A True Look Of Love, One.
❝ Second Encounter. ❞
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It was a beautiful sunny morning out, too bad I wasn't there to enjoy it. I was a cancer patient for almost my whole life which means I've been trapped in here all the time.
Humans.
I once envied and loved them, I loved the fact that they could love. I once loved love but that is the thing I despise the most.
Love doesn't exist, even parents love, it always fades away.
No matter how much me crave it, no matter how good we are to our partners.
They'll leave.
Everyone is my life that I once loved, faded away. I always thought that they would change.
But that's not true.
Wake up.
The world isn't a real place.
It's hell.
Earth once used to be a loved and happy place that was soon destroyed by people and their selfishness.
The humans that I despised.
And still do, no matter how much love we put out there we'll never get it back.
I'd rather be lonely then be with people who make me feel alone.
I'm never loving again, heck! I'm never living again. Yes I'm alive, but that's no way of living.
Something I wondered was what did we do to suffer so much? What type of sins did we do to make us suffer like this? Did we deserve it? No, no we don't.
My life was already ruined the time I heard I had cancer but it got even worse when my mom had heard the news about me having cancer.
She broke down, she wasn't able to comprehend anything. She begged to 'fix' me, but we were already poor. So she tried her hardest to work extra jobs, no matter how much I tried to stop her.
But from her working 24/7 made her lose sleep and would spend her days and nights working. She had about 7 jobs but her being late to her jobs and making mistakes all the time made her lose her main jobs.
She ended up bankrupt and dying since she also had some problems herself but ignored that for the sake of me.
She died because of me.
People always told me to not blame myself but what else could I do other then not blame myself? My body shivered at the thought. A few tears rolled down my pale and skinny cheeks. It was kind of chilly so I hugged myself. What did I do to deserve this? I asked myself this every night.
Every.
Single.
Night.
I was always nice to the cats, dogs, animals, I was nice to everyone and everything. Even if they made fun of me being pale and ugly. More tears sprung down my cheek. I had no one. And the reality was hitting.
I hated this place, and I hated myself. I tried so hard in school so I can make my mom proud, and show her that I was more than a burden. But she wasn't even here to see it.
She left.
She promised me that she wouldn't, but it makes it even worse that she left this worl– hell because of me.
I wanted to be in NASA, but I couldn't even get into college.
How pathetic. I didn't have anything to live for. Even my own 'family' left me one by one. My dad, cousins, my own sister... Heck! I can't even call her my sister.
What kind of shitty sister leaves her in critical position!?
my happiness is all gone, all I do is stay in this shitty hospital. Why can't I be normal? I asked again. What did I do so bad in my past life that I'm suffering so much here!?
I finally couldn't hold it in anymore, I let myself sob and let out all the tears, it felt good somehow, I suppose it's because I haven't been able to cry for the past month.
My lips quiver. I was tired of everything, even the simplest things like, waking up. I hated waking up knowing I wouldn't be able to do anything other then rotting in this bed. I hated opening my eyes. I hated realizing that I have to continue to live on this hell of a earth.
You can't switch chapters, that's not how life works. You have to read every line, meet every character. You won't enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks. You will read things you don't want to. You will have moments that you don't want to end. But you will have to keep going. Stories keep the world revolving. Live yours.
But it was different for me. All my pages were worn out.
The cover is tearing, the ink is fading.
Was it really worth for me to live?
The only thing I liked was sleeping, it made everything disappear. It was just me again in this room, it was sort of peaceful. Keyword: sort of.
Today was the same thing, I wake up, now I wait for the disgusting food to arrive. I sigh bitterly.
I hear the door creak open. I look up expecting to see the nurse holding my medicine and food, but except,
it wasn't.
My breath gets tangled in my throat. I feel my heart beating an unusual beat.
I tense up and I go even more pale. (if that was even possible.) My body froze as I quickly wiped my teary eyes that were stuck to my eyelashes. It was...
"J-jungwon?"
I mutter out just so quietly that it came out shaky and uneven. In a swift the boy looks up and his eyes shoot open.
I can feel myself being nauseous, my breath unstable.
"A-akira?"
The too-familiar boy said, scanning me. It really was, Jungwon. A boy from my old highschool but he wasn't just a random boy, he wasn't a bully, but he was the only one who stood up for me. He was the only one who helped me when my I was getting bullied.
He helped me when I was at my lowest point. God knows what would of have happened if he hadn't been there. I probably would of been dead.
-Flash backs-
I panted hardly as I sat on the rainy, cold roof of the school. Dark, cold, blood dripping from my nose. I wiped my tears that were mixed up with the rain. I curl up and sniffled into my knees, comforting myself.
It hurt so fucking much.
Why? Why did they do it? I never did anything to them I just tried to live. Oh, because I'm ugly and pale, how is it affecting them in any way? If anything it affected me. I sob harder into my knees. I wipe my bloody nose and shut my eyes hard, wishing if I just squeezed them hard enough everything will disappear.
I could still feel them beating me up and cutting my arms with razors as if there weren't already enough scars. They went so far as throwing bricks on me. I shivered and hugged my knees harder.
The pain was unbearable.
I lay my head back into the wall, letting myself sob freely because of the harsh rain and wind roaring. I liked crying in the rain because then, nobody would know I was crying.
I finally get up weakly, my knees bruised harshly. I stumbled over to edge and sat down. My arms covered with scars, my face bruised up so badly I could pass as a dead person, my hair dripping with water mixed with blood.
I dangled my feet over the edge like it was a funny game. I chuckle just the slightest.
"Never in my life did I think I would be ending it like this," I chuckle again. "I guess life really does take turns. "Welp, there goes my dream of living a quiet peaceful life with my husband." I look down at the edge again, sighing at last.
I drag myself up and stand over the clif, the weather portraying my emotions. Hard, cold, wind thrashing against my body almost pushing me back. Like it was trying to save me. I chuckled half-heartedly, as if. It's probably trying to get rid of me faster.
I wipe my eyes again.
I felt numb.
My fatal flaw.
The pain, I got used too, but nothing compared to when I had found out my mom had died because of me. I hated being a burden in the first place, my mom devoted her life to me and I returned it by killing her.
My heart physically felt like it was hurting. My chest feels heavy as I feel more tears swelling up. The clench my fists to the point they turned white. I take in a deep breath and get ready to jump—
"AKIRA!" I suddenly feel a strong force harshly pull me back. I was immediately met with a harsh reunion with the floor, instead this time it wasn't directly the floor. I had landed on somebody's chest. My eyes widend and in a swift I look down to see who it was and of course. It was, Jungwon.
"Those fuckers, they did this right!?" He asked—no, Commanded, with a glare that could kill. I scoff and push away from him. I stand up on my knees that were threatening to give up at any moment.
"Let me die for fucks sake! I don't want to live like this anymore!" I sob, not because of sadness, because of frustration and anger. Once I finally get the nerves to jump he stops me, once again.
Who the hell is he even to stop me, fuck this shit.
I just wanted this pain to end. Is it that wrong? I'm such a selfish daughter.
I wondered if I just kill myself maybe my sins would be washed out.
Maybe finally I'll be able to not be selfish.
Maybe then people would finally feel regret and sad for leaving me out in a hell like this.
Is it that wrong to wish for it to go away?
"Akira. Did. They. Do. This?" He asked sternly, his bangs hiding his wistful look. The rain drenching both of us.
"Isn't it fucking obvious!?"
He sighs heavily as I burst into tears. He stood up as I shook and cried. I Covered my face with my hands, sobbing as hard as I could. Suddenly I felt warmth on me.
He hesitantly pulled me in a hug, wrapping his arms around me and transferring his warmth onto my cold, almost lifeless body.
"Akira." he removed my hands from my face and cupped my face, wiping the tears.
"I won't let them do this to you, ever again."
"Promise?" I ask.
"Promise."
He shrugged off his hoodie and slid it on me, patting my back and Holding me close to him.
"Let's go to the nurses office and let me deal with them okay?" I sniffled.
"Okay . . ." I barely managed to squeak out, I was lucky he was listening so attentively otherwise he wouldn't of heard anything.
-flash backs end-
He was my only friend... I didn't expect to see him here. I wanted to crawl into a cave and just die. I didn't want him to see me like this, pale and skinny. I rolled my eyes.
"Why are you here?" I asked plainly. No sense of humor. I didn't want to see him, it was a reminder of what hell I went through, he reminded me of my past that I tried so hard to bury deep inside my brain.
He just chuckled.
Dimples.
he still has those same sparkling eyes and dimples.
"Wow, you're still cranky as ever," He mumbled, Eyeing me.
"Yeah well, it's hard to not be cranky when I'm stuck in this stupid hospital 24/7 not knowing if I'll ever get out alive," His smile immediately faded, and he just awkwardly cleared his throat.
"That still doesn't answer my question, why are you here? You look fine to me," I repeated. He looked back up almost like he was trying to ignore the thing that I asked.
"I have cancer."
As soon as those three words left his mouth my eyes widened as I felt my heart drop to my stomach. I felt my chest heave up and down, guilt eating me up alive. The uneasy feeling spreading all over my body.
"Oh my god!—"
"It's okay, I'm on stage one. they catched it fast so I should be fine." He answered it so casually like it wasn't a big deal.
That still doesn't help me feel less shitty. Why did I have to be so moody? I can't believe Jungwon also has cancer. I sigh. Since when did he have it? I wanted to ask so many questions but I had already asked such a personal question that I didn't want to continue.
Soon enough the nurse enters the door, she looked a little surprised but soon enough she smiles, not a happy smile, a smile of pity. God, I hated that.
"Oh Jungwon! looks like you found your room, this is Akira,"
She points at me.
"I know."
Jungwon replied. The nurse seemed a little shocked.
"Oh well, that's great! You guys are the same age, you'll get along super well. I can just feel it. Anyway, let me show you where you will be sleeping."
The nurse pointed to the bed next to mine, no one was in the bed next to mine because they all kept on asking to switch rooms.
Rude jerks.
Jungwon nodded and sat down on his bed, still embarrassed from the little interaction we had a few minutes ago.
He scratched his nape and cleared his throat. Then the nurse turns over to me and carries the food tray over with my medicine. she faintly smiles at me and puts down the tray on my lap.
"So Akira, how have you been?" She asked, she knew damn well that I was on the verge of killing myself. I always hated her. She was always too nice, weirdly nice. I always felt off about her. I slightly rolled my eyes and huffed. She was like one of those popular girls who would pretend to be nice to you, but really, they would talk shit about you behind your back.
"What do you think?" I mumbled. Her and Jungwon jerked up.
"Hm, what was that?" She asked with a clearly sarcastic smile. I clear my throat, embarrassed that she caught my mumble.
"Nothing, you can uh— go now. I'll take my medicine." I say, holding up the medicine and shaking the bottle. this was embarrassing.
"Alright sure, just make sure to not try to jump off again," she chuckles, making my stomach churn at her cruel words. Of course she says it in front of Jungwon. My lips slightly part, I was not that shocked to say at last.
My face turns red as she's leaves. I look over to Jungwon and he seems mildly shocked. He fluttered his eyes before hesitantly asking.
"What she said, is it true . . . ?"
He asked, not too sure if he said the Right thing. I scoff.
"Yeah, but it's not that surprising to me honestly. Like who would not try to kill themselves if they had cancer?"
"I wouldn't." He said silently.
Silence creeped up as the already awkward atmosphere got even more awkward. I cleared my throat and scratched my nape.
"Soo," I said trying to change the topic. "What are your plans while you stay here...?"
"Just try to get out of here as fast as I can, I guess." He said sitting down his bed.
"Why? because I'm too weird or is it because—"
"Wow, you are really quick to jump to conclusions," he says, cutting me off.
"I never said I didn't want to be next to you, I'd say I actually do like being next to you." He smiles. I furrowed my eyebrows and scanned him. At last I just scoffed.
"As if."
He lets out a silent chuckle. "Wow you're still the same Akira that I remember."
"What? Did you expect me to change?—"
"Gosh," he cut me off again. "you really gotta stop with that."
I rolled my eyes and sunk back into my bed, admiring the view outside, so peaceful.
It was silent. Not an awkward one but a comfortable one. Jungwon just scrolled through his phone and I just looked out the window. So peaceful— not for long though...
Little did I know that this was just the beginning.
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GUYSS, I KNOW THAT THIS IS A REALLY SHITTY FIRST CHAPTER💀 BUT TRUST ME IT GETS INTERESTING AND NOT BORING! (At least I'd hope so😭) Btw, tell me if u want this to be a sad or a short book! (◍•ᴗ•◍)💕