angst? mentions of past ed, mentions of purging, mentions of sex (like one), cursing a bit, mean petey, panic attck kinda
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after the war with thanos, peter had grown distant. and you didn't blame him, you figured that he was giving himself a break, he was taking time to heal. and you understood that, peter was grieving.
you always tried to be there for him, but he made it hard sometimes.
never did you hold it against him.
peter had lost his mentor, his teammates, and beyond that- his family. you didn't expect him to move on, it was a lot at once, even more so with the blip. he was still adjusting (you were too, but this was different).
he spent nights on the couch, outside who-knows-where, and sometimes... sometimes he would drink. you took note of the fact he tried not to do it around you.
but some nights he would come home late, stenched in the strong odor of beer and sweat. peter would be drunk and snappy, and yes, at times it scared you.
not that you'd ever tell peter that.
but his "grieving" grew unhealthy, and who were you to let that slide? he wouldn't eat or drink properly, god knows about his hygene, and he wasn't getting enough sleep. so you made him cooperate, which did result in many arguements, but it did work for the most part. but your relationship, you felt, wouldn't ever be the same.
date nights? what were those?
kissing? nope.
sex? no. never. (not that it was a big deal for you, you could care less about that.)
no hand-holding.
and no cuddles. cuddles. none of those.
peter snapped at you often. he struggled to contain his temper, and easily grew annoyed. it was like even the smallest remark could lead to something big.
"peter, you have to eat. you didn't have breakfast."
"you didn't either."
"that's different. i haven't been skipping my meals."
"why? you've been throwing up instead?"
he watched as your face twisted into disbelief and pain. but you pushed it away, dead-set on getting peter to eat.
"this isn't healthy, love."
"neither is you getting on the scale a hundred times a day."
you had been checking your weight more frequently again, part of the reason being the fact that you were scared peter didn't love you anymore because you were getting fat. but it wasn't unhealthy.
you recognized the problem. you told your therapist, stopping it from becoming something bad.
but peter wouldn't know that. he wouldn't know anything.
"please don't go there," you whispered quietly, "i just want you to be happy, okay? and healthy." that must've been where he felt like the conversation had ended, so he left. you didn't know what to do anymore. so you cried. because that felt like the only thing you could do right.
-
(first person)
"i just don't know what to do-"
"you know you have, like, an actual therapist for this, right?" mj asked, raising an eyebrow.
"well, yeah, but she doesn't know peter like you do."
she sighed, locking eyes with me, "y/n, peter's being a dick, and i don't know when he'll see that you aren't somebody for him to take his anger out onto. you shouldn't be taken for granted."
"mj, it's not like that. he's just-"
"what? grieving? is that what you've been telling yourself? babes, this isn't even that anymore. it's unhealthy. not just for him, but for you. yeah, he lost people. i did, too. my mom died, y/n, she died. and i wasn't in that hospital with her while she was on her deathbed. why? because of the fucking blip. but i've moved on. everyone has, because where will moping around like an alcohol addict get you?
"know what? i'll answer that for you. nowhere. it'll get you nowhere. i get it, you want to be there for him-"
"no! you don't get it! i love him! i-i need... i need to be there for him," my sentence broke into quiet sobs, and mj pulled my close to her, rubbing my back.
"i know, i know," she cooed. soon enough, my crying ceased, and i pulled away with red eyes.
"what do i do, then? just leave him? he doesn't have anyone."
"talk to him. maybe he'll change."
"and if he doesn't?"
mj gave me a look, because i already knew the answer. yes, in a way she was right. it was an unhealthy, toxic relationship. peter was pulling me down, and he was breaking off a piece of my heart every passing day.
thinking about not being with him, left me with a dull ache, but at the same time, it was a crushing sensation, one that broke me down completely. i couldn't imagine a life without him.
he was my life. he... is my life? was it too late to be speaking in the present tense?
maybe mj was right. maybe i needed to talk to him.
but i was scared. i was really, really scared. what if...? what if it ended horribly? and i never saw him again?
what if i left him, and no one was there for peter... and he'd- he'd die? because he wasn't sleeping right? or eating enough? or staying hydrated?
what if he needed someone to help patch him up? but no one was there? would he simply bleed out?
my heart sped faster at the thought, and my breath came out ragged.
"woah, hey, breathe."
i pushed away any and all thoughts of him, focusing on inhaling and exhaling, trying to get my heartbeat to normal.
-
(peter's pov)
"peter!" y/n chirped, a grin on her face. i sighed, already feeling a migraine come on. i didn't want to talk. i wanted to sleep, or... i don't know. just not talk.
"you know that book i've been reading? it's really good, by the way, i think you'd really like it. there's this boy who reminds me of you," she wiggled her eyebrows, "he's like, super scared of spiders. which is ironic."
i tried to tune her out, but her voice was loud. really loud. my head was blaring, and i kind of wanted to puke.
stop talking. please.
"-coming here! they've got a convention and everything? can you believe it? and, get this, i got us both freaking tickets! we can, like, have a date or something. it's from 2:00-6:00, so we can get food at this fancy new diner that just opened up-"
has y/n always been this annoying? there's no way. if i'd known before, i doubt i would've started this.
i gritted my teeth, ready to pull all of my hair out. how much would it take for her to fuck off?
"oh my god," i muttered, completely done and exasperated. "do you ever consider carrying around a plant for all the oxygen you waste everyday?"
i watched her smile drop instantly, satisfied. for once, it felt good to hurt someone. i was so goddamn tired of always helping everyone. this was barely a tenth of how i felt. she blinked rapidly, and i went back to the web shooter.
damn thing just wouldn't-
"can we talk?" i inhaled sharply.
"what, y/n? what? what could you possibly have to say that you haven't already said yet?"
"i-i, um, i-"
"is that all you know how to say?"
"no, i'm sorry. no, wait, no i'm not. you're the one being a dick. which is precisely why i wanted to talk."
"jeez. what do you want me to say?"
"you don't have to say anything. not yet. can you- can you just listen?"
i didn't answer, going back to tinkering. if this would make her feel better, then whatever.
"i just... i feel like we aren't the same. you aren't, at least. and maybe i've changed too, i don't know. i can't really dicate that for myself, that wouldn't be fair," she laughed, and i could practically feel her nervousness. y/n's heartbeat was loud, too, so loud that it felt like it was banging the in the back of my head. i could smell the sweat on her hands, too.
what did she possibly have to say that was freaking her out like this?
"i love you, peter. i haven't stopped."
"...okay?"
"i'm trying to say that i want things to go back to normal. i don't know if that's even possible, but i know we can try. because i'm willing to make things work, and give you another chance."
i spun around, narrowing my eyes at her. ""i'm sorry, 'another chance'?"
"um... yeah?" y/n said, and i could tell she was getting less confident.
"why the absolute, and i cannot stress this enough, the fuck would i need another chance?"
"do you hear yourself? the way you're speaking to me? how- how did we go from that... to this? my gosh, you used to be the sweetest boy ever. you apologized for things that weren't even your fault, and you said 'thank you' for things you didn't need to say to. what happened to that?"
"spider-man happened. and why are you making me sound like the bad guy? i save lives because i can, out of my free will."
"i miss you," she whispered. "i miss my peter. this isn't- you aren't-"
"aren't what? go on. because i-"
"shut up. shut the fuck up and let me talk. for once in your life, listen," i snapped my mouth shut, waiting, and shocked.
"a memory. a faded picture. a failed potential. because that's all we are now, right? why fight for something i know will go nowhere? why fight for someone who can't fight for me back? you know what i've realized?
"i've realized there is so much more to the world than this, than you. i realized how much love i could give to the world and how stupid i was for only giving that love to you when you didn't even deserve it.
"this is what i feared the most. this moment right here. the transition between having something and having nothing but regret. and it's happening right now, right in front of my eyes, and there's nothing i can even do about it.
but, peter, this is for me. this is so i can grow and let go. because now i know that you won't change. if this is the way that it's going to go now, i want no part of it."
she was crying now, and i scoffed. "what the hell are you even saying? what do you mean?"
"what i mean is, i'm going to stop watering a dead flower, expecting it to grow again. it's over. this is over."
i didn't know what to say, so i gaped at her. what did she mean "over"? y/n wasn't going to just leave, i knew she didn't have that in her.
"so that's it? because once i get out of that door, what we once had will perish. i'm afraid i'm not ready for that yet. maybe i never will be."
"fine, then. leave. you'll be back anyways," i shrugged, and she sighed, shaking her head.
so i let her. i let her leave.
and then i waited for her to come back.
i waited a long time.
i still am.
that's when i realized how she felt.
she'd been waiting, too.
the only difference was that we'd switched roles.