Play "I miss you, I'm sorry" by Gracie Abrams while listening to this chapter.
Today was Midsummers, and if I'm being completely honest, I wasn't ready for it.
For the past two days, I had been hanging out with the pogues nonstop, technically 'having fun', but my mind was only directed to Rafe.
Everything I loved now reminded me of him, for example, surfing. I loved surfing with my whole life but whenever I found myself on the surfboard I would just think back to when I fell over and Rafe saved me. I remember that day like the back of my hand and I would pay so much money to go back to re-live it. To re-live all my moments with Rafe, those moments that gave me infinite butterflies and made me feel like a princess in a fairytale.
So now, surfing was yet another thing that brought me back to him, when all I wanted was to get away from him.
The pogues had been very considerate and nice, Jj wasn't acting petty about it. Rather he was going back to who he was before Rafe and I even got together. He was flirty once again, and I as always kept rejecting him. I really love Jj, it's a deep love but also a platonic one. Because of that, I didn't want to lead him on and make him think we had a chance, maybe in another lifetime, but not in this one. In this one Rafe had captured my heart.
With all of that said I really wasn't ready for today.
Me and Rafe would have to be together, dance, enter, and spend time with one another pretty much the whole night because of stupid protocols. So many people still didn't know that we had broken up so we were in for an awkward night.
"Hey Lil," Sarah says, walking into my room. We were getting ready together. I was still lying in my bed, trying to prepare myself to see Rafe without hitting him. "Come on Lil it's Midsummers! You love midsummers!" Sarah said.
"Not anymore," I said and dug my head into my pillow.
"Lil, get up. Rafe's a jerk and there are like a million better guys out there. Plenty of them are going to be at Midsummers, and plenty have a thing for you. With all of that said you have a million reasons to go to Midsummers and hook up with someone new. You're getting ready now." Sarah said to me and grabbed my hands, pulling me off my bed. She pulled my dress out of my closet. I took a brief look at it.
"I'm not wearing that," I said. "Why not?" Sarah said to me. "Because Rafe paid for it," I said and shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't wearing that dress, it reminded me too much of him.
"Lil Midsummers is in like six hours we don't have time to get you a new one, Rafe doesn't know how it looks so just tell him this isn't the one he bought," Sarah said and handed me the dress. "I don't want to match with him though," I said. "Lil you're going together, you have to match," Sarah said and I rolled my eyes at the thought of even seeing him. "Fine, but I'm not wearing the dress Sar, I can't," I said. "Well suck it up buttercup, you don't have another one," Sarah said to me, jokingly.
"Lillian? Why aren't you getting ready yet honey?" my mom said walking into my room. "It doesn't matter," I said. "Lil yes it does, what happened? You've been so distant lately," my mom said to me. "It's not important mom, I'm sorry but could you leave, I need some space," I said, trying my best to not let my anger get the best of me, I hated being rude to my mom and always tried to avoid it. "Sure hun, but please get ready," she said and left my room.
"Sar, you too, please," I said. "Lil," she tried to say.
"I'm fine, I swear," I said and even though Sarah knew I was lying she left the room. I put on my a pair of jean shorts and a cute beach top, grabbing my flip flops on my way out of my room.
I quickly got out of the house and went to the beach. It was empty, thank god. I sat down on the sand. Not too far away from the shore.
I noticed the tide was starting to come in, I always loved watching the ocean.
It was probably my favorite thing in the world. I could stare at it forever. The way it worked was so fascinating, always changing but also at the same time, it was always the same. This summer had been crazy, we were only halfway in and I was already sick of it.
Things happened so fast, my feelings changed so fast. It's like one second I was someone, and the next I was someone else. My identity had taken a huge turn and it gave me a sense of sadness.
I hated feeling like this, I wanted to be the Lillian everyone knew and loved. The happy one, the one who never let anyone bring her down, the one who had a spark, a passion, the one who wanted to do something out of her life.
But I wasn't her, my motivation was gone and I lost the one person who made me the happiest. At least it wasn't my fault.
Just as my mind started drifting away, remembering every single moment Rafe and I ever shared I noticed something on the shore.
It was a heart engraved into the sand, inside it the initials R and L were written. A couple probably had engraved it in the sand earlier in the morning. Just as I saw it, the waves on the shore that had risen due to the tide wiped it away.
Those initials being a memory wiped away forever. Like Rafe and I.
I felt a tear streaming down my face, but quickly wiped it off.
Rafe and I were gone, forever. It felt so wrong but I forced myself to think it's the way things were meant to be.
I sat up from the sand and made my way back to my house. As soon as I entered Sarah practically lunged at me. "Lil can we talk please," she said and I nodded, she took my hand and led me to my room upstairs.
"Before you say anything, I just want to tell you that I'm okay. It's hard to get over everything that has happened but it's even harder when everyone feels bad for me. I'm okay, I've been through worse shit and I'll get through it. On my own. I love you but I promise I don't need your help. Let's just be the normal us." I said and she sighed before nodding.
"Fine, but just know I'm here for you and I love you. Also, I have a surprise for you." she squealed making me chuckle. She pulled out of my closet a baby blue dress, it was made out of tulle, had a flowy skirt that was kind of layered, and a tight bust. It also had thin spaghetti straps over its shoulders, it was so pretty.
"Sar it's so pretty," I said, this dress was perfect.
"And, it's not the one Rafe bought you," she said and I chuckled.
"How did you?" I asked her.
"It was your mom's, say thank you to her," Sarah told me and I immediately ran down the stairs to tell my mom thank you. She knew me way too well.
"Now hurry up you wasted like 3 hours," Sar yelled from my room and I ran back to her. Damn, all this running and for what?
For the next two hours, Sarah and I got ready. I wore the dress and paired it with blue heels, matched jewelry that had the same tone of blue in crystal gems, and a Dior purse I had that perfectly matched my dress's color. I did my usual fancy makeup routine and curled my hair. As a hairstyle, I pinned my hair up and left two strands in the front.
Lillian's Outfit:
Sarah wore the white dress we had bought together. I have to say, we looked stunning.
We Face-timed Kie and she was wearing the prettiest lilac dress ever that went super well with her dark curly hair. We were ready, I was dreading this but it had to happen.
As we finished touch-ups, my mind drifted to the wonder of what Rafe was doing right now. Was he nervous as well? Did he even care? Did he want to see me? I had no idea, but for some reason, I wanted to know.
Rafe's POV:
Today was Midsummers. Half of me was dreading it but the other half couldn't wait. Today was the last day I was going to be able to be close to Lillian, look at her, touch her, dance with her, anything I ever loved doing with her I would never be able to do again.
With that said I knew I wanted to make this day last because, after that, I was going to have a void that would never be filled again, if not by Lillian.
At the same time, I knew that it wouldn't be the same. Lillian hated me, she wouldn't return any looks of love I could give her, she wouldn't have eye contact with me, and she wouldn't be smiling and kidding around with me.
I didn't want to face her after what I had done to her because I knew I wouldn't be able to look at her hurting knowing it was because of me. I was also so confused about how I should act around her.
I didn't want to be a dick but then again that's the character I was sort of painting myself as. My mind was clogged with only her and the only way to get those thoughts of her out of my mind was to do some coke.
It was my coping system and always had been.
I went onto my balcony as I had hidden my stash there and quickly glanced at the beach which was right in front of my room.
A girl was sitting close to the shore, keeping up her knees with her hands, her posture wasn't the one of a happy person, more so a tired one. I squinted at her slightly to understand who she was and that's when I saw it was Lillian.
She was glancing at the ocean and I couldn't see her face but I could recognize that blonde hair from a mile away.
My girl, my poor girl.
I threw the coke bag on the ground aggressively, why the fuck did I keep messing shit up for myself.
I went back into my room, and for once drugs left my mind and all I could really think of was Daniel. I was going to fucking murder him.
He ruined everything for Lillian, and I let him ruin our relationship as well. Typical.
I sat on my bed and laid down, I still had plenty of time to get ready. As I adjusted myself on the bed I saw on my nightstand a picture I had kept of Lillian and me. We were at the beach and I was holding her on my lap as she whispered something in my ear. Sarah had taken it from afar and it was probably one of my favorite pictures of us. I knocked it down on my nightstand.
It hurt to look at it because I knew if Lillian wasn't okay right now, it was all because of me. After about an hour of just lying in bed I started getting ready. I put on my baby blue suit and slipped in one of the pockets my phone and in the other a bag of coke in case I would need it tonight.
As I adjusted my tie I wondered how Lillian was doing, wether she was even thinking about me, how she looked, if she was dreading this night as much as I was.
Notes from the author:
Heyy! I hope u guys liked this chapter, it will have a few parts because I have so much in mind for it! Please vote and please comment your opinion on the book it would make me sosos happy.
Thank you so much for reading!! Love you guys