Age 17
It has nearly been a year since Amara Roy asked me never to show my face again after I had kissed her and backed away from my promise and the kiss like a coward.
That's right.
I did not take responsibility.
I was, am and will always be an asshole who doesn't deserve her.
She is a clean canvas to my ripped canvas.
She is the sweetness I can't allow myself to have.
She is the dream I can't even see in my void black sleep.
She is the opposite to me.
She is everything I love.
And she is Amara Roy.
Amara Roy.
That makes her more than enough for me to love her.
That makes her more than enough to stay away from her.
And now I got it.
I got what I wanted right?
She no longer tried to talk to me.
She no longer tried to look at me with those beautiful almond eyes.
Since that day she looked at me only when I was looking away. And I purposely looked away just to feel the warmth of her gaze on my back.
I craved for any attention she gave me. Which grew lesser each and every day.
With every passing day she felt more distant from me and it pushed me back to my depression.
One pill didn't do.
I relapsed.
I hid another bottle of medicines. Cause I knew that Eva di kept a track of my pills.
The pills didn't do shit.
It didn't do anything.
So, I started cutting myself again.
That was the only way I felt better. Blood leaving my wretched body was what made me feel better. Being a step closer to ending my stupid life was what I wanted.
I knew that my life had no meaning. And I know I pushed Amara away.
But I crave her.
She is my only source of happiness.
She is my only reason to live.
"Don't ever show me your face again until you learn how to keep your promises."
That was the slap of words I needed.
That was the day I realised that Amara was not just kindness and softness embodied but also stubbornness of the 'Roys' flowed in her blood.
Cause she damn right acted like her ego maniac brother, Atharva.
She knew how to fill someone's life with light and every essence they needed to survive. But, if she thought she was done wrong. She would not stand by it.
And no one.
No one in this whole world would know how that felt apart from me.
Why?
Because I had face both sides of her.
Her trying to continuously talk to me for two to three years. Never giving up on me even when I stayed away. She stood by me. In a time when I didn't think I...
And now she turned her back to me.
She turned her back to me.
She looked away.
And I know it is all my fault but her ignorance was fatal.
.
.
I needed Amara to Function.
I needed Amara to Live.
I needed Amara to Love.
.
.
.
"Abhi..."
I look up from my laptop, the draft of my new book on the screen.
"Hmm Aman?" I asked looking at my friend who had just inhaled a shot of cocaine. And looks a me watching him and takes another shot.
And I don't know what to do. I don't know what is his purpose of always showing me this. When I have told him I will not try it.
"You don't want a shot bud?"
He asked a smile cracked up his face. His nose red from inhaling it. His hair tousled and eyes droopy.
"No." I said.
"It really helps you kill that pain in your heart Abhi. Trust me." He tells me his eyes wistful.
"I said no. Aman please understand this... I will never go against my principles to do something wrong. I will not do something that will hurt my family or the people who care about me. Do you get that." I sighed pinching my forehead in annoyance.
He keeps staring at me for a moment and then bursts into a fit of laughter.
"Abhimanyu Acharya. You really know how to rub off what you have." He says the pain flashing in his eyes raw and immeasurable.
"Aman. For the last fucking time. I do not rub off what I have. Why don't you understand this simple fact. Forget my family or loved ones. Listen I don't want to do drugs. That is enough of a reason not to. Get it?" I say packing my laptop and and things not wanting to stay in his presence any longer.
When he is not high... he will come around.
It's just the drugs.
I keep telling myself.
Why?
I really don't know.
It maybe because he makes me feel better about myself?
It maybe because he faces the same challenges with his father as me.
It maybe because he is probably the only one who knows everything to my fucked up life and didn't run away.
Maybe that is the reason I stay with him to the point that he feels like a brother.
I stand up turning to leave when I feel someone pounce on me from behind.
Fucking. Pounce. On. Me.
I feel myself turn rigid.
Not a single muscle in my body worked the way I wanted it to.
Being attacked from behind pushed my buttons.
It was my fear.
It was my misery.
"Wh..what are yo..you doing?" I asked.
My voice trembled.
"Making you feel happiness." He said.
His voice chilled every bone in my body.
"Aman... No. Snap out of it!"
I tried to reason with him.
"Abhi"
Before he could say another word I feel a hand brush forward and push him back.
Hard enough to make him fall on his ass.
And when I look ahead at the person who did it. I find a shade of brown eyes eerily similar to the ones I love. The same spark of golden in them.
But they were not as huge.
The face of an extremely handsome boy.
Extremely Prideful , Arrogant and Devilish.
The face with an inbuilt mocking smirk. And playfulness. An aura unlike any other. One which is utterly Royal.
Yes.
It was none other than mr. Heartthrob, Ego machine and my love's Fucking Elder brother.
Atharva Roy.
The. Atharva. Roy.
Except he wasn't smirking or smiling right now.
His eyes shone with...
Wrath?
"I believe this guy here said no. Why don't you go fuck your nose with some more crack and leave this guy alone?" Atharva looked at Aman like he was some sort of pest.
Aman looked up at Atharva trembling under his glare.
"I... I just." Aman tried to speak but it didn't seem as if he could do that right now.
"Were. Leaving. Right?" Atharva completed for him. Ordering him to fuck off.
Aman got up and scurried away.
.
.
"You didn't have to help me." I grudged. "He is my friend. I know how to handle him."
Atharva kept looking at me. His eyes were blank and so was his face. His hands casually in his pocket as he leaned his back against the wall.
"Abhimanyu." He spoke my name crisply.
"I didn't help you. I protected something that my love adores." He stated plainly. As if it was a fact.
"Your love?" I ask confused.
"You don't need to know what I am talking about." He said diverting his gaze towards the window. Looking down at...
Wait...
Eva di and Amara?
He was probably looking at Amara.
No way he was looking at Eva di.
They are literally Academic Rivals.
They hate each other beyond words can express.
"Ahmm. Ok."
I say not pressing on the matter any further. Tightening my grip on my shoulder bag. And divert my gaze before starting to walk away.
"Abhi." Atharva calls me. For the first time in years of us knowing each other like I was a friend of his own.
And it creeped me out.
Our Arguments suited me way more than this side of him.
"Try not to hang out much with that guy. He is no friend to you. His eyes don't reflect the same warmth of friendship as yours." He said as I still faced away from him.
"Oh?! You are some kind of friendship expert? Someone who is friends with Darsh, Aarush and that weird gang?" I asked.
My defence mechanism kicking in.
He sighed for a moment. Seeming exhausted.
"Not everything is what it looks like Abhi. There are friends made for show. And then there are friends who would give their life up for you. I have two of those. Aadvik and Ishani would take a bullet for me. And I would take one for them. That is Friendship. Amara would rather get hurt than let Evara feel pain. That is friendship. Krish would stand by your side even when you spend all your time with a scum bag like Aman. That is friendship."
And I am left speechless.
He had a point.
Was my friendship with Aman really friendship?
"You will regret this friendship one day Abhi. Stop this madness before it's too late." Atharva spoke with finality and brushed past me.
Leaving me to think.
Have anything I have ever done right?
(Unedited: Prone to typos and errors)