Serenity Hiraya
"My loveee!" Sinalubong ako ni Violet nang isang mahigpit na yakap pagkapasok ko pa lang sa gate.
"Vi!" I shrieked before hugging her back.
"OMG! Graduate na tayo! I'm so happy! Congrats, bebe!" She gave me a light kiss on my cheeks.
"Can we at least go inside? Mainit dito, oh!" Reklamo ko bago hinawakan ang kamay niya papunta sa kung saan kami dapat maghihintay.
I held her wrist while my other hand held the end of my dress. I was wearing a white ribbon strap midi dress that reached below my knees. I paired it with a beige three inch sandals. My mid length hair was tied in a half pony using a white ribbon. Lastly, I chose to wear contact lenses instead of my glasses.
Hawak ni dada ang toga ko na nakasunod lang sa amin ni Violet.
We took a lot of selfies and pictures with our classmates. Technically, this will be my last day with them—kung hindi kami mag year end party.
Nang magsimula na kaming mag-marcha ay aaminin kong masaya ako. Finally, after two years ng hard work, nagbunga na ito at ngayon ay aalis na ako ng senior high school.
However, despite the contentment I felt, I feel like there's something missing. I am satisfied and euphoric with my award but there's a peculiar ache in my chest that I cannot fathom.
Mas masaya siguro ako kung hindi ko pinagdaanan ang mga nangyari. Nevertheless, I cannot feel any remorse or regret meeting and loving Steven. Because of him, I learned a lot of lessons that I will surely take with me for the rest of my life.
Nagsimula ang pag-akyat ng mga students at pagkuha nila ng diploma sa ABM strand at sumunod sa GAS. Some parents are emotional as they accompany their child on the stage.
Nang HUMSS Strand na ay naunang pumila ang mga lalaki na naka alphabetically arranged. Pangalawa si Steven sa tatawagin pero kahit hindi pa natatawag ay rinig ko na ang palakpak nila Cameron.
"Alvarez, Kenji Steven, With Highest Honors. Class salutatorian..." they announced as he walked to the stage.
I kept my hand low but I was one of those who clapped hard. A lot of students were cheering for him, especially girls.
He received his diploma with a smile on his lips. Then, his eyes searched for someone. When our eyes met, I quickly avoided my gaze.
I don't want to look at him right now.
Pagkatapos ng mga lalaki ay kami na. Pangatlo ako sa tatawagin at kahit gano'n ay kinakabahan pa rin ako.
"Añasco, Serenity Hiraya, With Highest Honors. Class valedictorian..."
When I heard my name, I marched up the stage to receive my medal and diploma. The sounds of claps were almost deafening. They looked so happy and in awe—a proud expression was plastered on their faces.
So this is how it felt like? Ang sarap sa pakiramdam.
Pagkabalik namin sa upuan ay naghintay lang akong matapos makaakyat sa stage ang ibang estudyante bago ako muling tawagin.
"At this juncture, we shall listen to Serenity Hiraya Añasco, president lister and with highest honors from Humanities and Social Sciences for her valedictorian speech. Let's give her a round of applause."
My hand was shaking as I approached the stage. I already practiced standing in front of a lot of people but I still feel like something was stuck in my throat.
"Out of 29,556 words that start with the letter F, there is just one word that scares me the most. The word 'failure' would always ring a bell in my mind and would create a scenario where I could see sad faces and rivers of tears. I envisioned that word as a place where the judging eyes of people would drain my blood and slowly bring me to my knees," I paused. I looked at the students and parents inside the gymnasium.
"I never wanted any of that, so I refused to understand that word. For consideration, I never really knew what that word means. I never knew because for once... I grew up as a consistent honor student, so I never experienced failing my examinations or having a line of sevens in my report cards. I would always be showered with compliments and praises from different people—telling me how good I am. However, these compliments turned into a curse—no matter how much I refused—it molded me into someone who's afraid of failing."
Inilibot ko ang aking tingin sa kanila. Kita sa kanilang mukha na inaabangan nila ang susunod kong sasabihin.
"Because of it, I became someone who feels like I am above others. I transformed from an innocent girl to someone who thinks so highly of herself... someone who believed that she needed to be always on top... to always be the best." I chuckled as I continued. "I became too harsh with people. I never want them to win an argument against me or at least be higher at me in all aspects. I was afraid of failing because I don't want to disappoint other people. I don't want to disappoint my friends, my parents, my boyfriend... myself."
I could feel my nose burning as I took a deep breath to calm myself. And when I was about to burst into tears, I searched for someone that would calm the storms from inside me.
"My senior high school journey became my eye-opener. And amidst the war I had with myself, I found salvation. I met new people, I created new friends... I found love. They were the ones who made me realize that there is a much deeper definition in failure..."
When I saw my friends with their teary eyes, I almost broke down in front of everyone.
"I wanna thank those people who had my back. Those who supported me in all ways..." I can't help but cry when I saw Steven looking at me with his loving eyes. I maintained eye contact as I continued my speech. "I-I want to thank someone who became my strength, my inspiration, and my serenity. Thank you for b-being so, so proud of me even when I can't be proud of myself. Salamat kasi pinagmamalaki mo pa rin ako pati sa mga pagkakataong pinagdududuhan ko ang kakayahan ko..."
I wiped the tears running down my cheeks before I cleared my throat.
"They made me understand that failing is not just about receiving low scores in exams or not being part of the rankings. Failure can also be a symbol that I still have a lot of lessons to learn, and more room to grow... to be a better version of myself."
Muli akong tumingin sa ibang tao bago ko sila binigyan ng malaking ngiti.
"So, I stand here today not to inspire you to drown yourself with studying. I am here to encourage you to allow yourself to cry, to be weak, and to be disappointed with yourself sometimes... Allow yourself to fail... because it doesn't necessarily mean that you're a failure. I want all of us to free ourselves from the fear of failing because it's a part of our life. Don't ever stop achieving your dreams because you failed once..."
I looked down at the blank paper in front of me. I never wrote my speech because I don't know what to say. I did not prepare for this despite the days given to me. I pretended to read something but in reality, I just blurted out the words I wanted to say.
"I want to congratulate all of you for being here today... Thank you for fighting and for overcoming the challenges you faced. Kung bumagsak man, huwag kang titigil dahil lang pakiramdam mo talo ka. Malayo pa, pero malayo ka na. Congratulations again and thank you."
Sinalubong ako ng masigabong palakpakan pagkatapos ng talumpati ko. Kinailangan ko pang mag dahan-dahan sa pagbaba dahil nanlalabo ang paningin ko.
Nang pamadaan ako sa side ng mga magulang ay nakita kong inaabangan ako ni dada. Binukas niya ang kanyang mga bisig na para bang hinihintay niya akong tumakbo sa kanya.
So I did.
I ran towards my father and gave him the tightest hug I could give. I cried in his embrace while he kissed my forehead.
"I'm so proud of you anak. Ang galing-galing mo. Pinagmamalaki ka ni dada." His voice broke.
"T-thank you dada..." I cried. "I love you po."
"I love you, anak. I'm sure your mommy is so proud of you."
When he mentioned my mom, I smiled against his chest. Isang araw na lang at makikita ko na si mommy.
After the ceremony, sinabihan muna kami ng adviser namin na hintayin siya sa classroom dahil may ibibigay raw siyang regalo. But, instead of being there, I asked Violet to get mine because I have to be somewhere I need to be.
"Hi," bati ko kay Josiah nang makarating ako sa meeting place namin.
"Congrats, Raya. Thank you for meeting me."
I just nodded and sat beside him. "Why do you want to meet me?"
He chuckled. "This is nothing important, actually. I just want to give you a graduation gift and leave a message."
May inabot siya sa aking isang envelope. I asked for his permission to open it which he immediately approved.
Pagbukas ko ay bumungad sa akin ang isang ticket. Nakasulat doon ang venue at ang oras ng isang event.
"We're having our first performance in a music festival. Apparently, may naka discover sa aming producer and they wanted to finance our performance. Dapat last month pa 'yan kasi nung nakaraan pa ticket selling. Binigay ko sa'yo 'yang ticket kasi ayaw iabot sa'yo ni Kenj. ." tumawa siya. "Hindi pa rin kayo okay?"
Ayaw niyang iabot sa akin? Does it mean he doesn't wanna see me again?
Mahina akong natawa habang sunusuri ang hawak ko. "Thank you for this. Pupunta ako..." I lied. Iniwasan ko ring ipaliwanag ang sagot ko sa kanya.
"Alright, we'll be expecting you. Thank you, Raya. Congratulations ulit."
Nauna siyang umalis at naiwan akong nakaupo sa bench sa may garden. Nakatitig lang ako sa binigay niya. May mga kasama silang sikat na banda at artist sa music festival na ito. I'm sure masaya silang lahat at naghahanda sila para rito.
Bukas pala ang concert na gaganapin sa Makati. I want to come so badly pero hindi na maaari dahil mamaya na ang flight ko papuntang Australia.
"Congratulations... you made it." A baritone voice filled my ears when I felt someone beside me.
Halos magwala ang puso ko nang tumabi si Steven sa akin.
It feels like deja vu. Ganito rin ang nangyari noong nakipag-break siya sa akin.
"Thank you... c-congrats din." Hindi ko masabi nang buo ang salitang iyon dahil feel ko unfair para sa kanya.
"How are you?" He asked again.
"I'm fine, getting better. Kumusta ka?"
He looked at me as his lips stretched for a small smile. His eyes were doing the same because I noticed them sparkling when he saw my face.
"I'm good. I'm glad you're okay..."
Sinakop kami ng nakkaabinging katahimikan bago ako nagsalita ulit.
"Steven... I'm sorry." Humarap ako sa kanya. "I-I'm so sorry."
"For what?" He asked softly. His gaze never left my face.
"Saan ka mag-cocollege?" Iniba ko ang tanong ko para makuha niya ang hint na gsuto kong iparating.
"Kung saan gusto ni mama..."
"Okay lang sa'yo?"
My heart skipped a beat when he moved closer and tucked few strands of hair behind my ears.
"Okay na sa akin. You don't need to worry about it. Besides, nakikilala na rin naman na kami, hindi ko na siguro kailangang mag-pursue ng music course."
"Pero iyon ang gusto mo, 'di ba?"
He nodded. "Hindi naman magbabago 'yon."
"I'm sorry..."
Pakiramdam ko ay kasalanan kong hindi niya ma-pupursue sa college ang course na gusto niya sa kanyang dream university.
He stood up and he took my hand with him. He faced me before he circled his arm on my waist.
"It's okay, hirang. Don't say sorry for the things you have no control of. Ayos na sa akin 'yon, hmm? Hindi na ako galit."
When I heard his statement, I couldn't help but to clutch his short sleeved button down as I sobbed on his chest.
"And thank you for being so strong and for making it this far. I'm so proud of you. Always been, always will."
He said those as he brushed my hair using his fingers. It calmed my nerves abruptly.
"Thank you... I'm so proud of you, too. Palagi."
I heard him sighed before his embrace tightened.
"Can we make this work again? Can we start over?"
As much as I want to have a relationship with him again, alam kong hindi pa ako handa ulit.
Those two long years drained my energy. I feel like I lost myself and I wanted to regain myself. I want to enjoy my own company and spend time with my mother. I want to explore more about myself—to discover talents I didn't know I have, to let me know that I am not just about academics. Gusto ko sa pagbalik ko, matatag na ako ulit... and I am the best version of myself.
"I-I... I can't. I'll be leaving for Australia. Ayaw kong may maiiwan ako rito."
Bumitiw siya sa yakap ko bago hinawakan ang aking kamay.
"When?"
"Later."
I saw pain cross his eyes. His once dilated pupils shrunk, an indication that he did not like the thing I said.
"K-kalian ka babalik?" Mahinang tanong niya.
"Hindi ko pa alam."
Nang makita kong nanubig ang kanyang mata ay nanghina ako. Mas lalo pa nang marinig ko ang malalim niyang paghinga kasabay ng paghigpit ng hawak niya sa kamay ko.
"Alright. Please take care of yourself." He whispered, then kissed my forehead for a long time. "Promise me you'll come back."
He dried the tears on my cheeks. I did it to him as well before I gave him a loving smile.
"Babalik ako..." I tiptoed and gave him a kiss on his chin. "Babalik ako sa'yo."
⌗˚ , ᜊ₊˚ ໑
I did not bother saying goodbye to them. I didn't let them know that I'll be going to Australia today.
Bago kami dumiretso ni dada sa airport ay sinabihan ko siya na may daanan muna kami. Hindi ako makakapunta sa music festival bukas at alam ko kung sino ang mas deserving para sa ticket na iyon.
I took one last glance at the Philippine land before I entered the airport. Sinamahan ako ni dada hanggang sa tawagin ang flight number ko. Mag-isa akong sumunod sa pila dala ang bagahe ko.
I watched the plane take off from the window seat. For just a couple of hours, I'll be in Australia and I'm able to see my mother again.
Pagdating namin sa airport ay sinundo kami ng sasakyan ni lola. Hinatid kami sa mansion niya kung saan nandoon ang mga pinsan ko at ang dalawang kapatid ko sa side ni mama.
They prepared a welcoming dinner for me. Mababait naman sila, hindi ko alam kung bakit si lola lang ang hindi. Binati pa nila ako dahil sa graduation ko kanina.
"Ah, my dear apo. Congratulations, I knew you could do it. Now, you should focus on Melbourne's entrance exam, hija. Let me know what you need to study."
I almost rolled my eyes at her statement. Wow, so I'm her "apo" na? Kung hindi ba ako grumaduate na valedictorian, hindi niya ako i-coconsider na apo?
Pinili kong hindi makipag-usap sa kanya, bagkus ay dumiretso sa kuwarto kung nasaan nagpapahinga si mommy.
Nang masilayan niya ako ay agad nagliwanag ang kanyang mukha. Mabilis akong lumapit sa kinahihigaan niya bago siya hinagkan nang marahan.
"My daughter..." she sobbed.
"M-mommy, nandito na po ako..." I stuttered as I cried with her.
Mas lalong pumayat ang itsura niya kumpara sa huling kita ko sa kanya sa video call. Bahagya ring namumutla ang kanyang balat at lumalamlam ang kanyang mata.
Hinayaan ko siyang umiyak sa balikat ko habang inaalo ko siya. Sobrang saya ng puso ko habang hawak ko ang aking ina. Matagal kong pinangarap na makita siya sa personal at mahagkan siya ulit.
"How are you, mom?"
"I feel better that you're here, anak. Ang ganda-ganda mo," bulong niya habang hinahaplos ang pisngi ko. "Hindi ako makapaniwala na nandito ka ulit sa tabi ko."
Ngumiti ako. "Humanap ako ng paraan para makita ulit kita mommy. Hindi ako aalis sa tabi mo."
Hindi ko sinabi sa kanya ang napag-usapan namin ni lola. Ayoko ring dumagdag pa ito sa iisipin niya.
"Grumaduate po akong valedictorian..." masayang kwento ko bago ipinakita ang nakuha kong medalya. "You became my inspiration."
Natawa ako nang muli siyang napahikbi. "I-I'm so proud of you, anak. Ang dada mo, kumusta?"
"He's doing great po. He misses you a lot."
For the first time, I saw her eyes twinkle. Seems like her memories with dada surge into her mind.
"I miss your dada, too. Pag bumalik ka sa Pilipinas, sabihin mo na-mimiss ko na siya."
I giggled at her silliness. Minsan feel ko kay mommy ako nagmana ng pagiging madaldal at makulit ko minsan.
"Matagal pa siguro, mommy. I'll finish my studies here first."
We talked about random things. I told her all about my senior high school days while she talked about how she met dada. We would laugh, cry, and feel embarrassed with each other's story. I enjoyed the time I spent with my mother alone.
"Anak, sino siya?" Tanong niya nang mapansin niya ang nakabukas kong wallet na katabi ng dalawang cassette na dala ko hanggang dito.
Inside my wallet was a picture of us—me and Steven. It was taken on his birthday where we celebrated by organizing a picnic date for the both of us. It was a selfie. He was the one holding the camera while I hugged his waist and kissed his cheeks.
"Steven," I said with a faint smile on my lips. "My first love."
"Tell me more about him."
Ang akala ko ay aalma si mommy na gano'n ang pagpapakilala ko sa kanya. Hindi ba siya galit na nagkaroon ako ng boyfriend bago pa ako naging legal?
"Beside my studies, he was my everything, 'my. He became my world..." I started to tell my mom about our story.
And soon, I hope to tell our story to our future children.
Soon, I want a future with him.
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elluneily 🌷🍰🎫