It was an amicable divorce after thirteen years of marriage. My job had consumed most of my waking life and Julie had raised our son, Jason almost completely by herself.
Neither of us had done anything wrong, we'd simply drifted too far apart. Staying together just didn't make sense anymore.
We agreed on joint custody outside of court and I offered to pay for everything. I made more money than I could ever spend alone, and it was only fair that Julie maintain her lifestyle.
Our arrangement specified that Jason would be with his mom during the school week and with me three weekends a month. I also vowed to take him on trips during his breaks and we'd probably spend the holidays with family.
After all was said and done, Julie and I finished half a bottle of Johnny Blue reminiscing over the highlights of our time together. Even this difficult time, we'd managed to navigate together.
"I'm proud of us, Ethan," she said with a smile.
"I will always love you, Jules. But we deserve another chance at happiness," I said, tapping her raised glass.
It seemed like an unspoken weight had fallen off both our shoulders.
Julie had known that I was bisexual from the very beginning, I never wanted it to be a secret between us. However, living a heteronormative life, made me shield people from my other side.
I did it for no other reason than my own convenience, I very much disliked the idea of being the source of controversy. In my opinion, our society was not yet ready to accept a man married to a woman, father to a twelve year old son offhandedly mention how cute the new bartender at Rico's was.
Instead, I'd only share these thoughts with my private journal. Sometimes, things just needed to be said or in this case, written down. One day, I was going to tell Jason about me but not just yet.
Despite the divorce, I still felt the burdon of my self created social expectations. I wasn't planning on launching myself into another commited relationship anywhere soon but would I eventually allow myself to look both ways?
Maybe, I should consider a few casual encounters.
In my day, we went to bars or clubs in pursuit of a "one night stand", but according to my friend Denise, hook-up apps had made that process far more... user friendly.
Should I download one? I honestly found the concept intimidating.
How would I even feel about being with a guy after so long, I wondered. The last time was two girlfriends before Julie. His name was Leo and I recalled having a lot of fun but obviously it didn't last.
At forty-four, was I even attractive to the guys that often times caught my eye?