A/N: in case anyone forgot or hasn't read ATYD, Remus has dyslexia in that fic. I wasn't going to include it, but the opportunity came to me, so I said why not.
December came, Remus wished that it hadn't.
The Daily Prophet had reported a werewolf attacks after the last moon, finally giving a name to the attacks that had been stuffed between the pages for almost a year now as they became more frequent. It was harder to hide things once people started to make the connections themselves, Remus supposed, so the Daily Prophet went ahead and said it so they wouldn't look as if they were hiding the truth. Remus found himself wishing that they had lied just a little longer.
Silver flooded the castle, lining the hands, wrists, and necks of nearly everyone within it. The wolf rattled against the Gryffindor's chest, howling in pain with every subtle brush of the delicate metal against the teen's ruined skin. It begged to be released, to run, to do anything but be in a place that so clearly wanted it gone. Instead Remus just sat down next to Marlene in Care of Magical Creatures and smiled at the girl as if nothing was wrong, as if the jewelry on her skin wasn't making him sick.
But things had changed.
None of the Marauders let Remus walk the castle alone, at least one of them at the boy's side regardless of whatever stood between the two. And if it was a class where one of the other three couldn't be there, then Remus was passed off to Lily, or even Regulus when the situation allowed. Remus found himself too tired to care about the confining treatment, the beast within him cowed and taking pieces of him with it that Remus hadn't realized that he would miss.
With the silver came the whispers among the halls. The cruel things that children say when they don't realize that it matters, but it did and left Remus going between violent states of wanting to tear at his skin or everyone else's. It left him with a sense of shame that he hadn't felt for his condition in long enough that he almost forgot the sting of it.
"Why do they let them roam free? They should be locked away for everyone else's safety."
"At least more restrictions. They're monsters after all."
"Tag them."
Remus and the strange Slytherin group walked silently together amongst the voices of the rest of the school, not joining in the murmured conversations as they walked to the library, the other three Marauders at the pitch. Nails dug into the palms of Remus's hands and it took him a long time to realize that he was the one doing so, his face carefully blank as he listened to the whispers in the halls and dug them in deeper, pain swelling in a way that consumed his mind and quoted all else.
A gentle hand brushes against the Gryffindor's almost as if by accident as the scent of blood begins to fill the air. Regulus grabbed the older boy's hand, lacing their fingers together beneath the robes where it couldn't be seen and began to drag the lion away, towards the entrance of the school, the others following suit without question.
The Forbidden Forest welcomes them as if it was home, the woods as beautiful in the light of day as they are beneath a full moon night. Remus walked them with familiarity that had the others raising their brows in a silent question that none of them actually thought to speak. Remus was a Marauder after all, no matter how much time he spent with the younger students that wasn't going to change.
Even if sometimes he wished that it would, because then maybe he wouldn't have to see how they looked at him as if he was turning into a stranger. He would truly be one.
Still, he wouldn't give up the past few years for anything. They were his brothers and families grow apart, they were still family though. He always wanted them to be.
"Okay, what's up with Lupin?" Barty asks, but his voice isn't judging, there was concern hidden neatly beneath the masks that everyone within the grove always donned with everyone outside of it.
Regulus glanced at the older boy, a look that told him that it was Remus's choice as to what he wasn't to say. That it always would be. The younger boy would never know just how much that meant to the Gryffindor, not when that choice had been stolen from him so many times before.
Remus opened his mouth, the words that he could hardly ever speak to himself - but had known how to spell since he was small before he knew how to read - but it felt as if his voice had been stolen like in an old fairy tale. Except this time there was no kiss that could bring it back.
"You're a werewolf."
The voice was soft and airy, delicate as the girl who spoke it, but nothing about it was a question and never would be again.
Remus doesn't deny it, but he doesn't confirm it either. He didn't need to. The eldest boy only bows his head and waits for the verdict of the others, the decision of those that had encouraged him to seep into this part of himself over the past few months without even knowing that it was there.
Pandora stepped through the forest floor as if she had been meant to live among the trees, her hand raising gently to the older boy's face as she looked at him with those blue eyes that were always impossible to read and excruciatingly open. Light touches brushed over the silver scars, brushing over them as if they were something to be delicate within and not a source of shame.
"You look the same to me," she whispered, yet the Ravenclaws's words carried in the quiet clearing.
A tear slipped down the boy's face, the first one in years. She brushed it away with the same loving care that a sister might hold for their brother.
Dora stepped up to Remus's left, Regulud still at the older boy's right as Barty and Evan glanced at one another, their sides pressed closely together in the same manner that the other snake and lion often were.
And Evan smiles.
"I've never liked pure silver much anyways," the boy says as the pair draw closer, a small circle forming as if they were performing a ritual that only those present knew. "Too posh, even for me."
And if the Gryffindor laughed weakly at that, then that was only the business of those gathered.
Barty spoke last, a playful smirk on his face that already had Remus rolling his eyes at whatever the younger boy was going to say. "I should have seen it coming, Mr. Werewolf McWerewolf," the snake says in a falsely disappointed tone, pointing out that the older boy was named after one of the sons of the she - wolf Lupa and the wolf constellation.
"I was born a few days before a total lunar eclipse," the lion admits with a smirk of his own.
" Merlin !" Barty laughed, and the sound runs through the clearing like a broken melody that they all soon sung, surprising the Gryffindor with just how easy this was. How little the fear gripped at him the way that it had in second year.
Remus looks at the last boy and sees that smile on Regulus's face, the secret one that so few ever got to know. The wolf smiles back, something just as small and fragile, but means everything as fingers lace together as if they didn't know what it meant to be apart.
Acceptance.
That was the only emotion that the others gave to the eldest boy. In the others' eyes, Remus found none of the hesitant fear that the other Gryffindors had held upon learning the truth, none of the disgust that so many adults that had figured it out on their own without even knowing him.
He thought that this was what a family was supposed to be like.
—-
The only time that Remus had ever received mail from St. Edmund's during the school year was the obligatory Christmas present that Matorn sent each year and perhaps something small on his birthday as well if she remembered the boy at all. The letters never came in the middle of December.
This one did.
The letter was short, simple, and impersonal, just like the woman that had sent it and the place that it had come from. It was only three paragraphs long, eight sentences in total telling the boy that since wizarding law considered him to be an adult at the age of seventeen, he would not be allowed to return to St Edmund's after his birthday in early March.
Remus thought that he should feel like screaming, like crying, or filled with some sort of blinding panic at the news that he would never be able to go home again, that he wasn't wanted there, but he didn't. A particular feeling of numbness gripped at the teen, holding him down and drowning him within its depths.
St Edmund's wasn't home, it never had been one to the boy no matter how long he had spent there. Hogwarts, Remus found, wasn't quite one either, not with the tensions steadily rising and the way that a fourth of the castle acted in public as if he didn't have a right to exist among them, to practice magic at all because of his blood status, but feared him within the confines of the Slytherin common room as they were constantly reminded of just what his magic - stronger, quicker, and more natural in its destruction since getting the new wand - could do. And of what Remus could do with his fist alone.
That aside, Hogwarts could never truly be home again with the fact that all but a few wanted those like him locked away. Caged like an animal. The fact that sometimes, when the wolf tore at his skin and Remus wondered what would happen if it were to tear just a bit deeper as his bones ached, Remus wondered if they might be right.
The numbness came mostly from a feeling of hopelessness as Remus knew that once the train pulled into the station at King's Cross, he would have nowhere to go after getting off of it. Remus had always been dangerously independent, but the thought of being so completely on his own made the teen want to shut down and pretend that the letter didn't exist at all for as long as he could.
A week later, the Gryffindor boy thought that he was doing well at just that. Clearly he wasn't hiding it as well as he had thought.
Pandora found him in the library one day, her hair was done up in an intricate braid with small trinkets dangling from it at seemingly random spots, a look that garnered more than one inquiring look, all of which went steadfastly ignored as the younger girl sat down at Remus's side without saying a thing or grabbing books of her own. She let the older boy finish the thought that he was for his Transfiguration essay before gently pulling the quill from the Gryffindor's hand and setting it out of reach.
"You missed lunch," the Ravenclaw said softly, but was only met with a hum. "And dinner," the younger of the pair added.
"Sorry," the boy mumbled, but Dora didn't think that he sounded very sorry at all.
"Come on, Moons. What is it?" Pandora smiled as the boy looked up with a confused face at the use of the nickname that the Gryffindors had given him. "Got your attention," the Ravencalw added with a hint of mischief.
Remus sighed and leaned down towards his bag, flipping it open and grabbing the potions book that he had stashed the letter in knowing just how likely the other boys in his dorm would be to delve into anything from the subject during their free time. The Gryffindor handed over the letter without saying anything on the matter and the Ravencalw took it just the same.
Silence passed as Dora read it and Remus laid his head down, a new wave of helplessness consuming the teen as he had no idea what he was going to do once summer came.
Dora brushed the scars on the older boy's hand to get his attention, something that she had been doing a lot recently for reasons that the Gryffindor couldn't understand. But it never wavered from the gentleness of the first time that she had done, her fingers still grazing lightly as to reinforce the idea that they were a part of him that he couldn't shun. That he shouldn't want to do away with. It felt a lot like the night that the girls had suggested that he not cast the concealment spell.
"The Lestranges have this old cottage in Wales," Pandora said slowly. "It's beautiful there during the summer months, but with my parents growing old, and brother marrying who he did, no one has been there in over five years, and it was down even before that." Remus looks up at the girl as she explains and sees the softly pleading look in her blue eyes that were currently the color of a summer storm. "It could use someone."
And Remus thought about slamming his book closed and growling that he didn't need anyone's charity, something that he had done to some extent since first year. But unlike all of the times before when he could afford to turn down such a thing, this wasn't one. He had nowhere else to go, and he didn't want to disappoint Dora either in the same way that he so often did the other Marauders.
"Alright," Remus says just as slowly, and Dora smiles as if he truly was the one doing her a favor, not the other way around.
"We'll all come over during the summer and help fix it up."
Neither of them mention the likeliness that all of them wouldn't include Regulus, that it couldn't after what the Blacks had done when Sirius had turned sixteen. That they would do the same to Regulus, only he wouldn't be able to escape. Neither of them mentioned the path that the younger boy would be taking, the mark that could never be erased from his skin if the boy's parents had their way. They both knew, but sometimes it was easier to pretend.
—-
The winter holidays couldn't come fast enough for anyone in the castle, though Remus found them a lot less enticing this year than any other before.
"You're coming to mine for the holidays, right Monny?" James asked at breakfast two days before those that were leaving the castle were supposed to be departing.
Sirius and Peter raised their heads with interest at the question. None of them had heard Moony say any hiring about holiday plans, and the two boys didn't really think that it even needed questioning at this point. James did, and he was right to.
"I actually can't," Remus said solemnly before lowering his voice so that those around the four couldn't hear and would just think the Marauders scheming once more if they were to pay any mind at all. "With the attacks Dumbledore has strongly... suggested that I remain within the castle for my own safety."
It hadn't been a pleasant letter to receive and had left the Gryffindor pacing with an angry energy for hours until the snakes had grabbed him and dragged him back out into the spot in the woods. Some trees had suffered for it, being blown to pieces by some well placed hexes and curses, but it was better than the teen letting the anger build until he snapped at someone who could actually die from such a thing.
"Well that's bollocks," Sirius cursed, angry on the other boy's behalf, but Remus wondered if he really was. Things had been tense since the end of last year and any ear that they might have found with one another was set back once more when Reg had shown up at Gryffindor Tower the month before. Remus knew exactly how the other boy felt about his younger brother, or at least how he insisted that he did.
"He can't keep you locked up forever," Peter said, eagerly joining the conversation once more.
"No," Remus agreed, more to himself than the others, "he can't."
But what they didn't know was that the wolf didn't think that the Headmaster planned on doing so. What use was a pet wolf if you were just going to keep it chained during a war that had them on the other side. It was more a matter of waiting for when Dumbledore wanted his used, not if. Remus would be little more than a dirty secret until then, and the thought of it all made him sick.
"So you're coming to mine then?" James asked, the grin of his - wide and brilliant in ways that Remus could never hope to be - making an appearance.
But Remus only shook his head no.
"I wouldn't be allowed to even get on the train, and it's not bothering your parents to fight it when we all know Dumbledore won't change his mind."
I'm not worth it , the wolf thought, and for a second he wondered if the others could read it on his face as well.
"I just don't want you alone on Christmas," James said sadly, seeing that for once he had truly lost. Sometime when Remus was truly feeling bitter with the boy before him - the one who had always had everything that he didn't - he would wonder what such a look of defeat would be like on the other's face. Seeing it now, and for his sake no less, Remus decided that he didn't like it at all.
"I could stay."
Three heads turn sharply to look at the fourth boy, and Sirius just shrugged as if it was nothing. And it was because there was no way in hell that Remus was letting it happen.
"No," the word was hard, leaving no room for question but the other boys.
Sirius seemed to find it still.
"Why not?" The other boy whined like the animal that he turned into.
But Remus didn't know how to explain it. He didn't know how to put words to the way that it hurt to be alone in the same room as the other boy and remember how much he had cared for him before and to feel that absence now as Remus looked at him as he might any of the other Marauders. And he couldn't voice how half the time when the other teen moved just right, or when his hair was in messy tangles after a shower that almost looked like coils, when he smiled in just the right way Remus didn't see Sirius but someone just across the Great Hall.
"Just no."
Remus stood and left the Great Hall, none of them noticed the dark haired boy that soon followed after.
—-
Regulus found the Gryffindor in the Charms classroom, chalk in his hand as the older boy began writing out what appeared to be a list of topics that they were going to be covering during the study group that the lion normally held after lunch on Saturdays. He didn't bother announcing his presence, he knew that the other boy could hear him coming from a good while away, and instead just stepped up behind the older boy and slipped the chalk out of Remus's fingers. Remus sighed at the familiarity of such a thing as the younger boy moved to his side.
"You're angry writing again," the snake observed, erasing a sentence or two that had come out just jumbled enough that he could still read what it was supposed to be and rewrote it with the correct spelling.
Regulus didn't ask why, he knew that Remus would tell him if he wanted to, about both the reason for his anger and the effect that the change in concreation had on how the older boy wrote.
"Dumbledore is making me stay at the castle over the holidays," the lion explained tiredly, and Regulus could see now that the anger was that of an animal trapped in its cage as all of the others got to leave it.
"I could stay."
It was the exact same words that the older Black had spoken not even half an hour before and yet Remus felt how his reaction to them was completely different, though it always was where the Black brothers were involved. Before, there had been anger and fear if he were to be honest, now there was only concern and a selfish hope.
"Your parents would never let you," Remus protested, though he worried that his eyes gave away just how much he wanted this. Creatures like him never got what they wanted once others knew that they did.
"I'll tell them that I'm staying to study for my OWLs," the younger boy decided, "even they have to admit that the Hogwarts library is better equipped for the exams."
"Sneaky snake," Remus said, but there was affection there and Regulus fought back a smile at the name, but the older boy could see a dimple there.
Times like this reminded him that lying wasn't always a bad thing.
—-
Two days later Remus found himself standing outside the castle with the Marauders so he could bid them goodbye before they left to board the train.
James smiled in a shaky way as he looked at the taller boy silhouetted against Hogwarts. Remus was dressed as he usually did these days, all dark colors and hard angles, piercings and clothes that made him look impossibly muggle. He had thought that this would wear off by now and the other would go back to the Remus of last year, but the scars had been on display for almost nearly as long and the bruises on the other boy's knuckles never seemed to fade. Sometimes it was hard to look at him and remember that this was the same boy from before the incident.
But then he smiled.
"Have a Happy Christmas you lot," the tallest boy said, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans. And if the smile was a little more wolfish than it used to be, then it was James's problem if that made him uncomfortable.
Sirius was about to open his mouth to force out some pleasantries when four familiar figures bounded over, invading their little group as if they had the right to. It made the animal in him want to snarl.
The two boys, Barty and Rosier hung off of Remus's shoulders, mischief in their eyes as they laughed at the way that Moony growled at them each in turn but didn't force away the touch. Sirius wanted to growl too, but the two fifth years left, sure that their friends would follow.
Next came the blonde girl that was always close to Remus when the Marauders weren't, enough that the boy sometimes came back to the dorm room smelling of her and someone else. Lestrange ghosted a featherlight touch over Remus's hand and gave the boy a soft smile that looked almost intimate in a way that Remus wasn't with the Marauders. With them he was never one for touch, it seemed to Sirius that with this lot he couldn't get enough. Lestrange glided away with the soft steps of a forest creature instead of a witch.
"You gonna do some kind of strange ritual goodbye too?" Sirius snarked as the last of the group stepped forwards and stood close at Moony's like the eldest Black might once have had the timing been right.
"Don't have to," Regulus replied, speaking and shrugging in a manner that would have made their mother scream bloody murder had she seen it.
Sirius almost felt proud until he remembered who he was talking to.
"And why in Merlin's name is that?" The eldest Black brother asked crudely, earning himself a glare from both James and Remus and causing Peter to shift uncomfortably at the scene.
"I'm staying at Hogwarts over the break," the younger boy explained boredly.
Sirius balked at his brother, wondering why anyone would subject themselves to such a thing as being alone the entire holiday. But then he remembered that Remus was staying as well and felt something coiling in his chest.
"What, did Mother finally get tired of you biting at her heels begging for affection?" Sirius said harshly, the beast beneath his skin bearing its teeth. Or maybe it was just the eldest Black doing so.
Remus looked at James and Prongs seemed to understand exactly what was being asked of him in that second and started leading the older Black brother away, not bothering to hide the disappointment that he felt with the boy.
Walking away, Sirius had a vision of Remus and Regulus in the library all holiday with books piled around the pair. He could not have been farther from the truth.
—-
All of the Gryffindors and Slytherins had gone home for the holiday except for Remus and Regulus. It was as if they had the entire castle to themselves - they didn't quite, there were still two Ravenclaws roaming about somewhere.
Remus smiled as the pair walked back into the castle, sides pressed against one another like some sort of promise that neither knew.
The castle was cold from the winter, the stones cool to the touch in a way that they only were this time of year. It was worse still in the dungeons, where some days students' breaths came out in little white puffs that always reminded the lion of cigarette smoke, but it was always gone before it could curl in the air. Remus led them to Gryffindor Tower instead and laughed at the horrified expression that the other boy still held each time that he stepped inside of it.
"So this is where dignity comes to die," the younger teen said, but there was no malice in his voice.
Remus smirks. "You should see it when everyone is stumbling around drunk during the house parties," the older boy says, the smirk deepening. "There is absolutely no dignity then."
And when Regulus laughs, Remus thinks that it might be his favorite sound.
The pair spent the rest of the day until it was time to go to dinner playing exploding snap and every other loud wizarding game that would never be played in the Black household, but the Potter home drowned in. And when they came back, the pair sat down on one of the couches, leaning into the warmth of the fire and into each other, the silent thing between them always more prominent when they were alone.
Regulus's eyes shined like silver in the firelight, bright and dangerous- something that could hurt, and Remus thought that he would let him do so. That any pain would be worth it.
The younger teen's hand grasped the wolf's cheek, fingers gliding over the scars there. Where Dora was soft in her touches, Regulus was firm - a sculptor molding his clay. Remus's heart was breathing faster and faster with every purposeful touch, coming so completely undone that he wouldn't have been able to speak if he wanted as the other boy touched him as if he was something to be admired, to be held reverently.
Remus reached for the other desperately, a scarred hand tugging at the back of a pale neck, the owner of which was more beautiful to the wolf than words could say. Lips brushed together feverishly as the moon and the star crashed together, two beings made out of the same cosmic dust.
The world finally burned.