🟢💀Duncan💀🟢
Y/n: N... No!
Duncan: A fair rebuttal. However, consider this counterpoint: Y... Yes???
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Y/n, at Duncan's funeral: I need a moment with them.
Everyone else at the funeral: Of course. *leaves*
Y/n, leaning over Duncan's coffin: Okay, listen here you little shit. I know you're not dead.
Duncan, sitting up in the coffin: Yeah, no shit.
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Y/n: How does one turn their emotions off?
Duncan: Okay, so first go to settings.
Duncan: I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.
Y/n: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?
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Duncan: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?
Y/n: Well, it's frowned upon.
Duncan: Okay, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier?
Duncan: That's okay, right?
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Y/n: Duncan, we tried things your way.
Duncan: No, we didn't.
Y/n: I did it in my head and it didn't work.
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Y/n: How was your day, Duncan?
Duncan: Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week at school.
Y/n: Oh? And what does that mean?
Duncan: It means I can't bully anyone for a whole week.
📣📱Courtney📱📣
Y/n: That was a joke. Say ha.
Courtney: Ha.
Y/n: Now do it again.
Courtney: Ha.
Y/n: Congratulations, you are officially the life of the party.
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Courtney: I called you like ten times! Why didn't you pick up?
Y/n: *remembers dancing to the ringtone*
Y/n: I didn't hear it.
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Y/n: I've become a bread crumb dealer to four crows at the lake. They pay me with a bit of everything. Like shiny things, fabric, or pens. But recently they paid me with a 20 dollar bill they found somewhere. So I decided to buy them some more expensive bread. They loved it. So they understand what to do. Give me money. I've probably racked up about 200 dollars at this point. Is it morally wrong though, I mean. They're the ones who steal the money from others. Or perhaps they just have a big pile laying somewhere. Should I keep on doing this?
Courtney: You sound like the start of a Batman villain.
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Courtney: Does anyone know how to relax? Asking for a friend.
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Courtney: Are you busy?
Y/n: Yes.
Courtney: Cool, listen to this.
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Courtney, on the phone: Where are you?
Y/n: I told you, I'm at work
Courtney: Swear you're not at Chuck E Cheese again?
*skee ball machine alarm goes off in the background*
📕🙄Noah🙄📕
Y/n: Are pigeons drones?
Noah: What? No, I'm trying to sleep.
Y/n: Think about it. How come you've never seen a baby pigeon? And why do you never actually see a pigeon nest? Because they're DRONES!
Noah: *Crying* Please let me sleep...
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Y/n: I've been here in jail so long I think I've lost my mind.
Y/n: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.
Y/n: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?
Noah: This is Monopoly.
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Noah: Why are you talking to yourself?
Y/n: It's called a soliloquy, bitch.
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Y/n: Fight me!
Noah, standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.
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Noah: Last week, Y/n tried to flush a live lobster down the toilet "because it worked for Nemo".
💅🙄Heather🙄💅
Heather: Y'know, maybe things aren't so bad. I'm here. I got the nice ocean breeze. Just alone with my thoughts.
Y/n: Hey, Heather.
Heather: GODDAMNIT!
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Y/n: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?
Heather: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.
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Heather: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean.
Y/n: No, go ahead. I want to hear it.
Heather: It sucks.
Y/n: That's not constructive criticism.
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*when you and your sister join forces*
Heather: DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT JOKE WAS FUNNY? IT WASNT. NOBODY IS LAUGHING.
Heather: *pulls up a graph* THIS IS WHEN YOU TOLD YOUR JOKE, YOU HAVE SONGLE HANDEDLY RUINED COMEDY! IVE ALSO ASKED MANY COMEDY SCHOLARS ON THEIR OPINION OF YOUR JOKE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY HAD TO SAY!
Y/n: I've been researching comedy for the past 20 years, and I have genuinely never seen a joke this bad. We have used quantum physics to look into alternate universes to see every joke made, and yours was still by far the worst.
Heather: CONGRATULATIONS! YOUVE SINGLE HANDEDLY CREATED THE WORST JOKE IN HUMAN HISTORY! HERES A MEDAL! *pulls up a horrible ms paint drawn star that says "you need help"
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Heather: What's this?
Y/n, hugging Heather: Affection!
Heather: Disgusting.
Heather: ...Do it again.
🐰😁DJ😁🐰
Y/n: I'm tired.
DJ: You slept for three hours last night! Why are you surprised?!
Y/n: I'm not surprised. I just wanted to complain about it.
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DJ: We just ate. Why are you making pancakes?
Y/n: For the dogs.
DJ: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
Y/n: They don't know how.
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DJ: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to fear how much they love me.
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Y/n, playing a video game: This game is so frustrating! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
DJ: Ok, I think it's time to turn off the game for a little while.
Y/n: But I'm having fun!
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DJ: Y/n, how could you possibly have gotten into this much trouble in one day?
Y/n: It... It didn't take me the whole day...
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DJ, laying in bed: Get out of my room.
Y/n, standing just outside of the door frame: I'm not in your room.
🔵🌙Gwen🌙🔵
Y/n: Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles?
Gwen: I know you're serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes.
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Gwen: Y/n, I don't think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery.
Y/n: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you're all tomfuckered out!
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Y/n: People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room.
Gwen: It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.
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*when you two where younger*
Gwen: Come on, you need to go to bed.
Y/n: Mr. Snuffles says that I can stay up as long as I want. And that you need to die!
Gwen: ...
Gwen: What the hell, Mr. Snuffles—
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Gwen: *trying to get five seconds of sleep*
Y/n, poking Gwen's arm: Gwen Gwen. Gwen. Gwen.
Gwen: WHAT?
Y/n: ...We're out of Capri Suns—
💄💅 Lindsay💅💄
Lindsay: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it.
Lindsay: And I started thinking.
Lindsay: Like, it was just trying to get food.
Lindsay: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck?
Y/n: Are you ok?
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Lindsay: How do you sleep at night knowing people don't like you?
Y/n: With the fan on.
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Y/n: *Stands in trash can.*
Lindsay: Y/n, not again! You're not trash, you're at least recycling!
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Y/n: This bloodline ends with me.
Lindsay: That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say "I'm gay".
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Y/n: Knock, knock.
Lindsay: Who's there?
Y/n: Boo!
Lindsay: Boo who?
Y/n: Why are you crying?
Lindsay: I'm not crying.
Y/n: Hello notcrying, I'm Y/n.
🎬🎥Chris Mclean🎥🎬
Y/n: We all have our demons.
Y/n, grabbing Chris: This one's mine.
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Y/n: When I die I want Chris to lower me into my grave so he can let me down one last time.
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Y/n, turning to Chris: Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you can turn on is the microwave.
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Y/n: Let's not Chris this into a worse situation than it already is.
Chris: Did you just use my name as a verb?
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Chris: I am the most responsible person in the group.
Y/n: ...You just set the kitchen on fire.
Chris: Yes, and I take full responsibility for that.
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Chris, trying his first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY!
Y/n, an avid coffee drinker, on their twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds.