[Trigger Warning- mentions of suicidal ideation and attempt, If you are struggling, my dm's are always open, i use to struggle horribly with it, so I understand. <3 not proof reading.
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PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING WITH DEPRESSION, I BEG OF YOU.
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Now for those of u who didn't listen to that cause i know i never did, read at own risk but stay safe <3 This is long so buckle ur fucking seatbelts.
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Every since i could remember i have struggled with depression. I thought once i had joined the Avengers perhaps it would have gotten better. I really thought helping people would help me feel better— i was foolish to think so. It's never gotten better and it never will.
Everyone has been lovely here. I'm just getting tired of faking my happiness. I have never told anyone about my depression and i don't intend to. Only Wanda knows because my thoughts can get a little loud sometimes and she accidentally heard it once a few days after i had gotten here. I wasn't aware she could hear that, until she came in to talk to me about it.
-FLASHBACK-
A knock on my door brought me out of my trance. I got up off my bed and headed towards the door, opening it revealed Wanda.
"Can i come in?" She asked.
"Um, yeah, sure."
"Do you want to close the door?"
"Sure."
"I want to talk to you about something." Wanda said causing my heart to race slightly, still unaware she could heard that.
"So you know i can move things with my mind and fly. Well i can do more than that, because the mind stone gave me my abilities, i have the ability control people, to read minds, and to hear peoples thoughts. I have gotten pretty good at blocking that out unless i'm on missions but sometimes peoples thoughts can be loud and manage to make their way through— like yours did earlier this afternoon. Now i just wanted to come and talk to you. You can't bullshit me and tell me everything's okay, nor can you lie because I literally heard what was going on inside your head. So please talk to me y/n."
"Okay, but please don't tell anyone." I pleaded.
"Okay, for now." Wanda agreed only so i'd open up.
-END OF FLASHBACK-
Wanda was who i always went to when i needed someone when i was mentally vulnerable. Nat, Wanda, Yelena, and Peter, were who i was closest with. I always hung around Nat and Wanda specifically. I went to Nat for most things but mental things i would go to Wanda cause she already knew everything and i was scared to let another person know what was going on.
As this year has gone on, i've gotten better at hiding my emotions. I've made sure my thoughts are quiet. I made Wanda promise that she wouldn't occasionally mentally intrude on my thoughts because she could listen from anywhere she wanted which did worry me a little. I can't stop mentally picturing dying and how everyone would react. Different scenarios and reactions. It's eating me up inside. It's almost funny, the worse my head gets, the more i try to counteract that when i'm with people.
I'm so done with everything. We did a mission recently and weren't able to save everyone. I couldn't help but cry for one reason being we weren't able to save everyone and the other being some sick part of me was a little jealous, i'm fully aware how unbelievably fucked up that sounds.
It's currently June 17th, and i have a stupid idea planned for tonight. I've felt completely empty for a while now but did my best to hid it. Tony decided that we'd have a movie night with pizza tonight. So I decided that would be a good time to do it.
Currently it's 1:47pm and i've just finished writing Nat, Wanda, Yelena, Peter, and Tony letters for some context and thanking them for always being here. I've set them in my desk drawer for now. Just as i closed the desk drawer i heard a knock on my door and the voice that belong to Nat, announce that it was her. I yelled that she could come in.
"Hey love, come hang out before the movie and pizza and watch me beat everyones ass in pool, you know you want to." She smiled.
"Sure." I smiled and got up following her. We headed towards the main living area. It was a large space with a large couch facing the way you walk in, a tv mounted to the wall, with a movie screen that lowered from the ceiling. Behind the couch was a pool table, and beside that was an air hockey table. Behind those were large windows overlooking the city from the hillside. To the right was the large kitchen. Tony loves space if you haven't figured that out.
Nat and i walked over to Wanda, Yelena, Peter, Tony, Steve, Sam, and Bruce around the pool table all yelling. I chuckled knowing i'd miss the moments like these.
"Who's ready to get their ass beat." Nat announced.
"Yeah right Widow." Steve said.
"Need i remind you about sparing earlier." She teased.
His smirk suddenly dropped and his finger was pointed towards Nat.
"Not funny." He said in a serious tone.
"Ha ha." Yelena laughed.
"I bet $1000 Romanoff kicks Rogers ass." Tony spoke up."
"I'll take that bet." Bruce said.
"I second that." Peter spoke.
"Oh me too!" Yelena chimed in.
"Hey! Way to have faith." Steve said a little hurt.
12 minutes later Steve-y boy lost.
45 MINUTES LATER
Tony was kicking Sam ass at pool while Peter and Wanda played air hockey. While watching Peter and Wanda i felt arms wrap around my shoulders from behind and immediately inhaled the sweet smell of vanilla and cinnamon with a hint of bergamot, which i knew as Nat's scent.
"You okay honey? I can feel your off." Nat whispered while embracing me.
"Yeah i'm okay, i swear." I convinced her, or so i thought i did.
See Wanda knows me, but not in the way that Nat does. Wanda may be able to read my mind and hear my thoughts but Nat was always good about feeling my energy, even when i didn't want her to. I guess that's owed to the red room. She picked up on habits i never even knew i had. I got good at hiding my emotions from her too, but sometimes she could still tell, she just wouldn't always say anything about it, knowing i didn't want to talk. She always let me know she was there for me no matter what.
"Pizza's here!" Being announced by Tony brought me back to reality as I spaced out.
Everyone headed to the kitchen grabbing plates, then loading up with pizza and drinks to accompany them. I hugged Wanda from the side and stated how good the pizza looked. She said she was excited to eat it. I then went over to Nat and hugged her too exclaiming that i was happy to have a movie night. She hugged me back, kissing my head, before saying that she was grateful to be spending time with me and everyone, that she finally has a family. That broke something inside me but i didn't let her see, i only smiled. I excused myself and told her i had to make a call, so i'd be a little bit but would be down soon.
She smiled and said to hurry cause we're watching Big Hero 6.
Almost as if it was in slow motion, the moment i left the room the tears started to make their way down my face. I headed to my room upstairs. I silently screamed, which i liked to call the "scream of death." Only because you often silent scream when you want anyone to hear you, but you don't allow yourself to let anyone know you need someone so badly in that moment, it's like your punishing yourself.
Tears streamed down my face as i grabbed the letters I previously wrote, quickly taping them to their owners doors before heading back to my room, locking the door behind me. I looked out my window to see the sunset for the last time. I took a second to appreciate the way the colours blended into each other so beautifully. The sunrise and sunsets were always a moment of clarity each day for me; a moment of peace in the darkness.
I pulled my eyes from the pink and purple clouds bleeding into the orange sky , to head towards the bathroom. I stared at my reflection for a second, taking in the realization of what i was about to do. My head felt like static, I couldn't stop the rush of thoughts flooding my head. I just wanted everything to stop. I couldn't take it anymore. I reached into the drawer rummaging through to find the anti-depressants. I got the cap off and swallowed 1/3 of the bottle. I sat down on the floor and admired the sky once more while waiting to just black out.
Leaving Nat and Wanda would be the hardest. I couldn't bare to lose them, i thought it would be easier if i went first.
Soon enough as the sky fell, my vision did too. I ended up collapsing onto the bathroom floor, with the only thought being "maybe now i'll be free."
LIVING ROOM
(Wanda's POV)
We were all watch the movie, it had been about 20 minutes since y/n left. I started to get worried. I know i promised y/n i wouldn't listen in to her thoughts but every now and then i did just to double check. Shame me, but i care. I tapped into her thoughts for a second, only to hear something that caused my stomach to clench and the hairs on the back of my neck, stand up.
"Maybe now i'll be free." Then it was quiet— it was never quiet.
I gripped Nat's arm tighter than I probably needed to. She whipped her head at me as to say "what the fuck." I didn't hesitate to explain.
"I have an extremely bad feeling Nat, we need to go to y/n's room."
"Okay."
With that we excused ourselves and not walked, but ran towards her room. Once we approached her door, Nat tried to opened it but wasn't able to.
"It's locked."
"Hold on." I replied, bringing my hands up to break the door with my mind.
The door flew open allowing us to enter. We ran in screaming her name. My eyes scanned the room just before I heard Nat gasp and say "oh my god." My head whipped in her direction, she was staring into the bathroom. I saw tears start to fall rapidly for a second before she disappeared into the doorway. Nat rarely cry's, i knew whatever was on the other side of that door wouldn't be good. I ran to the bathroom, following suit. The sight i was met with caused a sob to leave my mouth as i witness y/n lay lifeless upon the marble floor. Nat scooped her up bring her lips down to y/n's head to plant a few kisses before picking her up and rushing out of the room. I was quickly behind as we got into a helicopter and flew to the hospital. Thankfully Nat could fly one.
On the way to the hospital i called Tony explaining the situation, he was horribly worried, as he look at y/n like a daughter. Everyone back at the compound got into a few cars and headed our way.
We finally arrived at the hospital and they took y/n immediately and informed us we would have to wait in the waiting room.
See normally we had a doctor at the compound but Tony gave her weekend off thinking we wouldn't need one for 2 days. We could have called the back up but it was just easier to head to the hospital.
The team arrived 20 minutes after we did considering they had traffic to deal with. I noticed something in Tony's hand once he reached us.
"Hey, is she okay?" He asked.
"We don't know yet. What do you have in your hand?" I questioned, frightened i already knew the answer.
"Well Yelena ran to go grab a shirt from her room and noticed a letter taped to her door and checked the others, low and behold, these letters."
"Yelena, Peter and I got one, as well as you and Nat." Tony added handing me a letter with my name printed on it, and one to Nat with her name on it.
I took a seat on the nearest chair and mentally prepared myself i opened it to reveal a page.
Dear Wanda,
If you're reading this, i assume it's too late. I wanted to write this for some context. I was loosing a mental battle that i wasn't quite strong enough to hold on for longer than i have.
I want to thank you for always being there for me, since i arrived. I know you pushed me to talk which i did need, and i appreciate you being the shoulder i could always lean on. You and Nat are far more than a friend, you're my sisters, which is what makes this suck so fucking much. I can't even bare the thought of losing you both, so at least this was i don't have to worry.
I'm grateful for your help to try and better my mental health, but i was too far gone, and part of me believes you knew that as well, it was only a matter of time. You made me a better person and you always stuck by me. I seriously owe you everything. You're one of the most lovely people i've ever gotten the pleasure to know, i thank the universe for bringing us together.
Just know none of this is your fault, none of you better fucking blame yourselves.
I love you so much, please take care of each other for me. I'll be in your heart if you need me xo
I wiped the tears that clouded my vision. Sniffling, i looked over to Nat to see her eyes clench as more tears fell.
(Nat's POV)
Tony handed me a letter with my name written on it. My shaky hands managed to open it. I pulled out a piece of paper. I griped the sides of the paper with such a gentle touch, in fear that i would break it, as i felt it was all i had left of y/n. I felt my vision get blurry before even reading.
Dear Nat,
If you're reading this, i assume it's too late. I wanted to write this for some context. I was loosing a mental battle that i wasn't quite strong enough to hold on for longer than i have.
My beautiful, beautiful Nat. You've been nothing but a kind and caring person since i've met you. You took me under your wing and helped me grow as a person. You helped me prank the boys, you stuck through my lowest moments, you helped train me into who i am. You mean so much more to me than you'll ever know. I want you to know none of this is your fault, so you better not fucking blame yourself. I know you Natasha, and i know you will but i want you to not because there was nothing you could have done. I'd like to believe i was pretty good at hiding my true feelings even though you could often feel something was off. You, Wanda, and Yelena are the sisters i never had, but needed. I'm eternally grateful to have gotten to know your beautiful heart. I love you so much it hurts. Take care of each other for me and let a few more people in, i know your hurt but you deserve love, and i know you'll find it. I'll always be with you in your heart xo
My eyes clenched shut as tears streamed down and fell onto the paper.
"No." I whispered to myself.
"I won't accept it. You need to be here, you deserve to live and to love, you deserve to experience true happiness. You can't go."
A minute later, a doctor called out for the guardian of y/n, which was Tony as y/n lost her parents at a young age. Once y/n joined the Avengers, he signed to be her guardian but not parent, as he didn't want to overstep.
We all rushed towards the lady causing her to become slightly startled.
"Yes?" I said.
"Well y/n is now in stable condition, we had to pump her stomach as she swallowed a good amount of anti-depressants. She is asleep but you can visit her, but 2 at a time."
"I will!" Wanda and i said at the same time.
We followed the nurse to room 2B17. She pushed opened the door which revealed y/n. She laid on the bed with a blanket wrapped around her providing her with some warmth. The sight brought tears to Wanda and i's eyes once more as we look at our friend who's become a little sister. We each took a side of the bed and took ahold of a hand, gripping a little to let her know we're here.
My head dropped and i pulled her hand against my head as i cried. A moment later, a slight squeeze of my hand caused my head to shoot up. Wanda's did as well, i can only assume the same event occurred.
Y/n?" I questioned.
(Y/n POV)
"Why the long faces?" I whispered, a small smile growing on my face. My eyes opened little by little.
"Fuck! You scared the shit out of us, don't ever fucking do that again please!" Nat exclaimed.
"Well i guess it wasn't meant to be... so you can count on it." I said.
"I'm so grateful your still here." Wanda cried, hugging me.
"My lovely ladies." I whispered once more, giving each of their hand a small squeeze.
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A happy ending because life is often sad enough. I've come to realize sometimes life may have more sad than happy moments, but that's what makes you appreciate the good. Truly you can find the beauty in any situation if you look at it through the right lens. I hope you're okay, try to make the most of today. Hug someone you love, do something you love, make life worth it xoxo