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"Ali, can we talk to you?"
I turned to LJ's mother, tita Adeline, when she called my attention. LJ went out to talk with Nurse Luna and her parent's doctors while I was supposed to go out and buy us lunch. Tita is looking at me with a sad smile as well as tito Caius who's on his bed beside hers.
I closed the door when I saw their eyes that were somber. It pulled me in and I know I have to listen.
I carefully made my way and stood in between their hospital beds. I made sure I'm not stepping on the cords of the machines that are keeping them alive. And I stood there, with hands on my sides, looking at them attentively.
"You know we don't have much time," LJ's father smiled bitterly behind his oxygen mask. "And we know we all can't do anything about it."
I gulped, feeling the overwhelming heaviness coming up my throat. "I'm sorry..."
Even for the short time that I was with them, I felt the love of a parent from them. I felt genuine support for what I do, and they made me feel cared for. They treated me like their own child. And that replaced all the bad memories in my head of my own parents.
And even if it's just for a short time, they've already left an imprint on me so hearing them admit to their own fate makes me want to... cry.
Tito's smile turned genuine and he shook his head. "Don't be. It's not your fault."
I inhaled a shaky breath to try and keep myself composed.
"Ali," LJ's mother called me in her sweet motherly tone. "Thank you for always being there for Lily Jane. Thank you for being present in her life when we couldn't."
"You're welcome po." I tried to smile even though my lips are starting to quiver. "But really, I don't think I can leave her. I don't think I can... live without her."
"I'm happy that she has that impact in your life," says tito. "I wish that won't change."
I nodded, my smile widening. "It won't."
They both have this matching smile that conveyed their approval. And in their smile, I felt the acceptance that I was searching for from my own parents, the acceptance that I lost.
And this is how easily they just give it to me like I'm their own son.
"Ali..." Tita called, her hand moving. I knew she wanted to reach for my hand so I held her weak hands. She smiled at my gesture, trying to grip my hand back weakly. "I hope it's not much to ask you to please take care of her for us. Please, keep her loved."
"We'll leave her in your care, Ali," it was tito this time. When I looked at him, his eyes were looking at me with trust.
Despite the heaviness in my chest seeing their state, I felt like I could breathe easily again. They trust me and that's all I need.
"Thank you po. That you can trust me. I promise I'll keep her safe and loved."
Shortly after tita and tito gave me their blessing, a month passed and they finally passed. Their pain was finally over.
I stayed with LJ and became her pillar of support and comfort as she grieved the death of the only parents she knew. I kept it together for her sake because I know how much she's going through. It's painful for me since her parents have been nothing but caring for me but I can't imagine how much her pain is.
My job is to stay. So, I stayed. Not just for her but for myself too.
I don't want her to be alone, especially now that it's just us against the world.
The world that was cruel to us. The world that has left us. We were two souls lost, wandering and trying to find what it means to live.
I found her, my meaning. And she found me.
I couldn't be more grateful that she arrived in my life. In the darkness that was once my comfort, I always search for the light. I was content with the darkness because it's all I knew. But when she came, I knew I wanted her.
She gave me a reason to live. I wasn't doing it anymore just for the sake of validation from my parents, for the sake of the lie that they bathed me with. Finally, I wanted to live not because I was told to do something but because I really wanted to. To experience a day with her, to feel alive again.
I was not afraid of the camera anymore because of her. I wanted to always take pictures of her, to capture moments with her that I cannot go back to. I want to take pictures of her so that when she leaves me, I still have her in me, in my camera. She won't be just a memory.
But she never left me. She was always there for me even though I'm not the best person for her. I kept to myself but she was patient with me. Even when I didn't love myself, she loved me.
She didn't become just a memory to me. She became my life. And we share that life together.
It all started when I first laid eyes on her. Then suddenly, I was in her atelier with my camera, taking pictures of her. We met in different places, we shared moments together. We talked and we listened to each other. We ate ice cream to ease the stress that life has been throwing at us.
I love her and her being passionate about her art. I love her and her dolls. I love her and her smile. I love her and her teasing. I love her and her hugs. I love her and her kisses. I love her and every part of her.
I love her and her everything.
I will take care of her as a promise to her parents. I will take care of her as a promise to myself. Because she's a part of me. Because she has my heart with her.
I'll keep my promise every day and every moment. I will be her safety. I will be her care. I will hold her hand when she feels lost. I will take her to places she wants. I will provide her with everything that she needs and wants. And I will keep her feeling loved.
Because I truly love her.
And keeping my promises is not a job. Keeping my promises is my life, my forever duty for ever saying that I love her. It is my punishment for the words that I uttered, my punishment for loving her too dearly.
"Ali."
I opened my eyes but squinted them again when a ray of sunlight hit my face. I lifted my head from the table and felt the pain on my body from that uncomfortable position. Looks like I fell asleep and didn't notice.
I felt a hand on my head, gently brushing through my hair. When I got used to the brightness, I opened my eyes and found the beautiful sight of Lily Jane, my wife.
My expression softened and my lips automatically stretched into a smile.
Her hand went down from my hair to my face and her thumb wiped my cheek.
"You're crying." She looked at me worriedly. "Binangungot ka ba?"
I shook my head. "No. I dreamt of a memory. A great one."
LJ's thumb continued to draw circles on my cheek. "Can you tell me about it?"
My smile widened. I gently wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her closer. I hugged her and carefully rested my head on her big tummy.
"I just remembered the day your parents gave you to my care," I said and buried my face on her stomach.
"Hmm... What did they say?"
"To take care of you. To keep you safe and loved." I inhaled a breath and looked up at her. "Do you think I kept my promise?"
Her face lightened with her gentle smile. With one hand on my face and another hand holding my shoulder, she answered. "You did."
I felt the strain on my cheek from smiling too much. Her hand cupped my cheek. I took one of my hands and held her hand and played with it as she caressed my cheek.
"I'm glad."
I didn't know what life was like until I felt these hands on me, caring for me. Her rough hands made dolls that created difference in people's lives, including mine.
These hands created life with dolls. And these hands prevented the last bit of the fire of life inside me from dying. These hands kept me from falling apart. She held me and kept me going in life. Her small gentle hands did that and I'm so thankful for it.
"What are you doing at nakatulugan mo pa?" Her thumb went up to carefully massage the skin under my eyes. "Sorry napupuyat kita lagi."
"It's okay," I assured her. "It's my choice to still sleep beside you."
She sighed and pinched my cheek. "The doctor said lilipas din 'to. I hope malapit na so I won't disturb your sleep anymore."
"You're doing your best for our child so staying beside you is the best that I can do." I held her hand tighter. "Don't worry, okay?"
She exhaled a breath and leaned over, kissing my head. "I'll reward you once na manganak ako. You deserve it."
I chuckled. "Thank you."
She turned to look at the table I slept on. Her eyes landed on the album that I was working on before I fell asleep accidentally. Her eyes examined it and I saw her smile when she saw the current page I was working on.
I also turned my gaze on the album. I remember reminiscing while I was pasting the pictures. Maybe that's why I fell asleep.
"I pasted the ultrasound photos," I said. "Then I'm preparing the next pages for our next pictures once our child is here."
I turned the current page to the next and showed her what I worked with so far. She stared at it in awe until I got to the last decorated page before going back to the page with the ultrasound.
"I've only worked that far," I said. "I used yellow, by the way, so it's neutral since we don't know the gender yet."
"What gender do you want our child to be?" she asked.
I stopped to think for a moment. An image came to my head of LJ and our child. The image filled me with comfort.
"I want her to be a girl. And I want her to look like you," I answered. "I want her to have your eyes, your smile, your hair, your nose, your face. I want her to have everything that I love about you." I smiled to myself as my eyes wandered to her face. "I want her to look like you so that when people see her, they know why I fell in love with you."
Her shoulders slowly relaxed. Her lips quivered and a tear fell out of her eye. I reached for her face and wiped her cheek gently. Her tears continued but I wiped all of it.
"Thank you, Ali," she cried, "for loving me."
"Thank you din, Lily, because if not for you, I won't be here," I said back with my heart in every word.
Her lips stretched into a smile. And seeing her smile, I felt ease overtaking every worry in me.
She sniffled, her eyes finding the album again. "Let's work on that album together next time."
"Hmm..." I kissed her tummy that is growing day by day with our child inside it. "Okay."
I heard her chuckle softly at what I did. "Come on, ligpit mo muna 'yan. Lunch is ready."
I rested my chin on her stomach and looked up with a huge smile. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, sweetheart." She poked the tip of my nose gently, giving me a wink.
I stood up and held her cheeks then I kissed her. She laughed against my lips before pulling me closer. We shared that kiss in the noon light inside our home with no one bothering us.
Just us in our own world, inside our little bubble of happiness.
"Let's go before it gets cold," she said after our kiss, grabbing my hand.
"Okay."
With my other free hand, I turned to the table and closed the album. I stared at the cover of the album for a moment and the gold foiling on it.
Lily Jane and Ali.
Love may not have been what we grew up with because of our past. We were broken apart into pieces that were almost impossible to put back together. But we found each other. And with our broken pieces, we created something new, something of our own, something that can never be broken again.
We filled each other with love and cared for each other with gentle hands. And together, we created a home filled with core memories and warmth.
She completed me by holding me together with her gentle hands. So with my hands, my hands that embraced her, I'll build a home that was once just a dream of our younger selves. With my hands, I'll catch the stars to make our dreams come true. For us, and for the family we're building.
A family of me and Lily Jane, my Lily Jane.
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Thank you for the patience. Sorry ulet at nataglan akong isulat ito dahil na-burn out talaga ako after ng story na 'to. But sabi ko sa sarili ko tatapusin ko siya and now its here!
This isn't the end of LJ and Ali's story. There might be more special chapters in the future but for now, this is it.
Thank you for reading this book and for supporting it!
1/7/24
love lots,
neko