LISA
Seoul August 2022
The death.
Death... it leaves dirt behind. It cleanses the suffering souls and pollutes the living bodies. It is sophisticated. Its cold leaves bitter goosebumps and its quick-wittedness leaves you speechless. It is the enemy of humans and the saviour of souls. It hurts you, tears you to pieces and then vanishes into thin air. Death is the walking oblivion that challenges you to remember. We humans fear death, although our souls long for it. They want to complete their task successfully and finally find paradise. It's a very simple concept and yet a topic that people hide from.
I blink slowly. Death takes away your joy. It steals your happiness and banishes it to sorrow. Sorrow that such a weak heart barely survives. It is death that lies like a dark shadow over our beating hearts. We humans will never understand it. Some respect death and others despise death. It doesn't change anything, it comes to visit us like an old friend. It visited her. Although in my opinion it was too early. My watery eyes watch the frames of the two pictures. They wander over the woman's innocent eyes, her big smile and her brown hair.
Choi Hana. Born: 1999, Died: 2022.
I narrow my eyes and run my fingers over my bare arms. She was the woman who prayed. The one who was shot.
"She was younger than me." I murmur to myself. There are lots of candles and flowers around her picture. I also put a flower there. A white petunia. Next to her picture is that of the man.
Sebastian Brown. Born: 1981, Died: 2022.
Goosebumps cover my whole body. A shiver runs down my neck at the thought of reaching for the phone. Feelings of guilt arise at the thought of how I left the two of them behind. They couldn't even be buried. There is a white petunia next to him too.
How are other people doing? Do they have the same nightmares as me? The same feelings of guilt, the same suffering? Or is it just my soul crying for that of the redeemed?
My thoughts wander to sweet Lili. An unfathomable, horrible experience for someone as young as her. I hope Jennie takes care of her. I bite my lip in thought. Jennie. She seemed so hated. So bitter and... desperate. I don't know what happened to her, however I was convinced that accepting the role of mother was a step in the right direction. Seeing her again was unexpected and then even under these circumstances. Sana insists it is fate. But I don't believe that. It was an ironic coincidence. To bring a woman back her child safely that I couldn't give one to, how ironic.
"I tell you, it's fate! You do not believe me? Then I'll even find a scientific explanation for it!"
A small smile comes to my lips. It's her way of distracting me from my tragedy. I'm grateful for it, but I still feel misunderstood when I'm around her on this topic. In some ways, at moments she reminds me of Yuta.
Yuta. After Jennie confirmed my premonition, I cried for hours afterwards. Any other person would call me ridiculous, but I couldn't help it. He was so young and he was robbed of the chance to watch as his daughter grows up to be a woman. He had made a terrible mistake... he had betrayed me. But he didn't deserve to die for that. I forgave him years ago. There is no room in my heart for hate, which drowns me in only bitterness.
"Lisa?" My head snaps to the side and I freeze for a brief moment. I don't believe it! My eyes widen and my mouth opens slightly. The young man in front of me scratches his neck lightly and smiles at me. A big smile comes to my lips.
"Daniel!" I squeal quietly in delight. I let my eyes slide over his appearance and my eyes open again. His light brown curly hair stands out in definition and his light brown eyes shine in the sun. I run my hands over my arms. He wears a black cassock with a white collar. He also wears black patent leather shoes.
"Or should I say, Pastor Daniel." He laughs slightly and puts a hand on his chest.
"Gotcha." He jokes and I grin. I expected everything, but not this.
"No offense, but I saw with my own eyes how you tried to finish a whole barrel." A loud snort escapes our lips.
Daniel and Jennie were in the same class at the time. The two were inseparable. They clung to each other like siblings. And even though Jennie always claimed she didn't have a best friend, I knew that deep down she saw him as her best friend.
"Do you remember our graduation trip?" He nods with a smile.
Suddenly I feel a nostalgic feeling, being around Daniel feels familiar and easy. Life has a certain irony. People from my past enter my life to heal the present.
"I remember it very well. We had sneaked out, right?" I nod affirmative.
Goosebumps appear on my arms, the thought of how Jennie kidnapped me for some time together came to my mind. Her feather-light kisses blessed my skin. Jennie, like a brush, left behind drawings of love. But the colors faded and love fell apart. She is trapped in gray hate, while I am always looking for colorful love.
"And you had a threesome in a strange apartment." Daniel snorts loudly. My stomach tickles and a genuine laugh also escapes from my throat. My eyes are watering and I hold a hand on my stomach as I laugh.
"You called her at 3 in the morning to pick you up from a gas station." Daniel's grin grows a little further. "You mustn't forget that I was half way naked." I giggle with wide eyes.
Daniel scratches the back of his neck in embarrassment and I hold my hand over my mouth while still giggling. It's not that funny, but I always have to be around him giggling a lot. He shakes his head in mock indignation and I slowly calm down.
"I miss those times sometimes." I blink thoughtfully at him and he bites his lip. His eyes tell me that he could read my thoughts. Daniel grimaces slightly.
"To be honest, I'm glad I left that trait behind me." I nod in understanding.
"You shouldn't worry about the past. From the looks of it, it has probably led you in the right direction." Daniel bites his lip, grinning.
"That was supposed to come from me." We laugh and look at the burnt bakery. Then an oppressive silence falls over us.
"I heard... what happened." I close my eyes for a long time. I nod and feel my heart pounding in my chest.
"It was very brave." I snort. Daniel looks at me carefully and we watch in silence as butterflies land on the roof of the bakery. "It was necessary." Daniel shakes his head. "It's respectable." I roll my eyes.
"That depends on how you look at this situation." My voice sounds hard. My tongue is razor sharp and ready to cut hearts that just want to heal me.
"Lisa, it's not your fault." I clear my throat and blink quickly.
"What do people like you say when something like this happens?" I ask, diverting the topic.
Please take away my suffering. Give me hope.
I prepare myself for a studied answer. Something he learned. A thing he preached his whole life. Something I can vent my hate on. No one deserves something like that. No justification brings back the dead. And no answer can satisfy me.
"How do you justify something like that?" I ask again, close to tears.
I hear the birds chirping and once again my eyes find the pictures. They will end up as lost souls. Daniel sighs and wipes his forehead.
"Once upon a time, a woman came to my church. Completely distraught and hopeless. She suffered a miscarriage. I have never seen a person wish so much that she had died in its place." I slowly open my eyes.
The guilt weighs on your heart and the grief weeps with your soul. It's like a mirror that only reflects you in broken pieces. Daniel smiles gently at me.
"Then what did you say?"
"Nothing." My eyes snap to him. I listen to him carefully.
"I'll never know what it's like to be a mother. How am I supposed to preach an ideology to someone when I can never see this situation from the person concerned's point of view?" A smile comes to my lips. He has really changed.
"What did you do then?" He smiles too.
"Sometimes it's enough to reach out to someone in need."
He extends his hand to me. But before our fingertips touch, we are interrupted by a strong presence .
"I've been looking for you."
Jennie. I assume she's referring to Daniel and that's why I avoid looking into her eyes. Nevertheless, I feel her. Her proximity makes my heart beat faster. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up and the sound of his deep voice makes me feel warm. Very warm. It's a shame that even after six years she has such power over me. A power I thought I had seized. I bite my lip hard. My eyes flick to Daniel and slight surprise is written on my face. He seems so... dejected. Completely uptight and petrified. He avoids Jennie's and my eyes. Confusion spreads through me. If he doesn't feel addressed then-
"I'm talking to you." Why does she know what's going on inside me? How can she still have this technique after all these years?
She sounds indifferent. But I know her... better than everyone else. It makes her incredibly uncomfortable to be around me.
"To me?" I ask, refusing to look at her.
After Jennie revealed to me that my former best friend had died... I was completely distraught. I was barely myself and Jennie is without saying another word, simply gone. It's a shame... such an incredible shame, that we do not overlook our sins. That we are unable to leave the past behind us.
"Obviously." I snort and give her the cold shoulder.
"Jennie, it's nice to see you." Daniel murmurs. Jennie ignores him and takes a step closer to me.
"Almost like a school reunion." Daniel jokes uncertainly. Confused, I blink back and forth between the two of them. Jennie doesn't look at him. Her mouth opens.
"One more word and I'll make sure you can't speak anymore." I look at Jennie, completely dumbfounded. And damn it, I regret it. How can a person be so incredibly attractive?
She has her dark brown hair combed back. Which means that only a single strand of hair sticks out from her forehead. She has red lips and my knees go weak. I've always had a weakness for women with delicious looking lips. Be it plump, pink or whatever. Jennie's appeal is nothing new. Back then at school all the girls and boys wanted her attention too. But I can't deny that the years have been damn good to her. And that uniform. I'm getting hot.
When I saw her again for the first time, I was in a state of shock and couldn't really look at her physical features. The second time she was in civilian clothes... but this time. Wow. Under her protective vest she wears a long-sleeved light blue shirt, probably to cover her little tattoos. I'm sweating. It's still relatively warm in August and I know she's warm. My eyes briefly dart to her black belt and black shoes. Then to her waistband and her gun. And yet I refuse to look her in the eyes. Silence. Unbelievable. Iron and oppressive silence stands between us. Daniel's mouth is completely open. Even I'm a little speechless.
"How do you talk to him?" I lick my bottom lip disapprovingly.
"As I see fit." Her eyes are always on Daniel. A promise sparkles within them again. I laugh sarcastically.
"That's nice for you. But I don't think it's right. One would expect that with age and position something like politeness and respect would come naturally." Jennie clicks her tongue.
"Wrong expectation." I snort indignantly.
"And you're a mother." I murmur. I shake my head in disbelief. Daniel's eyes widen.
"Lalisa." The priest begins, but I ignore him. Jennie's eyes find mine. Her jaw twitches uncontrollably.
Green meets brown. Hate meets love. Completeness meets loneliness.
"What did you just say?" She stands slightly in front of me.
"The truth." I reply with a shrug. A cold, emotionless smile appears on her lips.
"The truth." It sounds bitter coming from her mouth. I blink at her, also indifferent. She threatened me once and will only see me step back like a frightened deer once.
"Lisa, it's okay." Daniel smiles softly at me, but I just shake my head. Jennie's jaw tightens.
"Didn't I tell you to shut the fuck up?" She hisses aggressively at him. I notice her hands clenched into fists.
"Jennie..." She turns away from me and blinks menacingly at Daniel.
"Leave. Now." Her final warning. Jennie has always had a generous spirit, but she has never been so... untameable. I furrow my eyebrows in disbelief.
"Leave? If so, you leave! Nobody invited you to this conversation-" I'm coldly interrupted.
"Hush, I'll come to you in a moment." My mouth opens in complete indignation. She orders me to be quiet? Who does she think she is?
"You little-" Daniel interrupts me this time. He smiles encouragingly at me.
"I was already on my way anyway." My facial features soften. That is so unfair. Jennie doesn't answer, but her jaw twitches... again.
"But..." Daniel waves his hand with a smile.
"We'll see each other again." I look at him dejectedly. What happened between the two of them?
"Goodbye, Lalisa." Another twitch in the jaw.
"Bye, Daniel." I murmur. Jennie's jaw tenses harder. I was just a little happy and Jennie has to destroy everything again! I shake my head in disgust. I ignore her and walk past her without a care in the world. I don't want to stay near her.
"You're coming with me." Her hand grips my wrist tightly. Not too tightly, but firmly. She pulls me slightly towards her and I look at her reluctantly.
"No." I reply. Jennie closes her eyes for a moment.
"You have no choice." I snort ironically.
"Who says that?" Her nostrils flare. Someone is irritated.
"I say." I lick my lips smugly.
"So a nobody?"
"You think you're so funny?" Jennie asks me unnaturally calmly.
"Actually, I think I'm very authoritarian." She smiles coldly. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes and seems extremely condescending. My heart clenches slightly. Does she really see me like that? Am I really condescending in her eyes? We weren't even on the same pedestal. It is frightening when you realize that I once symbolized a queen in her eyes. But today I am a simple village girl.
"If I were you, I would rather be quiet." She says monotonously. I smile flirtatiously at her. It also doesn't reach my eyes.
"You will never silence me." Jennie raises an eyebrow. She takes a step closer to me.
"Is that a threat?" I shake my head.
"It's a promise." A silent second passes. Jennie twists her mouth in disapproval.
"You are very cheeky." I roll my eyes.
"I'm honest. A thing that is not in your vocabulary." She presses her tongue against her mouth.
"Ms. Kim ensures law and order. But what I see is nothing other than abuse of power." The corners of her mouth twitch but in the blink of an eye it suits her. Emotionlessness written all over her face again.
"The little girl learned big words. But it won't be of much use to you in my presence." Excuse me? I shake my head angrily.
"I find it quite interesting how you lie in wait for me, even though a week ago you said I should stay away from you." I look at her thoughtfully, but she doesn't show a single reaction.
"Are you finished?" I grit my teeth. I clench my hands into fists and take a giant step closer to her.
"No, I'm not finished! God, you're so- so incredibly arrogant and bitchy." She blinks. Nothing more. No answer, no reaction, no feelings.
"Are you ready now?" I could literally kill her. I could wrap my hands around her neck and just squeeze hard. My nostrils flare.
"You haven't changed a bit. You're still that pubescent little bitch who has no self control of herself and therefore controls the people around her." I squint at her, smiling scornfully. She presses her tongue irritably against her oral cavity again. I place my hand on my temple. My hands tingle and my tongue burns. It burns with anger.
"I have sympathy for her. Having you as a mother must be a heavy burden." As soon as the last word leaves my lips, I bang hard against a chest.
"It's enough. One more word and I'll arrest you." I raise my eyebrows in disbelief.
Who believes it? All empty words and nothing behind them...
"You don't dare do that." Suddenly I feel my chest hit a wall harshly.
"Jennie!" I scream.
"I told you." Her hand grabs both of my wrists. I squirm.
"Let me go! You're sick!" Her grip tightens and I laugh.
"Reason for the arrest?" I hiss angrily.
"You refuse to come with me." I snort in disbelief.
"You don't seriously want to arrest me because I contradicted you, do you?" She's a psychopath. I turn halfway towards her. I blink at her, stunned.
"You can be lucky that I don't put you over my knee." She murmurs, somewhat incomprehensibly.
"Excuse me?" I ask, stunned.
"Nothing. Now turn around." She pushes me against the wall again and I gasp. Her rough fingertips stroke my wrist as she handcuffs me tightly. Her upper body almost touches my back and her thigh brushes against my own.
"Hold still." She murmurs and I reluctantly endure this act. I shake my head in disbelief and hold back a few sarcastic comments as Jennie leads me to the police car.
She behaves like a child. If she doesn't get what she wants, she takes it anyway. Another police officer sits in the passenger seat and watches us curiously. He looks like he's in his fifties. He smiles encouragingly at me, which I return weakly. Jennie quietly puts me in the car and then switches to the driver's seat.
"Asshole." I mutter very quietly. The other policeman laughs. Jennie drives off and I feel uneasy. She's seriously going through with this.
"What brings a lovely lady like you into our car?" I snort disdainfully.
"Ask your partner." The police officer in question blinks curiously at Jennie.
"Ignore her, Theo." I glare at Jennie.
"No, Theo. I didn't do anything. What she's doing is called abuse of power!" He laughs.
"What's your name?" He asks me sweetly.
"Lalisa." Jennie watches me from the inside mirror. Theo blinks briefly.
"I've heard that name before." He holds his index finger to his chin questioningly. Jennie clears her throat loudly and Theo waves her off with a grin.
"Whatever." My handcuffs pinch. Theo leans slightly towards me. He puts his hand on his cheek. A sign of a secret.
"You have to know, that little one isn't focused on the road. She's arresting you. It's definitely her way of showing that she likes you." I give him an incredulous look. "Her fragile ego led her to do this and not her puny heart." I also reply loudly and receive an annoyed look from Jennie. Theo laughs loudly.
"I like you." He winks at me.
"I recommend you a new partner." Jennie clicks her tongue. Theo laughs again.
"But I like my young curmudgeon." I roll my eyes.
"It's a shame." I reply.
"Quiet now! Both of you." Jennie's voice sounds loud and strong. Theo grins stupidly and looks out the window. I squirm in the seat, looking for a more comfortable position.
She's not really arresting me, right?
Silence returns. I can hear the engine and my loud breathing. I look at Jennie uncertainly.
"Jennie?" She doesn't answer me and I sigh.
"You're not really arresting me, right?" No answer.
When we arrive in front of the police headquarters, Jennie pulls me by the arm and leads me away from Theo to whom I give a smile as a farewell. He gives me an encouraging thumbs up.
"So you're really pulling this through?" I mumble. No answer. "I admit... I exaggerated a little bit, but please don't arrest me! I learned from it. Really!" Jennie gives me an indifferent look.
"Lying was never your strong suit." I roll my eyes. We walk past several people, through hallways and rooms. Where is she taking me?
"Jennie, please." I beg shamefully. She stops in front of an office.
"What-" I feel my handcuffs coming off. I rub my sore wrists and slowly turn to her.
I'm at a loss for words. I thought she was arresting me? Why does she suddenly change her mind?
Wait a minute. My eyelid twitches.
"You tricked me! You never wanted to arrest me! You- you-" She ignores me and nods to someone behind me.
"Jay is waiting for you. He has more questions." I blink at her, completely indignant.
"But-" Without saying another word, Jennie turns around and runs in the opposite direction.
"Jennie!" I shout, stunned. The door behind me opens and a puzzled Jay looks at me.
"I knew it was your voice." I give him an irritated look and run my hand through my hair.
"Why am I needed here?" I ask with a sigh. He narrows his eyes.
"What do you mean?" I look confused at him.
"Jennie said you have more questions." Jay suddenly becomes noticeably quiet. He looks at me.
"Is that so?" He asks in a murmur. I give him a funny look. He shakes his head imperceptibly.
"Come in."
-
Snowflakes cover my hair and cold air slaps against my cheeks. I feel light. My feet are covered in soft snow and my toes are frozen from the cold. My soul is floating. My beating heart flies through the clouds.
"How do you feel?" Who is talking to me?
I grasp for air. Something surrounds me. It protects me.
"Hello?" I call out through the endless snow. Silence gets caught in icicles. Where am I?
"Maybe you should wake up." This calm and deep voice. The snow begins to melt under my feet. I feel hands on my body. They caress my skin and draw circles on them. They leave works of art behind. I feel lips on my neck. Small, wet kisses on my pulse.
"Is that you?" I ask breathlessly.
"Wake up." I groan and reach into transparent nothing.
"Talk to me." I murmur. My bare skin burns. Fingertips trace my neck and wander over my breasts. I take a sharp breath.
"You should close your window."
Just a moment. I need a moment. Stormy lips find mine. I delight in passion and lust. Lose myself in the warm taste of love. Fiery breath and seductive tongues find themselves in a storm.
"I don't feel the snow anymore. It's you." I murmur between kisses. Is it life or death that seduces me? Do I long for a cure or for shards? Tears roll from my cheeks and rain down my body.
"Lalisa." I squirm. Butterflies fly in my stomach. It's her.
"Just a second." My lips find her again and I float. We merge with each other up close. Love flows through my veins and the blood in my body boils. It needs more. I need more.
"It's you. My tear thief." I break away from her. Something changes. Instead of looking into familiar green eyes, I look into brown, murderous eyes.
"John."
Suddenly I'm wearing a white dress covered in blood. It's over 20 degrees. I scream. Scars form on my body. Bruises appear on my inner thigh and on my neck. I can not breathe. He grins demonically at me and tears at my hair, my clothes, and my soul. Screams echo through my ears. Everything hurts. Why can't I speak?
"Help me!" Do I smell fire? Is that my skin burning? They are pulling on me. Every single soul is pulling on me. I sob and writhe violently.
"I will find you."
"Why didn't you save me?"
"Why didn't you come with me that day?"
"Why did you leave me?"
"I need you, Lalisa."
"It's all your fault, Lalisa."
"You're just like your stupid mother."
"You're my best friend."
"You're a disgrace."
"Save me."
"Who else wants to marry you now?"
"Because you are blind."
"What has become of you?"
"I died because of you."
I wake up with a loud scream. I quickly turn on the bedside lamp and freeze as I look ahead. My window is wide open. The after air enters my room. A tremendous thought pops into my head.
Someone was in my room.
-
A/N: This chapter takes about 20 minutes to read so next update will be I don't know when.