Note: We're halfway through the story already. Yey!
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Becca woke first, sitting in bed, knees drawn to her chest as she sustained herself off too little sleep, raw-eyed and slumped but harbouring a kernel of fear in her chest.
She'd gotten a mere handful of hours, the sky still lingering in the shadows of a slow dawn when she roused herself, sitting up and silently keeping watch as Freen slept. She looked peaceful, completely unaware of her girlfriend sitting beside her, worried and exhausted from a sleepless night.
She didn't so much as move until Freen woke up, a smile splitting her face as she spread her arms, stretching, and blearily blinked. Becca let out a pent up breath, a spasm of a conflicted smile running across her face as her heart twinged and her stomach tied itself further into knots.
"Morning," Freen mumbled, rubbing at her face, indented with the seams of the pillowcase.
Becca was slow in replying, and perhaps it was all written on her face, but Freen pushed herself up, blinking owlishly as she pushed her tangled hair out of her face. "What's wrong?"
Becca choked on a laugh, pinching the bridge of her nose as she ducked her head down, forehead almost touching her drawn up knees.
"You don't remember," Becca murmured, "how can you not remember?"
"Remember what?" Freen asked, her voice slow and cautious and thick with sleep.
"There were fireworks," Becca hoarsely said, a pained tremor in her voice, "last night. You- I don't even know if you were awake or... you just- you covered my mouth. You..."
"Did I hurt you?" Freen asked, shoving aside the blankets as she moved towards Becca, paling as her lips parted and horror washed over her.
Taking Freen's hand in her own, Becca smiled unevenly as she fiddled with her fingers, lightly tracing the threading veins and bumps of fine bones and lines, shaking her head.
"No, you didn't hurt me; you scared me."
"I'm sorry," Freen whispered, cupping the back of Becca's neck as she leaned her forehead against her temple. "I'm sorry; I must have been dreaming. I didn't--"
"It's fine," Becca stressed, "you don't have to apologise, I just- I didn't know how to wake you up. How to help you. You were just... stuck in your head. It scared me."
"It's- I'm fine, it was just- it doesn't happen often," Freen unconvincingly reassured her, a desperate edge to the words. "The dreams, the nightmares... they're usually just for the first week. You saw for yourself - I didn't have one the other night. It was just the fireworks; they must have-"
With a frustrated scoff, Becca rubbed at the sore spot above her eye, a headache from a lack of sleep already building. "I know what they did. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm also not an idiot, Freen."
"It's not--"
"Shall I get Nam in here? See what she thinks?"
Freen made a low sound of irritation at the back of her throat, her gentle face furrowing into a frown as she clenched her teeth and jutted her jaw forward stubbornly.
"Just leave it alone," she softly pleaded, an undercurrent of a warning in her words, "I'll be gone in a week anyway; it won't matter."
Becca couldn't mask the flinch at the flippant way Freen brought up her leaving, as if it was some mild inconvenience, as if it was nothing. She didn't want to be confronted with losing her, and it made her temper spike for Freen to dismiss it as nothing, as if leaving would fix it instead of exacerbating the problem.
Scowling, Becca pulled back the blankets and climbed out of bed, pulling a sweater on over her t-shirt as two splotches of red touched her pale cheeks.
"Well, if it won't matter then..." Becca sarcastically replied, jerking down the hem of the sweater.
Stalking towards the door, Becca heard Freen sigh behind her, "well... where are you going?"
"Breakfast."
Vanishing downstairs alone, she banged around the kitchen with flushed cheeks until she had a scalding cup of over extracted coffee and was gulping it down with a scowl on her face as she ran a brush through Athena's fur, grooming the patient dog as the house creaked deafeningly around her.
Nun was home before anyone else stirred, the key in the lock and the sound of her running shoes squeaking on the lip of the door as she stepped inside. Becca could feel the gust of cool air down the hallway and listened to the sound of her disappearing upstairs, the pipes groaning as she went into the bathroom to wash off the smell of the hospital.
Alone, Becca finished grooming Athena and let her outside, watching from the back porch as the dog sniffed around in the cold garden for ten minutes before padding back up to her.
Burying her fingers in the damp bristles of her fur, Becca sighed and turned right as the door opened to reveal Freen standing there. Bundled up in her sweatshirt, looking drawn with sadness, she moved over to Becca and wrapped her arms around her, chin propped on her shoulder as she hunched down slightly.
"Don't be mad, please," Freen murmured.
"Then don't be stupid," Becca retorted.
"I'm not. I just- I don't think there's any point in doing anything now . I've got a week left and then I'll just be right back in the middle of it all, so... anyway, maybe it'd just be... better if I waited until I was back."
Mouth twisting down sourly at the corners, Becca leaned her weight back against Freen and was silent for a moment. "Fine."
With a soft sigh, Freen nuzzled the side of her neck, "can we just... enjoy our last day here?"
"Of course," Becca murmured, regret and sadness creeping into her face as she looked down at Freen's tanned hands, clasping her bony wrists as she held Becca in the circle of her arms. "What's on the agenda?"
"How about we go somewhere? Just the two of us."
"Okay."
"There's a spot just a little while outside of town. I used to love hiking there in high school; it overlooks the sea."
Humming, Becca nodded as she looked out at the roiling water spread out before them.
They'd yet to indulge themselves in enough alone time, or much time to do anything but let Freen dwell in the interrupted time with her family, and the thought of a hike up through the sloping cliffs clinging to the coastline and a day spent in the waning sunshine of autumn before the cold swept in was too good to pass up.
"Sounds perfect."
They filled a thermos with coffee and dressed warmly, Freen wearing a puffer vest over her hooded sweatshirt while Becca opted for a scarf. Eating a quick breakfast and packing lunch, they borrowed Nun's car and Freen drove them through the early morning, silent and stoic and a little wan as the grey light leached the gold from her tan.
Tired, Becca leaned against the door and dozed lightly, tuning out the Podcast they were listening to as the few miles slipped by quietly, a haze of fog shrouding the car as they wound through tree- lined coastal roads.
Freen pulled off in the shadow of a cliff face, pines and firs crowding the damp earth as moss blanketed everything else, and Becca drank in the damp air as she climbed out of the car.
Athena sniffed at a rotting log and bounded through the underbrush as Freen hauled her backpack from the car and then smiled faintly. Holding out her hand, she jerked her head off to a gap in the trees.
"This way."
Boots crunching through the earth, Becca crossed over to her and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before they set off into the trees.
It was cold and damp, birds crying out in the stillness of the trees and fog gathering around their ankles as they hiked the slowly sloping ground up to the top of the cliffs. It didn't take long, barely an hour to make it to the top and then out towards the edge with the sound of the ocean beckoning them.
The air was briny and fresh, Becca's cheeks rosy from the brisk wind, and she felt a little less tense as Freen stopped at the edge of the cliff, shaking out a plaid blanket and sinking down onto it.
Settling down beside her, Becca stretched her legs out before her and exhaled heavily as she looked out at the expanse of gunmetal blue waves stretching out below them, as far as she could see.
There was a fishing trawler crawling by in the distance and she watched quietly as Freen unscrewed the thermos and filled the plastic cup with hot coffee.
They took turns sipping the bitter coffee, warming their hands as the morning slowly warmed with the sun climbing higher in the sky. Slowly, the palpable uneasiness between them dissipated and their halting conversation became smoother, if still a little infrequent.
Sprawled out, Becca read from a book of essays while Freen listened to the rest of the Podcast with her earphones in, the morning passing by swiftly as they made the most of the damp coastline and its deciduous forests.
Tomorrow, they'd be back in National City, in the dry heat and busy city, cramming their days with things to do, not wanting to waste time relaxing when there was so much to do.
As late morning slipped into early afternoon, they ate their packed lunch and got up to stretch their legs, wandering through the trees as Freen led her with unerring direction, pointing out the occasional squirrel or bird in the gloominess of the coastal forest.
The sound of the ocean stayed with them as they walked, although it remained out of sight, far below the cliff's edge, and Becca was struck with a pang of sorrow.
"I'm going to miss this," she called out, fingertips grazing the lichen covered bark of a tree as she ducked beneath a branch.
Freen slowed and glanced back over her shoulder, a soft smile curling her lips as her eyebrows winged up in a gentle look of amusement. "We'll come back next time."
Becca returned her smile but didn't have it in her to say how it wasn't just that little spot on the cliffside, or even the quiet town, but the feeling that came with it.
It felt different to be somewhere removed from her normal life, where she could enjoy Freen completely, knowing that she was safe and that they were together.
Going back to National City felt like the end was coming, and Becca wanted to preserve their time in Midvale and live in it for an eternity.
Instead, they lingered a while longer and then folded their blanket and drank in the sight of the glimmering ocean before Freen whistled sharply for Athena and they made the hike back down to the car.
It was still early when they got home, the long stretch of afternoon waiting for them as they listened to music on the back porch and drank cider while playing Uno with Mind and Nam.
Later on that evening, they made their own pizzas, rolling out dough and chopping mushrooms and pepperoni and basil leaves, the house dim as the sunlight faded and a chill seeped through the clapboard house.
It was almost cozy, drinking wine in the amber glow of the dim lights, pizza cooking in the oven and warm air blowing from the vents as a light drizzle started up, gracing them with wet weather before they returned to California's warmer climate.
After dinner, Becca went upstairs to pack her bag while Freen washed the dishes and made the most of her time left with Nun.
There was already a tangible sadness in the air, the impending goodbye between mother and daughter casting a pall over their last night together, and by the time they went to bed, there was a certain grimness to everyone's demeanours, knowing that there would be goodbyes in the morning.
Still, Becca was too exhausted to dwell in her sadness for Freen after her relatively sleepless night before, and nestled up against Freen's back, she fell asleep quickly.
It wasn't a peaceful sleep, even though she didn't wake until past eight, her head foggy and eyes thick with sleep as she stretched her aching muscles and sprawled out in the empty bed.
She could hear the clattering of breakfast being made in the kitchen and lay in bed as swathes of weak yellow sunlight filtered in through the curtains, the sound of muffled voices leaving her unwilling to intrude on the final slices of family life the Sarocha would be afforded for months.
Eventually, she dragged herself out though, at the light tapping on the door and the gentle, curious brown eyes peering through a crack in the door before it was pushed open wider.
"Good morning," Freen smiled, slipping inside and holding a steaming cup of coffee aloft.
"Morning," Becca murmured, pushing herself up. "Are you alright?"
Shrugging noncommittally as she crossed over to the bed and sank down onto the edge of the mattress, trying not to spill the coffee as it jostled, Freen smiled thinly.
"Sure. We've still got a whole week of fun back home, so..."
"Yeah. You'll miss her though."
"Yeah. I will."
"What time is it now?"
"Eight-thirty. Still a while before we have to leave."
She extended the coffee and Becca took the cup from here, taking a sip and rubbing at her eyes as she hunched forward. "We could stay, you know."
Freen let out a quiet huff of laughter. "Yeah?"
Looking up as she raked her dark hair out of her face, Becca's eyes creased with a smile. "Mhm. I'll buy us a house, we'll get your name changed and fake your death so you don't get court martialed. We could live in the woods and visit Nun at night for dinner."
"Somehow, I feel like you could make that happen. What would my name be?"
"Linda Lee. You'd start a career as a wildlife photographer. Dye your hair black, get bangs. Maybe adopt a Russian accent."
"You've given this a lot of thought."
"I've thought of a hundred ways to make you stay," Becca murmured as a spasm crossed her face.
Shifting closer, Freen reached out and cupped her face with a rough palm. "Don't. We've still got time - don't think about it yet."
Smiling thinly, Becca nodded and drank her coffee before throwing back the covers and climbing to her feet.
They went about stripping the sheets and airing out the room, the salt breeze chasing away the warmth as it ballooned out the curtains and made Becca shiver from the cold. Their packed bags were placed near the door and Becca showered quickly and dressed before heading downstairs.
It was quiet, Mind and Nam absent from the kitchen and living room as Becca wandered through the house, finding Athena missing as well.
"I'm going to sit on the porch with Nun," Freen murmured, her hand brushing along Becca's back in a lingering warmth before she moved towards the back door.
Leaving them to spend time together before they left, Becca made herself toast and smeared avocado over it before refilling her coffee cup and sitting at the kitchen table.
She read the local newspaper as she slowly ate, the morning seeming to slip through her fingers, until lunch was almost upon her and she'd barely moved, save to fetch more coffee.
The screen door squeaked open then, footsteps tramping inside and voices minging while the sound of a dog panting grew louder, until a damp German Shepherd was at her feet, reeking of brine and her fur in tufted, wet spikes. Becca smiled fondly and fed Athena the crusts of her long-cold toast as Nam stepped inside, making for the coffee pot.
"Sorry, she went after a seagull. Probably not ideal right before a flight."
Waving a hand dismissively, Becca snorted, "don't worry about it; she'll be cooped in my house from now on. She deserves a last good run for a while."
"You're all packed?"
"Mhm. You?"
"Of course," Nam said with a small smile, filling a cup with coffee and dragging out a chair.
"Right. Of course, Sergeant," Becca saluted.
Nam kicked her foot and rolled her eyes, protesting when Mind walked in a minute later and stole her coffee, draining half of it and then kissing her girlfriend on the head.
Freen lingered in the doorway, watching them all for a moment with a misty-eyed look of longing, soaking up the sight of everyone in one place for the last time in months as Nun roughly dried Athena off with a towel and Becca smiled up at Mind and Nam, amused by their antics as her coffee grew cold in hand.
The spell seemed to snap a few minutes later with the sudden urgency of their departure rolling around.
The car would be there soon to take them to the airstrip and Mind was still only half-packed, Freen was still being plied with things Nun gave her to take with her - preserved foods and extra sunscreen - while Athena was taking up space in the kitchen as she wound through legs, damp tail thumping against the table or counters as she blocked paths and sought affection.
Shortly after, the sound of tyres crunching gravel announced the arrival of their driver, and it was enough to force a lump into Freen's throat as her stomach swooped.
Everyone was quick to fetch their bags and bring them outside, while Freen dragged her feet inside, prolonging the inevitable.
Pity wrenched Becca's heart and made her own throat constrict, each pass by Freen leading her to graze her shoulder with her fingers or gently squeeze her arm, and it was hard to say goodbye to Nun, knowing that she would be saying goodbye to Freen soon.
For privacy, Becca waited in the car, but watched through the tinted windows as Nun wrapped her youngest in a tight hug, clinging to her for a long minute, and Becca didn't have to see their hidden faces to know they were both crying.
Mind sat in the passenger seat, which left room for Freen to slide in beside Becca in the back, her lashes spiky with tears and her brown eyes bright and bloodshot as she tried to flippantly wipe her cheek. Becca squeezed her knee and kissed her shoulder as the driver put the car into gear and reversed down the sloping driveway.
The flight back to National City felt like it dragged, the sun sinking low on the horizon until they descended through the clouds into a lavender sunset.
The air was warmer as they disembarked and made their way into the waiting car, and Becca felt exhausted as she leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes, Freen's hand in hers and the urge to sleep building behind her eyes. They dropped Mind and Nam off first before they went home to the townhouse.
It was dark when they pulled up outside, and Becca switched the lights on as she walked through the ground floor, the driver bringing their luggage as Athena bounded up the front steps and made straight for her food bowl. Becca smiled and went to feed her, scratching her at the base of her neck as she looked up at Freen.
"Someone's pleased to be home."
"Mm, me," Freen murmured, stretching her arms out wide as her face crumpled. Her shoulders went slack as her hands fell to her sides and she walked over to Becca, cradling her waist as Becca lazily looped her arms around her neck. "Dinner?"
"Let's order in."
They ordered pizza and changed into pajamas before nestling up in bed with Becca's laptop playing some TV show Freen picked on Netflix, Freen groaning at how comfortable the mattress was as she burrowed under the blankets and ate her chicken supreme with slow relish.
They finished the episode and Freen closed the laptop before turning onto her side to face Becca, a tired smile creasing her face as her eyelids slid closed.
"It's good to be home," Freen whispered.
"Does that mean you still want to move in?"
It was said teasingly as she reached out and trailed her fingertips down Freen's arm, but Becca was still somewhat nervous to voice that small doubt at the back of her mind.
Still, Freen smiled and hummed as her arm draped over Becca's waist and her fingers splayed across her back.
"Yes. Why?"
Becca swallowed thickly and closed her eyes as she basked in the feeling of Freen's fingers running over the ridges of her spine through the cotton of her shirt.
"I know what it's like to be lost and lonely and sometimes I think... it's too good to be true. I never really felt what it was like to have someone until I met you, and you asked me all these questions about what I liked and what I hated, and I don't know. It just felt like you really wanted to know. And since then... I haven't liked the idea of living alone, so..."
Freen's reply was slow to come, but Becca felt a wave of calmness wash over her, her vulnerabilities seeming a trifling thing when voiced aloud to someone so solid and present that she could never imagine her leaving.
So casual was their affection as they dwelled in the moment of silence, so comfortable were their bodies and souls next to each other that there could be no rejection, no discomfort with being honest.
"I don't... I don't think I knew I was lonely until I met you," Freen slowly confessed.
"At home, after my parents died and my life fell apart, I just wanted everything to be okay. I wanted to be exactly what Nun needed, and exactly the type of sister Mind wanted, and at school, I wanted to be the perfect student, so I tried to be calm and responsible and steady and- and happy , and I think I was nineteen years old the first time it occurred to me that maybe that wasn't how some people lived. That maybe I just was someone, beyond who I tried to be. Enlisting was probably the first moment I ever made a decision that my family didn't approve of, a career choice that just... it was stupid , but I thought I wouldn't feel so alone if I chose to do something where I was always travelling and surrounded by people."
She trailed off and swallowed audibly in the quietness of the room, and Becca stared at her with intense green eyes, taking in the way the golden lamplight fell across Freen's face, how her lips parted as she drew in a faintly ragged breath.
And then a smile twitched the corners of her mouth and her face softened as she exhaled slowly. "And then I met you and I haven't liked the idea of being alone since then either. But I just- I can't... I'm sorry."
She was crying now; she covered her mouth with a hand and tried to press her lips together to stifle the sound, but the sobs couldn't be kept in.
Panic knifed through Becca as she pushed herself up, eyes widening as her lips parted and she reached for Freen, gently pulling her arm to get her to come to her.
Tears pricked her own eyes as she felt her throat painfully constrict as Freen turned away from her, curling in as she dug the heels of her palms into her eyes.
"I'm sorry," came her muffled words, "I just- I can't do it anymore."
Becca's outstretched hand flinched back as her face went slack with shock, her heart squeezing tightly in her chest as she struggled to draw in a shallow breath.
The blood seemed to drain from her face and her stomach swooped as she grabbed a fistful of Freen's shirt, her voice low and pleading as she blinked rapidly, the building urge to cry threatening to overwhelm her.
"Don't say that," she whispered, anguish making her voice crack. "You don't mean that."
"What- I- not you."
Shifting up, hands falling away from tearful brown eyes and blotchy cheeks, Freen stared at her with panicked confusion, reaching out to grab her hand, golden tan against porcelain as she wound their fingers together.
"God, never you, Becca," Freen fiercely whispered, touching their foreheads together as she let out a ragged sob. "You are... the only thing that makes me happy right now. I just- I've been holding it together for so long now and I'm just... confused. I can't pretend to be happy anymore because it just feels like- I'm exhausted. I'm just so tired all the time."
"Hey, hey," Becca murmured, wiping away Freen's tears and brushing her hair out of her face, "it's okay, you don't have to pretend around me. Not ever. I've got you, okay? You don't have to keep it together."
Sharply exhaling, Freen leaned her head on Becca's shoulder, her shoulders shaking as Becca's arms came up to wrap her arms around her, holding her close as tears spilled down her own cheeks.
"I don't want to do this to you. It's not fair. I don't want to go back."
"Sh, it's okay. You have to; just for a little while, and then this will all be over."
"I don't want to upset you. You don't deserve this; I'm sorry for making you cry all the time, I just--"
Becca clicked her tongue and frowned slightly as she kissed the side of Freen's head, enveloping her in her arms as she rocked them slightly.
"Look, we'll be alright. Don't worry about me; I can handle it. I just- I want to help you. Talk to me and I'll listen, and I'll take care of you, okay? I love you. I don't say it out of habit, I say it to remind you that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Just... tell me what to do to help."
"Can you just... hold me. I want you to hold me."
Her voice was weary and hoarse and Freen pulled back to give her an uncertain look. Taking her face in her hands, Becca kissed her brow, her cheeks, the side of her mouth, firm yet gentle, before she shifted on the bed, bringing Freen with her.
They clung to each other on the bed, emotionally drained as they soaked up each other's presence, a tangle of legs and blanket, with Becca's chest pressed against Freen's back. Her palm was over Freen's chest, and her hand on top, and Becca could feel the steady beat of her heart as they lay quietly for a long while.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Becca eventually asked.
"I don't even know what to say," Freen murmured, resigned and tired. "I just don't want to leave you again. I don't want to go; I don't want to go back there. I never want to go back, I never want to leave the people I love, but this time... I have someone who I'm in love with. It hurts; it hurts more than I thought it would, being over there without you. I don't want to do it again. I've been trying to stay positive, I've been trying to think about how it'll all be over in a few months, but I'm so tired. Being home... it's made it harder than ever."
"I'm sorry, I don't know how to make it easier for you. I feel... useless . I don't know what to tell you, but I understand some of it, and I know it's hard. You don't have to do it alone, my love."
"I know, but I just- I'm so used to being the happy one, the optimistic one. I'm afraid that if- if I'm not... then I won't be myself. I don't know what else to be, I don't know what else people expect from me."
"You. Just be you. It's okay to change, you don't always have to be the Same person. I love you for you. I've seen you after rough days, I've watched you cry through a computer screen and it's killed me to not be there to hold you, but I never once loved you any less for being upset," Becca told her. "You have people who love you no matter what. We can help you, you don't have to keep things to yourself."
"I know," Freen sighed. "I should've known that I could talk to you about it – and Mind. Everyone just has so much going on, you all have your own lives, and I feel like everything over there is so out of touch with things here. It's two separate worlds."
"I won't pretend to understand what it's like, but I know that you mean the world to me and your family. Nothing you have to tell us is unimportant; I want to hear everything, the good and the bad," Becca told her.
"Okay."
Becca kissed her shoulder and squeezed her gently, an ache of worry in her chest as she blinked back tears, her heart a little bit broken from Freen's sudden breakdown. "Just talk to me."
Humming deep at the back of her throat, Freen pressed her back up against her and raised their entwined hands to press a kiss to Becca's knuckles.
"Did you really think I was about to break up with you?"
Cheeks turning faintly pink, Becca sighed softly, "yeah. Yeah, I did. Out of left-field, obviously, but... everyone's always leaving so I just- but... it would be nice if you stayed."
"My sweet Becca," Freen whispered, "I'll never leave you. I promise."
They stayed curled up against each other like that until they drifted off to sleep, the lamp still on, empty pizza boxes at the foot of the bed and the curtains wide open. They woke up still cuddled close together, Becca's arms still wrapped around Freen's wiry body in the warmth of the bed.
They had no commitments for the day and stayed in bed late, the quiet house shifting around them and the sound of traffic outside and the rustling magnolia trees a gentle backdrop to the morning.
Eventually, Becca rose to make them breakfast, bacon frying in the pan and eggs poaching while they listened to Beirut, sunshine saturating the kitchen as they danced and laughed, memories of the night before chased away by the way they looked at each other with so much love that they could still feel it every time they looked away.
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Disclaimer: Story is not mine, I only adapted it to FreenBecky Fanfic because I love this piece and I love FB. I want to see them portray the characters in this story.