This chapter caused me a lot of distress to get right. It wasn't until my amazing – newly acquired – betareader offered to brainstorm along with me, putting up with all the chaos that follows when I can't get the story right, that we together finally came up with where the story should go. (Mostly her idea, so a thousand times thank you for that.)
I hope you all enjoy this new chapter.
- Love, Ayana
"Remember we have that dinner tomorrow. The one with my parents." Alex says as he returns from the kitchen. Henry still hasn't really been able to move since their discussion. He feels like all they ever do at this point is fight or fuck. Or more precisely fight, then fuck, then fight again. And he doesn't know how long he can keep doing this, without his heart taking permanent damage.
"Do we have to?" Henry really doesn't feel like lying to Alex' parents, pretending that this thing is real. Not when he isn't sure if he wants to keep pretending for himself.
"Of course, we have too. Richards will be calling them soon, remember? We need to get ahead." Alex drops down on the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table.
"Maybe we should just stop this charade now..." Henry mumbles and Alex who had been getting very comfortable on the couch, smiling content, instantly takes his feet of the table and sits up straight, his smile completely gone and staring at Henry in disbelief.
"You can't be serious, right?" he asks incredulously.
"I am, Alex. I told you from the very beginning that this was a terrible idea." The anxiety in his body makes Henry get up and he paces back and forth, Alex following his every move. "I never even intended for it to go this far."
"No, no, no, no." Alex grabs Henry's wrist when he comes close enough to the couch, stopping him in his pacing. "You were in, Henry. You said yes. You said yes!" Desperation is seeping from Alex. And Henry's heart is breaking. He hates that Alex is so invested in this fake relationship and how it can save their careers, and he hates it even more that he has to rip it from him, But Henry just can't do it anymore. This is more than his career now. This is causing permanent damage to his heart. He has to end this. And he needs to end it now.
"Because I thought I could get you to realize how stupid it was after a few weeks of engagement!" Frustrated, Henry yanks his writs out of Alex' grasp. "But now you want us to announce our engagement. To your parents, nonetheless. And Richards will call my grandfather. My grandfather, Alex! This is a bloody disaster!"
"We can make it work, Henry. We can, I know we can... look at us, we are fucking good together."
"Stop it..." with his eyes firmly closed, Henry shakes his head, "please just stop it, Alex. I can't take this anymore. It's over." Henry doesn't elaborate what he means, because he can't fucking do this right now.
"Don't say that." Alex voice cracks and suddenly he is standing right in front of Henry, clutching Henry's hands. "It's not over. It doesn't have to be over..."
"I'm sorry." Henry pulls his hand out of Alex' and then proceeds to take of the ring. Alex gasps and he tries to back away from Henry, but Henry has an iron grip on Alex' wrist and before he can get too far away, he places the ring in the palm of his hand. "We're over. Here's your ring back. I can't keep doing this."
Before Alex can say anything, Henry rushes out the door. Only taking his phone and wallet with him. He can get his stuff later, because if he doesn't leave right now, he knows he won't be able to leave at all.
¤¤¤¤¤
"He left me... He just left me..." Alex tells his sister on the phone. He is still in disbelief of what just happened a few moments ago "I didn't think he would leave me..."
"We are still talking about the singer, right? The blond guy with the incredible voice." Alex sighs and barely resists the urge to throw the phone across the room. Had June been here and not on the phone, he definitely would have throttled her or something just to let out his frustrations.
"Yes, June. Who else would I talk about? Keep up."
"But I'm still not sure I get why you are upset." Alex can hear June's confusion on the other end. "He promised to give you a year – which he has – and you promised him that in return you could turn him into a star. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way, so he left, and now you pout over it? Of course, he left!" she says matter of factly. "You were unsuccessful." And ouch that stings to hear that from June. "I mean he did get one single gig, which I've heard he was amazing at, but you still didn't get him a record deal or another booking for a show or something. You can't blame him for leaving. The poor guy is probably homesick and doesn't see a reason to waste any more time here when he didn't get the breakthrough, he had hoped for."
"It's not... It's..." A skull splitting headache is approaching fast. It's not June's fault, just the fact that the truth hurts more than he'd like to admit. "Fuck... maybe you're right."
"I'm sorry, Alex. I hate that this is upsetting you so much. Is there anything I can do?" June's voice is softer now.
"No, I don't think so." Theoretically he knows that talking to June about it will probably help, but for it to really help, he needs to tell her that he fell in love with Henry. That he pushed so damn hard for a stupid marriage, just in hopes that Henry would at one point love him too. He will have to tell her, that he had actually believed that Henry did love him but was just scared... and he will have to tell, he had it all wrong. Henry hadn't loved him... and that is the part that hurts too much to share right now. So, even though he knows things will get better if he talks to her, he is just not ready. "I'm sorry June. I have to go."
"Alex... are you sure you are alright?" Alex nods even though he knows she can't see him.
"Yeah, I'm fine... I just... not now, okay? Talk to you later."
As soon as he hangs up, a notification appears on the phone. A reminder of the dinner reservation he had made for them. The romantic dinner he had planned because he was so sure that Henry loved him back, and he wanted to take him out and tell him that he loved him. Hoping Henry then would be ready to say it back. He had everything planned out so perfectly. But he had been all wrong apparently.
Alex stares at the notification as the frustration and anger takes over with full force.
"AAARRGHHH!" Alex screams and throws the phone straight through the room, watching it hit the wall with a crash. How can he not have known that everything had been fake. Every single touch, every passionate kiss. Everything. Alex had been too caught up in his own feelings and too fucking stupid to even realize it!
The worst part is, that Alex had practically tried to force Henry to feel the same. Just because he had no idea about how Henry really felt. And now, thinking back, Alex can see the signs of Henry trying to get Alex to focus on his job instead of this fake marriage that Henry obviously had no interest in, at all. Henry getting mad at Alex for not trying harder to get him a new gig opportunity at the afterparty instead of him focusing on protecting their fake relationship. Henry getting angry at Alex for making fun of the girl that Henry had made an agreement to record a single with. It all adds up. Alex had just focused too much on the relationship instead of doing his job. And now he has lost him.
After watching the probably broken phone on the floor for about fifteen minutes, Alex decides to go check out the damages. Instead of picking it up, he slides down to the floor, his back against the wall and examines the phone. The screen is cracked, and completely black. Closing his eyes and sending a silent prayer to whatever god that might be listening, he tries to turn the phone on. Maybe it still works. Nothing happens. Alex takes a deep breath and gives it another try. Still nothing.
Fuck!
Now, on top of everything, he has to get a now phone.
That's it, Alex decides. There has never been a better time to go out drinking. He gets up from the floor and hops into the shower really quick. Trying to think about something other than Henry moaning with his back up against the shower wall, or Henry whimpering in Alex' arms, as he fingers him to an orgasm. A few minutes into the shower, Alex gives up and hurries out. That just has to be good enough. He can't stay in there when all he can see and hear is Henry. He wipes the mirror clean, but when he sees the state of his curls, the only thing on his mind is Henry's hands running through them. Henry tugging at his hair as he curses and face-fucks him. Henry gathering all Alex' products and convinces him to use them because he likes how Alex hair looks when it's taken care of in the right way – not that he actually ever said that out loud, so that might just be Alex' mind playing tricks on him.
He rushes into the bedroom, completely ignoring the bed, that is of course neatly made, because Henry is the type of guy that makes the bed, and Alex grabs some random clothes to put on. But before he leaves the bedroom, he can't resist to let his eyes fall on the bed. The bed they shared for so long. There's still signs of Henry. The book by the nightstand. A forgotten teacup, which almost makes Alex laugh, because Henry would be appalled by himself if he knew he had forgotten to take it into the kitchen. Stepping closer, he bends down and lets a hand run over the cover on Henry's side of the bed. If he closes his eyes, he can almost imagine Henry lying on top of the covers, reading his book while trying his best to ignore Alex as he keeps talking to him. The memory brings a tiny smile to Alex lips, and he suddenly feel this overwhelming need to be close to anything regarding Henry, instead of getting away from it.
He pulls the covers back and climbs into bed, putting his head on Henry's pillow. He takes a deep breath, inhaling that familiar smell of Henry that still lingers. He pulls the covers around him and hugs the pillow tightly, wrapping himself up in the one thing that truly makes him feel like Henry is still here. If he closes his eyes and just pictures Henry being in the shower right now, he can almost convince himself that Henry will appear in the door any minute, complaining that Alex is stealing his side of the bed. But that doesn't happen, of course. He lays there for a few minutes and it hits him that Henry is really gone. His eyes fill with tears, and he can barely hold them back. In the back of his mind, he hears a door opening but he's too caught up to look.
"What are you doing?" June is suddenly standing in the doorway, concern shining so clearly from her. "I thought you sounded too distraught to be alone, so I came over." She can't see Alex face yet, but she hears silent sniffles coming from him.
"I fucked up, June. I really fucked up." His voice cracks and a few stray tears start to stream down his cheek. "Oh honey... this isn't about him leaving as a client, is it?" Alex wipes the tears away with the back of his hand.
"No, no of course it isn't." Alex thinks it should have been kind of obvious.
An unexpected knock on the door makes Alex instantly look up.
"Henry..." he mumbles and battles to get out of the bed fast but is caught in the cover that is wrapped tightly around him, making him drop down to the floor almost landing headfirst as his feet are still tangled up in the fabric. Franticly, he tries to get free, but it requires June's help before he finally is able to stand up. He rushes to the door, almost tripping over his own feet, stumbling forward in an attempt to find solid and stable ground, almost falling over again, before then proceeding to run forwards. When he reaches the door, he rips it open, uncaring of the state he is in; tearstained cheeks, red puffy eyes and the complete mess of his airdried hair. "Henry!" he shouts, but disappointment hits him just as fast as the hope had done. Outside the door is a different Fox, not the one he had been hoping for. "Beatrice." He can't hide the disappointment in his voice, but she doesn't seem to be bothered by it.
"Oh," Bea steps back surprised by the force the door was opened with. Then she looks him over, noticing the signs of distress on him and her expression changes. She reaches out as if to brush away the tears that have already begun to fall again but changes her mind and lets her hand fall down her side. "He's gone, isn't he?"
¤¤¤¤¤
"You aren't serious, are you?" Bea has her arms crossed over her chest, staring at Henry. "You actually intend to go back to England and grandpa, accepting him to have control over your life again? And for what, Hen?"
"What other choice do I have, Bea?" Henry sighs as he continues to pack his belongings into boxes, wrapping everything neatly and labeling it. "I've already made up my mind." He had gone back to his old apartment after he ran away from Alex.
"Henry, this is stupid." Bea steps closer and puts her hand on Henry's shoulder. He sends her a little smile and puts his hand on top of hers, squeezing it before going back to the task at hand.
"I never said it was smart." Finishing up his current box, he hands Beatrice the tape dispenser for her to tape it shut, before walking over to another box, packing up something else. Bea begins to tape up the box in silence at first, hoping that Henry is going to open up by himself, but he doesn't.
"Henry..." she tries but Henry interrupts her.
"Please, just... not now, okay? I need to not talk about it." His voice is soft, but very strained. "I gave it a fair chance, as I promised. I tried my luck here, and it didn't succeed. I don't have the talent to make it as a singer, so I don't know what else to do. There is nothing for me here, so I might as well go back to England."
"There's Alex." Bea states gently.
Even just hearing his name sends shivers all over Henry's body. He misses him so much, that he physically aches for him.
"Can we not talk about him?" Every emotion is drained from Henry's voice. He has nothing left. His heart is just an empty shell that Henry knows will never be filled again.
"If that's what you really want then I won't mention it again, but can I just ask one last question...?"
"Okay..." Henry has never been good at denying Bea anything. Not even when it is almost causing him physical pain – not that she knows this, of course.
"Are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure you want to go back to England? Because, if you are, I will support your decision completely, Henry. But if you're not... then maybe we can figure something else out together."
With a shaky voice, Henry mutters, "I'm sure..." And he is. He is sure that whatever hell that awaits him back home, is nothing compared to the torment he has put his heart through, trying to not love Alex. And the sheer thought of being in the same country as Alex and going on with this charade is literally killing him.
"As long as you are sure..." Bea takes Henry's hand and squeeze it before going back to helping him pack his things.
Henry looks around at the almost packed up apartment, trying to ignore all the things he knows are missing. The things that are still in Alex' house. He could go and get them. Alex would let him; he knows he would, but Henry is not sure he will have the strength to leave the place again. So, he has to say goodbye to it all. Along with his career. And his heart.
A wave of the physical discomfort over leaving Alex rushes over him, and he screws his eyes shut, trying to get rid of pain. The memories. The emotions. And then the nausea comes. Just like it always does. Henry hunches over and take deep breaths through his nose while attempting to clear his mind completely. Bea is by his side, stroking his back. But it doesn't matter what she does, or what Henry tries himself; Nothing is able to relieve him from this torture. Images still come crushing through his mind. Images of Alex laughing, Alex yelling, Alex smiling, Alex cooking, Alex kissing him... it all runs through his mind. Even Alex with his face contorted in pleasure, writhing beneath Henry, fill his mind making it impossible for Henry to breathe.
In the end, he can't take it anymore. Henry pulls out his phone with trembling hands. Not being completely sure he should do it. He opens it and the very first number in his contacts is staring up at him, waiting. Then he presses it and puts the phone to his ear. The pain slowly dulling down as he waits for the call to go through. But it doesn't. It goes straight to voicemail. The pain comes crushing back, pushing Henry down to his knees, as an involuntary sob escapes him. Bea is instantly next to him taking him into her arms.
It seems Alex has already blocked his number, why else would it go straight to voicemail?
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"So, you love him?" June sips her beer sitting across from Alex at her apartment. Once he has told her how the entire house was giving him anxiety and causing him pain, she had helped him pack a bag so he could stay with her a few days. And that is how Alex now finds himself in his sister's kitchen, drinking beer while wearing pajamas. Once he broke down after Bea was gone again, he of course had told her everything.
"Yep." He states and swallows down the rest of the liquid in his bottle. He was already on his 4th beer.
"And you told him?" she grabs another beer from the fridge and hands it to him.
"Well, no... not exactly..." twisting the cap, Alex struggles to open the beer.
"You didn't tell him?" June asks while Alex keeps fighting the cap on his beer bottle.
"I proposed, June. That is just like telling him." Alex is now fully frustrated and seconds away from smashing the damn thing against the corner of the table, and just as he is about to do exactly that, June takes the bottle from his hand, twists the cap of with ease and hands it back to him. Alex blinks rapidly as he stares at it. How the hell did she do that? "Thanks." He mutters as he takes it.
"I have to disagree with you. Proposing to him, while his green card is running out, is definitely not the same as telling him you love him."
"And you are telling me this now?" Alex mumbles as he swallows a mouthful of beer.
"You didn't exactly fill me in earlier. Otherwise, I could have told you sooner. I'm just trying to help."
"it's definitely not helpful now, I can tell you that much." Alex knows he is getting drunk. And June probably is too. Which means their ability to have a meaningful conversation is going to be slim to none very soon, but he tries anyway. "I also got him that gig at the concert." Once more, he attempts to convince June that he did tell Henry he loved him, just not in those exact words. Hoping that if he can convince her, then he might be able to convince himself.
"That's literally your job, Alex." What's with her and her damn honesty.
"Right..." Alex tries to focus, but everything is starting to get slightly hazy. And also spinning. He already drank too much. "You're right... that was my job... I really did fuck up, didn't I? I never did enough to show him I love him." Despite the fact that the room is spinning, and there is now more than one version of his sister staring at him, he still empties the bottle.
"Next time, use the right words, Alex. Just say the damn words..." Alex however, isn't sure there will be a next time.