•:Humiliate Me:•
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"You know I love you right" Kade asks and I feel nausea bubble in my stomach as he slides his fingers along my jaw, forcing me to look at him. I nod, wanting to pull away and put space between us but I don't. "Of course I do" I smile before he leans down and presses his lips to mine. The kiss is there but I feel nothing.
There's no warmth that fills my chest, or tingles in my fingers, butterflies in my stomach. Maybe there was in the beginning but if there ever was I don't remember. It's been buried.
He pulls away, keeping his fingers along my jaw. His gaze holding mine. His eyes are soft the way someones would be if they were smiling at or admiring something but there's something too cold in the almost black color of them.
It's moments like these where I manipulate myself into not seeing it. I convince myself we're okay and he loves me. I shove down the abuse and focus on the tiny fleck of warmth in his gaze that's aimed at me.. It's aimed at me..
There's something there for me.
There's nothing there for me, it's only his manipulation, of course he'd know how to physically appear to make it seem genuine. I'm not that stupid. I'm quite the opposite.
But I'll keep pretending.
Don't intelligent people tend to have bigger imaginations anyways?
In my imagination he loves me.
He kisses me once more before grabbing his back pack and leaving through the side door of my room.
Leaving me standing alone in the same room he threw me to the floor in just a few days ago.
He apologized like he always does but it's always followed by what 'I did that made him do it'..
If I just hadn't said what I said. Or pushed him too far. It's always something I did that led to it and he almost always says something to the affect that I'm such a handful to deal with, I should be lucky he puts up with me.
I feel a shiver run up my spine, my eyes are dry as they stare out the window where the driveway is now empty, I watched him drive away five minutes ago. I zoned out again.
I'm only grateful he 'felt bad' enough to bring me some stuff. Although I know he didn't feel bad at all and it's just part of his manipulating and pretending to be sorry.
It isn't much but it's enough oxy to get me somewhere..
I lied my way around telling him my 'dealer' left town in hopes he'd know someone else to go to but he mostly ignored my subtle way of asking. Maybe at some point I can ask again.
I need to find someone to buy from. I need money and..I need it.
It isn't easy finding someone to sell to you so you can turn around and tell it. Nobody wants to wait for they're money until I have it to pay them back and some to keep and that's the arrangement I need right now.
Rafe was the only one and look where that got me.
The thought of it creeps in again and I pull my fingers to my mouth, pressing them into my lips to try and ease the nausea. My stomach turns and I feel sweat itch my skin. He hasn't requested me yet. I can only hope he's occupied enough to keep it that way. I've racked my brain over what it'll be like, the tension, the awkwardness, the humility. No matter how much I think it over I can't make any outcome of it. I simply can't imagine how mortifying it will be.
"Lily" my little sister Haley's voice, echos into the kitchen and I turn around seeing her come into the kitchen, a broken box of crayons held together with tape in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. Her long bright red hair that matches mine lays in messy waves, across her shoulders. I don't think I've ever seen another five year old with such long hair. Mine wasn't even that long at her age.
"Can you write birthday list on here?" She asks shoving the two items in my direction and I feel my stomach turn. Only reminding me her birthday is soon and I need to figure out how I'm going to pay for any of it. My mother and I together can scrap something together. Not the pool party she wants but something..
I don't put the burden of things like that on my mom. She exhausts herself to keep a roof over our heads and what food she can afford. I owe it to her to do the extra stuff. "Sure" I tell her taking her patched up box of crayons. "Use pink" she tells me and I grab what's left of the pink before writing it down and handing it back to her. "I can't spell it all yet so I'll draw pictures of what I want" she explains to me before taking her crayons and heading off down the hallway.
Aria made some mac and cheese she found in the cupboard which her and Haley ate. I put the left overs in the fridge since I didn't feel like eating. My mom will come home in the morning and need something anyways. I peak into Arias room, seeing she's asleep and Haley is cuddled up next to her. She doesn't have her own room since there's only three. She sleeps in my moms room with her when she's here but since she works most night she sleeps with Aria. She's too scared to sleep in my room since I occasionally wake everyone up with my nightmare screaming.
I twist my hair into a braid that stops just at my lower back before twisting the cap off the bottle Kade gave me and dumping the tablets out. I've crushed them up and smoked them before but I stopped doing that after I blacked out and couldn't remember anything.
I swear I can feel it as soon as I swallow. The sweet hint of dizzyness, a sort of lightness that lifts the weight of my head off my shoulders and a tingling heavy feeling that weighs down my eyelids.
That high like feeling setting in. Before I know it my head hits the pillow.
I'm awoken to the sound of something in my ears. Leaving them feeling as if they've been ringing. I blink my eyes, feeling disorientated and foggy headed. The room seems to spin as I sit up, my surroundings moving with it. Confused as to why I feel this way, maybe aliens have invaded the earth and I'm floating. I search around for the noise, slowly feeling myself regain some clear thinking and suddenly I'm not so confused as to why I feel like I've just been knocked out.
The oxy..
I always wake up feeling disoriented and on a different planet after I've used it.
I find my phone under my pillow and pull it out, squinting at the bright light that burns my eyes.
An unknown number displays across my screen as a notification and I click on it. Wondering if my mom is trying to get ahold of me on someone else's phone because and hers ran out of battery. That's happened before. It's really the only reason I don't turn my ringer off.
Only I'm not that lucky..
Nausea bubbles in my stomach as my skin crawls and heat rises in my face from a mixture of anger and anxiety.
I swear I can already feel sweat collecting along my hair line and tip of my nose.
Unknown: You have fifteen minutes to get here
About a hundred different ways to get out of this race through my head so fast that I swear it makes me dizzy or maybe it's still the oxy.
I could just not answer, I could ignore him and blame it on being asleep..
But I know better than to do that. If I dare to ignore him he'll come find me. I know he will, He's Rafe.
I could answer and lie about where I'm at, somewhere that would make it impossible to get there tonight. But where would I say I am? And would he even believe me? Why do I feel like he can feel my pulse and tell if I'm lying through the phone?
He probably can.
I've learned there isn't much he can't do..
My eyes move from the vomit inducing text to the top of my screen seeing it's 12:15
I tap my thumbs anxiously across the screen knowing I need to say something but not knowing what.
I've made myself sick going over every which way this will go and I still hadn't brought myself to the reality that it's going to happen and I'm going to have to do it. I was still in denial and had a tiny tinge of hope that he was just trying to scare me or maybe he'd forgot..I was dumb to think that.
Me: It's midnight
I type back the only thing I can think of. As if he cares but maybe just maybe he'll let it go.
The tiny bubble of dots appears and I press my fingers to my lips trying to ease it.
Unknown: What a genius you are for telling time. Get here now. Don't fuck around with me Alilia.
I can hear his voice in my head, saying the words, saying my name. In that deep tone that makes my bones shiver under my skin.
I only send a thumbs up back before I stand and pace around my room in the dark. I feel like I'm in middle school again and am trying to get out of PE or a presentation and would say I was sick so my mom could come get me and get me out of it, only this isn't middle school and I can't tell my mom this. She can't save me this time.
Shit, shit, shit. If I had any food in my stomach I would have thrown it up by now. Part of me wishes I did so I would throw up and maybe he'd be so disgusted he'd turn me away.
I tug a pair of leggings on and quickly slide on a bra under my tank top before pulling a zip up hoodie on.
I tug my hair loose from the braid it was in before sliding my converse on and grabbing my phone. Doing my best to just not think about it. Just don't think about it.
But I can't do that, it's all I can think about as every possible way this will go races through my brain. I take the side door of my room outside, quiet not to wake Aria or Haley.
I'll have to take my bike. My mother has the car and I wouldn't drive it anyways. I haven't driven since the accident..I just can't, its hard enough to get into a car at all let alone drive it. If I have to walk or take my bike everywhere for the rest of my life I will.
Sarah bought it for me after she learned what happened and how I felt about driving. I refused to accept it since I know it was cheap but she threatened to staple my hands to the handlebars..Now hear I am taking it to go be used by her brother.
She'd stop it if I told her..or try at least. Rafe loves her but I don't know if he'd stop it just for that. I don't know him well enough but I do know I can't tell Sarah because I'd have to tell her about the drugs and I absolutely cannot do that. She'd be so disappointed..they all would.
The wind is cold against my face, but it does nothing to soothe me. I'm not sure anything would right now.
Some sick little part of my wishes someone would kidnap me right now, there's plenty of sick people on the cut who would. Just so I could get out of it however, I'd probably be safer with Rafe than whoever abducted me. That's the only situation where I'd be better off with him and maybe I'm wrong about that too.
I have zero doubts that he wouldn't hurt me if he wanted to.
Or If I told him to stop, I don't think he would. I can't imagine he would. He'd probably feed off of my resistance and go harder. That's sick but that's Rafe.
Sarah's room is on the opposite side of the house as Rafes. I'm only hopeful she's asleep at this hour and won't see me.
I've only been to Camerons a few times, on occasion when Sarah and I have hung out. But that's normally at Kies or John B's place. I couldn't tell the layout of the house just from those times, I know where the stairs are, I know the French doors on the side lead into the kitchen and there's another pair lead into the living room. Once I'm at the hallway upstairs, I'm lost.
I reluctantly pull my phone out of my pocket. My fingers trembling as I type I'm here.
I can feel my heart beat in my throat, pounding so harshly I can hear it in my ears. My pulse is almost painful in my neck and I'm not sure if I've been consistently breathing.
Unknown: Doors to the kitchen. Be fucking quiet.
Is all he says. I suppose he's confident I know where they are. He's lucky I do.
I push my bike up against the oak tree that stands to the left side of house, setting it down quietly. I'm not sure what his plan is to erase the security camera footage. I doubt he cares but Sarah might see.
Ward could see and question Sarah wondering what I was doing lurking around their yard at midnight. Again, Rafe doesn't care.
I make my way to the doors, hoping Ward or any of the rest of them don't happen to be getting a midnight snack and see me.
I jump when the door swings open, almost hitting me
I barely acknowledge him before his hand wraps around my arm, yanking he inside with a harsh grip.
"Don't make a fucking sound" he tells me, pulling me beside him as his fingers press into my skin. I keep quiet, wanting to snap at him, yell at him. Anything but I can't risk waking anyone up. He practically drags me as I struggle to keep up with his pace. I'm almost out of breath by the time we're up the stairs and reach his door. The house is dark, only the moon pouring in through the windows casts an occasional streak of light along whatever floor or wall is in its path.
He shoves me inside his room, finally releasing his grip.
My nose is suddenly filled with a pine needle smell and a hint of some sort of cologne smell. I hate that I don't hate it.
"Could you have squeezed my arm any harder? For fucks sake" I snap at him, reaching up and rubbing my arm.
Feeling my temper rise up and begin to come to my fears defense.
My temper has always been my worst and best trait. It protects me like my own personal knight in armor, spewing venom and fire until I win or they back down but sometimes I go too far, and I can't stop and then? Then it's my worst enemy.
And one I haven't learned to control yet.
"Shut up" he growls, moving towards me. His room is dark as well, again only filled with moonlight which bounces off his eyes in the dark like a predator stalking its prey.
"Don't have me come over to be you're personal slut if you want me to be quiet Rafe"
I watch something flicker in his eyes before he's in front of me, his fingers gripping my jaw, painfully, making me want to shove him away. But I can't..Only causing me to think of Kade and how he does it so similarly, even now I don't feel alarms going off like with him, although I should. Rafe hasn't hit me yet but I know he would. This is only the beginning.
One may be a pogue and the other a kook but him and Kade don't seem so different. "This doesn't work like that Alilia" His words drag through the air like velvet. His grip staying tightly around my jaw as he reaches into his pocket and the blood drains from his face. Minus where his fingers are digging in so deep it's already cut off the blood flow. The moonlight bounces between us, reflecting off of the black blade as he twirls it around his fingers. My eyes widening as my breath hitches and he smirks malevolently. Undoubtedly able to feel my pulse sputter violently against his fingertips pressing into my flesh.
"You do what I say when I say it. You have no say in anything. Now shut you're mouth before you can't use it anymore" he tells me, I can feel his breath against my face as he spits each word like knives digging into my skin. Much like the one in his hand.
His eyes falling to my neck before something flashes in them a grin tugging at his lips before he reaches up with the knife. Shivering as it scrapes against the sensitive skin of my throat. Lifting the chain of my necklace with the tip of the blade. "This looks expensive, did you steal it?" He snickers and I swallow down the lump in my throat, wondering why he's intrigued over my necklace..
Doing my best to control my breathing and avoid the blade digging into my skin.
The necklace that Ella and Tiffany gifted me for my sixteenth birthday. A red ruby in the center, my birthstone for July, and a green emerald on either side of it. An emerald for their birthdays in May..
I don't care the price of it, it's the most precious thing to me since I lost them. They might be gone but at least they're still on either side of me on the gold chain. I haven't taken it off since Ella put it on me.
"It was a gift.." I breathe, feeling his knife brush my neck.
"Mm" he mumbles before dropping it back down. A small gasp leaving my lips once the cold metal of the blade is gone. "Take it off" he tells me and my heart sinks.. "No" I immediately respond, reaching up and wrapping my fingers around the stones as if to protect it. He only smirks stepping up to me again and his hand wraps around my throat firmly, choking me of air as my eyes zero in on the light that flashes in front of my gaze. Practically blinding me before the settle on the black knife blade inches from my face. "I said take it off" he repeats as I shake my head. "Why?" I breathe.
"Collateral" he shrugs, an evil smirk dancing on his full lips. "That isn't how collateral works" I breathe. And whatever the price of it, it wouldn't nearly make up for what I owe him. "It does in my book now take it off" he speaks slower, his voice laced with warning and venom as I blink away the sting in my eyes. I can't let him see me cry, let him see me so pathetic and vulnerable.
The blade before my eyes warning me of refusal.
My fingers shake as I reach up, unclasping it and he rips it away.
"Fuck you" I tell him and he releases my jaw, a grin tugging at his lips. Sick asshole. Only he would find this amusing.
"Strip" he tells me and my stomach sinks. Sinks through the fucking floor. Already feeling mortifyingly humiliated and I'm still fully clothed. "No" I speak before I mean to, it's just my brain trying to procrastinate before I can process it.
"Excuse me? You don't tell me no" he takes a step toward me. Twirling the knife in his grasp and I instinctively step back. "Strip Alilia, now" he crosses his arms over his chest, his eyes filled with an evil amusement and I swallow down the lump in my throat. Flickering my gaze from his to the knife. Sharp and deterrent.
Don't think about it..don't think about it.
Reaching up and unzipping my hoodie before it falls off my arms.
I kick my shoes off, my eyes watching his watch me.
My finger tips shake uncontrollably as I slide them under the waist band of my leggings before sliding them down. Pulling my eyes from his as they bunch up around my ankles and I tug them off. Leaving me in my underwear. Thank god they're just plain black thongs..not that it'll matter in a few minutes anyways.
I meet his gaze again, watching me but he doesn't wear the look of a man whose attracted to the woman in front of him. Or like one whose excited to fuck her.
Instead he only wears the same expression, amused but only at his control over me. I pull my tank top off, feeling my lips start to quiver but I bite down on my cheek. Reaching to undo my bra but he stops me, stepping up to me, so close that I have to look up to meet his eyes. My lungs feel like they're vibrating in my chest, not taking in air very well.
"I don't want to see you're body, if that's what you think you've got the wrong idea" he says. I want to scream at him, I want to hit him and hurt him..but I can't. I can feel the anger building and brewing. I hate him, I fucking hate him. But I'm also utterly terrified of what he'll do if I don't do what he says.
"Trust me I didn't" I tell him but he only smirks before his hands are on shoulders, forcefully turning me around and pushing me onto the bed. The handle of his knife pressing into my skin"Get up" he tells me, his hand pressing into my back before I reluctantly crawl onto my knees onto the bed. "Fucking stay like that" he tells me before I hear a drawer open and feel him behind me again. "You look so pathetic right now" he laughs and I hear the clink of his belt making me shudder. My arms are already sore from shaking. Don't think about it..just don't think about it.
I feel tears sting my eyes and I bite down on my cheek harder and harder until I taste blood. "Put you're head down, I don't want to see you're face" he tells me, before his hand slides up the back of my head and presses my face into the mattress, staying like that for a moment before he pulls it away but I stay put. Turning it enough to the side so that I can breathe. My heart pounding painfully in my chest; my mind racing about where the knife is. Almost grateful that something has managed to occupy my mind from him. The only thing more horrid is what he'll do with that knife..
Don't think about, don't think about it. How can I not when I'm living it? I feel a tear escape down my cheek, cursing at myself. Once one goes it hard to stop them.
I shudder at his touch, pulling my thongs to the side and I hear the sound of fabric tearing. "Are you proud of what you've got yourself into?" He asks but I stay quiet. Slamming my eyes shut when a tickle like sensation slides up my spine before turning into prickly pressure as he pushes the tip of the blade into my shoulder blade. Not hard enough to break the skin but enough that it stings. "I asked you a question"
"No" I barley whisper hearing him chuckle before I gasp, muffled by the mattress as he pushes into me. Dragging the blade down my side and over my hip as my insides coil and shrink deep into my core.
I want to gag or vomit or scream. The overwhelming sensation of nausea causes me to cough as tears spill down my face, whimpering at his movements inside of me.
Nothing could have prepared me. No amount of racking my brain would have been enough to know what this would be like.
Humiliating
Mortifying
Sickening
I hate myself for that my body responds to him, that urge building. I hate that I can feel that he's..big..and it feels good. I hate it, I hate it. Even though I have zero control over it and it's quite literally the way women are designed to feel when a man is inside of them but it makes me sick.
Don't think about it..don't think just don't think. I try to focus on Haley and her party. Aria and her mood swings. JJ's laugh and his smile..a small piece of me tries to imagine it is JJ just to get through but the rest of me fights that idea. My tears soak my lips, leaving a salty taste in my mouth, mixing with the blood from my cheek. "Don't think I'll let you finish" he tells me. I hadn't thought about it..but I wouldn't have thought that anyways.
"I wasn't"
I try to hear Popes voice as when he helps me with my math, trying to drown out the situation with his math equations. Kiara going on about recycling and Sarah talking about saving the baby turtles. We were planning on doing that this summer, when it's time. We did it last year and it felt so good to help something so small. It made me feel like less of a monster and that's something I don't think I'll ever be able to shake. After the accident I haven't felt like anything short of just that..a monster.
Ella was such a force to be reckoned with she'd beat him up herself if she knew what he's doing. Tiffany would be right there helping her..but if they were here I wouldn't have ended up in the drug mess I did and if I hadn't, this wouldn't be happening.
It feels like forever before he pulls away and my eyes snap open. I hadn't realized I had them shut but they're blurred with tears. My lower stomach burns from being denied the ability to finish but I'm certain he didn't either and for whatever reason he didn't on purpose. I have no idea how long it's been only that it felt like forever.
I stay put feeling too mortified to move. I hear a clank noise before the zipper of his jeans.
I jerk my body up; a sharp gasp leaving my lips as pain penetrates my skin. Hot liquid dripping down my spine a second later. "That was your own fault" His voice filled with amusement, breathless and laced with immoral humor. I say nothing as I reach with shaky fingers behind me and press them into the blood, pulling them around and stare at the dark red liquid coating my fingers.
Maybe it was my own fault for moving so suddenly but I can't convince myself he didn't do it on purpose. Even if he didn't, I won't try and tell myself that.
"You know where the door is" he spits before moving into his bathroom and closing to door.
I'm pulling my leggings on as fast as I can. Almost tripping as I tug my shoes on, only grabbing my hoodie before I'm out of his room. Sobbing uncontrollably as I run to my bike. Pulling my hoodie on as fast as I can.
My arms are shaking too much, I feel so weak as if I've lifted a thousand pounds I don't think I can even hold on.
The air makes my damp cheeks feel frozen as I begin to walk my bike down the driveway.
My mind is blank yet racing. I feel so dirty and used.
I'm nothing short of mortified. I knew it would be this way I just didn't know how bad. And that was only the beginning. It was just the first time.
I reach up, searching for my necklace for comfort like I always do but..it isn't there..
Hey guys.....so I know it's a lot..I know it's a bit twisted but it's ENEMIES to lovers so please hang in there. I swear it gets begged and you're going to love it and Rafe. I have so much planned for this story!!
Thanks for reading!