Trigger warning for this chapter! A bit of BDSM and a mention of past abuse (nothing too explicit). Stay safe out there and enjoy xx
Taking a big deep breath, I slowly turn to face Isaac, bending my body to manoeuvre around his big form, still lodged between my legs. I force my Alpha aura to flow, allowing my power to build. This time it's not purely for show, it helps me ground myself, to feel a bit strong despite my very vulnerable position. I'm prepared for a fight, prepared to defend myself and my reaction. But despite how much I will it otherwise, and despite my Alpha power, I'm still shaking, small trembles coursing through my body as the flashbacks press against my mind. With a sharp inhale, I stop the tears from falling, halting them in their course. Yet despite all my efforts, when I finally complete my turn, I know my eyes are watery, my face probably ashen pale. My emotions like an open book on my face.
But surprisingly, when I finally glance up at his face, it is not an angry scowl that looks back at me. Isaac's expression is full of concern, his curious eyes tracking my every movement. His hand reaches out to softly rest on my knee. I know his eyes don't miss the way my body trembles in response yet he doesn't remove his hand. When I don't object to the contact he moves again, shifting from between my legs to sit beside me on the bed. There is something tender, caring, in his actions, but the pity in his eyes... I can't bear it. Rage wells up inside me, rage at how ruined I am, at how confused I am by what I want. I don't know what to say, how to start. I feel the need to explain that I don't need his pity, don't want his pity, don't deserve his pity. But that vulnerable child inside me cowers, knowing that if I open up even a little, I won't be able to stop. I don't want to share those personal thoughts and feelings with this complete stranger. Slightly ironic considering I was prepared to share my bed with him...
I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the tears not to fall. But that overwhelming confusion feels like it's invading my every pore. My head is swimming not only with indecisiveness about how to handle this, but with an inability to comprehend what is even going on. I don't know how to start computing these thoughts, just as I didn't know how I thought about Alice until the answer was right in front of me. Then he places his hand on my hair, softly stroking it in such a fatherly way, that I can't help the single sob that escapes me. My mental barriers falter slightly, a single tear tracking its way down my cheek. But I reel the emotions back in just as quickly. Using my rage to overcome the sadness, and then dampening down the anger until it simmers deep within me.
Finally I feel composed enough to look up at the man beside me. He hasn't moved, lips still pressed tightly together, eyes still full of pity. Yet he hasn't spoken a word since I turned to face him. His body touches mine, yet he isn't invading my space, giving me comfort without being overbearing.
"Sorry." My voice is still shaky, and I swallow harshly, urging myself to hide my emotions from this stranger.
"That's ok doll. I obviously hit a personal barrier." I snort in response. I guess that's one way to put it.
"Yeah..."
"You want to talk about it?" I peer up at him, this kind stranger who I randomly picked up in a bar, remembering how the only thing that had attracted me to him was that he was an Alpha, and that he was staring at me... and that he was mated. Just the memory of my choice, barely an hour ago, makes me cringe. I chose a mated wolf to sleep with. I'm nothing more than scum, nothing more than a cheap whore.
"No." I know what my trigger was, know what caused that panic, and no this stranger doesn't need to know about it.
"Ok, well in that case we should have a safe word in case it happens again. Don't want my baby doll panicking on me again do we?" The soft hints of dominance are easing back into his voice, testing the waters, and I can't help my body from reacting to him. Yet the fact that he's mated weighs heavily on my mind and I automatically shake my head.
"I should probably leave." I push up from the bed, but his large hand around my biceps stills me almost immediately, and he pulls me back onto the bed.
"I think you should stay. I promise I will respect all of your boundaries, and find the right way to dominate you. I'm not a dom who just takes from you, I need you to give yourself, and you can't do that if you don't feel safe. So please stay, even if we don't have sex today, I would like to see you again and I need you to know that you're safe with me."
"It's not that!" His voice is so full of genuine concern that I can't myself from comforting him. "You do make me feel safe, just the fact that you listened when I asked you to stop... that made me..."
"Listened? Oh you poor thing, why wouldn't I listen? You're in control. It doesn't matter whether you are dom or sub, whether you're tied up or blindfolded. If you say stop, or if I say stop, then we stop. As simple as that. And I'm so sorry that anyone has ever made you think otherwise." And with that, the prickle of tears once again teases the corners of my eyes.
"I... thank you. But I really should go." I want to stay, want to explore this safe dominance that is so new to me. But the scent of his mated bond keeps tickling at my nose, reminding me of my duty to his mate.
"Oh." His eyes fill with understanding. "You've realised I'm mated. Or maybe you always knew, but you're finally appreciating it." I nod shyly, guilt blooming in my chest.
"Doll," his fingers tap my chin, raising my head up to meet his eyes. "I am mated. And my incredible mate, the love of my life, I would never do anything to hurt her. We have an understanding, a deal. I will happily explain it to you if you would like. But basically, I am allowed to sleep around, to fuck as I please, to find myself beautiful little dolls to tame and to teach and most of all, to respect. So please stay."
Now that the panic has eased, the feel of his fingers on my thigh lights small tingles in my body. And the soft lilt to his voice, the hint of dominance, of confidence and self-assuredness strokes my soul, demanding I stay and bend to the will of this gorgeous man. The submissive inside me is purring contentedly, prepared to roll over at the sound of his gorgeous voice. But the sensible, emotional, rational side is not as convinced.
"I... I'm not... I think I should leave." He sighs as if admitting defeat.
"If you must go then go. If it is because I crossed a line, then I am sorry. I promise that if you want to meet again, we can go through rules and boundaries so that we can make sure the experiences is as fun for you as I hope it can be. If it is because I am mated, then trust me when I say that my mate is fully aware of where I am right now, and is completely happy with our terms. If you want to meet her to confirm then I can also arrange that. But if you want to leave because this is all too much, then I also understand. This life, sleeping around just for fun, is not for everyone, and maybe it's just not for you." His eyes glint at that last bit, challenging me, taunting me. And even though I know it, I can't help but rise to the challenge.
He covered every reason for me wanting to leave in his explanation. Except for his last reason. I love the freedom of sleeping around and having fun. And he is right, the first two can be fixed. Plus, if he is someone who has found a way of mating and still maintaining that freedom that I am so scared to lose... then maybe I want to stay and learn from him.
But can we trust him? Aida is right, I don't know whether he is telling the truth. But I want to believe him, want to learn what he is willing to teach. Learn what no one thought to teach me before. So I find myself nodding, my inner wolf purring at the feral smile that spreads across his face in response.
"Just give me a couple of minutes." He nods as I stand to move to the bathroom, locking the door softly behind me. I take a few deep breaths, hands clutching the sink as I force myself to relive the memory that made me freeze mere moments ago, remember Rodrigo's anger as he forced himself on me, the need to submit not fueled by his physical dominance but by an innate need to please that allowed me to justify his actions for far too long. And the memory forever seared into my brain of that first time he forced me, long after we'd started sleeping together. Of the first time it hadn't been consensual, and the memory of his hand on my back.
I stare at the sink for a long time, reliving that memory, before finally, the tears stop falling. I look up, at my blazing Amber eyes, the power within them just a hint at what lay beneath. I force myself to smile, to stare myself straight into the eye as I whisper to myself that I am no longer that weak girl who felt the need to please. No longer unaware of her power or her beauty. No longer a plaything, but an individual with their own thoughts and feelings. And that my sexual preferences didn't make me any less powerful, or any less valuable.
I exit the bathroom with my head held eye, meeting Isaac's eye as he grins. His glance trails down my body, appreciatively taking it all in as he reaches out towards me. I walk into his embrace, but before he can pull me in for a kiss, and before my courage deserts me, I reach up to place a finger on his lips.
"If you're lying to me," I put all of my dominance into my words, eyes glowing amber, "if you hurt me, or if you're hurting your mate. I will make you regret it."
The smile that blooms on his face is exquisite, but he nods at my words.
"And I have my rules. No anger. At all. I want praise and encouragement and..." I take a deep breath, suddenly nervous about how openly I am speaking. "I want to feel wanted and special. No anger. Ever."
"I knew you were special doll, such a dominant personality desperately needing to relinquish that power just for a second. Don't you worry, I'm not lying." His head finally lowers fully, his lips finding the sensitive spot behind my ear.
And then that voice, the deep dominant voice that sends chills to my very core whispers against the lobe of my ear.
"If you need me to stop, say 'Red'. If it's nearly too much, 'Amber'. Ok doll?"
"Yes sir." I almost don't recognise my voice, it's high pitched and whiny, my need for him suddenly desperately obvious now that I've made my point.
"Good girl... such a good girl." My core clenches in response, and I know I made the right decision in staying.