SeanTheFish: I wanna drown him.
MagicAiden69: I wanna burn him alive.
JieJieOnThatBeat: lol calm tf down
JieJieOnThatBeat: my wif's acting up i cant send gifs damnit
HaskinsJeric: Rose, I hope you're okay.
MagicAiden69: She's obviously not.
MagicAiden69: I hope you ate the cookies I sent RosesAreRedYourBallsAreBlue
SeanTheFish: Your username is inconveniently long, mi rosa.
HaskinsJeric: We're here for you, Rose.
HaskinsJeric: My house is literally five minutes away from Camillo's. I can jump his ass lolol
SeanTheFish: Don't mention the name.
MagicAiden69: If it weren't for the baby, I would've ran him over with a car.
JieJieOnThatBeat: dont mention the baby ssob.
JieJieOnThatBeat: i wanna cut nick's dick off
JieJieOnThatBeat: it's prolly not that big lmfao snip snip
MagicAiden69: It must be if Rose chose it over Sean's.
JieJieOnThatBeat: sksksksksk
SeanTheFish: Fight me MagicAiden69
MagicAiden69: Brb. Making lunch.
HaskinsJeric: Can I come over for lunch MagicAiden69?
MagicAiden69: Sure
JieJieOnThatBeat: me too :<
MagicAiden69: Everyone's welcome.
MagicAiden69: You too, RosesAreRedYourBallsAreBlue. I know you're reading this.
MagicAiden69: We love you.
I turned my phone off and tossed it to the side. Sleep came at three in the morning and left unbidden at five—that's two hours of sleep. It's now twelve in the afternoon and like the previous days, I feel like shit.
Shit, despite its versatility, was not enough of a word to describe whatever the hell that's got a hold of me.
Charlotte was sweet enough to bring me breakfast in bed. It was a stack of pancakes with a chocolate smile on top and came with a tiny note which held a list of things that got her through her previous breakups. It started off with 'eat a large stack of pancakes.'
Wyatt, on the other hand, checks up as often as he can. By checking up, I mean that he insists on hiring someone to beat the living soul out of 'my ex' multiple times a day. It's gotten so annoying that I might just say yes. I'm pretty sure the assassin would be Jared.
Jared. My driver has done his fair share of checking up on me as well. Wyatt tried asking me so much but I guess Jared's loyalty had transferred to me because he stood his ground and didn't reveal who my true 'ex' was. The man didn't have much errands since I was at home most of the time. He kept showing me photos of Ellie playing with the gifts I got her. Although cute, seeing a child just made me feel worse.
I wonder who the baby will look like: Bianca or Nick?
The general rehearsal for graduation was yesterday and it was a good thing that Mr. Camillo had matters to attend to with Mr. Ramsford because I sure as hell couldn't shake his hand and bow on the platform without tearing up.
My friends have been like angels. I was truly thankful that I found them and got to spend time with such humans even for a few short months. Even Leonel, who was on an ill-timed business trip, has been supportive as a friend. He's been sending me memes—a lot of memes, some I can't even relate to. Bottom line was that people were treating me as if someone I love had died.
Tomorrow is graduation and regardless of my internal situation, I want to enjoy the milestone. My dress for tomorrow wouldn't be seen under the toga but it's pretty for after the event. It was hanging by the TV.
Living by my name, its color is red. Like a rose.
I wouldn't say that Bianca's pregnancy hurts less when it's only been a week. In fact, at this point, it hurts more since I've had time to think about the what ifs.
As I lay in my overly large bed remembering the first time I had Nikolas on it, the pain came right away.
For the first few days, I tried not to think of Mr. Camillo and boy, did I fail terribly.
Then, after some time, I realized that I shouldn't push it away and instead let the pain pass because once it passes, I'll be okay. Right? Right, I hoped.
Not thinking of him would've been impossible anyway because quite literally, everything I saw reminded me of the man. I did not know what I signed up for until it's right in front of me. I said I was ready for the hurt. Guess who's the biggest clown of the year.
My bathroom reminded me of that one time we had sex in the shower so if you think that I've been crying while showering, then you're absolutely right.
Even bacon reminded me of him since I remembered him telling me that he loves the fatty parts as much as I did. Now I cry when I eat my favorite honey bacon.
The kitchen also slipped in memories of the night when he and I made dinner at his house. Now I can't look at a frying pan and not tear up. If I ever thought that I was a mess before, I'm surely a mess now.
I was tearing up again and it's all because the second thing in Char's list said 'Read a Nicholas Sparks novel.'
Nicholas. Nikolas. I rolled my eyes, wondering if all men named Nikolas, Nicholas or however you want to spell it, were heartbreakers.
I laughed at myself maniacally as I reached for the remote and opted for a comedy movie that might just make me smile even for a little bit. I surfed for a good film, but deep down I knew that not even Jim Carrey could brighten my mood.
"You are Rosaleen Martin and you don't need a man," I muttered in front of the mirror. My long black hair was up in a messy bun and I started debating on whether or not I should get a haircut.
Maybe I should dye it.
I have never tried dyeing my hair, but I've always been curious with how I'd look with pastel colors on my head. I debated on it, I really did. I let my hair down, noticing how it fell like soft black waves down to my waist. I can't even remember the last time I got it trimmed.
Since I'm blabbering about change, this might be a nice time to bring up that I've always wanted a tattoo.
Do I really want to change my appearance or is this the post-heartbreak syndrome that everyone's talking about?As I combed my fingers through my hair, there was a knock on the door. On my bare feet, I traveled to open it, revealing Charlotte with a paper bag.
"Char? I thought you were at work," I said as I let the woman in.
"I was, but then Wyatt wanted me to bring this to you. He said it's your favorite," and he's right because in Charlotte's hands was a bag from one of my favorite restaurants.
"Thanks," I smiled shyly and let Charlotte unpack the food. Then, I faced my vanity again.
"Char," I began as I ruffled my hair, "Should I get a haircut?"
There was a pregnant moment before Charlotte answered. "Oh, honey, no," her voice sounded apologetic, as if changing my look was a punishment. She stood beside me and we looked at each other in the mirror, "You don't have to change yourself for anyone. Next thing you know, you'll be wanting a tattoo."
Oh. "But I do really wanna get a haircut," I said to the woman. And a tattoo. I think. Something simple and elegant on my underboob or the back of my ear.
"Trust me. You don't," she pulled my hair to the back, running her feminine fingers down the tresses, "Been there, done that."
We were quiet again as I stared at myself in the mirror. I stared so long that I thought my reflection would morph into another person. It was Charlotte's voice that brought me back.
"How are you?"
"Better," was my lie of an answer.
"You have time to move on so take it. Take it slow, love."
Love. That's what Bianca and Nikolas call each other. Fuck me.
I sighed sharply, knocking the wind out of myself. "I think I'm ready to eat," was my line as I made my way to a console table where Char had prepared the food.
As I nibbled on a buttery steak, my mind drifted to the man whose name I should not mention. I was able to clearly imagine him with a tiny version of himself in his large arms. If I may say, it'd be the most adorable sight on Earth. I can see it: him with a precious being in his arms and even though he said that he didn't want a child, I'm sure that the little thing will snag his heart the moment it opens its honey-brown eyes.
But then the child in my head suddenly had red hair resembling its mother's and despite having my favorite gourmet meal me in front of me, I quickly lost my appetite.
"Rose, you have guests," Charlotte's voice was muffled from the other side of the door.
I dragged myself into the hallway and down the stairs, hoping that my guests wouldn't mind me being clothed in only cotton underwear and a large shirt that reached my thighs. Behold, Daniella and Viktor stood in the middle of the living room with a... a pair of garden scissors?
"Hand pruners?" I asked, brows raised and hands on my hips. Should I expect another lets-kill-the-man-whose-name-I-shall-not-say?
With a scowl on his face, Viktor exclaimed, "We're cutting Ni—"
"Nathan's dick off," Dani was quick to save, realizing that Charlotte was just meters away from them.
"Nathan?" repeated the older woman, "So that's his name?" she look at me for confirmation.
"Yes," Viktor smiled, "His name's Nathan," my friend snipped at thin air.
"And we're out to get him," added Dani.
"In that case..." Charlotte flipped her hair over her shoulder, "Let me get a cleaver."
If I were Nathan, I'd be dead scared.
-
Quentin Bailey aka Quincy stood to his full height with his frame modeling a navy blue toga with a golden sash around the shoulders. His hair was slicked back in a formal do appropriate for the occasion and over it was a navy blue graduation cap.
His smile was wide and bright. He might even have the brightest one in the room. If I'd been assigned to speak the valedictory address, I know I would.
Quincy's speech had his close group of friends emotional. Others like me? not so much. However, I did find his address pleasant. This was followed by the testimonies and other boring shit like the keynote message. The speaker was a former student at GA who is now a surgeon that owns two private hospitals in the state. It wasn't just skills that got her there, it was money and opportunity and I didn't find it as inspiring as they thought we would.
Nathan sat near the stage the whole time and I'd be fooling no one if I said I hadn't glanced at him more times than permitted. To my aching heart's pain, my gesture was reciprocated. I only caught his brown eyes on me once, but I felt them all the time.
My day started off relatively better than the previous ones and that's because I had a big fat cheesecake for breakfast.
Family friends and old friends sent their regards on my phone and I busied myself answering each and every one. After that, I got ready, occupying myself with makeup. Once we got to the venue, my friends and I took pictures. The inevitable moment of shaking hands with Nathan was pushed to the back of my mind.
Until now.
With a last name starting with M, I was somewhere in the middle of the arrangement. When the students with names starting with A lined up, my heart went livid.
I watched as more and more rows finished with the awarding. When Sean Caron was called, someone yelled 'Daddy' which got my attention for a while.
On the other side of the room was Wyatt who gave me a smile and a thumbs up when I caught his eye. It wasn't long before Jeric was called too. When the students on either side of me stood up, I got to my feet. When my row walked to the side of the stage, my lungs felt swollen.
Just get your damn diploma and be out of there.
I took the minutes waiting in line to recompose myself. This is a happy day and you deserve to be happy, Rose. I stepped forward in the line. Don't let a dick ruin your triumph.
Another step. Don't look into his eyes.
And another. Shake his hand and sanitize later.
Another one. This is for you and for your brother.
My name sounded foreign to my ears.
With a heave of my chest, I flashed the brightest smile I could muster. I walked the stage with my chin held high, the remains of my dignity temporarily multiplied.
The recognition I worked years for felt light in my grasp. I shook hands with the other admins on stage, the smile on my face feeling natural.
Nathan was the last to congratulate me.
His navy blue suit looked dazzling and even though I didn't want it to, my heart wept. Nevertheless, my smile remained.
"Congratulation, Ms. Martin," he smiled softly and its sincerity made my heart ache because it showed that he's happy for me. Why did I have to fall for such an irresistible jerk?
"Thank you, Mr. Camillo," I managed to say. He offered his right hand and I took it in mine. Then, we shook firmly. I ignored the way my skin ignited from his touch, instead pulling away and smiling for the picture. Once that was done, I bowed and left the stage.
"Holy fuck," were the first words I muttered as a high school graduate. Holy fuck because I now have my diploma and have to suffer through more years of learning. Holy fuck because for the minute I was on stage, I felt like the old, bold Rose but with a heart. Holy fuck because I talked to Nathan again.
I went back to my seat and my mind started wandering all over the place. The feel of his hand in mine still lingered and I was doing my best to ignore it.
But since I keep thinking about it, I'm obviously doing a shitty job.
The program went on for an hour more.
Once it was over, the first thing I did was take my toga off because that thing was hot. After returning the garment, I went straight to my brother and his girlfriend. They engulfed me in a hug which felt magnificent, really.
"Congratulations, Rose," Charlotte's voice was like a squeal and I appreciated that she shares my joy.
"Congrats, kid," said Wyatt as he pecked my forehead, "You did it."
"Thanks," I told them. I wasn't a hundred percent okay, but the smile on my face for seeing Wyatt proud didn't want to leave. I did it. I'm done with this place.
"Where's the celebration?" I asked, knowing that he planned a peaceful dinner in advance.
"I actually have something to tell you," my brother began. I was going to ask what it was when Mr. Camillo's voice rang from behind me. In an instant, an anchor fell to my stomach.
"Congratulations, Mr. Martin," the deep voice spoke. I could feel him behind me. He wasn't too close and he wasn't too far. It bothered me that I knew exactly where he stood without even seeing.
I saw Nikolas's arm extend past my side as he offered a handshake to Wyatt. I was conscious of every little move he made. He also shook Char's hand. Then, he congratulated me again.
"Congrats again, Rosaleen."
I faced him and offered a smile, a polite one. Before I could let my eyes linger around his face and have a breakdown in the middle of a room full of GA alumni, I turned to my brother again.
"Let's take pictures?" Wyatt offered, his single-dad side getting the best of him.
"Great idea," Nick spoke kindly.
No. Péssima ideia.
Charlotte held up the camera that hung from her neck. A desolate sigh escaped my lips and only Nikolas understood the meaning behind it. I awkwardly shifted next to Mr. Camillo. I didn't miss how Nikolas's hand hesitated to touch my back, in the end deciding not to.
"Say cheese," was Wyatt's corny comment. I smiled.
The click of the camera went off and distance was put in between us again.
"I'Il go greet the other students," Nathan told me. "Congratulations again, Rose," the man said for the third time already.
I watched as he walked away, a figure in dark blue blending into the crowd.
"What were you going to say?" I questioned my brother.
"Promise me you won't get mad," he said, planting a hand on my shoulder. "Someone's joining us for dinner."
"Who?" brows knitted, I tried to think of who it might be.
"You won't get mad?" he asked again.
"Yeah," I mumbled, "Who?"
Wyatt pursed his lips and looked around, looking for a specific person. "Dad," he told me.
"Dad's here?" my voice came as a stage-whisper.
"Are you angry?" asked my brother with a concerned look on his face. "He wasn't sure if he'd make it, but I just got a call earlier saying that they've landed. The man didn't want me to tell you."
I thought we've been over this?
"Only him?" because I don't have enough energy to deal with a step-family right now.
"Only him," Wyatt confirmed. I don't really know what to feel. A part of me was kind of flattered that the man went out of his way to be here and another part of me was dubious because William Martin wouldn't do this if there aren't personal intentions involved.
"Are you sure you're not angry?" my brother asked again.
"I'm fine," I reassured. "Do you know why he's here?" was my next question.
"To celebrate your graduation," Wyatt gnawed on his lower lip, "What else?"
"You know him, Wyatt," I crossed my arms in front of my chest, "He doesn't do this good father shit."
My brother only shrugged, "Maybe he's changing."
"You have too much faith in our parents," I scoffed and shook my head. "Where's William?"
Wyatt fished for the phone in his pocket, unlocking it and reading a message. "He's right outside."
-
The older my brother gets, the more he's starting to look like William.
Seated at the head of the table was the fifty-five-year-old man who made me roughly eighteen years in the past. Across me was my brother who I just realized resembles dad much more than I thought. Wyatt's cheekbones were catching up but it suited him. Since when did my brother look so matured?
Beside him was Charlotte looking as charming and confident as ever despite the pressure that comes with having dinner with her boyfriend's father.
"The food is delicious," William spoke before bringing a spoonful of creamy salmon into his mouth. His posture was so straight that I'm starting to wonder if he traded his spine for an iron rod.
"That's true," said Charlotte, taking her glass to her lips and sipping white wine.
We were at a five-star restaurant's private lounge because William Martin doesn't like the sound of chattering. An intricate chandelier hung above a table full of food that lets you experience heaven in your taste buds. The Burgundy wine felt exquisite down my throat, as if the liquid was holy and wanted to rid me of all the dirty things that'd ever slipped my lips.
"I've eaten here before," dad began, "This is where your mother and I had our second date," he smiled tightly at me.
I didn't know how to respond to that so I only continued chewing.
"How about you, Wyatt?" dad began again, "Where did you bring Charlotte on your first date?"
That sparked a bit of my curiosity. Wyatt never mentioned when they had their first date or where. Wyatt and Charlotte exchanged knowing looks. "We went to a carnival."
William's brows shot up. A date doesn't have to be fancy, asshole.
"We enjoyed. A lot," Charlotte smiled at me and dad. I smiled back, letting her know that I found it cute.
"How about you, Rosaleen? Do you have a lover, perhaps?" William said after a sigh.
I felt the couple's gaze shoot through my face. "No," I answered, "I don't."
"That's fine, dear," said William, "Freedom feels nice. You won't have anyone tugging you down."
"Is that what happened with you and mom?" I asked casually, "You tugged each other down?"
I received a warning look from both Wyatt and William. They looked pretty much identical.
"Let's not bring up the past, yes?" spoke dad before putting his glass up to me and drinking.
"Why are you really here?" I asked him because I couldn't shake the feel that the man's here to collect a debt.
"I'm here for your graduation, Rosaleen," he put his utensils down and wiped his mouth with a table cloth, all the while displaying a significant amount of grace. "Believe it or not, I am proud of you."
I stared at my father and couldn't help myself from comparing him to Nikolas. They had the same choice. The only difference from me and my father's mistress was that I gave up my own joy for a child. That woman, on the other hand, took it all for herself.
"Fine," I muttered and went back to eating my meal silently.
"But I have an offer to make," said William. I rolled my eyes. There it is.
He took our silence as a signal to continue. "I want you to study in New York. It's a city full of great opportunities. You can work for me once you finish college, Rosaleen. I will give you a great position."
I felt my jaw clench. The man's getting old and his other children are too young. Was that it?
"Excuse me," I said with all the politeness I had left. My fork and knife were placed on the table before I stood up and walked to the divider of the lounge. I didn't go outside and instead headed to an open balcony.
I could see the sea in the distance again and it reminded of one night last week. It's only been a week. How do I survive months ahead?
The knife that Mr. Camillo plunged through my heart twisted as the memories came rushing in. They're so clear that I can't even pretend they're invisible. The cool chill of spring tickled my skin and I rubbed my arms for warmth.
My father's an ass, but he's right about one thing: New York has big plans for me—plans big enough to overshadow my past so that I can pretend nothing ever happened here.
Maybe that's what I need.
"Rosaleen," Wyatt's voice cut through the air the same way it cut through my thoughts. His faint footsteps were heard until he came to a stop beside me, hands lifted to rest on the balustrade.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," he said, pertaining to our father's visit.
"It's okay," I offered a reassuring smile which I hope served its purpose. The moon was beautiful like always, though tonight it was surrounded by a million stars speckled on the sky which spread out like a gradient canvas before us.
"I don't want you to leave, Rose," my brother started after a while. "If I can have it my way, I'd build a university right in our lawn so you wouldn't have to go."
"But?" because I felt a 'but' coming up.
"But he's right," he admitted. "I think you'll do better in that big city."
I faced my brother whose eyes were clouded with emotion. It seems that my chest was always finding a reason to hurt.
"I'll always visit, you know," Wyatt's voice was gentle. "I promise that I'll always check up on you. You better be great at hiding boys because I'll come to your apartment unexpected."
I laughed at that despite the tears building up in my eyes. My voice has been sounding foreign to my ears lately, Including now when I replied, "I'm scared."
Because I now know how vulnerability feels and I don't like it at all.
I was pulled into my brother's arms just before I the dam broke. "I believe in you, Rosaleen. You're a pain in the ass, New York better be ready for you."
To that I simply said, "I'll think about it."