**I wrote this in 2022 shortly after becoming engaged to her. I never shared this with her because deep down I had the fear that she was going to disappear if I did ... And as the tears run down my face writing this and staring at the words I wrote, I guess part of me just knew she was going to disappear at some point regardless of if I showed her or not. What a quick change of heart.**
This is a letter that I hope never makes its way from this document as I write, but if I read this in the future and decide to share it, then that's a problem for future me:
The feeling of telling you "I love you" that first time in 2020 gave me so much anxiety and fear that I thought I was going to suffocate. You said "I love you too!" and it was like a mountain was taken off my chest. Still, even riding the high of our engagement and even our anniversary together (today), there is a deep-rooted fear inside.
A carnal - primitive fear. I know people get scared of the unknown, but for me I think it's that I fear all this happiness will mean nothing in the end. It's a fear that either your love will vanish, or someone will steal you away, or something will happen that will cause you to be pulled from my life.
I mean fuck, in September of 2021 we had a conversation about how you were scared to come here, and that you wanted to stay in Russia. That same conversation you said you also want to be with me, but that it's impossible if you keep living there, and that your head was filled with different thoughts all the time - jumping from one "theme" to another.
Even during that conversation, you said that even if moving to be with me would make you beyond scared and possibly unhappy that "we could always try, we never know how it might turn out".
Your words reinforced a fear that only grew inside me. I write this with a lump in my throat and tears at the edges of my eyes because deep down I'm terrified. Terrified this happiness will end. Terrified my future - our future - is going to disappear. Any time I mention it in passing - whether as a joke or even somewhat seriously, you always, ALWAYS ... reassured me. I don't know if you did it out of concern, or because you felt that way each time.
"I'm NOT leaving you, Christopher
I'm here for you no matter what
I love you" - December 2021
Then we met, we spent all our days together in the short time frame we had, and then we had to part ways. You accepted my proposal on 2/22/2022, and that made me beyond happy - just as I know it did for you.
So, why is it that I'm sitting here with my hands shaking? Why is it that I have this fear inside? I truly hope this scared feeling you have goes away and that you are able to take steps forward with me into the future, because you promised to be mine. You promised to stay by my side. You promised to spend your life with me ... I just really, really hope this fear stays a fear and goes away. I am still high on our meeting and engagement, but the fear. I have to fight to push it down so that you don't see it.
Because if that fear turns into reality ... what was the point? What was the point of meeting? What was the point of spending all that time together? What was the point of me proposing? What was the point in you accepting? What would have been the point in any of this?
Maybe these are just the ramblings of a man caught in his feelings for once in a long time, or maybe it's something more. I guess only time will tell. You never know what the future holds, right?
- Christopher
July 4, 2022 - 0257EST