LISA
Seoul September 2022
"You don't understand, Jay." I shake my head in resignation. He places a hand on his temple with a sigh.
"How do I not understand?" I'm fighting back tears. I couldn't sleep all night. Every little sound that came through the walls made me jump. Deep circles under my eyes are written all over my face.
"I'm telling you, someone was in my room!" Jay sighs. Why is he sighing? Does he think I'm imagining it all? Desperately I run my hand through my hair. It's all disheveled from the constant touching.
"You have to help me!" I whimper. Jay stands up and pours some water into a glass. There is nothing written on his face. I can't tell whether he believes me or whether he doesn't believe me.
"Sit down and start again." I run my hands over my eyes, catching small tears. He comes towards me and puts the glass of water on the table in front of me.
We're in his office. Since seven o'clock In the morning I wait for him here. Since I refused to talk to anyone else. Either Jennie or Jay. I don't trust a complete stranger police officer. Maybe I shouldn't trust the ones I know either.
"Please." Jay starts and points to the chair where I should sit. Sniffling, I sit down and take a long sip of my glass of water.
"Take your time." Jay blinks at me carefully.
I think I'm like a porcelain doll in his eyes. Fragile. Something you have to deal with carefully because the consequences are too expensive. It's incredibly irritating how a person treats you after he finds out that you were involved in something tragic.
There are three types of people. The overprotective, the ignorant and the ones who understand you. My mother was the overprotective one. She brought me tea in bed every night and asked me if it I'm fine. She showered me and got me covered. When I was in the room, no one was allowed to turn on the news. Candles were no longer lit and my father was no longer allowed to light his cigarettes in the house. It was almost ridiculous. My mother meant it good, but I felt like a problem. Like something that was wrong. My father tried to teach me something about morals and fate, but it was in vain. Every single word that left his lips made me incredibly angry. Then he tried to tell me old stories. Fairy tales and stories that his mother told him during his childhood. Really touching... if only his mother wasn't a walking witch without the matching broom.
I shake my head imperceptibly. Let's get to the ignorant people. While I was at home with my parents, I had visitors quite often. Be it from any aunts or uncles. People wanted to know how I was doing. That I don't laugh! A fatal reason to drink a coffee and gossip about your family and homeland. Every time they had a question about my 'incident', it wasn't directed at me but to my parents. It was extremely cheeky then the way they look me in the face and whisper 'sin'. Staring at me like I was a science experiment, wishing me good luck in my face and then whispering in the background how I'll never be normal again?
If this is anything like aftercare, then I'm not worried. It's a real shame. Shame that I haven't been able to get to know the third and final option yet. Someone who understands me... takes me in their arms and comforts me. Someone who still holds my hand when I can't speak. Who doesn't make me believe that things will get better or easier but the seriousness of the topic confronted. I haven't had that luck yet but let's see what else is open for me.
"Lalisa?" I clear my throat and look into Jay's eyes.
Jay has a calming way about him. With him you can switch off. Completely different than Jennie. With him everything is so fiery and fast-paced. I rub my hands together nervously.
"I had a nightmare." He blinks at me intently. His entire focus is on me. My eye twitches slightly.
"And when I woke up, my window was open." He nods calmly. I furrow my eyebrows in annoyance.
"Don't you have to write something down or something ?" I ask, snapping. A small smile appears on his lips.
"I have a photographic memory. Only your window was open, that's all?" I nod, swallowing. I scratch the back of my neck, a little unsure. I sound like an idiot.
"Which floor do you live in?" I close my eyes in resignation.
"In the second." I'm an idiot. Sighing loudly, I put my glass of water on the table.
"Jay. You have to believe me! I wouldn't invent something like that!" I blink at him with wide eyes. He carefully strokes his stubble.
"I don't doubt that." I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.
"How-" He sighs.
"My concern isn't that you're lying." My mouth opens. but he beats me to it again. "Tell me, what did you dream about?" I bite my mouth angrily.
"Why is that important for a collection?" I ask irritably. Jay smiles gently at me.
"Answer my question." And even with such an encouraging smile, his voice is so commanding. My cheeks turn red. I don't want to tell him about my dream. She was so... intimate. I take a deep breath.
"It was snowing and everything was quiet. It was harmonious and beautiful." I explain thoughtfully.
"What next?" I sigh, upset. "It started burning. My whole body was on fire. They screamed." Completely in a trance, I rub my hands over my ears.
"Who screamed?"
"The souls. The ones I couldn't save." Jay nods hesitantly. I look at him curiously.
"Can you remember what you did before you went to bed?" I knit my eyebrows together sternly.
"I closed the window." I grit my teeth irritably.
"Lalisa." Jay begins. I stand up, upset.
"I'm not imagining it." I run frantically from one side of the room to the other. Jay approaches me cautiously. He puts his arm on my shoulder reassuringly.
"I'm not saying that." I angrily push his arm away from me.
"Then what do you mean?" He sighs again.
"You haven't had the easiest few weeks." Tears silently roll down my cheeks.
"I'm not crazy!" I reply angrily. This time he strokes my upper arms encouragingly.
"I'm not saying that. But it's quite possible that your paranoia is playing with you. I can't tell you the exact reason." I look at the floor, ashamed.
"I know where you live."
I shake that thought away. Maybe Jay is right. Maybe I really forgot to close the window. And yet I could swear that someone touched me in my sleep. I sob softly.
"You have to be believe me, Jay. Please!" Tears stream down my neck. I swallow hard and pull on his arms. Why doesn't he understand me? Can't he see how much I'm suffering?
This can't be my imagination. I'm not imagining anything! He carefully wipes away my tears.
"We'll make an agreement, okay?" I stare at him, blind with tears. Jay is so caring, even though he seems like an icicle sometimes.
"I'll send someone with you to search your apartment."
"Why don't you come with me?" I ask. He looks at me sternly.
"Let me finish." His voice allows no argument. I blush out of embarrassment. "I'll send someone with you if you call this number for me-" He pulls a business card out of his pocket and hands it to me. I look at the card and narrow my eyes.
Psychotherapist Specializing In Trauma.
"I'm not crazy." I reply stubbornly. He smiles slightly.
"There's no mention of that. Deal?" I roll my eyes.
"Deal." I accept reluctantly. Jay pinches my cheek and I grimace. A loud throat clearing fills the quiet room. I instinctively take a step back. When did she come in here?
"Jennie, it's good that you're here." I look at the floor in embarrassment and quickly wipe away the last remaining tears.
"Jay" She squeezes out, gritting her teeth. What's her problem again?
I twist my mouth and look at her. My eyes widen in surprise. Her eyes are on me the whole time. So many emotions are written on her face, but I can't decipher a single one. Her arms are crossed, which shows off her biceps nicely. She seems somehow tense. Her jaw is hardened. It's almost razor sharp. I wouldn't be surprised if she's about to bite her tongue off.
"What do you want from me?" Jennie asks annoyed and Jay watches her with raised eyebrows.
"Be careful with your choice of words." The older brother chides and Jennie clicks her tongue.
"Get to the point." I never understood why their relationship seemed so crumbling.
I still remember how Jay secretly helped me finance Jennie's birthday presents. Every time he put money in my pocket and although I often said no, he didn't tolerate any objections. Every time he asked me if Jennie needed anything. Be it for school, for herself or for her hobbies. I smile to myself. Jennie has always been far too proud to accept help and when that help came from Jay, she almost felt humiliated. It was Jay's and my little secret and it often made me sad. But I know that Jennie also holds him in the highest regard. A little memory creeps into my mind. No matter how alienated they appear to other people, they protect each other until death.
"You accompany Lalisa home and look around her apartment." Jennie's eyes widen for a brief moment. Afterwards I see pure anger reflected in them. But in the blink of an eye everything is... empty again. Jennie slowly turns to me.
"What happened?" I blink, perplexed. I didn't expect her to address me personally.
"I-" Why am I blushing? I swallow nervously. It's that commanding tone. She did that a lot to me back then. Jay blinks at me knowingly and takes the burden off my shoulders.
"She is firmly convinced that someone broke into her house." I give Jay an annoyed look. Firmly convinced.
"It's a fact and not a belief." Jay calmly waves him away.
"Whatever. I'm picking up Lili." He then says to Jennie.
At the mention of Lili, my heart warms. A smile comes to my lips, which immediately disappears at the sight of Jennie.
"I'm not the only police officer here in Seoul." Jennie replies and my heart tugs slightly together.
Jay gives her a long, meaningful look. I sigh and I realize myself - I know that we are not the best of friends. Or friends at all. Not that I'm interested in friendship, but we are not strangers either. It is normal, right? That it hurts? Jay shrugs.
"Fine, then I'll accompany Lalisa." He winks encouragingly at me and I blink, blushing.
"You still have a lot to do." Jennie replies monotonously but her look is stern, almost warning. Jay's mouth twitches.
"Then why are you arguing so unnecessarily, accompany her and not me." Jay sits down on his chair and lights a cigarette.
"Take your time." Jennie snorts.
"No smoking in front of Lili."
"I know." Jay replies, rolling his eyes. He opens a green folder that is in front of him and I look tiredly at Jennie. She nods at me.
"Come." I reluctantly put one foot in front of the other. I say goodbye to Jay and only hear Jennie closing the door loudly behind us.
"Where is Theo?" She doesn't answer me. Why does she always ignore me?
I squirm in my seat. Why is this car so uncomfortable? This time I'm sitting in the passenger seat. Jennie doesn't like this fact, but she hasn't complained verbally either. It's her own fault. Annoyed, I lean back in my seat. I need to distract myself! Her eyes focus on the road. Her small and firm hands hold the steering wheel tightly and her face appears tense. Why is she always so tense?
"Can you stop ignoring me?" No answer. I give her an irritated look. "You're acting like a child and it's not fair." Her jaw tightens. Why doesn't she answer me? Why do I want an answer so badly?
"Asshole." I mutter.
I look out the window. The wind is blowing through the trees and the leaves are hanging precariously on the branches. It's like the world switches like a switch as soon as September starts. I'm even wearing a thin one brown turtleneck sweater. I love this sweater. It's tight-fitting and emphasizes the best spots. For example my breasts. I sigh dreamily. I'm wearing black flare leggings with this. It also emphasizes my little bottom nicely. I rub my face. Somehow I feel uncomfortable sitting in front of her like that. Every time we see each other I look horrible in some way. And her? She looks stunning every time. It is not fair! I sigh in annoyance. I squint at Jennie.
"Can I turn on the siren?"
"No." So her voice still works, good to know.
"How is she?" I change the subject. Jennie blinks briefly and stops at a traffic light. She squints at me.
"How is who?" I roll my eyes. Her eyes darken.
"Lili, I mean, how is Lili?" She screws up her face. Will she not answer me again?
I still ask myself to this day what made her give her my name. It seems so inappropriate and strange. But it can also quite possible be that it was Yuta's wish.
"Good considering the circumstances." I blink at her in surprise. I quickly pull myself together.
"I'm happy about that." I murmur. "If she has nightmares then hold her tight. She definitely needs that." I add nervously.
"I already know how to raise my daughter. I don't need your advice." She hisses irritably. I back away, slightly offended.
She's right in some ways but... I don't have the energy to get upset. To be honest, I'm pretty vulnerable right now. I can't stand against her, I don't have the power. Fear and trauma own my soul. They have harbored my heart and contaminated my mind. They sit on my shoulder like the devil and whisper scary things in my ear. I just simply cannot anymore. I rub my arms uncomfortably. I lean tiredly against the window.
"I did not mean it like that." I murmur afterwards. The rest of the journey is quiet and slow.
I open the door to my apartment and let Jennie step forward. She looks disapprovingly at my door and then inspects my living room. Suddenly I feel incredibly sick. I can't be here. I feel incredibly small and restricted. As if all four walls were getting closer and closer, trying to crush me.
"Sit down. I'll look around." Jennie orders me and, swallowing, I nod. What else should I do? I don't have much energy for a discussion.
I also find it a bit scary to enter my bedroom. But let her rummage through my stuff alone? Over my dead body.
"Isn't it better if I explain to you what happened?" I object. Jennie hesitates but then nods to me.
We enter my bedroom together and I grimace slightly at the mess. Jennie's eyes are on something specific on the ground. Oh God! Is that my bra sticking out there?
With a slight kick it disappears under my bed. Blushing, I ignore her look and point to the window.
"Before I went to bed I closed the big window. But when I woke up in the middle of the night... it was wide open." She frowns slightly. Jennie walks slowly towards the window.
"You live on the second floor." She states monotonously and I twist my mouth.
"Then the guy probably can climb! Someone was in my - in this room and that when I was sleeping peacefully." Goosebumps spread all over my body. Jennie's eyes find mine.
Green meets brown.
Emptiness is reflected in his eyes. but something blazes in them. It's blazing and just waiting to come out. She blinks thoughtfully at me.
"What?" I ask curiously. Give me a glimpse into your thoughts.
"You're self-employed, so why do you live here?" Jennie suddenly asks me. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.
"What do you mean?" I almost ask... shyly. She clicks her tongue.
"Several things have been reported in this district at least three times this week. I could open your door within thirty seconds without needing a key. You may be a grown woman, but you are still alone." I freeze.
Jennie walks past me without a further word and enters my small hallway. She searches every window in my small apartment and inspects all the frames and window sills. I watch her work in silence and can't stop my slight enthusiasm. It's probably the habit. She slowly turns to me. I take a deep breath.
"There's not a single sign of trespassing." My world is rocked. I ignore her completely.
"Did you have a spare key and lost it?" She asks me, but I'm no longer completely coherent. Distressed, I stagger back a few steps. I slowly shake my head.
"That can't be right." I mutter, overwhelmed.
Did I imagine it? Was it really just pure fear and paranoia? Could it get to the point where I can no longer distinguish between reality and hallucination?
"That can't be..." I murmur again. Tears well up and run down my face. I'm so damn warm. I would like to rip the skin off my body.
"Calm down."
I hear a voice calling from far away. But I can't calm down. I pull my hair hard and squint through my apartment, blind with tears. My eyes find my dirty dishes. I have to wash my dishes! This is important! I rush frantically to my sink.
"What are you doing?" Jennie asks me, but I ignore her. I aggressively pull up my sleeves and turn on the faucet. The temperature of the faucet is burning hot. But it doesn't bother me. I reach for a sponge and some dishwashing liquid.
"Stop it." I hear Jennie's voice say, but the sound of the water jet is louder. I grab the first plate and start scrubbing it aggressively and vigorously. My hands are burning and they have turned a strong red.
"It's enough." Her voice sounds again, but I don't want to hear. I can't hear. It needs to stop.
All the voices screaming for me, the fear of falling asleep and the constant complications. I just want it to stop. Tears stream down my cheeks and I wash another plate, whimpering. Big, hard steps come towards me. Another hand comes out and grabs the plate in my hand hard. I pull it back towards me forcefully, but in vain.
"Let me." I murmur and am silenced by the click of her tongue.
"You're still completely crazy. Come on." I instinctively drop the plate and it shatters into a thousand pieces. Little shards fly everywhere and a few even hit my palm. I let out a painful sob.
"Fuck." Jennie takes a breath through gritted teeth.
Blood flows down my palm and Jennie quickly pulls me away from the shards. I cry bitterly. I can't stop my tears. Her hand has a tight grip on my wrist. It's all just a lot for me.
"I can't do it anymore." I squeeze out, sobbing. Jennie's eyes soften.
"You still have splinters in your hand." Jennie notices and I squirm. She should let me go. I can't stand her closeness right now. She pulls me a little closer to her and I squirm harder.
"Let me go!" I scream and with my other hand I hit her chest hard and he endures it in silence.
"Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!" I scream several times in a row. Anger overcomes me. I clench my hand, which is covered in splinters, and scream loudly in pain. Jennie opens my palm with a lot of force again.
"Stay still for once!" She shouts warningly. I sob loudly again.
"Let me go!" I whimper. Her grip tightens.
"I only want to help you! Hold still!" She orders me, but I refuse. I need distance and space.
"Let me go!" I scream, blinded by tears.
Jennie grabs the back of my head tightly and forces me to look her in the eyes.
"That's enough!" Her gaze silences me. Completely frozen, I blink at her.
"Don't you see what you're doing? You're hurting yourself! Look!" Her roar is shocking my ears. I slowly look at my bleeding hand and whimper softly. She shakes me strong.
"Stop the fucking act!" She orders harshly and irritably.
She is right. I destroy myself. I suck my own life force and discolor mine own thoughts, but what else remains for me still left? Should I suffer in silence? Is this my destiny?
I blink at her tiredly.
"I didn't imagine it, Jennie. You have to believe me. At least you." Again I sob.
Sighing, Jennie pulls me towards her chest. My hands press against her uniform and my forehead touches her heart. I'm starting to cry loudly. Her hand is soft but also grabbed the back of my head. In addition I hear her breathing slightly audibly. Now and then I have the feeling that her thumb strokes my head, but it has to be imagination. I give myself to her completely there. His warmth envelopes me. She calms and protects me. I greedily inhale her scent, which almost seduces me. I feel protected and carefree in her arms and we don't even hug properly. Her small and warm hand supports me and I crumple her shirt in my fist. How can a person whose words try to cut me be here and heal with just one touch?
My tears flow and fall. We enjoy this togetherness and intimacy for a while. I wish she would never let go of me again, but she slowly takes a step back.
"Your hand." She murmurs hoarsely. I squint up at her and nod silently.
"Sit down. We'll take care of your hand." Tired, I let her lead me to the couch. I am completely exhausted and I would like to sleep. But as soon as my eyes close, the voices inside me get louder. I collapse onto the couch and stare at the wall.
"There's a first aid kit in the bathroom." Jennie nods and looks at me for a brief moment.
"You're not sleeping here tonight. Do you have someone you can stay with?" She asks me and I sigh. Sana offered me several times that I could come to her during the days. I nod. Jennie sighs and disappears for a short while.
In the meantime, I write to Sana, who is happy and insists that she will pick me up. When Jennie enters my living room again, she has a large training bag in her hand and the first aid kit in the other. I look up at her, confused, as she gently sits down next to me.
"Hold out your hand." I follow her command and hold out my hand. Her hand wraps around the back of my hand and it tickles slightly in my stomach.
"Why the bag ?" I ask quietly and hiss when she pulls out a splinter. I scrunch up my face in pain.
"I packed clothes and hygiene products for you." She replies monotonously.
My underwear too? I blush slightly and stare at my lap. Jennie thoroughly disinfects my wounds and then binds my hand with a bandage.
"You should do it." She says suddenly. I look up. What is she talking?
"What should I do?" I ask confused.
"Call the therapist. Visit her regularly." I look to the side uncomfortably. How long did she stand in the room?
"I'm not-" She cuts me off.
"Lili does too." This fact silences me. My eyes find hers. Her gaze is so incredibly soft and gentle when she talks about her daughter. "It helps her and that more than I can help her."
I don't answer her. I continue to look her silently in the eyes. Her hand on mine gives me goosebumps. Her eyes speak volumes. They look at mine intensely and then move over my cheek, down to my lips and stick there.
"She asks about you. Every day." My heart becomes warm. Small tears form again. Her thumb strokes my wrist as light as a feather. As if I was imagining it.
"I-" Jennie wants to say something, but a ringing bell interrupts our togetherness. Jennie clears her throat loudly and quickly stands up.
"That's my friend." I force a smile on my face as I look into Sana's warm eyes. She briefly glances at Jennie disparagingly and then smiles at me. A little amused, I suppress a slight grin.
"Are you ready?" She asks me with a smile, completely ignoring Jennie. I nod slowly. She reaches for my bag and squints at my hand.
"What happened?" She asks alarmed and throws lightning bolts at Jennie's head.
"I'll tell you later." She nods dissatisfied.
Jennie is completely calm. We leave my apartment and look in her direction one last time. Our eyes find each other. A thank you dances on my lips, but it doesn't voice it out. She looks at me for a moment and then nods. Without another word she gets into her car and leaves me with my wildly beating heart alone.
-
"I have a great idea!" I throw myself tiredly into her bed. I sigh grumpily.
"I have to sleep." I complain. Sana shakes her head sternly.
"We're watching a romantic movie." I press my head between two pillows.
"I hate romance!" My muffled voice elicits a loud laugh from her.
"You loved it last week." I roll my eyes. What a stupid know-it-all. She pulls me up, panting in mock strain.
"I hate you." I mutter after she manages to drag me out of bed.
"You love me." She replies arrogantly. Only the devil could love her.
"I haven't closed my eyes in hours." I complain. Sana pinches my bottom hard.
"Ouch!"
"Not my fault!" She replies cheekily.
"Wait and see-" There's a knock on the door.
"Yes?" Sana shouts and her mother looks through the crack in the door.
"Why are you screaming like that?" She asks confused and a small grin forms on my lips.
"Your daughter is very cheeky, auntie." Sana's mother tugs her nose disapprovingly and mumbles something in Japanese. Then she turns to me with a smile and my heart warms.
"I have prepared a few little things for your movie. Stay as long as you do want." I give her a big smile and shyly thank her. Sana glances over at me with a grin.
"Good night and don't shout!" We also wish her a good night and then quietly pad into the living room.
"Is Yoshi asleep yet?" I ask quietly and she nods.
"He was pretty tired because of his soccer training and he has school again tomorrow." I nod and reach for some chips.
He also sees Lili at school. I have so many questions but I'm not entitled to just one answer. I shake my head imperceptibly. I'll worry about my thoughts tomorrow.
"What movie are we watching?" I ask quietly. She taps the remote aggressively.
"Titanic?" I deny.
"Too boring." She nods in confirmation.
"How about a romcom?" I grimace.
"Any other day yes but today I will probably feel lonely during the first fifteen minutes."
"Hopeless Romantic." I roll my eyes.
"The Handmaiden!" I suggest and Sana slaps me on the back of the head.
"My parents sleep in the room next door!" I shrug my shoulders, smirking.
"It was just a suggestion." I murmur.
At the end we chose Corpse Bride. My thoughts overwhelm me. I can't even enjoy a movie in peace!
"What is it?" I shake my head.
"I'm tired but I can't sleep." She gives me an incredulous look.
"You lie badly." I furrow my eyebrows.
"And you're annoying." She puts her arm around my shoulder.
"At some point you'll get over your pride." She winks cheekily at me and I give her an irritated look.
"You'll probably never get over your arrogance." She holds her chest theatrically but shakes it down her arm in amusement.
"You're right." I'm usually right.
"I completely forgot about that." Suddenly she sits upright. I look at her confused.
"What's going on with you now?" I ask, perplexed.
"Quiet! I have to collect myself." What a crazy girl. To be on the safe side, I move to the side a little. Suddenly she puts her index finger in front of my face.
"Do you remember?" I glance over at her, confused.
"Remember what?" Sometimes Sana is a really strange person.
"Our conversation about fate." I roll my eyes again.
"Is that why you're making such a show of it now?" I ask tiredly and she flicks me in the face.
"Listen to me!" I push her away slightly.
"I'm listening to you, but don't tease me like that!" I say annoyed. This time Sana rolls her eyes.
"It's fate."
"It's just a coincidence. I thought we already had this discussion?" I ask, exasperated.
"Let me finish!" She says imperiously and I raise my arms in guilt.
"Continue." I answer ironically.
"I said I could find a scientific explanation for it and I did." I blink at her unimpressed.
"And what did our Einstein find out?" She gives me an evil look.
"It's the butterfly effect."
"Sounds stupid." She rolls her eyes.
"Sounds plausible." I wave her off.
"What is the butterfly effect?" She takes a deep breath.
"The butterfly effect is a phenomenon where even the smallest events, or in your case decisions, have a big impact on the future." I stare at her in shock.
"I'm too tired to understand." I reply and lean against the couch.
"It it all started with me. The evening before Yoshi's first day of school. I gave him a long moral sermon. That he should respect his classmates and especially his female classmates. That's how he met Jennie's daughter because he doesn't find girls disgusting because of me. That's how he introduced her to you and you saw Jennie again." I start to laugh.
"You have to believe me, Lalisa! If I hadn't taken the time to do that, he would never have spoken to Lili!" I give her an incredulous look.
"Isn't that a bit too far-fetched?" I ask, amused. She stubbornly shakes her head. I blink at her, amused.
"You mean to tell me everything comes from you?" She shrugs.
"What can I say? I'm just perfect." I throw my pillow at her and she skillfully avoids it. She smiles warmly at me.
"But honestly? Can't you think of a single moment?" I shake my head thoughtfully.
"Not that I know of." I reply honestly.
"It's a phenomenon known all over the world. Even the little things can have big consequences."
How can fate greet my heart with butterflies, only to drown my soul in a watery swan lake?
-
A/N: Anyway it didn't take long to update so enjoy!