I sit listening to Aeris talk about their latest council meeting, filling me in on all the decisions they had made and any changes that had occurred but I found it hard to concentrate.
All I could keep thinking of was watching him training with the other soldiers, the knowledge that they were preparing for war. Even as he spoke, talking of plans, they were all in preparation for the war that would begin any day, they would be leaving any day.
Suddenly I take Aeris' face in my hands and kiss him, at first he is surprised, but he is quick to reciprocate and his lips move against mine. Lips soft and devouring I push myself against him, wanting more, needing more.
I feel myself crawling onto his lap as he sits against the headboard, his hands around my waist and hip as I straddle him.
He pulls back breathless as I trail kisses along his jaw and down his neck.
"Dearest, I feel like I am going to regret asking this, but is everything alright?" He asks, his jaw tightening as I graze my teeth along his neck.
"Yes." I say before crushing my lips against his.
His hands dive into my hair, fingers wrapping around the strands and pulling me closer as his tongue moves against mine.
Any day now, any day now.
My fingers move to the buttons of his shirt as I undo them quickly and he sits forward as I pull the shirt free from him and toss it behind me. Then his lips are on my neck, his tongue licking and tasting and I dig my fingers into his shoulders, my hips moving against him as my body craves more.
Any day now, any day now.
He lets out a low growl before placing his hands on my shoulders and pushing me back, both of us breathless, his dark eyes wild with want and need and desire.
"You're not being yourself, and while I am internally kicking myself I think we should slow down right now and take a step back." He says, taking slow calming breaths.
I move towards him, wanting to kiss him again but he pushes me back, eyes searching mine as he studies me.
"Dearest what has changed? Why are you so desperate to take this step?" He asks, still keeping me at bay.
"Everything is going to change, you will be leaving any day, going off to war, what if this is the only chance we have?" I say desperately.
"You shouldn't want to do this because you are scared." He returns.
"No, I want you as well. I just feel like I might never get this chance again and I don't want to regret it. Don't you want to?" I ask, scared and confused.
"Dearest, you never need ask me that, of course I want to. But I don't want you making this decision for the wrong reasons. I don't want you rushing into something because you are scared. I can smell the fear radiating from you. I don't want your first time or our first time to be one of fear." He says calmly, hands smoothing down my arms before taking my face.
"I just...you're both going to leave...what if you don't come back? Or what if you do come back but you have changed your mind and you don't want the same things, you don't want me?" I say quietly, fears voicing their way out.
"Firstly, we will come back, we have always come back from every battle we have ever fought, this will be no different. Secondly, why would you think I would change my mind? If anything I will love and want you even more, being away from you, not being able to see you, thinking about you day in and day out. Time and distance and whatever we will face will not change how I feel about you." He answers placing a kiss on my forehead.
He holds my face, thumbs smoothing my cheeks before he kisses each one. He touches the necklace resting on my chest and smiles at me, kissing me once on the lips, pulling back quickly and I know he won't let things go any further.
"Come on dearest." He says shifting on the bed so that we can lie down. He wraps his arms around me and I rest my head in the crook of his shoulder, feeling the steady beat of his heart while I place my arm over his stomach.
I couldn't deny the words Dem had said still lingered in my mind and the threat of them changing and no longer wanting me terrified me. I had wanted tonight to be different, special, to take that final step with Aeris, in case I never got the chance again. But he had seen through it, he had sensed my fear, despite my assurances he knew I wasn't truly ready and I didn't know why.
I knew I loved him, I loved both of them, I wanted to be with them, in every way possible. I wanted to marry them and spend my life with them. So why did this one step, this one act seem so much more serious, more life changing then agreeing to marry them? Was it because we weren't married? Was it because my entire life I had been made to believe 'lying together' as my mother had called it was something only a husband and wife should do, that anything else was wrong? It was almost as if there was this little voice inside of me telling me anytime I felt ready, that I had wanted to do more, feel more, experience more, that it was wrong, that there was something missing.
"I know you are scared dearest, scared of what will happen, but you will be safe here in the palace. Demwyn has promised to keep you and the other chosen safe." Aeris says softly stirring me from my thoughts, his hand running up and down my arm.
"I'm not scared for myself, I'm scared for you and Alvaryn and all the others fighting with you. I have seen Arden's nightmares, I have lived them and I wouldn't wish it on anyone." I reply.
"Well his magic is useless against Alvaryn and as for me, he won't get close enough for his nightmares to do any damage. We have fought him and his people before and won, they have the human armies as well, but the humans are weak against fae soldiers. We are hoping to be able to change their minds and turn against Nievenyth and return to their homes before too many are lost. But as for Arden, he will be begging for a quick death once we get a hold of him, but he will be made to suffer for all he has done." He kisses my temple and I am left with images of Prince Arden, only he isn't begging for a quick death or screaming in pain, no he is smiling, smiling like he knows he has already won.
I wake some time later, it is darker, some of the lights had gone out and I feel something behind me.
I turn over, Aeris arms still around me as I find Alvaryn in the bed beside me.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" He whispers, reaching a hand out to cup my cheek.
"It's ok. Are you alright?" I ask.
"Fine, I was just with Demwyn." He answers and at the mention of Demwyn I feel my insides pull back at the memory of him speaking to me earlier today, at the look in his eyes.
"I know you two don't get along." He says quietly. "But I think once this war is over and done with and we are back that things will change, he will see that you aren't a threat, and there is nothing for him to be worried about and that we can all live here together as a family."
"That's very optimistic of you." I reply dryly, finding the idea of him accepting me and us all living together to be an impossible one.
"You just don't know Dem like I do. I know he seems a bit withdrawn and cold but he loves his family, his dislike of you is only because he doesn't know you and is worried you're trying to steal us away. Once we are married and settled then you will become family and I know things will be different." He smiles as his thumb traces my cheekbone.
I place my hand on his face and lean closer to him pressing my lips against his.
"I love you." I say softly against his mouth. I loved him for his optimism, of his vision for our future, no matter how hard it was for me to imagine I hoped it would come true.
"I love you too." He smiles, kissing me again.
"No making out while I'm trying to sleep please." Aeris mumbles behind me, shifting so he is pressed up against my back as his arm wraps around my waist.
Alvaryn and I smirk at each other before settling into the pillows.
Alvaryn takes my hand and kisses it, resting it between the two of us.
I had no idea how being married to two men would work. I didn't know how being intimate with both of them would work. I didn't know if we would all share a bed like we did now, or if we would each have our own? There were so many questions and unknowns but none of them mattered.
I didn't care how many beds we would have, or if we would have to create some kind of roster, all I knew is that I wanted them, both of them, and whatever came with that we would figure out together.