A/N: I really felt like writing some angst with Gojo. Also I'm feeling kinda shitty, so I needed something to cope with it. I'm not suicidal specifically, but it keeps kinda flashing in my mind as a "you could do that though" if that makes sense. I started writing this like 3 months ago, but I didn't finish it then, so I'm writing it now
Warnings: Self-harm, blood and suicide attempt-ish
You were just laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. You had no clue how long you'd been laying there. It might have been minutes, or it might have been hours, you had no idea.
You didn't feel anything, you were just numb, maybe not even numb, every emotion just felt the same. It was like all the colors were gone.
You stretched your hand towards the ceiling. You were wearing a t-shirt, so you could clearly see the scars that covered your wrist. There were no fresh ones, hadn't been in a while, but the urge was still there, the urge to rip your skin open and let your life bleed out of you.
And why wouldn't you? There wasn't anything here for you. Gojo would be fine without you, he was the strongest, after all. He would probably even be better off.
"It's decided then" you muttered while getting up from the floor.
You tried writing a note, and even though the idea of ending your life made so much sense in your head, you couldn't figure out a way to explain it on paper. The only words you managed to put down were "Forgive me, Satoru. I hope you don't curse me too much". A few tears fell on the paper, smudging the ink.
You went to draw yourself a warm bath, before rummaging through the drawers under the sink to find a razor blade. You threw off your sweatpants and climbed into the tub in your underwear and a big t-shirt.
You exhaled deeply, before looking up at the ceiling. Were you really going to do this? Were you ready to leave yet?
That's when you heard the bathroom door open. You quickly submerged the razor blade and hid it under your thigh before Gojo saw it. You managed to cut yourself in the process. How did you not hear him come into the apartment?
"Whatcha doing in the tub with your clothes on?" he smirked from the doorway, not yet putting the situation together.
He was just standing there, looking like his normal dashing self. He took off his blindfold, like he always did when he came home to you.
"I fell in" you lied.
Gojo took a step closer, chuckling, about to say something, when he noticed the blood in the water. The smile died on his lips as he realized what was going on. He knelt down next to the tub and grabbed both your hands, checking your wrists.
He sighed in relief as he realized you hadn't done anything yet. Then where was the blood coming from?
You saw the panicked look in his eyes as he still held your hands in his while looking for the source of the blood.
"I nicked myself-myself when trying to hide the razor blade" you hiccuped, tears welling up in your eyes.
"Oh doll" Gojo said softly, before pulling you up with him as he stood up.
He took your shirt off you and grabbed a big, fluffy towel, wrapping it around you.
"I need you to talk to me, and I think you need that too" Gojo said as he stood in front of you.
There was something different about the way he looked at you. Anger you would have recognized, but this wasn't it. Fear? Was it really fear you saw in his eyes?
"Satoru?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay? You look kind of scared" you noted.
"First of all, I think I should be asking you that. Secondly, I think my fear is pretty justified when I find the person I love sitting in a bathtub filled with water, ready to open their wrists"
"Well that sounds a bit gruesome" you muttered.
"Am I wrong?" Gojo asked, tilting his head to the side.
There was a moment of silence between you, before you spoke a simple, quiet: "No"
You couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Once you said it out loud, admitted what you were going to do, it was like a dam broke. You just started sobbing uncontrollably.
"It's okay doll, it's okay" Gojo assured as he picked you up and carried you out of the bathroom.
You were still wrapped in the towel and holding onto Gojo's jacket for dear life. You didn't even remember what had originally gotten you so upset that you would resort to what you had attempted to do.
Gojo had been through this with you before. The last time this happened, it was with you trying to overdose on your medication. It was one of the few times in his life he had been absolutely terrified. Seeing you laying there unconscious, with an empty pill bottle next to you, had been one of the most horrific moments of his entire life.
Now it was happening all over again, but this time he had been on time. This time he had gotten to you before you'd done anything stupid, this time he'd managed it. After Suguru left, Gojo had sworn he wouldn't lose anyone else like that. He wouldn't let anyone else disappear into the shadows again.
Gojo sat down on the bed, still holding you in his arms.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-so sorry" you kept blubbering while burying your face to his chest.
"Hey, hey, it's okay" Gojo said, grabbing your hand and attempting to ground you through his touch. "Just breathe"
After your breathing and crying calmed down, you looked up at him with tearful eyes.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened" you muttered, trying to get up from his lap.
"Nu-uh, you're not going anywhere till we talk" he pulled you back.
"What am I even supposed to say?"
"Just something, I don't want you to be alone with this. You know I won't leave you alone before I get a satisfactory explanation" he half joked.
Gojo just wanted to hear you say that you'd be okay. He just wanted to hear you say this was just a fluke, and it wouldn't happen again. At the same time, he knew you couldn't promise that. That you wouldn't just magically start getting better, because you or he wanted you to.
"I don't know what happened. It just seemed like the right choice, but the second I saw you, I was like "What the fuck am I doing?" and it didn't feel like it made any sense anymore"
You kept staring at your hands while leaning the side of your head against his chest. What you said was true. Seeing him had made you change your mind in the end. You could have tried to reach for the razor again, even though it would have been futile with him in the same room. He would have stopped you, no doubt about that, and besides you didn't want him to see you do that to yourself. The act itself was way different from just seeing the aftermath.
"Well, I'm glad I have that effect on you, but that doesn't really give me much insight to your mental state right now"
"I guess it doesn't, but I don't really know what else to tell you" you sighed.
You just sat there in silence, Gojo embracing you and you leaning against his chest. You didn't know what to tell him. Even if you managed to formulate something that would make sense to you, it would probably just sound crazy to him. It was so hard to put any of it into words, let alone in a way someone else would understand.
"I don't know what's going on in that pretty head of yours, but I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I'm not better off without you, and neither is anyone else you know" Gojo said suddenly.
"Thank you" you said after a while more of silence, looking up at him.
"What for?" he asked as he met your gaze.
"I guess I just appreciate the reminder at times like these"
"I'll remind you for the rest of our lives, if you'll let me" he smiled softly.
You placed a hand on the side of Gojo's face and caressed his cheek with your thumb.
"I'd like that"
Maybe one day you'd love life as much as you loved him, maybe that day was worth waiting for.