ᴛʀɪɢɢᴇʀ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ ɪɴ ᴏᴘᴇɴɪɴɢ ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛᴇ
:]
george has no idea what dream and sapnap are laughing at. he's pretty sure it was something he said but he zoned out just after, trying to read an email, and whatever it was slipped his mind.
the email is something about merch. he doesn't bother reading it after seeing that both sapnap and dream have already signed the attached form. if they're okay with whatever it is then so he is.
he doesn't even do his real signature, simply scribbling a random line and typing his name just below before reattaching the form and sending it back to dream to sort out.
george's shoulders feel really heavy today. he managed to order some mcdonalds earlier and hauled himself out of his chair to go and get it when it arrived but, other than that, he hasn't moved from in front of his pc. he did some editing earlier but he was moving on autopilot, hardly focused, and he's pretty sure he did a terrible job.
he didn't laugh once at the recording so he was probably feeling so numb that he got rid of all the funny bits without noticing.
he doesn't even remember how he got on a call with his best friends. he hasn't been focused in the slightest.
by his side, george's big mac sits half-eaten, his large fries completely untouched. he ate all nine of his nuggets and a good amount of his coke, but the rest of it has been forgotten about, even though he still feels hunger deep in his gut.
"okay dream," sapnap sings, tone light and playful. george can imagine how he smiles like an idiot and the thought makes him frown to himself. he loves that his friends have found their happiness but he doesn't understand why he got left behind.
what is so bad about him that even the omnibenevolence of happiness is avoiding him?
dream teases the ravenette back and george switches his second monitor to display discord. dream's face cam is off, obviously, but sapnap has his open. he is grinning at whatever dream just said, his face looking bright even in the darkness of his office.
the way the pair laugh together seems so easy and light and george hates that he feels jealous. he knows that his friends deserve the joy they are feeling but he feels like he deserves some too. they've spent so much of their lives doing the same things, why aren't they all happy? why is george trailing behind while his friends thrive on?
george moves his hands to his lap and looks down at them. his nails are getting grown out and it's gross. he hardly even has to think before his fingers are by his lips and he's biting at the nails, trying to pull them off.
it's the least he can do to make himself look less of a mess. he can accept greasy hair, he can allow grime and unwashed clothes and sunken eyes, but long nails feel like a step too far, especially when there is such an easy solution.
"george?"
the brunette hums through the finger in his mouth, letting his gaze flick back up to his monitor. he watches the ring around dream's profile picture shine green as he talks.
"are you still going to record that thing with tommy?"
george looks over at his calendar before remembering that he hasn't even changed it to the correct month. he shrugs before realising dream won't be able to see him and verbalising, "dunno." his voice is just slightly muffled as he continues to bite at his nails.
"well if you don't then you can join us," he offers. george doesn't want to admit that he wasn't listening to his friends' filming plans, and therefore has no idea what video he would be joining them for, so he just hums in response.
george thinks that people overlook how great humming is. it's like the perfect balance between proving you're listening and not actually offering any committing answer to the conversation. he loves it. he sort of wants to hum again but he won't because he has no reason to and he already knows his friends will find a way to make a sex joke out of it.
belatedly catching up with the conversation, george tries to rack his memory about what he should be filming with tommy. the fact that dream just brought it up means it's probably something that is happening soon, but he has no recollection of agreeing to film with the blond.
he looks over at his discord dms. he hasn't received anything new from tommy for almost a week now so he supposes that, whatever it was, the blond must've forgotten about it too. simply, if tommy doesn't bring it up then it won't happen. no way in hell that george will go out of his way to make plans.
if he has committed to something then he will follow through but he hasn't got the energy to go out of his way to offer up his time.
even talking to his two best friends makes him feel tired and he hates it. he hates that he can't even bring himself to be happy for the people that he loves the most in this world. happiness doesn't even find him now, when he has no reason to be sad.
everyone else is happy and living and george is dying alone in his flat. george is dying. he's drowning. he feels so alone even though he knows there are people who care.
"i think i might be depressed."
there is a long silence after he speaks. he's not sure if they were talking before and he cut them off or if it was already quiet.
he looks over at sapnap's camera to see the ravenette with furrowed brows and a frown, his gaze seeming to take in their call as if he doesn't know if he should believe what he just heard.
it's dream who speaks first, his voice unsure and calm as he asks, "like, really?"
george shrugs. they still can't see him but he doesn't bother putting words with the action. he thinks that his silence is an answer in itself.
deep down, he's not even sure why he said it, but he just needed them to know. he needed someone to know how sad and alone he feels. he needed someone to care. he needs help and he thinks this is the only way he'll find it. maybe he won't find happiness, but at the very least he hopes to find relief.
"what's wrong?" sapnap asks him. george is surprised that the ravenette hasn't switched his camera off yet. instead, his concerned features are still visible, right there on his screen.
"everyone is together and i'm on my own," george confesses. he's not alone, he knows that. just seconds ago they were talking about him going to see tommy, but it's just not the same. he hopes they will see that. he hopes they'll understand what he means.
george wants to go home, to america, to his best friends. he wants to meet dream and fight sapnap and cuddle patches and finally feel pieced together again. he needs something to fix this break that burns through him.
george hears a distant ding and watches as sapnap leans over to his computer, his gaze flicking before he looks down at his keyboard. the green around dream's profile picture exposes that the keyboard clicks are coming from his end of the call and george feels his insides curl when he realises his best friends are texting.
about him, surely.
"have you had any update on the visa?" dream asks.
george scoffs, harsher than intended but he thinks it's a valid reaction. "obviously not," he replies. dream is an idiot if he thinks that george would keep back details. no matter what happens, whether it's accepted or denied, these two boys will be the first to know. he will need them, he knows, whether it's to book plane tickets or hold him together as he breaks over the phone.
"what if i come to visit you?" sapnap suggests.
george looks up at the discord, reading the concern in the ravenette's features. he can see the care in every crease of his skin, in the dullness of his eyes. "you'd come to england?"
"if it would make you feel better, any day."
[:
it's the 25th of january and i've just written this chapter and i officially hate this book. why is it so bad i'm actually stressed like what? this is so shit i can't handle
it's the 14th of february and i started writing a new book behind the scenes and i already prefer it to this. though, this book does get better and i don't hate it as much as when i wrote that ^^
i love you <3
-kit