ᴛʀɪɢɢᴇʀ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ ɪɴ ᴏᴘᴇɴɪɴɢ ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛᴇ
:]
george has found that, unless his emotions are sad, they don't feel real.
as soon as there is some kind of goodness in his mind, he feels like he's separated from his body. it's like the world refuses happiness to find him at the same time as reality.
being happy really is like a flash of light. it's bright and blinding and it startles him so much that he doesn't realise what's happening until the light has gone again. it renders him so confused that his mind slips away and he doesn't get to experience the moment for what it is.
that's how it felt when he met dream for the first time.
maybe he could blame the feeling on the floridian sun shining high in the sky, reflecting in the camera's lens and shining off the spotless house windows like a sea of light.
that doesn't explain why the light kept shining when he was tugged into the house and given a tour, but it still feels like a better description than confessing he can't feel his own emotions like he knows he is expected to.
blaming the sun seems fairer than blaming his heart's inability to accept happiness as anything other than a fleeting blink.
the brightness had faded to a dimmer glow when george had followed sapnap and dream back downstairs. he had no reason to feel sad again, but he did. it washed over him so naturally, like sinking back into the warmth of a familiar bed. a death bed, no less, but he almost finds comfort in the familiarity of his sadness.
he loathes it, without question, but there is some sort of safety in the blanket of creation he has been building over so long. he wants to be happy more than anything, but even then he worries if joy will be so alien that he hates it. he craves it so badly but george isn't sure he's experienced it enough to even know if he'd like it.
he was happy as a kid, he is sure, but trying to think back on happiness now feels like reminiscing on a pain you once had. the pain is imaginable, but you can't recreate it in your mind. you know it hurt, yeah, but the pain doesn't come back when you remember it, you can't relive it from the memories.
that's how george feels with happiness - he knows he's felt it but he can't remember what it's like. he can't pull it from the back of his mind and make himself smile like other people can.
it's one of the reasons that he's struggling to smile right now, as he sits down at the kitchen island with dream and sapnap. that, accompanied by the overwhelming feeling that he's done something wrong. he can't help but feel on edge when both of his best friends are looking at him like an anvil is about to drop.
"are you still hungry?" dream asks, and george can tell he's dragging something out, putting something off. if his tone doesn't give it away then the quiet, unimpressed sigh he receives from sapnap definitely does.
george ate a mcdonalds on the journey back. it was definitely a well-deserved meal and he had been so buzzed at the time that it wasn't difficult for him to find the motivation to get it down. "no, i'm good," he assures, genuinely still full. he hopes that, with the presence of his friends, big tasks like eating and showering will become easier. he's hoping that constant company will act as motivation to carry him through the tides of everyday life.
"how 'bout a drink?" dream offers next.
george doesn't get a chance to politely decline before sapnap's lightly chastising voice cuts through the room with a simple, "dream."
his tone pulls the blonde's attention right over, and george watches how the taller boy pales slightly when their eyes meet across the kitchen.
sapnap shakes his head lightly, almost scoldingly but without being mean. "stop dragging it out," he tells the blond.
george's chest constricts, squeezing around his heart like a boa constrictor and leaving him breathless. his friends hold their eye contact, sharing a silent conversation across the space between them. "dragging what out?" george finds the balls to ask, hoping they can't hear the anxiety that sinks through his syllables.
dream glances at george before looking back at sapnap. he remains silent, rolling his lips into his mouth in some kind of silent refusal. george can feel the nerves that flow from the blond too, and their shared anxiety almost settles him a bit. at least he isn't the only one who can feel the walls closing in around them.
sapnap sighs, louder this time, and george looks over at the sound at the same time that sapnap shifts to face him. "me and dream are together."
george's gaze drags from sapnap to dream, his mind refusing to take in the words until he sees the flustered look on the blonde's face. he's looking down at the floor, cheeks flushed and lips turned up the corners.
he looks back at sapnap. "dating?"
the answer is obvious but he asks anyway.
expectedly, sapnap nods.
george looks back at dream to find the blond now staring back, his expression expectant under the blush of his cheeks.
to say george is surprised would be a wild understatement. he knew both of his friends were attracted to men: dream, because he never tried to hide it and sapnap, because he had come out to them over discord one teary night when he was scared to tell his religious parents. they had been supportive in the end, but the initial jump was terrifying for the ravenette.
and, in all honestly, it doesn't surprise george that dream developed feelings for the ravenette. dream is so full of love for everyone, and george doesn't doubt that he crushes on all of his friends at least a little bit. dream falls in love with everyone he meets, often past the point of platonic, but he has never acted on his feelings before. george always thought it was because he couldn't choose one person when he wanted everyone so much. deep down, he had always imagined the blond ending up in a polyamorous or open relationship of some kind.
it's not all that surprising that sapnap fell for dream, either. the blond is so easily loveable: tall and handsome and kind beyond the bounds of most people. dream falls in love with everyone, and everyone falls in love with dream. even george questioned his feelings for the younger boy at one point.
george is more surprised that they confessed their feelings for each other. the love doesn't shock him, the communication does. george doesn't see either of his friends as the kind of person who would confess to their romantic feelings.
"we wanted to wait to tell you in person," sapnap starts, and george belatedly realises that his silence has likely been perceived with negative connotations. "we got together right before i came to england but, with everything that was happening then, it didn't feel like good timing. you know?"
it's been months since sapnap came to england. george hadn't even wondered how long they'd been together but now he knows he feels almost embarrassed. how has it been so long? how did he not notice? why didn't they tell him?
sapnap had said they wanted to wait to tell him in person but he'd also said it didn't feel like good timing - well which was it?
with everything that was happening then.
george knows sapnap is referring to his depression and, for some reason, it makes him feel more embarrassed. he's still depressed. does that mean he still shouldn't know? do they expect him to be better?
they should. after all, he blamed his loneliness for his sadness.
"and it's not like-" dream stutters, clearly trying to fill the silence, "we thought about saying and like, we thought- you're the first person we told, except my mom, and she told drista but i wanted to tell you first we just had to tell her because we needed- it's not like we wanted to keep secrets or anything, we thought-"
dream cuts himself off when sapnap's hand holds his arm, and george watches the ravenette's fingers tense as he offers the blond a reassuring squeeze.
silence settles across the trio for a few long, tense moments.
george has to build up the will to speak for multiple seconds before being able to bring himself to say, "i'm happy for you both."
"you don't seem very happy," sapnap points out. he's referring to george's emotionless 'excitement', clearly, but george can't help but feel terribly seen by the simple words.
guilt trickles into his system again, flowing slowly through him and seeping into the cracks in his heart and brain. he should be really happy, but how can he be happy for them when he can't even be happy for himself?
thinking about it, he would rather be happy for his friends. they deserve it more.
"i am," he defends, and it's a lie but he sounds strong-willed. george doesn't know how to explain that he likes them being together, and the thought of the being happy settles something inside of him, but the feeling isn't happiness. he still isn't happy, regardless of the good news being handed over to him. "i'm just surprised. really, this is great."
dream's smile cuts across his face so bright and real, pushing his cheeks up and squinting his eyes. he sighs in evident relief and his attention shifts to sapnap. "thank fuck."
george can see the light in his eyes when they land on the ravenette, sparkling like sapnap is the human embodiment of the sun, and george wonders how he could've missed that shine for so long. how did he never notice the light that burns so bright between them, never dimming like george's own flashes do?
[:
hope you're enjoying
i love you xx
-kit