I look at him, not knowing what to say, my mouth opening and closing as I go mute.
At this point I can't even try to pretend. He can see right through me and I hate it.
- Please tell me.
I can see he's trying to sound calm but his eyes don't lie.
- You still don't trust me? He asks quietly.
If only it was about that. He is watching me, waiting for my answer. And it pains me, it does pain me that I can't tell him.
- I went to talk to him yesterday, in the prison, I still say.
- Why? He gets closer, still looking in my eyes.
- I thought he would trust me more. Being new to all of this. If he doesn't trust the royal families like he says, he might trust me.
At that I lower my eyes. I'm a bad liar, I've always been and not being able to hold his gaze won't help.
Even if I wasn't lying, I don't think I could look at him for too long. His eyes are so deep and...
- You're a part of the royal families too, he tells me.
- You know I'll never be like you Chase. I was born in a different environment; nobody will ever completely trust me.
I take a step back and cross his confused gaze.
- Have you asked yourself why nobody could find me before ? Why didn't my mom hide me in another palace? She chose the far end of this country. Even after the evil king disappeared, my uncle only came to search for me 16 years after that. On top of that my two parents died a few months after the dark war. It all seems so... strange to me and I have all of these questions that nobody can answer. Or wants to.
- I get it. But you can trust me Roese, he gets closer. I trust you.
He breathes out and asks:
- Did you know that guy? Did you know him from before, were you like...
- What? No, of course no. I don't know him, Chase, I shake my head, frowning.
- Good, he whispers. What did you talk about? he asks, looking in my eyes, searching for the answer.
He almost feels vulnerable in this moment like he is putting all of his trust in me. My stomach twists from the thought of breaking it. But I can't tell him, he can't know.
- I asked him the same things they asked him during the interrogatory.
- What did he say? he gets even closer.
I look once at my fidgeting hands before looking up at him again.
- He said he didn't lie. That everything he said was true.
- What else?
- Nothing.
- Roese...
He understands well enough that I'm not telling him everything.
- I...
- Were you the one who helped him escape?
My heart skips a beat. Why would he assume that with what I just told him? Is it that obvious that I could be the one who did it? He doesn't know my secret so why would he have any reason to think that?
- What?
- You heard me.
And he has gotten so close I can't concentrate anymore. He smells good, like a comforting smell. From up so close his eyes look like warm honey. I didn't notice it before but they are lighter than I thought.
Either way, he already knows. I trust him, at least I'd like too.
I close my eyes, afraid of his reaction and finally admit it.
- I did.
- Why?
- I can't tell you; I sigh.
I realize I have been holding my breath this whole time. My heart is thumping really fast in my chest. I open my eyes to see his confused but also disappointed face.
- That's not an answer, he steps back abruptly. Why can't you tell me?
I take a big breath and suddenly feel colder when he is so far from me. Is he going to tell the others?
- Because Chase. I can't tell you; you just need to trust me.
- I'm finding it a little hard when you lie to me.
- I'm not lying to you ! I'm just not telling you things...I admitted I let him go. You can tell everybody now, I say a little louder, throwing my hands in the air.
He looks at me for a minute, not saying anything. Studying me. I bet he's asking himself why did he ever tried to trust me. I can understand, I don't even know why I did myself.
And here I have been wondering if I could trust him.
- You know I would never do that, he finally says, shaking his head.
He pauses again and then asks, carefully:
- Do you not trust me?
- I do.
I think I really do now. I trust him. But it's not enough.
- Then tell me.
- Gosh Chase this isn't about you! I just can't tell you, I start to get mad.
Mostly at myself and at the circumstances that brought me there.
- Maybe they were right! He gets angry too. Maybe we can't actually trust you. You might be keeping secrets from us; he points a finger towards me.
I can't do this anymore. I might risk my life if I tell him everything. As long as I'm not sure of who I am and what I can actually do, I don't think I can tell him my secret.
What will I tell him?
You know what? It's true. My secret is that I can do things that nobody else can. I can stole keys with my mind and push people who are ten times stronger than me without even touching them. You don't believe me? Here let me show you: oh wait, I can't actually, I don't know how to do it again.
You think I'm crazy? I wonder about it too...
So, I take the easy way out. I avoid this conversation.
I storm out of the room. All the others must have gone home because the hall is empty. I walk fast towards the hall and then I open the front door.
- God dammit! I hear Chase swear to himself.
I hear steps being me, accelerating and finally he reaches me and he catches me by the arm.
I have no choice but to turn around and face him.
- Please wait, he instantly let's go of me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.
- You said it, I feel tears starting to slowly fill my eyes. And you are right.
I hate that I get emotional right now. I guess it hurts to be confronted to the truth and to what people really think.
He carefully cups my face with his hands and I am so surprised I instantly stop tearing.
- I'm sorry. I don't mean that, he looks at me in the eyes.
- I want to tell you Chase, I wish I could tell everybody. But I just... can't.
He closes his eyes, breaths in and then says:
- Fine. I'll wait. I'll wait until you can tell me everything. Until you don't fear what I might say if you tell me the truth. But promise one day you will tell me.
- I promise, I sniff.
And mean it. I hope one day I get to tell him everything that is happening and who I am. I wish one day I'll stop living in secrets and with this weight of fear, loneliness and incomprehension in my stomach.
Our faces are so close now. I wouldn't like for it to be any different. My breathing and my heart calmed down and I have to say, I haven't felt this safe in a very long time.
It feels strange. But it also feels good.
My gaze shifts from his eyes to his lips once. But it's enough for this new feeling in me to awaken. It's thrilling, it's scary, it's new.
He watches me, still so close.
I hear the carriage of my uncle arriving and it's all I need to step back instantly.
Chase hears it too.
- I think I'll get going, he puts his hand through his hair.
- Chase, I call after him, before he leaves.
- Hum?
- Thank you, I smile at him.
A bright smile covers his face and before he walks away, he winks at me.
Did he just...Chase Baron just winked?
I chuckle and watch him walk away.
I sit down on the stairs and decide to wait for Uncle Jacob. The birds are chirping while I watch the sky, with clouds here and there taking forms in my imagination
After a minute of waiting, he appears in front of me walking with his head bend down, troubled with thoughts.
- How was it? I ask about the meeting.
- Bad, he sighs and sits down next to me. They think one of his friends set him free. They want to search in the whole city for them. They are going to search people's houses.
- I don't think doubting people will make all of this better, I look at him and say.
- Well, this is kind of your fault. Since you were the "friend" who set him free, he looks at me accusingly.
- I...
- You can't lie Roese. Quit acting offended or surprised. It was you. What did he offer you? Did he say he would help you to know more about who you are?
- How do you know that? I frown.
How does everybody seem to know I did it? How can it be so obvious ? I'm kind of offended now.
- Because I heard him say it to you.
- I don't get it, I say. You've been listening to me?
If he knew along why ask me? Has he been listening to our whole conversation?
- I know Roese. I've been trying to protect you. I knew it since all this weird stuff has been happening. There are things that you can't possibly imagine, about what you can do.
He stops and watches me, waiting for it to sink in. He knows? He knows. He can't possibly know everything but still, he seems pretty serious right now.
- You know, I repeat apprehensively.
- Yes, he nods.
He doesn't look angry about it or even scared of me. He speaks carefully but without an ounce of fear or incomprehension in his voice. What if he has always known?
- But I need to be the only one do you understand, he warns me. Nobody has to know. Magic is feared by all the leaders. They could doubt you are the real princess or tell nonsense about you.
- Like what? I ask.
- They may believe things that are false about people with magic and feel threatened, he explains. I'll help you Roese. You need to control this surge of power inside of you because it will only grow stronger.
- How do you know about all of this? Aren't you scared of me? I dare ask.
- Of course, not darling. How could I be? I know how to deal with it. It's not the first time it happened.
At this, my head that I had been holding down, scared of his reaction, jerks up. I meet is warm gaze and even though I'm careful with whom I trust, even with Uncle Jacob, I feel safe. He knows my secret.
- Do you know someone else like me? I ask, eager to know the answer.
If there's someone out there who can do the same things as me, that could change everything.
- I used to honey. Only at the time I didn't know what to do to help her. Now I do.
- You used to? Is that person... dead?
- Unfortunately, yes. But she was just like you.
- Who was she?
But as I ask, I already have the answer. Who else could it be? Of course it's her.
- It was Keira Elin. I'm talking about your mother Roese.
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Well, well, well, Uncle Jacob seems to know more then we thought.
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