Cordelia closes her eyes again on my command, and I step to the side of the couch, standing near her head. Despite the mental exercises we've done being relaxing in nature, she looks exhausted. I've had her try everything from spoken meditation to laying quietly on the couch to tap into her power. She has been patient and followed each task I gave her, but she has yet to enter my brain with her thoughts. I worry that I've pushed her into something too hard too fast, and now she doubts her abilities.
"Picture something as simple as changing the color of my shirt."
She opens one eye and gives me a look that screams really? With an exasperated sigh, she sits up. "Maybe the problem isn't that I'm not relaxed enough or that I'm not really concentrating. Your mind had been going a million miles an hour since we started this. Maybe I can't push my way through the mess."
I open my mouth to tell her that is ridiculous, but quickly snap it shut. I've been scheming for a way to make this work for hours. Perhaps the issue is me.
Dropping down beside her on the couch, I say, "Do you have any ideas you would like to try?"
"I'm still new at all this and might need an easy way in. Why don't you relax too, and let's see if that works?"
I lean my head back and close my eyes. "No funny business while you have me in a vulnerable state."
I hear her giggle beside me and it sends a tingle down my spine that makes me immediately want to take back my words.
The couch shifts as she moves closer to me. "Are you sure you really mean that or is that some sort of code for 'I actually want you to touch me while I've got my eyes closed and I'm unsuspecting,'" she says playfully.
Inching one eye open, I respond truthfully, saying, "You don't need to sneak up on me to touch me if that's what you want to do. I welcome it at all times."
"Oh—okay," she stammers, clearly not expecting that answer. "Let's get this show on the road, shall we? I want to actually break through your twisted little mind today."
"Good girl."
Her breath hitches, and I store that little tidbit away for another time.
I lean back and place my palms on my thighs, relaxing and opening myself up to her. Minutes pass in total silence and nothing happens.
And then I feel a faint tapping on the center of my forehead. I crack an eye open to see if Cordelia has moved and she remains exactly how she was when I last looked at her. I brush off the feeling and concentrate again.
There it is, tap tap tap. It gets harder, more real. An image of Cordelia standing in front of me, poking her finger into the center of my forehead over and over again.
"You wouldn't happen to be daydreaming about annoying the hell out of me, are you?" I ask.
"Yep," she says without hesitation, and when I open my "eyes" this time, we are no longer in my living room, and Cordelia is standing in front of me with her finger pressed to my forehead.
"For fuck's sake," I mutter, snatching her hand out of my face and keeping my fingers wrapped around hers. It's definitely a tropical climate, and we're on a beach with our toes in the sand. And it's sunny. And my skin isn't burning. "Where the hell are we?"
She glances down at our hands and her skin flushes that delectable pink. When she looks back up at me, she shrugs. "I was just thinking that I wish I could annoy you on, like, a beach or something, but not Isle de Cachette. Somewhere warmer, but in my daydream, it wouldn't harm your skin. I guess it worked?"
"Look at you, dream walking," I say with an encouraging wink.
"I'm pretty talented when I put my mind to it."
"Let's test that." I take her hands and place them to my head. "Can you get into my head and see where I am?"
She goes to pull away from me, but I hold her in place. "This seems like an invasion. I have no right sorting through your memories."
Confusion consumes her beautiful face. I get it. Who would want to let someone in their head to see all the fucked up stuff that goes on. But I need Cordelia to be witness to this. She needs to understand the moment that will haunt me for the rest of my existence. She deserves to know what the man she loves did to me. It's time she learns the truth.
"I want to share this with you, Cordelia. Please."
She takes a deep breath and rolls her lips between her teeth. "All right." Her fingers tangle in the hair at the nape of my neck and she massages the back of my head gently as she closes her eyes and rests her forehead to mine. "Relax, Cane," she whispers after a few moments.
I mimic the deep breath she just took, and I realize how hard it is to relax with her this close to me. Her proximity makes my insides quake with something I can't name, and it's unsettling. I have never felt this way before, and it wasn't something I ever expected. Until she came into my life.
And to be fair, I don't know that she ever would have if twenty years ago, my brother hadn't betrayed me.
Suddenly everything shifts. My arms and legs are heavy and I'm lying on something hard and wet. I try to sit up, but my body doesn't cooperate. This isn't right. Not the cold or the loss of strength. Not the voice whispering in my ear.
It is one I've known my entire life.
"I'm sorry, brother, but only one of us can be king. I can't let you take the throne."
"Elias." I'm not sure his name even falls from my mouth, but I try.
"I love you, Cane."
My world rocks back and forth before a piercing pain slices through my chest. I scream, willing my body to rip out the black wood that I know he spiked into my heart. The burn is like the sun raging in my veins, penetrating from the inside out.
It is then that I see the little rowboat we are in. My brother's best friend, Lorelai, lifts my feet, and he must take my torso. They lower me from the side of the boat, and my leaden body is slowly swallowed by the sea.
But Elias doesn't let go, he holds the back of my shirt, keeping me submerged. I try to hold my breath, try to keep the water at bay. But my body craves oxygen just like other creatures on the land. I inhale and there is nothing else I can do. The water rushes in, choking the life out of me. I stop trying to breathe but the pain in my chest mixed with the salt water doesn't subside. It continues to burn me, until I am completely gone.
I am pulled from the dream before the kiss of death consumes me, only to open my eyes to see Cordelia springing from the couch, tangling her fingers in her hair, pulling it at the roots. Her cheeks are pink and her eyes are flooded with tears.
"What the fuck was that, Cane? Did you not think I deserved any preparation for that?"
The desire to yell back is so strong that my body trembles. She thinks that was a shock to her system? Imagine how I felt when my own damn brother attempted to murder me. I hold back my rage through gritted teeth and say, "You would have never let me show you the truth if I asked. There is a part of you still protecting him even after everything he did to you."
"You don't know that!" she says, lowering her voice but with the same level of fury. "Don't you think I am starting to see a different side of things? If I weren't, do you really think I'd still be here right now?" She flings herself down onto the couch next to me and rests her elbows on her spread knees, looking over at me with fire in her grey eyes. "Did you stop to think for a second how it would affect me to see you harmed?"
I run my hand over the back of my neck and plop back on the cushion. "It wasn't as bad as experiencing it, but if anyone could understand, I thought it would be you. You know what it's like not to be able to gasp in a breath. I'm sorry if I went about all of this wrong. I just wanted to show you something I've not shared with another being."
Cordelia's lips part and she tilts her head to the side, her features softening and the anger melting away. "God, Cane. I'm—you're right. I do understand that. It's fucking terrifying. The worst feeling, and the one way I know I do not want to leave this world." She turns to face me, tucking one leg underneath her, tentatively putting her hand over mine and closing her fingers around it. "I'm glad you shared that with me. You shouldn't have had to carry that alone."
"I apologize for not asking. And maybe I didn't because I remember that dream with Elias so clearly last night. He was begging you not to trust me, and I wanted you to see why you shouldn't trust him. I know it is childish, but you needed to see what he is capable of."
Her devastation is clear. I just shattered every hope she had about Elias. And even though that's essentially what I wanted, I don't like seeing this pain on her face.
She closes her eyes, and a tear slides down her cheek. She swipes it away angrily with her free hand, and when she looks at me again, she's pissed, and not at me anymore. "Fuck, I am so goddamn tired of crying over him!"
"He doesn't deserve one of your tears. No one does if they are the cause of them. It's okay to be angry at him. You should be."
She is still conflicted about all of that. I see it in the way she thinks about it and shakes her head. Deep down, I think she wants to be mad, and I want her to channel that anger. It can bloom into something beautiful and powerful.
"You're right. I know you are." She sighs and leans toward me, resting her head on my shoulder. "Can we be done training for the day?"
I place a gentle hand on her knee and give it a pat. "Yeah. You did really well today. I'm proud of you." I stand and pull her up with me. "In fact, I think your efforts are deserving of Ruth's homemade cupcakes."
She smiles and lets me lead her into the kitchen. I love the way she is so forgiving, how she would rather spend her time with me soaking up happiness. One day, she will live in that feeling with me. We just have to overcome one hurdle, and she is capable of obliterating it.