
"Well, I suppose," he sighed. Everything was boiling in him once again. His fingers felt numb as the blood seemed to go all the way to his cheeks and ears.
"What happened?" Jooyeon questioned putting his phone on the messy desk next to the bed. He straightened his back and all his attention was on Jiseok.
"It's about Gunil again, you know I had the practice today." Jooyeon knew. That was why he came here. He knew Jiseok would probably end up getting sad or at least feeling worse than previously.
"Don't tell me you talked," he put his hand over his mouth and Jiseok nodded.
"Sort of," was his unclear response. Jooyeon fiddled with the pillowcase and turned his eyes away from Jiseok. They have talked, he repeated in his head, and Jiseok looks as if he is about to explode. "I punched him in the face."
"Oh," he tried to picture it, Jiseok in front of Gunil, his hand reaching for his face to exact justice, if it could be considered as such, and Gunil throwing at him some insults or even his fists as well.
"But he was getting on me all the time." Jiseok choked out, his eyes were closed and the whole encounter replayed in his head again.
Gunil had that exasperated tone of his voice at some point that Jiseok wished his eardrums would disappear at that moment.
"And you are still mad Jiseok," Jooyeon muttered eventually, his eyes scanning Jiseok's side profile as they sat on the bed with their hands intertwined.
"Well, it had just happened."
More precisely, this had been going on for a very long time and was still bothering him. Now he didn't even know what to feel, he hit Gunil; a hint of relief melted beneath the surface of his skin, but he had no idea how long he could stand to master his behaviour. After all, he couldn't keep on hurting him, and besides, it didn't do him much good... He didn't feel satisfaction in the long run, because with every punch he couldn't undo what had happened in the past, as if pushing his body would turn back time.
"Can I help you relieve these emotions somehow?" Jooyeon spouted, catching Jiseok's gaze that passed their tightly sticking hands. "We could..." he chuckled suddenly feeling a bit giddy, "do something."
"Like, in the bed?" Jiseok scanned his face looking for confirmation but Jooyeon just tilted his head grinning mischievously.
"We could use the table," he giggled but Jiseok only gave him a raised eyebrow and a sly smile. Jooyeon felt his cheeks growing red as they stared at each other for a little too long. "Oh my god, Jiseok, in bed. Where else?" He snapped.
That was the best thing they could do if anything could make Jiseok's persistent thoughts disappear for a moment. This time going further than ever before with no words of uncertainty or unpreparedness being heard.
The sentences in the back of Jiseok's head repeating how much he hated Gunil were replaced by Jooyeon's hands on his nape. His tongue which had previously spilled how much Gunil got on his nerves was now dancing in sync with the boy's. And his body which had expressed his annoyance and anger with its stiffness was now relaxed and stirring in flowing movements.
It was plain good sex. However, to say that it was just sex would be an understatement. It was strongly combined with their feelings—at first, rather with rage and anger but then, slowly, with every hectic move, it was overtaken by a warm feeling of pleasure and adoration.
Jiseok felt better, his mind was less intoxicated by Gunil and more by Jooyeon; leading him to melt in place at the thought of him. And even though they were this close, they both couldn't get enough, they were full of each other, they were poisoning the other one's mind and body, and yet they wanted more.
And even though it was their first sex, they felt great, the portion of enjoyment they induced in their bodies was perfect and simply felt too good.
"I fucking can't do this anymore," Jiseok breathed out as they were lying next to each other under the duvet. Shallow light coming from the lamp made the whole room look rather yellowish. "I can't take part in band practices anymore. He's there."
"I know, Jiseok," Jooyeon replied, his fingers making circles on Jiseok's bare stomach. "But we will go through this hard time together, okay?" He looked up to his eyes to reassert his thought and as if by scanning his eyes he could see something relevant in them.
"You think that it will get better one day?"
"I'm certain it will." Jooyeon chuckled, searching for his hand to hold it. Then he spoke up again, trying to make him smile. He wasn't really fond of seeing Jiseok all worried like that. "When it gets, I'm even gonna laugh at you."
"You already do," Jiseok commented, turning his face to Jooyeon. The boy had that wide smile on his face, that one that killed Jiseok completely from the inside every time he got a glimpse of it.
"Because I'm sure everything will turn out the best one day."
"Why are you always full of those positive thoughts?" He asked with his lips curved upside down as his hands caressed Jooyeon's cheeks.
"Well, but... I mean, I am just carefree, I guess. That's what Junhan always calls me." Jooyeon whispered, Jiseok could barely hear him. On the one hand, he suppressed his words with his hands and on the other, he had the feeling that this statement had a second meaning. Surely Jooyeon would not hesitate like that unintentionally. "Don't think I'm always positive, I also have some bad moments sometimes.. maybe not now," Jooyeon sat up revealing his naked back to Jiseok. "Hope you know what I mean."
"I know and I also know that you have just lied." Jiseok swept these words tentatively, his gaze tracing the embarrassed figure of Jooyeon curling a few inches away from him. "You aren't very positive lately. Tell me what is up?"
His breaths became much more swift as these words reached him. How could he even say that to Jiseok? How could he do such a thing now? Wouldn't he ruin the atmosphere or anything?
It was all so romantic, sweet and perfect and now he was about to distress him with his own problems. Well... somehow he felt like this problem was, in some sense, their problem.
Not to sound weird and stuff, he just thought that it wasn't only his problem. Maybe not yet... now it was only his because Jiseok didn't know but in a second...
"Am I... It sounds weird Ji," he hesitated burying his hand in his hair. He wanted to go back, say 'never mind' and throw himself into his arms but he didn't. Instead, he found himself saying: "Am I not the one who is behind it all?"
"Behind all what?"
"Your feelings," he continued. He noticed how instantly his hands began to shake and his previously warm body was slowly covered with cold sweat. "I'm the reason why you aren't smiling as much as you used to," he stated, shutting his eyes as he sensed Jiseok's fingertips sliding down his arm.
"What are you talking about now?" He spoke from behind him, tingling the boy with his breath. His brows gently narrowed inwards in a distressed gesture and he sighed, not loudly enough for Jooyeon to hear him.
"Can't you see?" The boy drawled, and Jiseok observed him shaking his head from side to side. He wondered what was on his mind, he even got closer, trying to take a peek at his face but Jooyeon just looked down hiding himself in his hands. "Everything that had happened was because I kissed you back then and then threatened you and was so annoying and... I don't even know why I did all that stuff. Definitely not to see you giving up everything you used to love." Jooyeon went on, somehow it was easier to talk while Jiseok wasn't looking at him.
"You are saying that you are the reason—"
"Everything's coming undone? Yes." Jooyeon blurted out, leaning his head back. He felt terrible and guilty. Suddenly, after revealing his words, he felt as if some metal ball was beginning to bind at his feet, as if he just led Jiseok to realise what had been spoiling everything all the time.
"You are literally the last person to blame," Jiseok placed his hand between his blades and when he looked down at that place he noticed gooseflesh all over his body. It was covering him completely in small bumps. "Can't you see how much you've helped me recently? If not you, then I don't know..."
Jooyeon didn't respond, he just turned his face towards Jiseok and it was nothing he had imagined. Jooyeon's eyes were much bigger, his nose was pink, his lips quivered and his face was rather pale. It all spoke of some kind of resignation, as he interpreted.
"Don't look at me that way, you aren't at fault," he continued, but Jooyeon just swallowed. So he really believed he was the one to blame. "I'm just lost and need to find the way out, you know?"
"But I started it all."
"Not really, it's been like that since I can remember and you are actually the only one keeping me from going feral at this point," he choked out, after catching himself on holding his breath in for too long. "I really appreciate you and all the things you have done for me."
"Then let me help you," Jooyeon uttered, his hand gripping tightly Jiseok's one as he made eye contact with him.
"I am not sure if anyone can." He hesitated, his eyes darting from left to right. How could anyone help him? He had to learn to take care of himself and firstly, to learn how to do it properly. But he had no idea how... because after all, it's been so long.
He had been trying this and that and nothing helped, it all, being honest, even got worse. Also, by saying 'it', he didn't know what it actually was. He had no idea what was bothering him so much and making him have trouble falling asleep and controlling anything... He never was even sure at all about what the case was.
Also the reason behind it. He could make some guesses, starting with himself and ending with the fact that once when he was young his father shouted at him and left him alone in the house for several hours—full of fear. Anything could start it.
"I should," Jooyeon continued, snapping Jiseok out of his thoughts. His eyes were welded to the elder and there was something serious in them. "I feel responsible for the way you feel because I—"
He cut off. His lips moved tentatively, not letting any words escape his throat. As if they got stuck here at the sight of Jiseok squinting his eyes. Why would Jooyeon feel responsible for him? Jiseok was just his lover... he was not even sure why Jooyeon liked him that much. What was the point of feeling in charge of him? Did Jiseok even deserve it at all?
Jooyeon closed his eyes, his cheeks slowly becoming less snow-white but rosier. Jiseok stared at him, and scanned his face, getting worried with every other second. He could swear that petit dots were appearing all over his face as if he got extremely stressed over whatever he hadn't managed to say. Jooyeon took a few unsteady breaths, eventually muttering something that resembled; because I love you.
Because he what?
Jiseok looked at him with his eyes opened wider than he had ever had in his entire life. He saw how blushing Jooyeon was, he must have said those words. Jiseok was almost sure.
"Did you just say yo—?"
"I think I love you," Jooyeon repeated, something suddenly dropped from his stomach; some sort of grip, stone, pain, fear.... whatever it was was gone. Jiseok had his both hands placed on Jooyeon's shoulders and his lips were still parted—he wasn't expecting such a thing to happen that day.
Did the Lee Jooyeon just confess to him?
He had to make sure he wasn't imagining anything, he wanted to scream as loud as possible, some little squeals were almost escaping his mouth, but he didn't want to wake Tina up... he decided to kiss him and feel if he was real.
And he was. It was Jooyeon's lips that were crashing against his, his tongue that played with him, his hands and his voice. He was real. It was real.
Jooyeon felt something towards him; something he had just named love. And Jiseok couldn't help but cry tears of happiness. One escaped directly from his right eye and slowly traced his jawline stopping right under his chin. Jooyeon wiped it away with his hand and looked into his eyes; his pupils were dilated and glazed, shining like stars.
Jiseok had to show him that he deserved these words. They meant a lot to him, frankly speaking, they meant everything to him but he had to prove it to Jooyeon.