At around 3 PM, Youngbin woke up to a tray carrying a bottle of water, aspirin, a small bowl of kimchi, and a note in his father's handwriting that said "Stay healthy :)" next to his bed. And on his phone, which had slipped out of his hands when he eventually did fall asleep long after the sun had risen, were multiple messages.
Four of them were sent by Kaya.
» NOOOOOO
hope youre alright bim!!! lmk if you need anythign «
The next messages were sent a little later:
» we have to do presentation in bio n i told mr carter taht we work together btw!!!!!!!
its on monkeys or something
talk more when youre back at school «
And then there were a couple more, this time sent by Alex.
» hope ur doing well
sorry i wasnt much of a help last night
kinda missing u?? lol «
Youngbin wouldn't answer, neither of them, at least for the time being. He'd gotten up slowly, and taken a long shower, the kind of shower where eventually one would just stand there unmoving for a couple of minutes, the kind where at some point the brain was almost overheating from all that overthinking, and then shut off completely for a bit until it'd snap back on to remind one of all the water being wasted right now.
And after that, Youngbin stared at himself in the mirror, and watched the water drip from his hair, and thought about maybe answering his friend's messages, but instead he just stood there and thought about why he was disliking whatever he was seeing so much that day.
Then he ate the kimchi, and his body asked for a little more, but his mind couldn't make him get up from his bed- yes, he had eaten in his bed. A sin, according to his mother, but she wasn't there to see it. Youngbin emptied the bottle of water in an instant, because sometimes drinking a lot of water made him less hungry. Maybe later he'd be able to get up. Or maybe his father would check on him, and bring him more.
It really had sucked the soul out of him. The dream, the nightmare he couldn't even remember. It was never this bad. It was bad, very bad, a lot of the time, but never had it been like this. And quite frankly, Youngbin was afraid. That maybe, it'd be like this again the following night, or perhaps every night from now on, until whatever was pressing against his chest and lungs and heart had disappeared. Until whatever mental black hole he had slowly drifted into for no reason spit him out again. Until then, maybe he simply wouldn't fall asleep again.
Of course, he failed, when he fell asleep about an hour later. After drowning in self pity for a while, thinking about how bad he was feeling about feeling bad, his eyes fell shut again. His sleep didn't last very long, was dreamless, uneventful, and if anything, it'd only make him feel more tired. But that's how it went. That's how afternoons were spent. Tired, and unproductive, and honestly quite pitiful.
Upon waking up, if one could even call it that, Youngbin finally decided to shoot Kaya a message. A quick "Okay" and then "See you on monday" and then ":)", and that was already enough for the day.
And then, he waited. For what, he wasn't sure, but he waited, rolled around on his bed, back and forth, on his back, his stomach, back on his back, and at some point he got up and stared at the snake that was slithering about, flicked its tongue at him, looked at him with its dark beady eyes.
Youngbin looked back. Dan the snake was no dog that came to play, no cat that purred with love, Dan was a weird looking noodle without a thought behind his eyes. Some kind of creature, scary to some, adorable to others, and many may have agreed that such an animal could never feel the love for its owner as a conventional pet did.
Youngbin knew that this assumption was false. Dan was there, always, he saw everything that'd happen in Youngbin's room, he'd seen all his lows, and if there had ever been any highs, Dan had probably also seen those.
Dan loved to be picked up, at least by Youngbin, wrapped around his arm, and he even seemed to enjoy gentle head pats every now and then. Sometimes, the snake would bump his head into Youngbin, and perhaps sometimes he was a little more similar to a cat than expected. Dan always moved slow, relaxed, and he enjoyed hiding. Signs of a happy snake. Youngbin liked that.
The animal was much like him. Enjoyed alone time, showed happiness by relaxing alone somewhere in a familiar corner. Youngbin didn't even remember when his love towards these particular animals started, or how it did, but he knew that there'd always been a connection. And at the very least, there was a one sided kind of love.
Dan flicked his tongue again, then slithered back into hiding, and Youngbin did so as well, falling into his own bed once more.
But Youngbin's rest was temporary, when Sohee knocked on his door. Like every day.
"Dinner is ready."
"Already?" Youngbin furrowed his brows, slowly rolling off his bed. "Wait, what time is it?"
"Six. We're eating early because mom is tired and wants to go to bed."
Youngbin hummed. His day, and with it his internal clock, had already been screwed up anyways. Early dinner was basically like lunch for him today. The change didn't mean all that much to him.
"Are you feeling better, by the way?"
"I guess." Youngbin just shrugged. He was still tired, still anxious, so nothing much had changed. And yet- I guess.
Sohee frowned, sighed, leaned against the door frame, because she could read very well how not-better he was feeling. With her arms crossed, she glanced down the hallway towards the stairs, then let out another sigh.
"I'll tell mom that you're sleeping, okay?"
"No, it's fine, really." Youngbin adjusted his glasses, stretched his arms. "I need to eat." He carefully pushed past Sohee to finally leave his room.
—--
» ever thought about sneaking out? «
Youngbin blinked at his phone screen when the message popped up. He'd sat back down on his bed after dinner, quite the silent one, his mother had instantly disappeared after half a plate of leftover fried rice. And then he remembered that he had, in fact, never texted Alex back.
» if not then think about it now >;) «
Youngbin did indeed think about it, right now.
» Why are you asking? «
» might or might not be on my way to u «
Oh. Now Youngbin sat up straight, looked around as though there was somebody looking over his shoulder right this second.
» if thats chill with u i mean
if u dont have anyzhing better to do rn «
He really didn't. He sure as hell wasn't going to go to bed now, at least. And aside from sleeping, what did Youngbin ever do, really?
» Mind telling me what you're planning? «
» surprise <3 «
Youngbin really hated surprises. But today, maybe, he didn't hate them as much. He furrowed his brows as he shifted around, biting down on his lip. He'd never snuck out. Of course not, there was no reason to do so. If he did so now, though, his mother would be livid- Then again, his mother was in bed already. And his father-
It was 7 PM on a Friday. His father certainly wouldn't mind, if he knew that he was in good hands. And Alex was considered good hands, at least by him. Did that even count as sneaking out then, if his father knew and allowed it? Probably, because whatever his father allowed wasn't important, his mother was the king of the castle and what she said was rule.
Tonight, she wouldn't say anything though.
» Lmk when you're here then «
» LETS GOOOOOOO!!!!!
should be no more than 10 mins «
It did take 12 minutes, but Youngbin was fine with that. Upon receiving another message from Alex, Youngbin took one deep breath before grabbing his jean jacket, turning off the lights in his room and very carefully closing the door behind him.
His father was still awake, and as always, had sat down in his beloved armchair in the living room. Youngbin hesitated before finally sticking his head through the door. There was no way he wasn't going to allow him to go out.
"I'm seeing Alex," Youngbin quietly said, and maybe his father hadn't even heard him. But he had, and he slowly lifted his head.
"I thought you weren't feeling well?"
"I'm better now." Youngbin looked to the ground. "Promise." Silence, for a couple of seconds, then a hum.
"Have fun, then."
Well, that was easy. Surprisingly so. Youngbin slowly nodded, then cleared his throat, and quickly stepped outside before anyone was going to change their mind.
The sky was clear, the air cool, crisp, and Youngbin let his hands disappear in his pockets in an instant. He squinted as he spotted a single unknown car in the street, a couple of houses away, headlights turned off, and someone leaning against its door. He hadn't seen the car before, but the person's silhouette certainly seemed familiar, and so did the silver strands of hair faintly illuminated by the dim streetlights.
Youngbin looked around once more, then carefully walked down the sidewalk towards the car. He'd never done this. Left the house, at night, alone. Not even on a Friday night. And especially not without his mothers permission.
"Boo," said Alex in the most unthreatening tone, and Youngbin could make out the outlines of his face in the dark.
"Can I ask what you're planning?" Youngbin kept his voice low, as if his mother could hear him speak from her bed.
"I'll tell you if you get in the car."
"That's not shady sounding at all." Youngbin gave Alex a high five when the other boy lifted his hand, as though automated.
"Just wanna take you out."
"As in, murder, or on a date?"
"Whatever you're up to. Now get in, it'll look weird if I keep myself parked here for any longer."
Youngbin did as he was told, and somewhere, far back in his mind, a little voice was going crazy and telling him how stupid he was. A little voice that really didn't matter anymore, that hadn't mattered in weeks, a voice that had become more quiet with every second Youngbin and Alex spent together.
The car was clean from the inside, not as clean as his mothers, but cleaner than Youngbin had expected from a car that Alex was driving. It was a rather small one, and probably an old one, and maybe a comparably cheap one, but what did Youngbin know about cars? Alex got in beside him on the driver's seat, turned on the engine, then turned his head to face Youngbin, and as all the little buttons and displays lit up, Youngbin could finally see his face, his grin, in all its glory.
"So? Where are we going?"
"Not sure," Alex answered, his smile didn't fade. "Just wanted to- you know, keep you busy. Go on a night drive."
"Night drive to where?"
"Nowhere? Just drive around. It's nice. Weird concept, I guess, but it really is just nice."
Youngbin hummed, and looked out the car window. A light in a neighbours house had turned on, someone was stepping towards the window, Youngbin saw their shadow coming closer behind closed curtains.
"Alright. Go, before my neighbours call the police on you for kidnapping me."
Alex smiled as he adjusted the rearview mirror.
"It's fine, they couldn't catch me anyways."
With that, the car slowly began rolling through Youngbin's dead silent neighbourhood.
"I made a playlist, by the way." Alex' smile grew a bit more gentle. "We made it, I mean. It's the one I sent you last night." He nodded towards his phone that was hooked up to the car with a cable. "Feel free to turn it on. Password is 0816."
"Your birthday," Youngbin noted as he picked up the phone. He'd mentioned that during last week's dinner. Youngbin remembered. That was his one strength, remembering dates.
The phone screen lit up, and Youngbin took a couple of seconds to look at Alex' wallpaper. It was him, leaning against a grey wall. Youngbin remembered a time where he had tried to sneak a glance at it, weeks ago, and now here it was, Alex' phone in Youngbin's hand.
He typed in the password, unlocked it, and was met with the messenger app still open, still on Youngbin's contact. He'd saved him as "YOUNGBIN :) <3" in all caps. And then that silly little smile behind it. And a little heart. Cute.
But also, none of his business. Youngbin switched apps, opened Spotify, and tapped on the once unnamed playlist that had now been titled "friday night w bin and alex". Equally cute. The songs had been rearranged to alternate between Alex' and Youngbin's song choices. Youngbin pressed play.
The first song was unfamiliar to Youngbin, but it was quite a choice. Alex' fingers tapped on the steering wheel to the beat, and his smile widened a bit as he hummed along. Youngbin leaned back in his seat and curiously listened.
"I didn't know you had a car," said Youngbin after a while.
"I don't," Alex answered, singing as though the words he was speaking were the lyrics of the song that was playing. "It's Lani's, I guess. But we share."
"You have a licence but no car?" Though, Youngbin now realised, a car was a lot more expensive than a licence. He'd been offered a car as a gift if he ever got his driver's licence by his mother, but no gift in the world could lessen his anxiety to even sit behind a steering wheel.
"I don't have a licence either." Alex waited a bit as if to wait for a reaction, shooting a quick glance over to Youngbin. "I have a mechanic mom that taught me how to take a car apart before she taught me to be a functioning human."
"And if the police stop you?"
Alex shrugged.
"I'd like to think that my driving is good enough to not be stopped by anyone. I like being a lawful driver. I'm not that suicidal to speed in the middle of the night." He hummed, and the car went a little faster, just a bit. "Also, if they do catch me, I'll just drive away. It's Lani's car. She can deal with that."
On any other day, Youngbin would've panicked by now, but no day with Alex was like any other day, he'd established that on the day they had met.
By now, the song had ended, and the next one had started, the first one Youngbin had added to the playlist. The one he had heard Alex sing, the one that probably had changed something severe within Youngbin's brain.
"You put that song in, didn't you?" Youngbin nodded in response, and Alex' eyes suddenly had something kind of sad about them. "I didn't think you'd know it."
"I saw you were singing it? On your Instagram. I liked it."
"Right. I'm glad you like it."
"You looked different in the video." Youngbin now looked out the window, watched those large samey houses pass the two.
"The hair, huh?" Alex sighed. "Yeah. Kinda miss it. Straightening this shit every week is getting on my nerves."
"It looked nice. The silver hair is so you, I think, but you look a bit softer with natural hair."
"I don't know if I want to look softer or sexier."
"You can do both," Youngbin said mindlessly, then added: "Your hair would probably thank you if you'd let it rest a bit. I'm amazed you still have hair on your head, to be honest."
"Leia got me some really good heat protection, so it's not that bad."
"But it is really bad."
"You'd be surprised, my hair is still pretty healthy for the amount of shit I've done to it." Alex' tapping on the steering wheel became a little louder now as the song had reached its climax.
"It looks so crunchy."
"It could look even crunchier."
"I don't even want to know what that'd look like. Sometimes I look at your hair and remember why I haven't dyed mine yet."
"Pah!" Youngbin snuck a glance at Alex, who'd puffed up his cheeks a little, and Youngbin failed to hide a smile. "Your virgin haired fluffy head wouldn't deal with a single broken hair strand if you dyed your hair now."
"Doesn't bleaching completely screw over your hair?"
"Yours is so light, I could easily slap on some dye as it is. Might not hold up as well but it'd stick at least two or three weeks depending on the colour."
"And what, in your opinion," Youngbin asked curiously, an idea, perhaps a very bad one, sneaking up on him, "would be the best colour for me?"
"Probably something reddish. Cool tones on natural brown hair look muddy I think. Maybe a deep purple could work."
"I say red, then." Youngbin waited for an answer, for his idea to sink in. Alex furrowed his brows at first, then he tilted his head slightly.
"You do want to dye your hair, then?"
"I want you to dye my hair, since you're oh so good at that."
"I am really good at it, I just do it too much, that's why my head is all crispy."
"Yeah. So prove it. If I lose a single hair, I'm allowed to, I don't know-"
"Kill me, maybe."
"Kill you, maybe. Yes."
"Cool. We got a deal!" Alex extended one of his hands for an awkward and very physically uncomfortable handshake, and Youngbin leaned back in his seat with a satisfied smile.
There was another time where the two had shaken hands, agreed to a deal. Youngbin didn't want to think about it. It was strangely overwhelming, the way the time had been flying by, the way Youngbin had changed all because of one person. Because of a deal.
Youngbin continued to look out the window again, and Alex had driven the car closer to Rosebury's city. The two weren't the only ones on the road this evening. People were still coming home from work, or getting to work, or getting as far away from work as possible. Streetlights and headlights blurred around him, and Alex' smooth voice hummed along to the song playing.
They stopped at a traffic light, Youngbin turned back to face Alex, and a reddish gleam shone into the car through the windshield, the outline of Alex' side profile thinly illuminated, like someone had traced the silhouette of his features with a red pencil. He was, as always, breathtaking, Youngbin had to admit it.
Youngbin analysed him, as he did so often, studied his face, the mole on his neck, his lips, the small bump on his nose, his narrow eyes, the eyes that now shifted to look at him. Alex flashed a smile, and Youngbin smiled back, gently and weirdly peaceful.
"Have you eaten already?" Alex now asked, his voice a little too quiet, barely audible underneath the music.
"Yeah, earlier."
"Shame. Would've taken you out to an expensive dinner date at McDonald's."
"How romantic of you." Youngbin leaned his head against the window, vibrating as the traffic light turned green and the engine rattled a little.
"Only the best for my Youngbin."
Hm. A thought popped up in his head, but Youngbin didn't dare to actually listen to it. Instead, he closed his eyes and listened to the old car buzzing and Alex' hums and the melancholic instrumentation of Nothing Else Matters playing from the car radio.
Nothing did matter. Absolutely nothing, aside from that lovely combination of sounds and passing lights that shimmered through Youngbin's closed eyelids every now then. A night drive, one like this, with no destination, really was a nonsensical thing. Just getting into a car and driving, and then returning once they'd driven enough, what a strange idea.
But what a strange feeling of peace. Youngbin opened his eyes again, not wanting to miss out on any more night lights. He wanted to say something. There really was nothing to say. Youngbin decided to hum along instead, and it felt like more of a conversation than he could've ever tried to initiate.
Rosebury's city centre with it's bars and pubs and closed stores were passing the two, then the apartment buildings, grey and lonely, towering into the night sky, then the less pleasant neighbourhoods, the café Neverland that had started this entire friendship a couple of weeks ago, and a couple songs later, Rosebury was long behind the two.
Driving down a more rural road, lined with evergreen trees, darkness was soon swallowing everything in front of what wasn't lit up by the dim headlights. Youngbin had no idea where they were going, he hadn't left Rosebury often enough in this direction to know what was lying beyond the pines poking into the sea of stars above him.
Alex didn't seem to have an idea either. And it was fine.
"Why'd you pick me up?" Youngbin suddenly asked to break the silence that had become louder than their playlist tirelessly playing.
"I think," Alex started, and his voice sounded unusually honest, "it'd probably be nice if you didn't have to spend your night alone. After last night."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Oh." Alex let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, by the way."
"For what?"
He didn't answer for a couple of seconds, then:
"Good question, actually. I'm just sorry."
"I'm sorry, if anything. For waking you up with my weird little breakdown over a dream I can't even recall."
"I'm sorry for not helping you any more? I guess?"
"How are you supposed to help me in that situation, exactly?"
"I don't know. Get up and start running to your house and-" He thought for a second. "Start hugging you or something?"
"I think the fact that you even picked up the phone was enough."
"I'm still sorry."
"I don't like the way you keep apologising for things you shouldn't be sorry for, Alex."
"We could both just stop being sorry for anything, ever."
"Hm." Youngbin blinked slowly. They probably shouldn't do that. "We can do that, I suppose."
"Nice." Alex pressed down on the gas pedal ever so slightly, and the car went the smallest bit faster, yet it was very much a noticeable difference in speed. "I'm not sorry if I kill both of us tonight because I don't have a licence."
"I'm not sorry if my mom loses her only son to a horrible accident caused by his insane boyfriend," Youngbin replied. He was, in fact, not ever sorry if his mother would ever lose her only son. It's not like he'd ever thought about doing anything that could potentially cause his mother to lose her son, of course.
Alex let down the window on his side of the cars, and Youngbin did the same. Cold air blew into the car, biting at Youngbin's face, his cheeks and nose and his forehead that the freezing gust of wind had exposed now.
"I'm not sorry for scaring some poor deer in the forest for blasting music from my shitty car." Alex reached out for his phone with one hand, just when Youngbin had planned to do the same. How cheesy. Almost embarrassingly so when their fingers touched briefly. Youngbin pulled his hand away, not in a hurry, just to let Alex turn the music louder.
Youngbin knew that song. He'd heard it before, the opening guitar, the familiar voice of a woman.
"Twilight OST," Alex simply said as though he had read Youngbin's mind. "Decode? By Paramore."
"Twilight!" Youngbin exclaimed, his voice louder than anticipated, yet still overshadowed by the music and the whistling wind. "Oh, yeah! Kaya loves that one!"
"Kaya's got taste."
She did. Most of the time. Probably a similar taste to Alex, now that Youngbin was thinking about it.
Alex reached for his phone a second time, turned it a little louder, however that was still possible, and the music started to overmodulate, but Alex didn't seem to be bothered when he started to sing along. As in, really sing.
Not just hums and rhythmic taps, but actually loudly singing along. The second time Youngbin had ever heard him do that. And it was so much fucking better than the first time. God, it was so good.
His voice was loud and bold and powerful and unafraid of cracks and imperfections. Youngbin's never was like that. Youngbin's always had to be precise and well practised and every tone had to be right or else someone would complain and point out the mistakes and then his voice would become quieter with every note, and then he'd fall silent eventually.
But every hard to hit note was belted out even louder than the one before when Alex sang. A just barely failed high note was turned into a cheer, a voice crack became intentionally placed, the confidence with which he sang, the hint of desperation in his voice, his energy, his goddamn energy, brimming with freedom and joy and yearning for whatever-
He was almost a little jealous. It almost made him sad, disappointed in himself, his heart ached for the ability to feel the same emotion that Alex was feeling, whatever it was.
Then again, what was holding him back? He'd heard the song a couple of times, could probably vaguely sing along to the chorus, and he wasn't a bad singer, not at all, he'd taken lessons since he was a kid- And really, it wasn't like Alex was going to be bothered by Youngbin deciding to quietly sing along. He didn't have to be loud, he could fall quiet during the high notes, he didn't have to-
Alex' voice was loud, and Youngbin's was quiet, and it didn't sound good. It sounded cowardly, it sounded intimidated, it sounded like everything that Youngbin represented, and so he stopped, and he did fall quiet.
"LOUDER," Alex shouted through his own echoes, and Youngbin shook his head rapidly, feeling the heat rise up into his cold face. "COME ON!"
And then Alex became louder, gesturing with his hands as though he was inviting Youngbin to take part in this ritual. Fine. Youngbin was not going to be sorry for sounding really, really shit.
Two voices, loud and uncaring, waved together, singing a song about something, probably about vampire romances from 2009. Two voices of two teenage boys with a couple too many issues echoed through the forest surrounding Rosebury as they drove along an unknown street in the dark, in a car that wasn't theirs, in a car neither of them were actually qualified to drive. And Youngbin wasn't afraid.
From one second to the other, Youngbin was no longer afraid. Of odd tones and voice cracks, of destroying the mess Alex had so carefully set up as he sang, of driving right into a tree and dying on the spot. Whatever.
The song ended, and for a second, there was silence as Alex' phone tried to load up the next song. Youngbin exhaled, and Alex inhaled, and then he said something, and it started with "Bin, I think I-" and it didn't end, because the next song began and Youngbin couldn't help but gasp in excitement when the familiar instrumental played.
"Midnight Show!!" By The Killers. Underrated masterpiece. Probably the best song on the album, overshadowed by Mr. Brightside, but that was kind of fine, because Mr. Brightside was probably one of the best songs ever released- And yet, Midnight Show was a masterpiece, a four minutes and three seconds long masterpiece, and Alex had put it into the playlist, and that was maybe the best thing Alex had ever done in his life.
Youngbin didn't mind singing along to this one as well, even though he did so alone at first, Alex seemingly being a little startled by Youngbin's enthusiasm.
Then the chorus hit, and he wasn't so startled anymore. Drive faster, boy, and that's what Alex did. Driving faster, singing louder, and every single creature in and around this forest was hearing them.
Youngbin wasn't sorry. Not for being loud and odd and especially not for having a great fucking time.
The road had led through the forest, then past a clearing, a rather large rest stop with a single flickering street light and one more car parked there that seemed almost abandoned. Alex had decided to stop there, he'd been driving for quite a while, though Youngbin absolutely couldn't be sure for how long exactly.
Alex stopped the car, and the engine sighed in relief. He unplugged his phone, and before stepping out of the car, looked towards Youngbin. There was a smile on his face, a beautifully genuine one, with a gleam in his eyes, and for a split second Youngbin thought that maybe it was adoration, before scrapping that idea again in an instant. It felt good though. The way Alex looked at him.
"You sing well," he simply said.
"It was more yelling rather than singing."
"Exactly my kind of singing. You do it well." Then he turned around almost rapidly, swung the car door open and stepped out. Youngbin did the same.
The air was still icy, but at least there was no more wind to violently blow into Youngbin's face. To be completely honest, the cold was quite nice. Comfortable, almost.
Alex leaned against the now closed car door with his arms crossed, and Youngbin quickly stepped around to lean next to him. He took one deep breath, and it smelled like trees and forest and a little bit of gasoline. It smelled like Alex, and like peace.
"Where exactly are we?" Youngbin dared to ask. Alex shrugged.
"Doesn't matter." His voice was gentle and quiet. It really truly did not matter.
Youngbin took another breath, took in the cold air, his hands buried in his pockets to shield them at least a little, they'd frozen up during the car ride.
His head fell back, gaze into the sky, and his heart stopped for a moment upon the sight. Stars, hundreds, thousands, with every second he raised his eyes into the black night sky, more of them appeared.
"Holy shit," he breathed. More and more and more became visible in between the evergreen's shadows that reached into the firmament. "I've never seen that many stars."
"Oh?" Alex' gaze followed Youngbin's, and he squinted. "There's a couple, yeah."
"A couple? There's like-" If he had tried to count them, he would've been here for a long, long time. A black sea with millions of little specks floating within it, tiny white dots sprinkled about, gleaming, forming patterns and pictures and stories. And Youngbin was here on earth, another little piece of dust in the universe, looking up, and-
No, he didn't have time to go into existential meltdowns now. He was feeling much too content with being a tiny fibre in an unending weave to think about this any longer.
"I see a few really bright ones. A bunch more than I can see from my bedroom window, for sure." Alex hummed, as though seeing 'a few stars' gave him enough satisfaction.
"It's so-" Breathtaking, beautiful, mesmerising, enchanting... "I feel like I'll explode, I think."
"What are you seeing that I'm not? I mean, not that this isn't beautiful, but you sound like you've never seen the night sky before."
"Not like this, no!"
"Do you think I'm maybe blind or something?" Alex narrowed his eyes further.
"Look at me," Youngbin now said, pulling his hands out of his pockets, still freezing. Alex did as Youngbin told him with no hesitation, turned around to him fully. "Maybe this works."
Now, Youngbin took off his glasses, and very carefully put them on Alex, preferably without stabbing him, brushing a couple of strands of hair out of the way to set the thin silver frames down on Alex' face.
His hands moved slowly, adjusting his hair again, then, as he was going to pull them back, rested them on Alex' cheeks for a second, or perhaps longer than that. His cold fingers met the hot skin of Alex' face, and it was almost too comfortable like that to pull away.
"Hey!" Youngbin smiled at Alex' eyes that had suddenly become just as large as his own. "You look pretty."
"Oh."
"Now look up!"
Alex blinked slowly for a couple of seconds, perhaps his eyes were adjusting to the glasses, then he slowly raised his head up to the sky, and his jaw dropped.
"Oh," he repeated, more breathy this time, quieter, and he sounded just as Youngbin had felt when he saw the sky tonight. "I see."
"You do!"
Alex looked down again, and a couple of stars had slipped from the sky right into his eyes, swirling and dancing and filling his own dark brown firmament with comets and far away planets, and maybe, unwillingly so, Youngbin got lost within it. So, he gently lifted Alex' face back up to the sky, placing one hand on his chin and guiding him upwards.
"Keep looking." Look up so I can't look at you. "Really take it in. Look. Look."
"Yeah." Alex took the glasses off, blinked a couple of times, put them back on again, blinked once more. "Yeah. Holy shit."
He stood like that for a while, staring up, and Youngbin leaned back against the car, hid his hands once more, and looked up as well. Without glasses, he could make out maybe a couple of stars, but that definition, those endless specs of silver, they'd disappeared. It was okay, though, because now Alex could see them in his place. Alex was able to look through Youngbin's own eyes now at least for some time.
"Shit, Bin!" Alex tapped Youngbin's shoulder, excitedly pointing upwards, and Youngbin followed his finger raised into the air. "Shooting star! Wait. No, never mind, that's an airplane." His finger dropped again, and Youngbin could faintly make out a white and red light, blinking as it crossed the sky.
"Alex, is this what you usually see? A blur and a handful of stars?"
"Hm." Alex sighed, his head dropped, he crossed his arms again as he leaned back, pressing his lips together. "I kinda thought that was normal. Ah, shit. I can't believe I actually need glasses."
"Is that so bad?"
"I'm gonna look like some idiot nerd, probably."
"Okay, first of all." Youngbin mimicked Alex now, crossing his arms, raising his brows. "You look good with that kind of frame. And second, do you think I look like an idiot nerd?"
"No," Alex quickly defended himself, "you look like a cute nerd. I look like a dumbass."
"You don't even know what you look like right now."
"Like a dumbass, probably." Alex pulled his phone out of his pocket, opened the selfie camera, just to frown. "Wow. I can't see shit. Too dark and blurry as hell." The phone slipped back into its place within his jacket. "I'm wearing glasses, it's not supposed to be blurry?"
"The lenses are probably too strong for you," Youngbin sighed, now taking out his own phone to take a picture of Alex instead. "Watch out, flash." Alex watched out, and instinctively posed, shooting finger guns towards the camera. Huh. Youngbin had never seen someone that looked good on a picture with flash. Except Alex, apparently. He could see that much even without glasses on.
He turned his phone screen around, and Alex squinted, coming closer, looking at the display like an old person one was trying to show a meme to. He finally took off the glasses, and after a few seconds, he hummed.
"It's fine. But I'm fine with staying blind." He sat the glasses onto Youngbin's head, who quickly adjusted them, and finally, the world looked a little less blurry, and the stars had been placed back into the night sky.
"Now I understand why you're not getting a driver's licence. They wouldn't let you anywhere near a street like that."
"Come on, it's not that bad. Probably." Alex huffed. "I'm driving just fine and I haven't killed either of us yet."
"Yet," Youngbin carefully pronounced, putting on a worried tone. "I still can't be sure if we both survive the way home."
"Would that be so bad? Both of us dying together?"
He wasn't sure how depressing his answer was allowed to be, so Youngbin simply settled on: "I think there'd be worse things."
"See." Alex took a step closer to Youngbin, bumping into him carefully, then he looked back into the sky that had probably lost all its magic for him once more. "They're not gonna find our bodies for weeks."
"You think we'll be missed?" Maybe he couldn't help himself, maybe he had to get a little depressing.
"I'd miss you if you died, but we're dying together, so it's fine."
"My last words would be something like, 'Alex, look, there's a cliff! You're driving off a cliff!'"
"Mine would be 'What? Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm not wearing my glasses.' And then I'll drive off a cliff."
"And then we meet in heaven and I'll say 'I told you so'."
"Bold of you to assume I'll go to heaven." Alex inhaled, shook his head with a guilty expression. "I still owe Satan money from the last time I was in hell."
"Aren't you a bad boy. A really edgy one."
"Don't make fun of me." Alex pushed himself further against Youngbin's side, who stumbled a half step, then pushed back. "Only Margo is allowed to do that. And Lani too. I mean, they're not allowed to, but they do it anyways and it's not like I can really do anything about it."
"You can't really do anything about it when I do it either."
"I'll find a way to shut you up sometime, asshole."
"Good luck." Now Youngbin leaned his head to the side, resting it on Alex' shoulder. Tiredness had started to sneak up within him again. There was no way it was that late already, though. Maybe it was just Alex, maybe he made him sleepy somehow. Or, perhaps, he made him comfortable. Whatever it was, Youngbin wasn't in the mood to be tired. So he held himself awake by looking at every single star up in the sky, counting them, miscounting, losing track, and starting to count again.
Alex seemed to do the same, though there were a lot less stars to be counted through his eyes. And yet, he'd fallen quiet, just like Youngbin, silently staring up. Maybe the stars were looking back at them right now. Well, no, most of these had probably long died, disappeared into mist, exploded, burnt out. And if they were still alive, really, why would they care about two souls somewhere on a planet that was probably near its end anyways?
Now, Youngbin thought, maybe there'd be someone on a dying star looking into the sky, and seeing the dying star that was Youngbin, and Alex, and all of Rosebury, and think "They're probably too busy turning into dust to look back at me." Youngbin smiled, and maybe that person smiled back.
Maybe, however, Youngbin was starting to feel like a huge idiot nerd. Yeah. That's what he was, really. He still smiled at the stars though, just in case.
In the gloomy sheen of the single street lamp a couple metres away, Youngbin was able to see his breath coming out as a white mist from his mouth. It'd become colder, a lot colder, in the past few days. October had been strange so far, cool on some days, oddly warm on others, seasons had started to feel all mixed up for a couple of years now. Was it just Youngbin, or had summer always come and gone this quickly? Had the world always spun and changed this fast?
Small, fluffy clouds had started to spottily cover some of the stars, and gusts of cold wind shook the trees, the shadowy treetops swaying gently back and forth. A distant rumble ripped both Alex and Youngbin out of their trance.
"Thunder?" Youngbin moved his head towards the noise as though he'd be able to see a possible storm from here.
"They announced a storm for tonight, I think. Might've driven directly into its arms. Still sounds far away though, nothing to worry." Alex rolled his shoulders, stretched his arms, then rubbed his hands together. "We can get back home though, if you'd like. I'm getting cold."
Youngbin hesitated. Back home again? Already? Already, what did that even mean? For how long had they even been out yet? Somehow, he really, really did not feel like going home. He did, in fact, really, really feel like driving away further, perhaps driving into the eye of a storm. As long as it wasn't lying in bed in his room and staring at the ceiling once again.
"Can we go somewhere else?"
"And where, do you propose, we go?"
"You could take me out to the McDonald's dinner date you promised."
"I could." Alex pursed his lips. "But I also forgot to bring money. Unless you wanna rob a McDonald's."
"I don't think I'm ready for such a huge step within our relationship just yet."
"Got it." Alex nodded, turned towards the car to open the door. "We're not Bonny and Clyde yet. Yet!"
"Yet," Youngbin repeated, and walked around the car to get back in.
When Alex fell back into his seat, he swiftly connected his phone to the radio and put their playlist back on, a little quieter this time. Then, he looked at Youngbin, a smile on his lips, that same old smile, one Youngbin had reciprocated plenty of times.
"Back towards Rosebury?" Alex turned on the engine with a concerning rumble. "Or do we go find a cliff to drive off of?"
"We can head back, if you find the way home." Back to the town, yes, fine. Not back to his house. Not now. Not yet.
They had fallen silent. The playlist had ended at some point, and Spotify decided to autoplay songs neither of them knew. Pleasant songs, some quite good ones, some that Youngbin decided to check the name of and saved for himself. And some that just blended into the background as small drops of rain began splattering onto the windshield. Thunder rolled in the distance, yet considerably closer to them than before.
And the two of them were quiet as they'd entered the familiar surroundings of Rosebury again. Until Alex decided to no longer be.
"Hey, Bin?" In his voice laid insecurity, something thoughtful, something oddly tired. "You ever been in love?" What a strange question. But, out of all the questions to ask during a quiet, comfortable night drive, this was probably one of the most fitting ones.
"No." His answer was clear and immediate. Never in love, no. He couldn't afford to be anyway.
"Never ever? Not once?"
"I've had crushes, I suppose. Really small ones. Like the ones you really can't even take seriously."
"Yeah." Alex sighed as though there was nothing heavier in the world than having insignificant crushes. "Tell me about it."
"Was Leia like that for you?" Youngbin suddenly found himself asking. Alex hesitated, furrowed his brow, then shrugged, half nodded and half shook his head.
"I don't know. Maybe. Couldn't tell you. I mean- We were friends for a while and then feelings developed but I don't really know what exactly those feelings were anymore. Might've been a stupid crush. Or true love. Whatever. Who the fuck cares anymore."
Youngbin couldn't help but think about the comments she had left on Alex' posts on social media. Friendly and supportive and nothing that could ever end in such hatred for each other.
"It's a little sad, I think," Youngbin mumbled more to himself than to Alex. "You were friends and now... All you want is for the other to be miserable? Imagine if you could've just stayed friends, maybe-"
"Sucks to suck." Alex' voice had turned a little less lost in thought, and more cold, more accepting, but not in a healthy way. "Didn't happen like that. No more friendship. I don't give a fuck."
Youngbin held back the urge to say something, give advice he'd never followed himself, to slip into the role of the protective best friend for just a second to tell him to stop pretending. Because he'd done that already, he'd stopped pretending around Youngbin, had taken off the mask and become more himself. But, no, he could play the tough guy again for now. He could be so cold and unbothered if he really needed that so badly.
Youngbin leaned back, looked out the window, watched the passing lights as they drove back into the barely beating heart of Rosebury. A silence filled the car once more, and this time, Youngbin didn't find as much comfort in it as he usually did. In fact, he'd started to wish for the noise, the loudness from earlier. The odd tones and voice cracks and all that damn freedom that came with it.
So, he reached for Alex' phone, unlocked it, scrolled through Spotify for a little, then:
"Best album of all time?"
"What?"
"What's the best album ever released? Come on, one right answer."
"Uh-" Alex was certainly caught off guard, too busy moping about what could've been. "I guess- Well, it's Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge."
"Wrong." Youngbin didn't even know that album. He still knew that it was wrong, though. He tapped on the play button, and for a couple of seconds, barely anything could even be heard, except for a far away melody. "It's Wish You Were Here, actually. By Pink Floyd."
Alex nodded.
"Right. You have the cover hanging on your wall."
"Because it is the best album ever created, of course."
"I guess I can live with that opinion." Now those familiar features had turned back to their usual softness, and Youngbin felt a little lighter when Alex smiled again. "It's good. Turn it louder."
Youngbin did as he was told, then closed his eyes for a little as he took in the album's intro. Rain drops disappeared amidst the guitar, lights blurred, reflected on the wet street like on a flowing river, orange and yellow, sometimes a blue, sometimes a red, and in the far, far distance, a lightning had formed for a split second.
"Where do you want to go, actually?" Alex now asked, quiet as to not disrupt that perfect peace.
"I don't care. Drive me around for as long as there's gas in this car."
"We'll have some time left, then."
"It's fine. The album's 43 minutes long. I don't mind listening to it a couple times over, by the way."
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WC: 7904
this chapter is dedicated to Louisa and Lilly who took me on night drives whenever shit got bad, and to my brother who wears glasses now, congrats.
remember to vote and comments and share with everyone you know and tag all your friends that you would also drive off a cliff with