The door to the other room opened and closed. Footsteps and hushed voices moved away towards the elevator. I stood up, ready to console Chan when he returned.
Seconds later, the door opened. I went to him, but he held up a hand for me to stay where I was. "Let me take a shower first." He turned to face Lee Know, "Can you stay with her for a few more minutes?"
He nodded and Chan disappeared into the bathroom without so much as another glance in my direction.
I paced back and forth feeling defeated already. He hadn't even let me try to make him feel better.
"It's normal," Lee Know told me when I clearly looked worried.
"How should I act?" I asked him. "What do you want Han to do when you're...done with that?"
"Everybody's different. Han just wants to be held until he falls asleep. Personally, I'm more like Chan. I want to wash it off right away and then pretend it didn't happen."
"He pretends it doesn't happen?" I wondered if I could play that off with him, or if my own feelings would get in the way.
"I don't know. Chan's never really let any of us be there for him afterward. I don't know how he'll be exactly. But Ella," he paused, "he'll be grateful that he's not alone. He trusts you."
I gave him a small smile and sat on the foot of the bed. The shower turned off, and Lee Know looked at the door. "I'm proud of you, for how you're handling it," he told me and headed out. It was the most sincere thing I'd ever heard him say.
The second the main door closed, the bathroom door opened as though Chan had pointedly waited for Lee Know to leave. "Ella," he called. I got up and saw his head sticking out of the door. "Can you bring me something to wear?" He didn't look upset at all as he spoke to me.
I nodded and rushed to grab clothes for him. It felt weird picking out his underwear, but I ignored that feeling and brought the items to him.
"Thank you." He closed the door again. I sat back down and waited. I heard the sink faucet turn on. I heard what sounded like a towel hit the floor. Finally, the door opened again, and I jumped up ready to be there for him, ready to help him manage whatever he was feeling. However, I hesitated to touch him. I didn't know how to act physically, or what he would or wouldn't be comfortable with right now. I waited for his guidance on what was okay.
He threw me a sleepy smile, "Come here."
I walked towards him, and he enveloped me in a thick, tight hug. "I'm sorry you had to hear that. I couldn't get out of it. I tried. I really did."
"It's okay," I told him. Lee Know's words echoed in my head. It's just work. It doesn't mean anything. "How are you?" I checked in.
"Exhausted," he flopped onto the bed and put his hands above his head. He was acting so normal that it was throwing me off.
"You seem...fine?" I cautiously evaluated as I sat beside where he'd laid down.
He took a deep breath. "I've been through more of these than the other guys. I'm numb to it now," he confided in me. "For a while, I was taking Jeongin's and Seungmin's because they were so young, but JYP found out."
"What did he do?" I sat straight back and kept my hands in my lap.
"I'll tell you if you stop treating me so weirdly." He sat up. "I'm not made of glass, Ella."
"I can see that," I told him. He leaned to kiss me, but I backed away on accident...out of an instinct that I didn't want to have because of what I had just heard.
"Please, don't," he begged.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," I confessed. Hearing him with her and having the imagination to visualize it had made me nauseated.
"It's just work," he repeated Lee Know's words from earlier.
"Did you have to be so good at it?" I complained, trying to lighten the mood. The sounds she had made replayed in my brain over and over.
"I wasn't," he revealed. "I actually did my worst work in that room."
"Really?"
"Really," he promised, "She was just trying to be... encouraging," he chuckled.
I laid down and nestled in beside him. I rested my head on his chest like I normally would have.
"I hated hearing it," I told him.
"I hated doing it."
"She was hot. I'm sure you didn't hate it that much," I heard my insecurities come out and wanted to push them back in right away.
"Ella," Chan lifted my face to meet his. "I hated it. The entire time I just wanted to be in here with you arguing over soup or whether cowgirl boots are really the best footwear."
He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. It turned a soft pink.
"I'm glad Lee Know kept you company," he said.
"Actually, Han showed up first. He told me that he knew what it would be like because he and Lee Know had to deal with it," I explained.
"He told you about them?" he seemed surprised, and I nodded. "Good for him."
I listened to Chan's heartbeat. Same as yesterday, it sped up as my finger trailed across his chest.
"Chan?"
"Yes?"
I took a deep breath.
"I want to tell you about the things I've been through. The things JYP told you about."
Chan sat up so that he could look at me more clearly. I moved my head to lay on his lap since his chest was no longer an option.
"Ella, you don't have to. I know JYP outed that, and you weren't ready."
"I think," I stuttered. "I think if we're going to move forward you have to know."
"Are you sure?" he asked. His thumb stroked my cheek gently.
"I'm sure," I paused. "Do you want to know? They're not exactly happy memories." The last thing I wanted was to make Chan feel uncomfortable or draw up bad memories of his own.
"I want to know everything about you. And if it's something that hurt you, I want to know so I can help you."
"Okay," I prepared to share everything. "Then the first thing you need to know is that I have three incidents to tell you about, not two."
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PSA:
Skip the next chapter if SA is a trigger for you!