You're watching right? Or have you cast your eyes away from me. Have my deeds cost me so much, and if so what are my deeds? Being born seems so cruel a thing to do because it wasn't consented. If I knew this would be my fate would I have ever desired to exist? And yet your word says you never do a thing without a thought.
What then did you think of before getting up to make me and place me in this world? What am I to achieve with a drunkard of a father and a silent mother? What am I to achieve if I'm to lose my sister in the process? I ask of you to relieve me of my sufferings, O Lord.
If I was to exist far back in the time of King David would I have written a book like David or cried out to the Lord as Job did for my misfortune? Each page will be filled with my sorrows until the Lord delivers me. Or maybe my words would be lost to the ages. Either way my thoughts resemble that of a person who is about to give up, if not already has.
Our drive to the hospital was quick despite the traffic we met on the way. Ikenna manoeuvered carelessly around slow kekes, hasty motorbike drivers and big lorries. Although it was quick it felt like forever, looking out the window at the hawkers on the street, wondering what misfortune landed them there or if it was just to earn extra cash. Picking on my nails as my eyes accessed the messy state of the car which contained the remains of whatever late night adventure my dad went on.
Yet nothing could undo the knots folding in my tummy, anxiety overclouding my sense of reasoning slowly.
“These are the prescribed drugs to buy for her. The Pharmacy is just next to this main hospital building,"said the doctor. He tore out a paper with jumbled up words written lazily on it before giving it to my brother.
Ikenna sniffed silently again as he collected it. “Is she awake? How is she doing? Are you sure…are you sure it was…”
“Attempted suicide?” The doctor offered. He set his pen down. “Most people refuse to understand the extremity of willingly trying to unalive oneself but I'll ask that you let the fact sink in so that we can progress to aiding her effectively. She's a young adolescent whom I presume was pressured or thought to herself this was her next option. Not to pry.”
I sat silently, my uniform shirt feeling a bit too tight around my neck with my hands picking on the edge of my skirt that was fraying. I just want to see my sister.
“And you can see her later, miss…?”
“Huh?”
“You said something.”
It was then I realized that I voiced my desires out loud. Immediately my eyes casted down to watch the tiles instead. “Never mind.”
Ikenna held my hand on our way out of the doctor's office where we met many others sitting patiently to see the doctor.
To have the lives of many, and an immense amount of hope on you must be such a heavy burden to bear.
And then the thought struck me.
God has the lives of essentially every being in his care, the people cry out agonizingly, praying, shouting their desires, hoping on him without seeing, having Faith. Might that be a heavy burden on God himself? Imagine the pain he feels when his children turn their eyes away from him and blame him for their misfortunes. Doesn't the Lord grieve for us?
I suddenly felt like a whining baby.
Ikenna left me on a bench outside to go buy snacks for us. I turned my head around when I heard my name being called from afar but didn't find anyone coming towards me until the voice called out to me and this time the face was familiar.
Disregarding the watchful gazes around me I ran to embrace my mother, not caring for the why or how she's here in the first place. In her arms I cried like a baby who was abandoned. She did abandon us, I feared that she was fed up and wouldn't return. She in return guided us to a less occupied area. Her eyes were puffy, letting me know that she had had her own share of shedding tears.
In my head I vowed not to cry about my circumstance again, not to worry and not to blame God—I subconsciously did so. Instead I would try to find a positive thing about each day and not knowing how, find my way back to God again.
“Have you eaten?” She asked.
“What do you want to eat?” It was then that I noticed the young man standing beside my mother, holding a bag for her. My eyes immediately went back to my mother.
“Who's this?”
“He's my friend. Now where's Ike? How is your sister? I want to go and speak to the doctor.”
I still had many questions.
My mother let go of me as she and her friend whispered to themselves. Ike returned soon after with a bottle of RC cola and digestive biscuit in hand. He didn't seem too surprised to see Mom, mostly relieved. The three of them spoke, leaving me out of whatever they were planning.
Mom left with her friend to discuss with the doctor about leaving the hospital with Lael today. Their plan was to head to the pharmacy, get the medicines then leave. Ikenna was busy trying to get hold of a number who wasn't answering.
Meanwhile I was wondering why the topic of her attempted suicide didn't come up. Are we going to disregard it? What's so important that we have to leave in a rush? An uneasy feeling came over me when her friend returned with the prescribed medicine.
“Your mom is signing papers. I'm going to bring my car so we leave. Where are you going to drop off your own car?” He asked Ike.
“Ike, what's going on?”
“Wait,” he turned back to the man. “I was thinking I'll drop it off at the entrance then come and meet you guys.”
That uneasy feeling started creeping up my body when I saw Lael being pushed on a wheelchair. My mom thanked the nurse after they had successfully placed her unconscious body in the car.
All was settled except I was still standing, watching, trying to figure out what's right and what's not, for a strange reason.
“Get in Sinobi, we've to be quick to beat traffic.” My mom peered her head out the window. “Hurry.”
“Where are we going?”
“I'll explain on the way. Trust me.”
And I did.
Even though everything about what we were doing felt wrong.
Even though we kept driving farther and farther away from Idi Ishin and its environs while Ike did a U-turn to a different location, probably to drop the car.
I just worried for my little sister whose head laid a lump on my shoulders.
Something strongly told me that she didn't try to commit suicide. That thing made the wait for her to wake up and explain herself tiring.
Amidst the drive I did my best to ignore the vibration of my phone in my school bag. The clouds have just become dark so surely a few friends of mine were trying to reach out to me, but when the call was insistent I decided to check it out hastily.
“Hello?” Kenneth's voice came through from the other end, causing my heart to skip a beat unconsciously. I wasn't ready to hear from him, especially given the circumstances.
Hence I did what I saw best at the time.
I put my phone on airplane mode before putting it back on do not disturb mode.
I've far more important things to worry about and things to get back on track. There's no room for a budding crush in my story.
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𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫!
I appreciate everyone who has taken their time to acknowledge my work, for their vote and comments. Not only on this book but my completed work (Walking the Right Path)
Any thoughts on the pace of the story?