Holy fuck! I'm literally slapped in the face, hard. This contract is so fucked up. What is this? Sexual military! I can't let myself do these things. Let him using my body just for pleasure, doing things he asks me to do? Obeying him in every way? This is so fucked up. I'm more shocked than to be angry with him and me, shocked because I didn't see it coming, I haven't noticed a beautiful and strong, rich man like him, who made sweet love to me last night, could be so dangerous and dark, I have read in romance story a lot but never thought it could actually be true, never thought I could get to these tricks. He was right!
There should have been a problem in which I notice it now that it's too late. Too late to run off of it. The anger comes over me and stops my vision. I'm shaking and yet frozen, keeping the three-page contract connecting me to him in my hand. I don't even dare to look up at him; my head is still down, my eyes dancing over the rules, passing lines after lines, making sure I didn't miss a word, yet I know I haven't, it's all true.
"Is there anything you need to know? Please ask." He breaks the silence with his calm voice. I look at him, speechless and hit by a great stone as knows as the damn contract in my hand. My own misery in my own hand. Why didn't I see it coming? I blink a couple times at him. He doesn't give any emotions. So bossy of him. Now it all turns out itself. "You can quit it anytime you don't want." He says when he sees I don't talk.
My tongue can't even move, let alone talking. My mouth is sealed. Is this what it's supposed to be? I swallow hard and close my eyes, pretending I'm not here, he doesn't sit in front of me, and I'm not in his apartment, way too far away from here and earth.
For one second, he was my prince with the white horse. He was the man who made sweet love to me last night, who hold me close to his chest and planted kisses on my forehead as I drifted to sleep. He was my brave rescuer; he was supposed to save me from my own hell. Just for a second. But now, here we are, sitting and talking about me being his fuck slave for three damn months.
"Why do you have to do this?" I stutter. Still, my eyes are closed. I don't dare to open them; I don't want to face the reality, don't want to see the mistake I've done and he puts me in.
"That's the way I want it to be; no love, no romance yet with much caring and relationship enough to fill your needs as well," He says each word with such a confidence. He is calm and relaxes, taking sips from his drink in his hand. I, on the other hand, am a blind and a wreck. What should I do?
"You take pleasure out of putting people in pain, this is not about partnership or even giving pleasure, it's about you taking advantage of someone. That's called abuse." This is hectic. How can these things give human pleasure, I'm sure they won't give that to me. Plus, am I able to tolerate being tied up while he fucks me? Oh god, I surely spent too much time in my own shell.
"I will never force you into it. You don't know much about it, I take it, but I promise it doesn't look like that. It can bring so much pleasure to us. Consider it as a normal sex, but with some things in between like me being in charge of you, doesn't that turn you on?" Turning me on? No, it more sounds like turning me away. So this is both sides. I don't think so. This contract only has benefits to him.
I inhale deeply as like I'm so in need of the air. This is frustrating. I put my head in my hands and lean forward. Even my hands can't take the heavy tension I have in my head. I stare down at the ground under my feet. What will happen to those feelings I had for him?
I still like him and I still want to be with him, but with this, with giving him the consents to my body, for as much as gentle he could be. Knowing that he doesn't want me the way I want him. I want him to cherish me, love me, make love to me each time instead of some passionate and pleasure he gets when he fucks me. Fuck this all. I still have a feeling for him, want him badly, and want him to kiss me, touch me. But does it worth it? To put my body, my mind in illusion and let him take pleasure, that maybe meanwhile he would give that pleasure back to me? He doesn't say a word. Neither should he. His contract explained all. I know it then, I have to let go.
"There are differences between my contract and BDSM and I want you to know this. I don't want you to feel you're in a BDSM contract. I know you may think like that, but I promise you, I don't do BDSM. Period."
A what? What the fuck is that? Bet he is more knowledgeable in these things. But then of course he is. He is the one with the contract. But what the hell is that one?
"What does it mean?" I raise my head. Andrew raises his eyebrow slightly, surprised at me not knowing what BDSM means.
"You don't know what it is?" He cocks his head to one side.
"No, I don't, because I'm not used to opening my leg for every man I see, sure, I'm outgoing and hang out with cool people, but there is modesty," my point is bold and frankly sharp like an insult to him. Andrew Martinez, a very handsome man who I have feelings for him and thought him as my prince turns into a person who doesn't want anything from me, but my body and the pleasure I can give him, I shout my words silently in my head. Can this be more horrible and fucked up than it is right now? My lack of confidence and bravery doesn't allow me to speak out loud.
"The BDSM relationship is between a dominant and a submissive under some soft and hard limits with special rules. The BDSM is known as its kinky sex toys and rough hard fuck. It's about being dominated and dominating." he explains to me like he is talking to a child. "My contract has indeed some rules which you have to obey them as like a submissive submits, but I'm not a dominant nor you are a submissive, let's just say it's a way for you to give me consent that I can have sex with you and for me to have an obligation and to make sure I do as to your standards, for both sides," Wow, I didn't know any of that. Sure, I knew about the existence of the so-called 'rough sex with kinky toys' and even heard the terms Dominant and Submissive but not in details, guess I have a virgin brain then.
Dominant. Submissive. Sex toys. God, what is happening around us? I'm just wondering which woman will allow herself to have these things worked on her. I was thinking how much miserable and fucked up this contract is, but now I see. There are millions fucked up things in the world that I don't know about.
"Laura, I'm serious, this is not a BDSM. I want you to know this and remember this; I'm not going to use those things, do those things on you, although I will have my own punishments. But my terms don't run as hard as a Dom. Those are completely against what I want." Can I still do it? Anytime he wants me; can I give him what he wants while I know he can't give me what I want?
I stare deeply at him, who is this guy really? Those blue eyes, that once were my smooth ocean where I can lose myself into it, are now dark and black. There was a time I thought his gaze are full of love, hope, and joy, but now when he is looking at me, all I can see is heated leer, ogling on my body. Why me? Why should I be the one he wants to be with? Why this way? As a child, I always thought that God had forgotten to put luck in my fate, now once more I become to believe in that.
"I don't think that I can do it for three months." I don't think that I can even do it at all!
"Two month is the ultimate." I nod. Andrew seems so relaxed and certain of anything. For concerns, how many miserable girls like me were trapped in here, between hell and fire? Any way you go, you will burn.
"How many girls were before me?" I want to cry. What will happen to my pride? I can't.
He looks at me, not sure for the words he wants to throw in my face.
"Twelve."
"And what happened to them?"
"Some quit after three months or fewer, one met someone else, the other preferred a Dom, and others just walk away to their life."
What am I going to be then? Probably the first one walks away at the first sight. I shot a guilty look at the innocent papers on the coffee table that separate Andrew and me, though we have a light-year space. The thing he wants me to be and do for him is not only opposite of what I wanted but breaks my own personal protection from dark and dangerous places. The places I know exist but don't have any desire to have a taste. But having him sitting here in front of me, wanting me to do them, wanting me to be the one he wants me to be, is so distracting.
I haven't had such deep feelings for someone before him, and apparently, he turned out to a person who would never love me, not even capable of it. I exhale so deep, so in need of the oxygen to my chest because the pain is taking apart my heart.
"And you never wanted more with any of them?"
"No," the reply comes quick and stern. "You don't have to do it. I'm still saying; this relation is different from BDSM."
I brush my hair with my hand. Two choices, one decision, one chance, one life.
"Would you like me to show you around?" Do I? He pushes to his feet and extends his hand for me to follow him for the tour. At least I can accept this. He doesn't want me to do anything. Yet.
I smile and put my hand on his and follow him out of his office. Just in front of his office is another door similar to his office's door. We approach the door and he opens it with his other hand, since his other hand is in mine, warming my cold and pale skin. Making me feel the heat I will never have. Though the smile is anything but a show.
"The library, I assume you are a novel reader right?"
"Yes, a bookworm, if you would like to put it." And the reason why I thought he is a normal guy. Who am I kidding? Somehow I can say I assumed him as my own Mr. Rochester. My favorite character. I love Jane Eyre; her confidence in front of the problems of life is something I'm looking for it in myself, though we have a lot of differences.
"You can use here anytime you want. I think I have some good collection of first editions." As always, showing off his wealth. Well, wow! Talking to him about these things makes me forget the incident happened in his office. That storm hit me hard and dropped me on my knees, undefended and weak.
Tugging my hand, he walks in another direction. Wow! This is really called penthouse. I seem to get my head to clear out about all things he told me, hands in hands as we walk around his penthouse, him showing me his house, makes us a normal couple having their first date or so. We pass the kitchen with a quick glance I see more of modern theology in his kitchen. Very high-class oven, and rounds and rounds of cabinets.
I get to know this place has a second floor, which takes the stairs with ten or more steps to the upstairs. We pass the stairs and stop before a door seems more luxurious than others, I can guess it's his bedroom. Andrew opens the door slightly; He turns and smiles at me before opening it wider. Stepping in, He releases my hand and steps aside to let me have more room to look through it. Wow! Fresh smell and bright colors, that's very billionaire of him, a very big bed at the center, dominating the room, two drawers, one with mirror and the other is just a chest of drawers. A cream chaise lounge is settling on the right side next to the doors.
Two doors on the right side of the room and on the other side is a ceiling to floor window wall, raising the town's lights and beauty to itself, having the best view I have ever seen. This is the place where he wakes and sleeps. That is very interesting to know that how this place and its view can get you such a confidence. He steps closer to me that almost I can feel him behind me.
"You've got a really big room here; it's as big as my whole apartment and maybe more,"
"Yeah, I got spare money to spend on" Of course you do. You're on the ten richest guys in the America! Now I can see why all girls are so desperate to tear his clothes off. The fact of his wealth and youth is irresistible.
"Let's go to our room." Our room? What does that mean? I hesitate and he turns back to face me.
"I thought that this room is where we..." my words fail. I'm not even able to talk about these things to him. Jesus, what am I going to say? That, where is the place you're going to fuck me hard? I swallow so hard that I can even hear my swallowing sound.
"No, Laura. This is my room," he tugs my hand harder, demanding me for my movement, wanting me out of his room. "We are going to some other room."
"But why not here?" We move out of his room and to the bottom of the stairs.
Then he decides to answer my question, "Because I don't like to sleep in my bed thinking that a second ago I fucked you and filled you with orgasms. Plus sleeping with women is not on my list of things to do, fucking, however, is- of course, you of all people have an exception, so with the passage of time, maybe a few things would change," He talks shamelessly, and the reason is so obvious. He must have this conversion with every other twelve girls before me. I'm just wondering if they were attracted to him like I do.
On the second floor, there is a long corridor with several closed doors and some red cherry benches on the same side. There is a giant frame with rolling door on the left side, we pass it and I take a quick glance. It's a private living room, I guess. It looks warmer than other places of this apartment. Correction the museum.
Andrew opens a door at the end of the foyer. He steps aside again and gives me some room to enter. I step in and face with a large bed in the middle of the room just as like as his room, but the colors are faded or they seem so in my eyesight. Two doors on one side and one on the other wall next to them, you have to turn one hundred eighty degrees to see it since it's located next to the entry door. I wonder what it could be. On the other side, a very big window from ceiling to the floor brightens the room; a balcony is added to the view. The lights in the morning must be fascinating here. A simple drawer and a one arm chair give some life to the dead room.
"This is actually your room. You can sleep here while you are in terms of the contract."
"You do realize that this is a big deal, how can you expect me to embrace this all and not be confused and doubted about my sanity?"
"We will discuss anything and everything later. Whatever you want," He moves closer to me. "Right now, we have more important things to do." I stop in the middle of the room facing the bed. My eyes are fixed on the bed. Thinking of what will happen in here.
On this bed. He and I. Just thinking of it, it makes me want to scream and run to heels, though I'm still here, waiting for him to tell me something that will bring life to me. Something that I expect him to say since the day I met him. Something about his feeling toward me. Anything that keeps me here, anything that assures me of my senses. Yet, a person like him, who continued to this lifestyle, knowing nothing better than what he's done to those girls, is not capable of love. Is he?
His hands touch my arm and down to my hands. I close my eyes hold still as a statue. Am I able to cope with it? His touch is not the same. I don't feel the sparks I felt last night; I don't see any more excitement. Is this an effect of the contract?
He runs his hands through my hair to straighten them and takes them away from his way. From his touch.
"I missed you, even though it's just been a day," Andrew whispers into my ear, so close that the heat of his breath shivers my plain skin. No Andrew, this wasn't what I wanted you to say... you just had to screw things over.
He leans down to kiss me, to start our relationship. Our misery with together, to be specific. I can't. I really can't. He and I are just wrong. I turn my face away, officially telling him that I don't, can't, maybe won't be able to be with him.
"I can't,"
"What's wrong?" He frowns.
"It's just..." disability, frustration, broken heart, pain, pleasure, all in all, is killing me inside out. "Andrew, I can't do it."
"Why? What's wrong? Tell me," he is angry, perhaps worried that his worst fear comes to his mind, just as it came to mine the minute he stepped out of my house the other night and I thought I'm destroyed or maybe he's thinking of all the wasted time he spared me and now I'm slipping out of his reach.
When you face the reality, you will understand that all this time you were a complete blind that you couldn't see the truth behind your back, and that's why I'm afraid of most. That one day when I see them, it's too late. Too late to step back and fix things. What happened in the past is happening in the past and you can't fix them.
"Andrew, I can't let this happen. I can't break down my limits for you," he looks lost.
"You don't have to break down any limits for me; we are in this with together."
"You don't see it, your conditions, your kind of relationship or contract or whatever you call it, needs to sacrifice one's life. And it's impossible for me; I can't just give up everything and let you take the lead of my life." I want to cry, want to drop to my knees, sob, become so small as possible as I can. "Letting you touch me means, agreeing to your contract. I can't tolerate with your touch, you have to understand me. This isn't about you, it's about me- I can't fit in here." All this time he keeps still and frowning, with his silence, he tears me up.
"I do understand you, Laura. I don't have any hold on you. You are free to go, if you say you can't be with me, then you can't and I completely respect." I didn't expect this one, too. I thought if I tell him so, he would stop me, but he lets me go. He steps aside from my way to the door, but still facing me. He is looking at me, but I don't dare look at his fine face, shame and sadness are two mixed-up emotions that keep me from thinking straight.
I keep my eyes on the door. Two ways, two different decisions, one choice. One will save me and the other will throw me to the hell I made for myself. I don't blame him for his being in this way, a young adult who likes to enjoy his life as long as he is young by seducing and using women. And me, a young girl looking for her dreams, working hard for money and a living, waking up every single day in order to find her prince and find her fancy. We are two different people.
I take a deep breath, nervously looking down, counting down to say my last words to him. It's my entire fault. And I'm about to fix this yet I'm the one who probably gets disadvantages since he will go to his normal life. I nod at him and take my first shaky steps out. Passing the door, I get a horrible heart ache and somehow to manage it, a specific remorse I have never felt before. The moment I find myself in the middle of the corridor, I realize he's not following me.
Fears and overwhelm feelings come down to my feet and make me run as fast I can. In a blink of time, I'm in the living room, I take my purse as fast I can and head to the elevators. By my unpredictable chance, the doors slide open and I throw myself into it. My eyes are getting hot and wet with tears. The vision in front of me is blurry. The doorman jumps up as he gets a sign of me and leaps out of his desk to open the front door for me. I murmur a thank-you then get as far as possible from him.
There is always a theory says if you feel so bad, have some tea, I try it, but it doesn't work as I expected. My appetite is gone so I dress down and throw myself into my bed. The first few seconds after lying down and killing the lights is so quiet but the air fills with my crying sound. I sob shamelessly in darkness and let my cry guide me through hell. Luckily tiredness cuts off my tears and I drift into sleep. But the thought of being unwanted once again in my life doesn't leave me.
I wake up at eight, but don't have any power to work. I sit up on my bed and stare at my knuckles. The only thing I can swallow is some sip of coffee. I called Ben and made him aware of my absence. He thought I had a cold, which I don't, but he is right. My voice is so crooked. After thinking a lot in the morning and at night, I decide on what everyone suggests a broken person would be after her breakup, though I haven't been in an actual relationship that makes me so broken now.
The thought of it makes me laugh. Because of my past, I didn't want to date much, I was scared, I didn't trust men, but that didn't stop me from being free and having fun. Yet, now that I opened up to the one and only Andrew Martinez, I become to find out he's like others, and now I'm more wounded than ever. Are these wounds going to heal ever?
The only thing is to forget and move on. I shouldn't have accepted to go with him. As I sit in my living room, a terrified silence on my living room kills my confidence. I turn on the TV. Everything is alright, but suddenly a sharp ring sound spreads through the room. Who's that? The number is unknown. I answer it anyway.
"Hello?"
"Are you okay? Is everything alright?" A very soft and smooth sound with some sexy attitude added, speaks. The speaker doesn't need to say his name. He is the only Andrew Martinez. His voice is busting me to tears. How did he even find my number? What's with him and my info? He knows things that he shouldn't have to know! And he is worried! Well, that's new. I thought after last night, none of us wants to see each other or to hear each other's voice, yet he calls and asks me if I'm ok!
"Um...," Am I okay? Absolutely NO! "Yeah, I'm okay. I will get there." I swear I heard his sigh of relief. He was really worried about me. "Why did you call?"
"Well, you haven't replied to my emails and texts. I called your office; they told me you didn't go there. I was getting worried that something happened to you." Something did happen to me. You!
"Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't feeling well in the morning," Someone on the other side calls his name but he rejects them, to talk to me.
"How about now? Do you need any medicine? Can I do anything for you?" Oh yes, let me live my life. I really don't get it, him calling me asking if I'm okay, it's totally unlike him. Is this a joke? My life's been always a joke. "Do you want me to come over?"
"I'm fine, I just need time. I will be alright. Sorry for making you worried about me."
"I told you before; your safety is my responsibility." Not anymore!
A very hurtful and awkward silence fills our line. Both keeping quiet and listening to each other's sound of breathing. I wish he was here, with me. I wish he was a normal guy, looking for a normal relationship. Accepting me as his girl, as I am. Not a sub or a partner or slave or whatever he calls his damned relation.
"You forgot your jacket, would you like me to send it to you?" Did I?
"Oh, yes please if you don't mind."
"Not at all."
"Thanks," Every start has an ending. And so does ours. "Goodbye Andrew,"
"Goodbye, Miss Brown,"
We both hang up at the same time, rather than to stay and keeping silence and doing all teenager things. I lurch from the sofa and pace around the room like a panther. I admit it, his voice is so, so hot. Why he even called me? I thought he's already moved on, like everybody else does, forgetting the last one and moving on. I rub my forehead with my hands. This is unbelievable. Although I can't be with him the way he wants me, I want to be with him. Desire makes me want him more than anything. But am I able to embrace this fact? To be the one he wants me to be?
At night, I can only toss and turn, my heart is slipping into my mouth. It's so frustrating. Frantic is all over me. I know I will finally sleep, but I'm not sure if tonight is like most of the nights when dreams are going to haunt me. I'm not sure if he has any effect on my dreams. Dreams and things I used to forget them.
After lots of talking me into going to that party with Ella and Alice, I finally decide to go. At least, there are too many friends that I'm sure I will be occupied by them. Dressing up, as usual, I take a taxi to Ella's house. As I thought, her place is so crowded with different girls that they won't give a damn about me. Nice. It's six which means I should stay here for five hours or so. I can cope with it.
"Hey, I knew you can make it. Kick it out, Laura. Forget about everything." Alice greets me. I reply her with a smile.
Hopefully, she walks away and makes herself busy with some other friends. I manage a seat for myself. Keeping a drink in my hand, I amuse myself with it. However, I think, it's alcohol that makes me smile like idiots.
Eventually, I look up. Ella gets my gaze and presses her lips into a hard line. She starts walking toward me. Holy shit, I'm in trouble. I'm not that drunk, still can get some issues discussed with my friends, but when it comes down to an issue named Andrew Martinez, I don't think I will be able to talk about it.
She sits next to me and faces me. "Is everything alright Laura?You don't look good. You're getting me worried."
"Uh, Ella, I'm confused. Frustrated. Helpless. I don't even know what the hell is wrong with me." I close my eyes and duck my head down. She puts her hand on my back and caresses it.
"What's wrong? Talk to me, maybe I can help you, darling. Is that something to with...?"
"No, but there is someone whom I thought he really wants me, but it turned out that he isn't whom I thought, not even close."
"Go on," Ella whispers near my ear as I lean on my elbow and get my head with my hands.
"I'm so confused. It's not like he doesn't want me. He does, but..." I sigh. "In an unusual way. I'm afraid that one day he would turn away from me and I'm going to be alone with my misery, because, at this point, I have no idea how this could possibly work. What if he gets tired of me? The situation he is in is far away from where I am." My voice is falling apart.
"Do you think it's a waste of time to be with him?" she takes a deep breath and continues, "Do you think falling for him is going to hurt you, just because he's not the one you thought he had to be. Give it a little chance baby, let him prove himself to you. Don't put an end to it, when you don't even know who he is."
"I know, but... still, he can't be... he is... I guess I don't know anything." I sigh again, "You know he's the most amiable sweet person I've met. I've come to know how a wonderful man he is inside. But I guess he has some demons inside that don't allow him to show his perfection."
"I don't care who he is unless he's a psychopath and he has some crazy stuff in mind, if you like him, you should fight for it. Not every love story starts with an 'I love you' remember," she continues caressing my back, comforting me. But damn how close she is... "Honestly Laura," I raise my head to face her. "Every man has a demon. They are not compassionate and they wouldn't show their feeling at the first sight. If you believe that this man is as gentle and sweet as you mentioned then I guess he is worth a fight. You are worrying yourself too much. All you need to do is to go to him and be with him. I'm sure he can't reject you. How can you say you're not enough for him or he will turn away from you unless you try? Answer me honestly, when was the last time you were in a relationship." Ah yeah, relationship. Does his kind of relationship include this? I don't think so.
I shrug, but then I say, "You don't know him. I told you he's completely different from whom you've ever seen, or at least I've seen."
"Hell, who cares? How do you know he's different when you haven't even been with him? He wants sex? So what? You also my dear have to live a little life," I just happen to know because I was there and about to sign those papers. "Every man has his own demons, remember that; they try their best to how tough they can be but inside they will one day kneel down before a woman, at least that's what I think my man would be like. You don't really expect him to run into your arms and tell you he loves you, do you?"
I shake my head. He loves me? That must be a dream since I'm the only one here who has feelings. He just wants me. Besides, I don't think those feelings go so far into love. Like and desire yes, but love? I doubt that.
"Life is simple. Be with him and do whatever your heart tells you to do. Forget your mind and whatever pulls you away. And if you believe things won't work out then, don't even go there. You know it wouldn't worth the heartbreak,"
Her words drop in my mind like a coin. All of them are true. I won't know unless I try. What if after a while Andrew understands my feelings and wants me as I want him. He, himself, told me there is a chance he's going to become someone else. Who said people don't change? I will change him, by changing myself to the one he wants. I break my limits for him in order to break his. I'm going to listen to my heart and do as I'm told. I'm going to forget what my limits tell me and just listen to my feelings. He didn't tell me he likes me, but then I haven't too. Not every couple has met each other just on occasion and they tell each other how much they like one another. Not every love story starts with an 'I love you'. That's it. I stand up take a look at my watch; good, it's seven and fifteen. Ella stands up with me.
"Where are you going?" she looks up surprised by my actions.
"I'm going to listen to my heart." I grab my purse and turn to her.
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Hey, what's up?
what do you think about the chapter? do you think he's really going to punish her? do you think that she would stay with him? let me know what you expect and what you think of each chapter. and don't forget to put your playlist kindly in the comments. and one more thing...
my other book called The Unnoticed Billionaire is out now. Make sure you check it:)
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