When Alex had dropped off Youngbin back at his house last night, somehow long past midnight, he'd promised him that he'd be back again, just the next day, and pick him up a second time.
Naturally, Alex had kept his promise, and he drove Lani's car down Youngbin's clean and proper neighbourhood, a bag of newly bought hair dye lying on the backseat. They'd planned to get a drink at Neverland, then drive by Alex' place and do unspeakable horrors to Youngbin's beautifully healthy hair. Alex, in all honesty, had never been more excited for anything in his life.
He'd done Margo's hair before, had in fact been dying her hair neon pink for ages, he'd done the dark blue money pieces in Lani's hair, and one time, long ago, he'd also given Leia a platinum blonde streak, though she'd gone over that with cheap black box dye a couple of months ago.
However, there was something about dying Youngbin's hair specifically. Maybe he'd gain a little more confidence with a fresh coat of paint, and that thought, Youngbin feeling happy in his skin, was worth more than anything else.
Or maybe, the truth was that Alex had been yearning to touch Youngbin's soft, fluffy, wavy hair for a little too long now, and now he'd finally get the chance to do so. A selfish reason, maybe, but when was Alex not acting selfish?
Last night's storm had left large puddles on the side of the road, dirty cars, drowning plants in stone front yards, and a sky that was still cloudy, grey, and rather depressing to most people. Alex wasn't bothered. He was above letting the colour of the clouds dictate his mood.
Plus, Neverland was always the kind of place that looked sunny. He'd been there during the deepest darkest winter and still walked out refreshed and awake. Maybe it was the warm lights and pastel colours, maybe the fact that the windows were always covered up with curtains to shut out storm, weather and the end of the world, or perhaps the trio of absolute sunshines that ran this place were at fault.
Either way, Neverland was quite literally a safe space, and Alex was weirdly giddy about bringing Youngbin there once more.
Of course, they'd been there before, on the very same day they had met. Almost a full month ago. A month. How fast the time had gone by. How much they had changed. Together, that was, as a duo, as fake boyfriends, as friends. When they had met up at Neverland that day, it was to discuss their plans and their boundaries and their expectations. Their acting. And now? Alex just wanted to have a good time with him. That was it. Alex had simply invited Youngbin because he wanted to spend time with his friend.
He had to repeat that word in his head a little more lately. So he wouldn't get any strange ideas. To Alex' dismay, the little fly that was a silly meaningless crush was still circling his head, day and night, with a buzz that could become awfully loud at times. So, he told himself again and again, the two really were just friends, no matter what they were pretending to be in front of everyone else. And it'd stay that way. It had to. Because last time he'd let this crushing on a friend bullshit get to his head, Leia happened. And it was not going to be like this with Youngbin. He wouldn't let that happen.
Maybe a silly little afternoon tea date and a subsequent strangely intimate hair dying session wasn't the greatest way to not let anything happen though. Alex sighed, and parked his car regardless, this time right in front of Youngbin's house. He got out, brushed some dust he wasn't sure actually existed from his jeans, then made his way along the neatly kept front lawn towards the front door.
He rang the doorbell, and nearly instantly, the door opened. In front of him wasn't Youngbin, but rather someone equally, if not more excited. A large smile with a tooth gap welcomed him, along with an excited giggle.
"Hi, Alex!" Sohee held up her hand for Alex to high five her. "Youngbin's coming in a bit. He's feeding-"
"I don't wanna know it."
"I never think that that tiny snake can unhinge its jaw like that for a whole mouse to f-"
"Sohee-" Alex adored that girl. She was absolutely awful, just like any little sister was supposed to be.
"Anyways, what are you doing today?" Instead of inviting Alex in or anything, Sohee just leaned against the door frame, her smile unwavering.
"Getting some tea. Or coffee, I guess. Some cake and waffles." Now the grin dropped in a near instant, and swiftly was replaced with an offended frown.
"Okay. Without me. I see."
"I'll take you along another time, yeah?" If Alex and Youngbin were staying together long enough, that was, to comfortably invite family along to Neverland.
"I think you still owe us food, kinda. After last week, you know."
"If anything, I owe your mother food," Alex noted, then looked past Sohee into the long straight hallway that was stretching just behind her. "Speaking of, how's she?"
"Week's been stressy for her, I think. She just kind of sleeps all day." Sohee pressed her lips together, thinking. "She's not said anything about the gay thing, though. If that's what you're asking. I think she's just gonna try to ignore it for as long as possible? Which is fine, I guess, better than being mean to Bin, at least."
Sohee's expression had changed into something strangely tired, maybe even slightly disappointed. Then, she quickly threw a look over her shoulder and turned back to Alex, with a smile back on her face and a lowered voice.
"Don't tell Binnie, but I bought one of those rainbow flags online for him. As a gift. It's gonna be great."
"Your mom won't be too happy to have that in her house, I'm assuming?"
"Eh." She shrugged, her grin turning almost cartoonishly evil. "Her fault for supplying me with pocket money. Now I get to buy gay shit for my gay brother." She really got it. She really, truly captured that 'living just out of spite' lifestyle that Alex had taken on long ago.
Steps echoed from behind Sohee, and soon, Youngbin popped up behind her.
"Hi."
"Has the beast been fed?"
"Dan's happy and healthy."
"Terrible. Let's go."
Youngbin shot a near murderous gaze at Alex, then squeezed past Sohee to cling onto his arm for that short walk that was the way to the car. Underneath the denim jacket that Alex knew all too well by now, he wore a shirt in bright red- a colour uncommon for Youngbin, and yet in maybe a couple of hours, his hair would take on the same colour- Alex' favourite colour.
"Have fuuuun," Sohee chirped as the two said their goodbyes and got into the car.
Before turning on the engine, Alex reached for the plastic bag on the back seats and clumsily threw it right onto Youngbin's lap.
"The good shit," he said with a low voice.
Youngbin pulled out the bottle of red dye, turned it around in his hands, scanned the label. His eyes narrowed, he opened the bottle, sniffed it once, observed it quietly as Alex drove down the street. Youngbin then searched the bag further, pulling out a shampoo, then a small sample packet of conditioner. The full bottle was too expensive for Alex, but that little thing would do. Hopefully. Unless he somehow fucked up terribly.
"How much was all of this?" Youngbin asked, carefully reading every single word of instruction on the dye bottle.
"Not sure. Don't remember. Twenty bucks, maybe? Or less. Not sure."
"Ah..." Now Youngbin sounded almost a little uncomfortable, or rather, sorry, he bowed his head a little. "I'll repay you next monday then, I didn't think about you having to buy all of this-"
"What? No, no, it's fine, man. Doesn't matter."
"Come on, I feel like I owe you so much money by now. The first time you invited me to Neverland, all the fuel you surely must've used up last night, now this-"
Thankfully Youngbin didn't know just yet that he was planning to invite him once more and pay the bill for today's café visit. It wasn't like he had a lot of money, really, but the little he had? He might as well spend that on his boyfriend- on his friend. He'd always done the same for Leia. Maybe that was the reason he was broke all the time.
"It's my love language, yeah? Buying shit for my friends."
"Hm," Youngbin made, crossing his arms, tilting his head. "I'll pay you back some day. That's a threat."
"You're very threatening, indeed. I'm shaking."
"God, you suck, Alex."
"Yeah!" He grinned, those words certainly were of appreciation. "That's why you love me."
Youngbin didn't reply at first, not with words, just a sigh, overly annoyed. Then, after a couple of seconds he finally added: "Since I can't think of any other reasons, that's probably it."
"Jesus, you're harsh!"
"I am." His voice held a hint of satisfaction in it. "That's why you love me."
Alex could, in fact, think of plenty more reasons to love Youngbin, but for now he just nodded, and the two fell silent, though both had grins plastered onto their faces.
Youngbin had leaned his head against the window, looking out, watching cars and buildings go by. He'd done that last night as well, plenty of times, but unlike the last night, it was quiet, aside from the rather rusty car engine of course. No music played, until Youngbin began humming a melody, quiet, an unknown one, maybe he was just making it up on the spot right now, but Alex quite enjoyed the broken silence.
Like birdsong, Youngbin's little melody made that grey, absolutely disgustingly muddy weather seem a little more warm, like a spring day, perhaps, breaking through winter, through could, through desperation.
Alex considered driving his car into a wall when that cheesy jumble of thoughts popped into his head. What the fuck was even wrong with him? What weird kind of fanfiction worm had eaten itself into his brain for him to even spout such thoughts? Things were not supposed to be like this. In fact, things had to stop right now, or he'd explode and die a million deaths.
"So!" He said, a little too loud, too sudden maybe, and Youngbin flinched. "What's up?"
"What?"
"How's life going? And all? What have you been up to?"
"Alex? You saw me maybe ten hours ago. Not much happened in that time."
"Is Dan doing well?" Alex already regretted ever even opening his mouth. He really, really didn't want to know how that absolute murderous beast was doing.
"Well, I fed him. He's happy."
"Cool."
"He told me that he wants to eat you next."
"I've heard that a lot," Alex mumbled, and the urge to crash the car grew with every sentence.
Thankfully, that was about it, no more sentences were formed, and Youngbin went back to leaning against the window. He didn't hum this time, and Alex cursed himself for making him stop.
So the car ride went by silently, and a little more dull, and Alex wished that he could know if Youngbin had thought the ride to be just as uncomfortable as him. Probably not. Obviously not.
Alex parked right in front of the saddening facade of Neverland, a warm glow fighting its way through the dirty curtained windows. He took a deep breath, as if he had to mentally prepare himself for the visit. Youngbin on the other hand had jumped out of the car as soon as the engine had stopped with an odd kind of excitement. So, Alex quickly followed him, pushing through the pathetically painted front door, entering their own personal little heaven that was Neverland.
Windchimes jingled as the door fell shut behind the couple, alerting not only the waiter, but the customers they were serving. There were customers! And Robyn Garcia, worlds prettiest but most incompetent waiter on the planet, was actually serving them.
Robyn gave Alex a nod, indicating to him that they were going to be available in just a few moments, and Alex smiled at them, understandingly, and most importantly: proudly.
Neverland's most loyal customer had always been Alex himself, he'd been coming here since it opened, no- since long before it even opened, and he recalled maybe two or three times where he wasn't the sole customer. There were about two times the café was actually somewhat well visited, once on Robyn's sister's birthday, and once on Robyn's grandma's birthday. Alex had been there both days, not as a customer though, but as a waiter. Not his kind of job, but at least he made some decent money.
Youngbin had already taken initiative and chosen a table for the two, as far away from the other customers, a young couple it seemed like, a man and a woman that certainly were all over each other even as they talked to Robyn.
Youngbin pulled one of the chairs back, gesturing to Alex to sit down on it.
"A gentleman today, I see." Alex graciously took the offer, and Youngbin sat down opposite of him.
"It's so nice here," Youngbin let out along with a satisfied sigh, leaning back in his chair and pulling out the menu card from underneath a candle. He studied it, a smile on his face. "I'm still surprised we have a cafè like this in Rosebury in the first place. It's almost a bit too trendy, don't you think?"
"It's way too trendy," Alex said with a lowered voice, "that's why they have no customers."
"Well, they do today."
Youngbin threw one quick glance over to the couple. They had stopped looking at Robyn and started staring each other down as if they were about to devour the other, all while the poor waiter tried their hardest to get through to the two.
"Do we look like this in school as well?" Youngbin had raised his eyebrows, twisted his face into disgust.
"I hope to god we don't. Look at that. They moved their chairs next to each other. Watch, they'll have no space for plates anymore."
"They could just share one chair at this point." Youngbin's voice had turned into a murmur, and though both of their stares had not become any less obvious, it wasn't like that couple would notice. "Hell, get a room."
"Bet they'll order the same thing, too. 'Oh, the lover's special, please! Extra sweet!' Something like that."
"They have a lover's special here?"
"Nah, but Robyn will pull one out of their ass if someone asks. Or maybe they'll try the edibles. Or- no, watch them order a single waffle with two forks and then they'll feed each other."
"I would never share one single waffle with you, I'll be completely honest." Youngbin tried to continue to read the menu, but his eyes were drawn to the couple, like some kind of car accident. "I wouldn't even let you try."
"God, I love my hostile boyfriend."
"Your hostile boyfriend wouldn't hesitate to bite you."
"Jokes on you, I'm kinda into that." To Alex' surprise, Youngbin did not turn into a reddened mess, just grinned in a weirdly threatening way.
"We'll see about that."
Okay, sure. Why not. Okay. Whatever. Alex whipped his head around to continue to watch that terribly heterosexual couple. Maybe they'd make the gay thoughts go away.
"They're still ordering," he swiftly changed the topic. "I think they forgot that Robyn is standing next to them."
"More time for me to decide what to drink." Finally, Youngbin faced the menu again, narrowing his eyes as he analysed it closely.
"Y'know, I just order the exact same thing every time."
"I know, but I want to try some stuff out first before I settle on one order." Now he traced line after line with his finger as if he was some dad reading the newspaper. "Taste test a few things and then choose one I'll order for the rest of my life."
That was implying that Youngbin was planning to come here for the rest of his life. Or at least a couple more times, which probably also implied that he was going to tag along with Alex, which meant that they'd have to stay fake boyfriends for a pretty long time, or at least friends to justify the two of them coming here together. Which was good. That was a plan Alex was enjoying. Fucking hell, if only he could stop fucking thinking for half a second-
"I'm so sorry about that!" Robyn had teleported next to Alex now, their voice kicking him out of his thought spiral. "Welcome back, so happy to see you two again! What can I bring you?"
"Same as always," Alex just answered, trying his very best to put on a grin.
"Same as always," Robyn repeated, then turned to Youngbin, and their smile only grew. "How lovely to see you again! I was worried maybe you two had already broken up, but-"
"Robyn-"
"Sorry, I just didn't expect you to-"
"Just take his damn order."
"Of course. What can I bring you, dear?"
"A waffle, please, and a-" Youngbin glanced at the menu again, then at Alex, and smiled. "Strawberry tea?"
"Yes, of course, lovely! I'll be right back with your order, it's a little-" They nodded over to the other table again. "Busy, if I do say so myself." They spun away, and quickly disappeared into the kitchen.
"Wow, you're stealing my 'usual'."
Youngbin just smiled and nodded and shrugged, and then his head turned again, to that couple that had now moved in and made out right then and there, in front of everyone. Though everyone in this case meant only Youngbin and Alex, and even now, Alex wasn't sure if these two even remembered that there were two other guests in the room.
"Ew. Jesus." Youngbin's face had twisted in disdain, his voice had dropped to a whisper, and yet, of course, he wasn't going to look away. Neither was Alex.
"Awful, isn't it. Not even I was like that with any of my girlfriends. Yikes." Quite frankly, Alex didn't dislike public display of affection, not in the slightest, but there was a line, and that clearly went far over that said line. Oh, they were fully sticking eachother's tongues down their throats like their life depended on it. Alex couldn't ever imagine being that touch starved and horny, ever, not at all.
"Okay, I've seen enough." Youngbin stared down at the table, shaking his head as if whatever he was seeing would fall right out of his brain like that.
"Come on, don't you think you can learn from these two? Copy a move maybe? Y'know, for a convincing act?" Alex leaned a little closer to Youngbin with a grin and a fucked up wink, but his fake boyfriend just rolled his eyes in something that could be disgust.
"For no act in the world would I devour you like that."
Disappointing, maybe, but not surprising in the slightest.
"Besides," Youngbin added, "we could probably out-love them anyways."
"You're very confident in your acting, I see."
"In ours. You really learned to stare at me like I'm the greatest person to ever exist." Now, that wasn't really acting. Alex just looked at him like this.
Youngbin's gaze softened suddenly, he tilted his head a little, scanned Alex' face, his eyes, his nose, his lips, the lips, again and again. Stop. Stop that.
"Hm," Youngbin hummed, before their eyes met again, and it felt like this may have been the first time he actually looked Alex directly into his eyes for longer than a second. "Not sure how you do it. Can't get it right."
Now Youngbin blinked a couple of times, and that achingly gentle gleam disappeared from his eyes.
"Not gonna lie," Alex said, not actually wanting to say it, "I really thought you just fell in love with me right then and there."
"You wish."
Well, yeah, of course he did. Kinda, a little bit at least.
"The way you look at someone is the most important thing, isn't it? What other people read on your face?"
"I guess?" Alex rubbed the back of his neck, deciding to look anywhere but at Youngbin's face.
"You always have to make the right expression because sometimes people will listen to what you say, and then decide that you said something completely different based on the way your face looked in that moment. Which, might I add, is strange, because I can't really see my own face, and thus cannot tell what expression I happen to make."
"I think you just kind of instinctively make the face that matches the thing you're wanting to say?"
"But if that's the case," Youngbin said, crossing his arms and leaning back, and adequate confused look on his face, "I'd have to know, and see what face matches what intention. And when does someone learn those things?"
"Youngbin, genuinely, I have to idea what we are talking about right now."
"About the fact that you're really good at making an in-love face and I want to know why you're good at that."
"Honestly, your expressions look perfectly fine and normal to me," Alex said, which was nowhere near the answer that Youngbin wanted to hear, it wasn't even an answer in the first place, but Alex didn't feel like exploring that question further. "Like I don't think you need to put that much thought into... your face? You look pretty, like, vivid to me actually."
"I'm autistic and an actor, Alex. I've been analysing and practising facial expressions in front of a mirror for maybe twelve years now. If it wasn't for that my face would not change a single bit."
"Well, you've- practised that well, then."
"Thanks." So Youngbin must've known exactly how smug he looked. "I take a lot of pride in that."
That surely was a normal thing to say, and to learn. And actually, now that Alex really thought about it, Youngbin was kinda right. How does one know what expression means what? Surely, there must've been something biological, something genetic or something, or a scientific reason why disgust looked one way and anger looked another and why love seemed to look so familiar and common on Alex' face.
What a weird fucking thing to get caught up in, Alex shook his head slightly, furrowed his brow. He glanced over to the kitchen door behind the counter, and just so happened to see Robyn stumble out of it with a packed tray in their hands.
Two cups of tea, Alex' beloved cake, a waffle; their order. And then more, a big cup of glass, filled to the brim with ice cream, and, as predicted, two spoons.
"Oh, look at the lovebirds."
"If they start feeding each other, I'll actually get up and leave," Youngbin joked, though his tone sounded just a little too serious.
Robyn put down the sundae in front of the couple, and they looked up, half heartedly thanked Robyn, then-
"Oh, fuck, of course." Alex narrowed his eyes when the young man picked up one of the spoons, and started moving it to his girlfriend's lips, who giggled and smiled and opened her mouth wide for her darling's half filled ice cream spoon.
"Should we be jealous or happy that we're single?" Youngbin almost whispered now, and his voice sounded so incredibly upset at the sight, which was probably highly unprompted but still extremely fucking funny.
"You're so mad at these people for no fucking reason, actually."
"Yeah. I should be allowed to be mad at straight people every now and then." And he was right, very much.
With a pleading expression, Robyn quickly spun towards Alex and Youngbin, and slid the tray onto their table. They turned around again, but the couple paid them no mind anymore, and they let out a heavy yet almost silent sigh.
"This guy has been coming here with her like every three days, for two weeks. And they're always like this. It was cute at first but now?"
"How was this ever cute?" Youngbin's brow had been wrinkled for a little too long now, and Alex was worried that maybe his face had gotten stuck like this.
"I'm tired of them. At first I was like, yay, customers! And now I want to die. Oh my god. Now I want this to be over. Also, Ash said that he saw her with another guy at a club like, this weekend, and-"
"Oh my god, no way!" Alex let out, an almost automated response to anything that included the phrase 'Ash said'.
"Yeah, right! And he told me, and I was like, oh that's nice! Good for her, she has two boyfriends, but then my naive ass remembered, oh, wait, that's not actually a good thing for everyone! Some people don't communicate the fact that they want two, and then-"
"And then..." Alex nodded sadly, and saw Youngbin doing the same. "That's crazy."
"It is. But it's fine, really, she tags us on Instagram every time the two eat here, so that's like, some kind of exposure." Robyn smiled, though a little desperate maybe, then patted both Youngbin's and Alex' shoulders. "Enjoy your meal, loves, let's talk another time, yes?"
Youngbin smiled back, bowed his head a little as a thanks, and then gave the most loving gentle look Alex had ever seen- not towards him though, but rather the waffle in front of him.
"I didn't even realise I've been craving these for weeks now." He dug his fork into that beloved piece of waffle, and Alex did the same with his cheesecake, though both hesitated actually beginning to eat, instead their eyes met for a brief second. Then, Youngbin extended his arm , held the fork up to Alex' face.
"Try some, babe."
Alex tried his very best not to cringe and die, and so did Youngbin, it seemed like, and yet Alex moved forward a little, and let Youngbin feed him a piece of waffle. It was, indeed, very good, and very sweet, and so was Youngbin's grin.
Now Alex returned the favour, and held up a fork full of strawberry cheesecake, and with a "For you, honey" Youngbin tried it, and his smile widened, because of course, who wouldn't smile at a banger cheesecake like this.
"That was the worst thing we've ever done, I think," Youngbin said, though his smile did not waver.
"If you don't want any more of the cake, that's fine by me-"
"No! Wait, if you're going to offer more-"
"Well, I'm not gonna feed you, but..." Alex pushed the plate more towards the middle of the table. "If you wanna?"
"I'd love to, actually." Youngbin stole another small bite of cake, then pulled his own plate further to himself. "But I'm not sharing anymore with you."
"One sided love, I see," Alex sighed, took a long, sad sip from his tea, and Youngbin simply nodded, with a smile, because of course he did.
"What I've been wanting to ask, by the way..." He now sat up straighter in his seat, glancing over to the kitchen door. "How'd you meet Robyn? Or anyone working here? I've been wondering since you first took me here, but you kind of- avoided the question, I suppose?"
Oh. Yeah. Alex hadn't really given a proper answer back then, maybe because- Well, why, really? Because he just didn't want to talk about the fact that he really, really desperately needed help back then? Because admitting to his sad pathetic loser backstory would've been too embarrassing? Probably.
And to be completely honest, he still was. He still kind of hated the idea of letting Youngbin, or anyone for that matter, peek inside him, take a look at that mess. He'd have to let him in at some point, like really let him in, and cracks had started to show long ago, yet he wasn't quite sure how much more he was ready to show. How much he'd ever be ready to show. But, well-
"I lived around here, when I still lived with my parents. We moved to a smaller apartment when we- kind of, uh, struggled with money. I'd been thinking about moving out so when I saw someone working here, I just kinda asked if they needed someone, I guess." There, easy. Not a single crack, not a single new info. "I first met Adrian, he's the owner, technically, does a lot of the money stuff, the handy stuff, he's kinda, I guess- A big brother or something?"
Alex stopped, waited for a reaction, but Youngbin just looked at him, patiently, waiting for him to continue, and so he did.
"I helped with renovating at first, got paid pretty well. Y'know, painting walls and furniture and shit, cleaning, then I set up social media accounts, stuck flyers to every free surface in Rosebury, I was a waiter during the big opening, I did anything they needed help with. I could kinda escape to Neverland, and to Adrian and Ash and Robyn. I already started skipping school to work sometimes during that time, so I just kinda... skipped more? And helped out here instead. And they helped me a shit ton to get enough money to move out."
Maybe, Alex now thought, that had been it. Maybe the skipping school and escaping part had been just a little too much. But Youngbin just nodded, with an interest sparkling in his eyes, a kind of understanding that Alex, for some reason, hadn't expected to be met with.
"That's nice to hear..." And maybe Alex could spot a sadness, guilt even, within his voice. "I didn't mean to- Well. Thanks for telling me."
As if this was some kind of big reveal. As if Youngbin didn't already suspect Alex to be in need of refuge.
"Honestly, Adrian's a good boss. Ash and Robyn too." Now Alex shrugged, and grinned, and it wasn't very honest at all. "They paid well and were nice to me. Perks of having rich ass friends."
Now Youngbin furrowed his brow, tilted his head like he was thinking about something, then:
"And now you're friends with me, too."
"That," Alex quickly objected, "wasn't even my intention. Like, I did not know you were rich until Margo told me that you're wearing designer to school."
"Oh, yeah, no, I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. Maybe rich people are drawn to you. Maybe you should get a, what's it called-"
"A sugar daddy. Maybe I should get a rich man to pick me up like a wet dog and spoil me rotten," Alex concluded and Youngbin nodded like this was a very serious and considerable idea.
"Leia looks rich to me."
Now that didn't matter at all, didn't it? What Leia looked like, or was, or did, or thought or said or wanted or anything about Leia, it really didn't matter at all.
"Semi rich. More money than us, less than you, I think." Alex crossed his arms, looked away, like at a wall, or at an empty table, or at anything, anything at all.
"You were friends with her for a while, right?"
Now why was he asking this? Why did he even care? Alex didn't care, certainly. But he couldn't deny Youngbin any answers, couldn't he?
"Yeah. I guess." He went quiet again, for a few seconds, but Alex could tell that Youngbin was waiting for more. "Another ex of mine introduced her to me. Got along, I guess. And then we kind of fucked it up." He shrugged, and tried to not think about Lani and Margo scolding him for pretending like none of this meant anything to him.
"I saw her, uhm- I was scrolling through your Instagram, and I saw her in your comments sometimes. And you were friendly, so I was just wondering." Youngbin didn't quite feel that comfortable asking Alex about all of this, so much was clear to him, and yet there must've been a curiousity- or maybe a very genuine care about Alex and all the shit in his life that Youngbin had missed out on.
And it almost felt good, to have him wonder and ask and learn. That he wanted to know more, that he wanted to explore those cracks a little more, and that he hadn't stepped back just yet. That he cared enough, that really could've felt good, if it wasn't so fucking scary.
"And you were friends with Demian?"
"No, fuck no." Maybe that answer came a little too harsh, maybe he had dug a little too deep now. "Not fucking friends, not anything."
"But I saw him in-"
"Doesn't fucking matter." Again, Alex did not like his own tone of voice, but he couldn't help himself. "He commented on my shit sometimes, he's obsessed with me, it doesn't matter."
Youngbin, thankfully, didn't seem quite as taken aback as Alex had expected, but didn't seem to want to back up just yet, which- maybe it wasn't all that good.
"I don't really get why you dislike him so much. I talked to him and-"
"And why the fuck would you talk to him?" Please, Youngbin, just shut up about him, just don't mention that piece of shit, please-
"We had one chat after your basketball training-" And you don't fucking chat with him after basketball training. You don't fucking do that, Alex had made that stupid fucking mistake once. "And he texted me on Instagram, he just wanted to follow me. He's a bit strange, sure, but he doesn't seem as bad as you make him out t-"
"As I make him out to be?" I'm so fucking sorry, Youngbin, I don't mean to sound like this. "I don't have to make him look bad, he's doing that by himself, he's so fucking slimy and selfish and you can smell that when he just opens his mouth."
"Alex, please, he really doesn't seem-"
"Y'know, if you just looked past the fact that he's hot-"
"So you're jealous?"
Now Alex stopped in his tracks, and his heart began stinging, then, slowly, someone tore it apart, a slow rip, a careful one, and along with it came a silence.
A silence that Youngbin didn't break to say sorry, or to add anything that made him sound any less harsher, he just looked at Alex, looked him in the eyes for maybe a second too long.
"Why the fuck would I be jealous? I'm not jealous," Alex now lied.
"Because you haven't given me a single, actual reason as to why I should hate him. Alex, it doesn't matter if I find him attractive. And you know I find you attractive as well. That doesn't mean anything." Maybe that was the worst part yet. "You just complain about him. You just say that you hate him and expect me to hate him as well. And then I see him talking to you, a year or so back, and- I mean, it has to be personal then. And I can't smell your personal beef with anyone, can I?"
Now Alex froze up, and the pain stopped, because everything kind of stopped.
"You can tell me," Youngbin said, and Alex knew that he wasn't going to, not ever, because it was too fucking embarrassing, because the thought of saying that stupid fucking thing, that one moment, made him want to wash his hands and his mouth and made him want to crawl into a cave and hide and not think about anything ever again.
"And if you can't tell me, you can't really- I don't know. That's fine. But I at least want to know why I'm supposed to hate him that much."
What had been the most terrifying was the fact that Youngbin's voice sounded so unreasonably calm. Annoyed, angry perhaps, but always quiet, painfully gentle, polite, disgustingly so. If only he could've gone off. If only he could've started screaming at him, at least then Alex wouldn't have felt like he was the wrong one in this situation. But now, Alex felt like he owed Youngbin the truth. Or at least a part of it.
"It's just shit. It feels shit, okay? That you get along with him. Yeah, fuck it, whatever, jealousy, okay? I don't know. I don't like him and I don't know how to handle the fact that you do."
Youngbin stayed silent, like he was waiting for more. Alex wanted to bash his head into the table.
"And you're my boyfriend-"
"I'm not really-"
"It doesn't matter, because he thinks you are and now he's trying to hit you up and that's scummy as fuck, because in his eyes you're taken and he still thinks he's got a fucking chance, because he always thinks that. 'Cause he thinks he's entitled to fuck whoever he wants, and now he's starting to think that he can fuck you, and I don't fucking like that." Because he doesn't deserve to lay a single finger on you.
"Come on, it's not like I'd ever-"
"It's not about what you would do or wouldn't do, I know you're not trying to- It's just- It just pisses me off. That he's trying to get into your pants, and I bet he's gonna start talking shit about me. Which sucks. I don't want you out of all people to hate me because he's feeding you shit about me."
Too honest. For both of them, maybe. Youngbin's face dropped, guilt flashed in his eyes.
"I'm-"
"I'm sorry," Alex said before Youngbin could do so. "Yeah. There you have it. I'm mad that he can't keep his hands off of a taken man and I'm- scared, I guess. That you'll like a guy that hates me.""
"I didn't-" Youngbin's voice was quiet, but less calm than before, upset and deeply so, but clearly not at Alex, rather at himself. And that was the thing that pissed Alex off the most. That Youngbin couldn't rightfully stay mad at him. "It's not like I'll believe him. Anything he says about you. I know better than him."
"So he's started talking shit, then."
Youngbin didn't answer. Alex took that as a yes. Fucking asshole. Stupid fucking piece of shit thinking he could get Youngbin to hate his own fucking boyfriend, just because-
"It doesn't matter what he's saying to me. It doesn't matter. I'm not letting him convince me that you're some kind of heartbreaker. I know you."
"You don't," Alex was tempted to say, but instead he simply fell back in his chair, as if someone had just taken a weight off of him. Because maybe that was exactly what it was, maybe, oh horror, talking about things that bothered him actually helped. He took a sip from his tea, because maybe that would help even more. Maybe it kind of did.
"It's fine. I understand you now, okay? I'm sorry that I wasn't thinking about- what it might feel like for you."
"I'm sorry for kind of being an asshole and freaking out about this." Alex didn't look Youngbin in the eye when he said this, but it didn't make his apology any less genuine. He was so awful. He was so fucking dumb. He was so very fucking fragile, and again and again he'd blow up and-
Youngbin reached his hand out, slowly, and then ever so gently, his finger brushed Alex' hand that still rested against his cup of tea. A gentle touch, like an attempt to say 'Sorry', or to say 'It's fine now', or to say 'You're not an asshole, at least I don't mind it as much', but in the end it didn't matter what exactly he was trying to say, because Alex wanted to disappear within that touch, so small and gentle and slow, and he wanted his entire body to feel like that part of his hand felt.
But Youngbin eventually pulled his hand away again, and Alex was tempted to stop him, to grab him, to pull him back. For a split second, he heard a fly buzzing around his head.
"I don't really know how to resume a normal conversation now, to be honest." Youngbin looked away, avoided looking at Alex- not just his eyes, but every single part of him.
"Me neither." Alex cleared his throat, and attempted to crack a joke, quite badly though. "Y'know, usually in a relationship you argue, yell at each other really loudly, don't talk for three days and then make out instead of talking it out?"
And now, for the first time actually, Youngbin genuinely looked like Alex had just said the most shocking and absurd thing ever.
"That's how it's usually supposed to go?"
"Or so I've heard," Alex added, and finally a smile crept back onto Youngbin's face.
"That wasn't even an argument. That was just-" Then he shrugged, and poked around in his waffle. "You know."
"I know," Alex answered, and really he didn't, but he was glad it was over, and Youngbin didn't hate him. Just to make sure again, Alex smiled, and Youngbin smiled back in a near instant, and it was as honest as it could've been.
Alex was probably the only one that felt a pressure on his chest after that conversation, something that told him he'd done something bad, said something wrong, acted unforgivable. He'd been forgiven many times, for saying worse shit, for acting up more, but it felt especially bad now, today, talking to Youngbin. Like he'd forever hold a grudge. Like he'd changed his opinion of Alex forever.
But nothing had changed. Youngbin sat in Alex' car once more, a grin on his face, like he had just tasted heaven and hadn't come down from cloud nine just yet. Which was accurate, actually.
He'd gone back to analysing the label of the dye bottle, and Alex was sure he'd read every single word of instruction at least one thousand times.
"What's your mom thinking about this, by the way?"
Youngbin shrugged, without looking up, and let out one of the most uncharacteristic sentences Alex had ever heard him say.
"I don't know. I didn't ask her. I don't really care, I suppose."
"You don't care?"
"Is having a redhead son worse than having a gay son?"
The way he spoke had changed, so much was obvious. Youngbin had changed. Maybe they had been small steps that, to someone else, might've been unnoticeable. But Alex saw them. Alex saw what Youngbin was like when they had first met, and what he was like now.
And once again, Alex wondered if it had been a change at all, if he wasn't like this already this whole time and was just really good at putting on something different, some kind of mask, and now he had let it slip. Alex, out of all people, knew what that was like.
But, no, it felt unfair to not recognize the change Youngbin had gone through. That subtle, not so subtle at all change. The gleam in his eyes, the smile on his lips, the determination when Alex finally unlocked the door to his apartment and nudged it open.
"Welcome home," Alex said, and let Youngbin step into his own personal hellhole.
Nothing had ever really been home to him. But this certainly was as close as it could get. A small apartment with a cramped kitchen, tiny little bathroom, no dining table but a couch he'd gotten as a gift from the previous tenant, big enough to host a slumber party with Margo and Lani, and lastly, the heart of this place, his bedroom. The only nicely decorated room.
A room just big enough to fit a large mattress propped up on euro pallets, a wardrobe with a mirror crudely attached to it, and a shelf that fit all the important things: A record player, a box with jewellery, a stack of old polaroids, and everything else that Alex needed access to quickly when he got up in the morning.
Walls particularly carefully painted grey by Lani's brothers that had offered themselves up as Alex' own personal moving company, now filled with posters and pictures and his small collection of nicely displayed vinyls, and between the tightly packed pictures that were supposed to cover every bit of wall, there were holes. Leia's face used to be there. It obviously no longer was.
Alex threw the plastic bag containing the dye onto his bed, then stood there, in front of it, and stared. He didn't really have any chairs currently. But he was willing to stain his bedsheets red for Youngbin.
"Okay. Do we apply this to dry or wet hair." Alex crossed his arms, and continued to stare into nothingness. Youngbin also stared, but did so observantly, analysing each of the photos sloppily taped to Alex' walls.
"Dry, it said."
"Right." Alex threw himself onto his bed, shaking the plastic bag until the bottle rolled out. "You read the instructions. I didn't." He squinted at the bottle and decided that there was way too much text on the label. "And I'm not going to. Let's get it."
He patted on the bed as well, inviting Youngbin to sit down. He hesitated a little, then took off his denim jacket, carefully laying it down at the other end of the bed, then sat down where Alex had asked him to.
"The shirt is allowed to get dirty, yes?"
"Well." Youngbin's shoulders now tensed up the slightest bit. "That's what I wore this specific shirt for, so yes, I suppose. Go wild."
"I love going wild."
Alex crawled over the bed to position himself directly behind Youngbin, then he grabbed the bottle, shook it a little, and opened it. The familiar smell of hair dye instantly pierced his nose. Though, this one smelled a little less chemical, and a little more nature-y. Only the good stuff for Youngbin, of course.
With no hesitation, he squirted some of the red liquid directly into his hands, then held them up to Youngbin's head.
"Ready?"
"Do it before I change my mind."
"Ready, then. Cool."
Both hands buried themselves into Youngbin's fluffy hair, and its softness was probably lost within the goo that covered Alex' skin, but- He tried to not let that fly come too close to him, because he didn't have any hands free to shoo it away.
It wasn't a particularly clean application, and probably not the most professional way of spreading dye on hair evenly, but honestly, just mushing it on there had worked before, and it'd work on Youngbin as well.
First drops of dye had already stained Youngbin's shirt, as well as the sheets on which the two were sitting. The colour looked surprisingly vibrant on Youngbin's hair, whereas it had an almost light pinkish tone on Alex' hands.
He was careful to spread it on each strand of hair, and perhaps spent a little longer making sure he hadn't missed a spot than he did on his friend's or his own hair. And Youngbin quietly sat there and let it happen and maybe even enjoyed it a little bit. Maybe. It would've been nice if he did, at least.
"How long do you think it'll stay?" Youngbin asked after a while, breaking a comfortable silence for the first time.
"With the right shampoo, maybe... somewhere between two and ten weeks?"
"Two and ten? That's very helpful."
"Man, I don't know." Alex twirled a strand of Youngbin's hair around his finger, and by now maybe he was more so playing with his hair rather than dying it. "You never know with hair dye. Sometimes it just sticks. Sometimes it doesn't. Always a surprise."
Alex looked down on his hands covered in red, almost like he'd just done something horrible, like he'd murdered someone, or something, maybe a part of Youngbin he had just killed. And then he looked up, and at the mess of red on Youngbin's head, the victim of this murder. Alex huffed, and with a satisfied smile he took in that kill. The murder of whatever fucking part of Youngbin had slowly started to push towards the edge of a cliff ever since he'd met Alex.
"Look at me," Alex said, and Youngbin turned his head around, with a grin, and a red streak across his forehead. "Looking cute."
"You look awful," Youngbin answered as his gaze dropped down to Alex' stained hands.
"Fuck off." Alex reached his hand out to Youngbin, who didn't flinch or even think to move back a single bit, which probably wasn't a good idea, as Alex now touched his forehead and turned the one streak into a faded heart shape with whatever dye had now been left on his finger. He smiled and tilted his head as he observed the piece of art in front of him. He had the opportunity to do that for another 15 minutes now, until the dye was ready to wash out.
"I have the urge to scratch my head right now."
"Don't. I need someone with clean hands to open the doors for me."
"You could wash your hands. That would probably help."
"I could!" Alex tried to scoot off the bed hands free. This did not work. "But I don't know how to get up."
As if to taunt him, Youngbin easily slid off the bed, with the use of his hands, of course, and then he stood there, and looked down on Alex with a grin, while he knelt on the mattress with red stained hands like a guard dog that had brought his beloved owner a dead dove, in a desperate attempt to show him love and loyalty.
The owner showed mercy towards his mutt, and extended his hand, willing to stain it with blood as well. Or something like that. Point was, Youngbin helped Alex get up, gripped his hand tightly, and with one pull, Alex stood on his feet again.
"Go on, clean that off."
Youngbin opened every door that stood in Alex' way, and with a lot of scrubbing and a lot of ruining the bathroom sink, his hands eventually cleaned off at least the smallest bit. Youngbin's right hand had also been covered now, but he didn't make an attempt to wash it out just yet.
Now Alex had sat down on the floor, leaning against the walls of his bathtub, and Youngbin had done the same, careful not to rest his head against the white tiles. Ten more minutes, roughly, but really what harm would a couple more minutes do.
Youngbin had made an effort to not look at his reflection just yet. There was very clear excitement in his expression, a smile so broad that had rested on his lips since Alex had started applying dye to his hair.
The dye, wet as it still was, looked good on him. The colour was deep and vibrant and matched his black eyes. His bangs were slicked back, his forehead exposed for what Alex believed to be the first time ever, and if it weren't for the little strands of hair standing out here and there, it almost would've looked quite elegant, fashionable even.
Maybe Youngbin could get a little makeover, as a treat. Maybe Alex could convince him to put on a little more eyeliner, or try out a bold colour on his lips, and put on some clothes that were a little more fashionable, and while he was at it, Alex might as well dig out that old DIY tattoo machine he had crafted together a year or so ago to give Margo the worst tattoo of a smiley on her rib anyone had ever seen.
Then again, Youngbin was pretty neat the way he was right now. Why change much if he felt comfortable in his body like that- No, wait, did he feel comfortable? Was it his body or his head that caused the discomfort that was very obviously there?
"Are you happy?" Alex now blurted out, and Youngbin almost bumped his head into the bathtub when he looked up at Alex in confusion.
"Like right now? I suppose I am."
"And like in general?" Alex continued to ask, and as he spoke those very words, he realised how insane he must've been sounding. More insane than usual, that was.
"I don't know? Not really. But sometimes. I don't know."
"Okay," he concluded, but then, after two agonising seconds of understanding how dumb he sounded, added: "I don't why I asked you."
"It's fine." Youngbin stretched his arms out a little. "I don't feel like having an existential conversation about happiness right now, so I guess I wouldn't have given you any satisfying answers anyway."
"But you did say that you're happy right now?"
"Nothing to complain about," Youngbin answered with a smile, and Alex couldn't help but agree.
"That's nice."
"Are you?"
"Happy?"
"Yeah."
"I guess. Nothing to complain about."
"That's nice."
And that was enough. Not more had to be said, and the bathroom fell silent, until Youngbin started to hum again, and this time Alex decided to listen.
Until a red drop fell from Youngbin's hair onto the bathroom tiles. Though they'd been stained anyway.
"You can probably wash this out now." Aley reached out and picked up a single strand of hair, pulling some of the dye off to see if it had even taken the colour in the first place. It did. "Yeah. Looking good."
Youngbin's eyes gleamed now, more than usually. Both got up, and Alex noticed the red hand prints left on the floor, which looked kind of great, actually.
"You can just, if you want, wash it out alone over the tub- Unless you need help? I can get you a towel, and then just leave you to it." Alex held his fingers underneath some running water again to wash off the rest dye on him, then took one step backwards towards the bathroom door. Youngbin just nodded excitedly.
"Get out. It'll be a surprise, okay?"
Now Alex smiled as well, and he didn't know why his good friend Youngbin's new look was supposed to be a surprise to him, because surprise always also kind of equaled a gift or something that Alex was supposed to enjoy, and why would Youngbin believe that simply seeing him with a smile and bright red hair was a gift, but sure, Alex nodded, grabbed a towel he threw at Youngbin, and promptly returned to his bedroom.
It took maybe five minutes, or a little more or a little less, but certainly a couple of minutes that Alex spent lying on his bed and staring at walls, which had become quite the hobby of his in the past few weeks. And then, after a lot of silence and observing the same spot on his wall, a knock on the door.
"Ready?" Youngbin's voice called from the outside, and Alex nodded, and realised that Youngbin couldn't see it.
"Extremely ready."
And then the door opened, Youngbin stuck his head in, and Alex tried very hard to look like a normal person with a normal reaction to his best friend with a cute new hair colour.
It was just that. A new hair colour. A vibrant red, certainly not a natural colour but not too neon either, a strawberry coloured head, hair still wet yet retaining it's wavy texture, and of course a big smile. But it really was nothing but a new colour, nothing Alex should've blushed over.
And yet he did.
"Boo."
Alex couldn't even pretend to be startled.
"It's good," he simply managed to say, and hoped for a shot in the head.
"I kind of left a mess in your bathroom. It's a murder scene now." And Youngbin held up his hands, stained once more, and it'd take a while to clean that up. "I am the murderer. Or the corpse." Then he looked down on himself, and pulled the collar of his t-shirt away from his skin to which it stuck. "I probably should've asked for your help but I wanted it to be a surprise, so-"
The smile didn't disappear.
"I can clean that another time. It looks good."
"You said that."
"I mean that."
"Well, glad you like it. So do I. And my hair doesn't even feel burnt to a crisp! Though-" He wiped his hands on the red shirt, and the stains on it were very obvious despite the surprisingly close colour match. "This is very wet and very uncomfortable."
"What you're saying is, 'Alex, since we are boyfriends, you surely wouldn't mind giving me a shirt of yours?'"
"I'm more so saying, 'Alex, I lend you one of my shirts the other day, so it's time for you to return the favour.'"
"I can work with that." He rolled off the mattress, opened the wardrobe slowly in order to catch any carelessly thrown in hoodies before Youngbin could see them, then reached into the clean/favourites pile of shirts. His old Paramore hoodie would do. It was nice and warm and Alex wore it whenever he was watching movies with Lani and Margo, or playing video games with Lani and Margo, or smoking with Lani and Margo, or spent hours alone in his bed listening to the same old dusty vinyl on repeat.
He threw it over to Youngbin, who caught it quite easily, then took a glance at the design as if he was judging something very personal about Alex. Then, with a nod, he- turned around? And lifted his shirt a bit to take it off? And then stopped mid movement, and turned around again, and his cheeks had become the colour of his hair.
"I'm not sure why I was the one to turn around." Alex took that as a sign to be the one instead, spun on his heel, very slowly closed his wardrobe, and Youngbin began to say something, "You don-," but cut himself off. By the time Alex turned back around, Youngbin was pretty much swimming in the hoodie.
"How do I look," he somehow said with a very straight face, and stretched his arms out to the side.
"Kind of stupid," Alex answered, I love it. You're so cute. I'm going to fucking die so many times.
"That's what I wanted to hear." He stuck a pose, and Alex laughed, and he kind of wanted to cry, because this was supposed to be just a crush, as in goes away after a week, can be ignored, doesn't mean shit, and not something's going horribly wrong with my heart whenever I look at you.
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WC: 9853
hi guys i think i huave every mental illness known to man. whats up in your life currently