Soobin's POV:
I was nervous; I always am. Only Chan knows that I see a therapist since he set it up for me, but I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone else. I mean, it's his wife after all. She works upstairs in the same building, which is actually how her and Chan met in the first place. Their story is kind of cute, but they got together way before I started working here. I went to their wedding, though. And you'll just have to trust me when I say, it was adorable and mushy.
Taehyun offered to go get drinks after work, and I had to make up an excuse that I was too tired. Chan understood, covering for me as well and letting me come here instead. It's just a few floors higher in the same building, so I pretended to go home by driving around the block a few times until everyone left. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I'm too embarrassed.
I took the elevator to the fifth floor, smelling the air fresheners as soon as the doors opened. The entire floor is a workspace, kind of like how the first floor is set up for us. You can tell it's a therapy office from a mile away, flowers and little stress balls everywhere to keep people comfortable.
I slowly walked over to the receptionist's desk. It's someone new, never seeing her here before. She picked her head up when I was close to her desk, giving me a little smile, "Hi, sir. Are you here for an appointment?"
I gave her a little smile back, knowing my dimples popped out, "I'm here to see Dr. Hwang."
She looked down at her computer, "Name?"
"Choi Soobin..." I replied, holding my hands in front of me, "S-Sorry, I'm a little late."
She typed a few things on her computer, and then looked back up at me, "No worries. You can have a seat and I'll let her know you're here." She replied, standing up from her chair.
I bowed to her, turning on my heel to sit down in one of the chairs. There wasn't anyone else in the waiting room, probably since I'm always her last appointment. I have to come after work, and our shift ends at four on a good day, but normally goes later. I usually feel kind of bad, but she always tells me not to worry about it.
"Soobin-ssi?..." I heard my name, and I already knew it was her. I turned my head, seeing her standing right outside of her office. She still had one hand on the door, adding, "You can come in."
I stood up from my chair, giving a small, "Thank you." As I stepped inside her office.
I always get anxious right before my appointment starts, pausing right when I take a few steps inside. There're three chairs: one for her and two for patients. I never know which chair to sit at, and it stresses me out for some reason. Dr. Hwang calls it situational anxiety, but I don't know, it's just how I've always been. My eyes were darting around the entire room, noticing all of the little things. Everything seemed to be the same, except—
"Go ahead..." Dr. Hwang said, snapping me out of my thoughts. She was sitting down in her seat, her notebook and pen already in her hand. I pursed my lips, and she looked at me with a little smile, "Let it out. It's ok."
I took a breath, and then said really fast, "There's a pen under your desk. Must've dropped it earlier today and couldn't find it. You have a new plant. Makes sense since the last one was dying..." I brought my hand up, rubbing the back of my neck, "The left seat cushion is still deflated a little, so I guess the last person was sitting there. That means I should sit in the other seat, right? O-Or maybe that's being too rude, and I should sit in the left seat anyways. But then umm..." I slid my hand up from my neck to my hair, scratching a little, "I-I don't know."
She hesitated for a moment, "Well, thank you about the pen..." She replied, standing up and looking for a few seconds before she saw it. She picked it up so it wouldn't bother me, and then went back to her seat, "And yes, it's a new plant. My brother stopped by for lunch the other day and brought it as a gift..." She added, giving me a little smile, "I say this every time, but you can sit anywhere, and I'm not going to judge you."
I nodded, looking back at the two chairs in front of me. I looked back and forth between the two of them, and then decided to sit in the right chair. I sat awkwardly, interlacing my fingers together and placing my hands in my lap. My shoulders were tense, and she crossed her left leg over her right as she asked, "How're you doing today?"
I took a breath, "Good. We only had two calls today and it didn't take too long. We also got a new team member last week, and he's doing pretty well so far."
"Nice, that's great..." She replied, "What's this new person like? I haven't heard much from Channie."
I smiled softly, "He's really nice and honestly a genius."
"What's his name again?"
"Yeonjun."
She nodded, "So now you have six people on your team; maybe that'll help take some of the stress off you guys."
I chuckled lightly, "More like it just diffuses into him as well..." I quickly replied, and then instantly felt bad, "S-Sorry."
"No, it's ok. You're allowed to have an opinion, Soobin..." She said, opening her notebook to a fresh page, "Did you have any tough calls since we last met?" She asked, and I bet she already knew the answer.
I nodded, "J-Just one last Thursday."
She leaned forward a bit so she could take notes, "Would you like to tell me about it?"
"Umm..." I hesitated, because I honestly didn't want to. But I'm trying to get better, so I shyly responded, "Chan gave me the command. The suspect wouldn't calm down and pointed his gun at him. I-It's protocol."
She was writing something down, but picked her head up to ask, "And how did you feel right after?"
"Terrible..." I quickly replied, "B-But he would've shot hyung, so I don't know how to feel."
"Whatever you feel is valid..." She said, trying to get me to open up more, "No judgment, I promise."
I looked down at my fingers to avoid her eyes, "I-I know that if I didn't do something, he would've shot more people. When we got there, three hostages were already dead, b-but how does that make what I'm doing any better than him?"
"Soobin, what you're doing is keeping people safe; more people than you think."
"I just feel so guilty..." I replied, almost not hearing her previous comment. It suddenly felt really hot in here as well, "I-I can still see him on the floor. I-I'm the one who killed him."
"Have you been doing the breathing exercises we practiced for when you feel anxious?..." She asked, noticing the signs. I was tapping my thumb on my opposite hand, stuttering whenever I spoke. I quietly nodded, "Ok, let's start those again. Inhale, hold for three seconds, and then exhale."
I did as she said, inhaling, holding for three seconds, and then exhaling. It's similar to the breathing pattern I need to do when I'm in my sniper position. It helps to slow your heart rate and lower your blood pressure, counteracting the panicking state of an anxiety attack. I did it one more time, and I felt a little better. It's good to do them before you really start to panic, basically stopping it before it starts.
"There you go. Just breathe..." She said softly, and I tried my best to let the tension out of my shoulders, "Let's talk about something else. Have you been having nightmares since that happened? Any flashbacks?"
I took another deep breath, nodding as I said, "They've gotten worse the past couple of days."
She wrote something down on her notebook, "After this all happened last Thursday?..." She asked, and I nodded in response, "And have these nightmares been about this incident specifically, or are they about something else?"
"Well, they usually start about what happened on Thursday, and then I remember other days, which then remind me of other days..." I replied, taking my hands away from each other since I felt how they were getting sweaty. I wiped them on my pants, squeezing my thighs, "It's just a vicious cycle."
"So, you're saying you wake up from these nightmares and it triggers flashbacks?..." She asked, and it made me feel better that she actually sounded curious. At least she cares enough to ask. I nodded in response, and she asked another question, "And how many times has that happened since Thursday?"
"Ummm..." I had to think about it for a moment, going back in my head the last four days. I pursed my lips when I knew the answer, "Every night. Usually multiple times a night."
She wrote something quickly in her notebook, and then picked her head up again, "Have you had any panic attacks because of this?"
I nodded, "Thursday night I did."
She wrote that down in her notebook, "And what did you do to calm down?"
I gulped, "I-I tried the breathing technique you taught me, but I really felt like I couldn't breathe, and then I was panicking more..." I quietly said, pausing for a moment so I could think about what to say, "I eventually just passed out from hyperventilating, but I was still in bed, so I didn't get hurt or anything."
My response made her pick her head up, needing to push her glasses up the bridge of her nose since they were falling down, "Did you call for help?"
I looked down and shook my head as a response, too embarrassed to look at her. I was afraid she would judge me, tell me I did something wrong, say I broke the rules, or all of the above.
She quietly sighed, "Ok, if that happens again, please call an ambulance. Or at least call me or someone close to you to help you through the panic attack."
I pursed my lips and nodded, but I knew I wasn't going to do that. I was fine, and I don't need to be bothering people at three in the morning just because I have a nightmare.
She paused for a moment, "Do you mean it?"
I swear, she can see right through me. Damn, why does she have to be so good at her job? I looked down at my lap since she caught me in a lie, quietly shaking my head because I wanted to be honest. She sighed again, louder this time, "Why don't you want to call anyone?" She asked softly.
I shrugged, not having the strength to pick my head up, "I-I don't want to bother the paramedics or you. I-I was fine."
"Soobin, I promise you're not bothering them. It's their job and they want to help you. I want to help you..." What she said made me look up at her a little, and she gave me a smile to reassure me, "You're not bothering anyone, ok?"
I hesitated to nod in response. It somehow helps that she tells me an answer when I'm unsure, but I guess that's just the anxiety coming out again. She looked relieved that I agreed with her, but I replied, "I-It honestly helps to talk to you. It's usually better after I come see you every week."
She gave me a little smile, "That's great! How about we try something new for the days you don't see me..." She said, standing up from her chair. She walked around her desk, opening one of the filing cabinets. I didn't know what she grabbed until she closed the cabinet and turned around. It was a notebook, similar to hers. She walked back over to me, handing me the notebook. I hesitantly took it from her, scrunching my eyebrows. She said as she sat back down, "I want you to write down your thoughts after you have a tough day. Or you can write anything if you're just feeling anxious. You don't even have to be anxious; just write whenever and whatever you'd like."
I chuckled, looking down at the notebook as I said, "I'm not a good writer."
"You don't have to be. Nobody's going to read it..." She said, giving me a little smile, "You don't even have to read it after you write if you don't want to. Just write down what you feel to let it out the same way you talk to me."
I looked up at her, pondering for a moment. My eyes drifted back down to the notebook, pursing my lips, "I-I'll try."
~ ~ ~
I went back to the first floor, needing to pack up the rest of my stuff from earlier. I held the notebook in my hand as I walked to the locker room, most of the lights were off now as well. I sighed to myself, opening the door to the locker room and making my way over to my locker. I reached up to run my fingers through my hair, but flinched when I picked my head up. Yeonjun was standing there, his locker open, looking like he was organizing.
I froze, and Yeonjun scrunched his eyebrows, "Soobin?..." He asked, turning his body to face me fully, "What're you doing here? I thought you wanted to go home early...?"
I didn't know what to do, internally panicking, "W-What're you doing here?" I asked, flipping the question on him instead.
"I decided to stay back and organize my stuff. I have a little bit of OCD and it's driving me crazy..." He replied, and I wasn't expecting him to be so open, "Now, what're you doing here?"
I brought the notebook up, hugging it against my chest to help me feel better. I avoided his eyes as well, "I-I umm... I forgot something."
He tilted his head, "Then why'd you bring something with you?..." He asked, pointing to my notebook. I didn't say anything back, so he took a step closer to me, chuckling lightly, "You're a terrible liar, Soobin." He added, quietly this time.
I gulped, pursing my lips together before I said, "Please, don't tell anyone, but—Well, umm..."
He scanned me up and down for a moment, and then quietly asked, "You go to see a psychiatrist?"
"Y-Yeah..." I scrunched my eyebrows, "How did you know that?"
"I umm..." The look in his eyes softened, "Sorry, I try not to profile my coworkers. I just can't help it sometimes."
"It's ok..." I gave him a little smile to reassure him, "Th-The offices are a few floors up. I-I'm just too embarrassed to tell anyone..." I said quickly since I was anxious, gulping before I added, "She wants me to start writing down my thoughts."
He nodded, "You don't have to tell me anything..." He reached out, giving me a little smile as he patted my upper arm, "Therapy isn't something to be embarrassed about."
My shoulders started to lose their tension, loosening the hold on my notebook, "It was Chan's idea; his wife is a therapist upstairs, so he set it up for me. I can't thank him enough, really. B-But nobody else knows." I added, feeling like I needed to give him an explanation for some reason.
He nodded again, rubbing my arm lightly since he hadn't taken his hand away, "I won't say anything, I promise..." He said, and then pulled his hand away. He cleared his throat since it was awkward, adding, "And if you need someone to talk to, you can always come to me – I mean, I know we haven't known each other for that long, but I know how this job can take a toll on you."
I almost took a breath of relief from what he said. I always felt like I'm the only one who's suffering. Like I'm the only one who needs help. Like I'm the only one who's affected by this.
He started turning back when I didn't say anything, and I stopped him, "W-Wait..." I called out, gripping my notebook again. He turned back to me, and I asked, "Can I ask you something?"
He pressed his lips together, nodding in response, "Of course. Go ahead."
I avoided his eyes, looking down at my feet instead, "H-Have you ever umm... h-had to use lethal force on a subject?" I asked, purposely making the question vague.
I bet he could see right through my expressions and behavior because he softly said, "Yeah. Way more than I would like to admit."
"D-Do you ever feel guilty for killing people in the field? Even if that's the best thing you could do in that scenario to keep everyone safe?" I said quietly, not having the strength to pick my head up and see his reaction.
He hesitated for a moment, probably because he didn't expect such a blatant question, "It haunts me every second of every day of my life..." His reply made me pick my head up, and he was still looking right at me. His eyes were sincere, adding, "I promise, you're not alone. It takes a toll on everyone when it happens..." I wasn't expecting him to move forward, gently wrapping his arms around me. He rested his chin on my shoulder, and I let go of my notebook with one hand to hug him back. He's so warm, feeling comfortable enough to drop my forehead onto his shoulder. I'm usually not like this with people I don't know, but his touch is just so soft, "You're never alone, ok?" He whispered.
I closed my eyes, finally relaxing for once this week. Ever since I had to pull the trigger a few days ago, I've been so tense and stiff. Even in my apartment, I can't seem to properly relax. I don't know what it is about him, but Yeonjun reminded me of home. The hug only lasted for a few seconds before he pulled away, and I whispered back, "Thank you."