*edited*
"Do you know what you've done?" It was the voice again. I couldn't speak or move. I had nobody. No mind. I was just present. "You have nothing left to give Lena. There is nothing left to give for you. You've given it all to others. You've not kept an ounce for yourself, Lynn. Selfless forever."
I sat up quickly my body feeling heavy as I looked around the institute. I was in the infirmary. My clothes were new. I didn't know how I had gotten here. I moved from the bed my bare feet touching the floor as I moved through the institute.
I didn't have my gear. How long had I been asleep? I went to my room grabbed shoes and put them on. Lilith. Alec wasn't around I had searched all of the rooms. Jace, Isabelle, and Clary are gone too. I walked into the main room and saw Underhill first.
"Hey, do you know where everyone is?" I asked. He looked at me and then did a double-take.
"Lena?!" He smiled and then hugged me. We weren't that close. I pushed him back. "It's so good to see you awake."
"Awake?" I asked. "Where is everyone?" Lindsay came forward with a smile.
"Alec, Isabelle, and Jace are out on a mission," She said.
"Clary?" I asked. Their faces dropped. "What?"
"Lena, um—." Lindsay stopped.
"They should be the ones to tell her," Underhill whispered.
"Tell me now," I snapped. They both looked at one another.
"Clary died in the fight with Lilith," Underhill muttered. Neither of them could look me in the eyes. I shook my head.
"No, no, that wouldn't. She was supposed to be—." I looked at them. Underhill touched my shoulder, but I smacked his hand away from me. "Just-stop!"
I walked for the doors leaving the institute. Alec, Isabelle, and Jace were on a mission. I wandered around the city. It was dark outside. I didn't have my phone. The last thing I can remember was healing Alec. Jace was supposed to go for Clary. I walked to Magnus's apartment. The door was locked as I tried to walk in. I knocked on the door until he opened it.
"Bean!" He smiled and pulled me into a hug.
"Is she dead?" I asked. He moved back staring at me. My eyes were already watering. I needed someone else to tell me.
"Lilly—."
"Is Clary dead?" I asked him again. He took a deep breath which answered my question. I pursed my lips and moved back toward the stairs.
"Lilly wait," Magnus called, but I didn't stop.
Clary was dead. She wasn't dead. Clary Fray. Clary Fairchild. Clary Morgenstern wasn't dead. I would know. I was her twin. I would feel it. I would feel it. I walked through the streets everything focusing in and out. I walked into a liquor store stealing a few bottles as I got to the top of the bookstore.
"You aren't dead," I breathed.
When I thought about my past I remembered it. I could remember it all now. I opened one of the bottles drinking it as I looked out over the streets. My mind playing the memories. The good and the bad. Everything that I did with Clary.
Everything that we've gone through. Everything I've sacrificed for her. The tears fell before I realized I was crying. Jace was supposed to go after her. I saved him for her. I saved the love of her life for her, but she wasn't here. It wasn't true. I've avoided death on many occasions. She isn't dead.
Morgenstern's didn't die. Not us. Not her. Not me. When I finished the bottle I held the empty thing over the edge of the roof letting it fall shattering on the pavement. It was the alley so no one would step on it tomorrow if they walked through.
"Lena." I grabbed another bottle.
"She's not dead," I took another long sip. Alec came forward leaning against the roof's edge and looking over at me. "I'm glad you okay." I smiled at him as the tears fell. He tilted his head at me his eyes softening. "Out of all of this at least you're alive." The chemical burn came back up my throat.
"I'm sorry, Lena." He whispered. I shook my head.
"I made decisions," I wiped my cheeks. "I don't regret them." I chose to leave her there. I trusted that she could take care of herself. "How is Jace doing?"
"He's trying," Alec admitted. "How are you?"
"How long have I been unconscious?" I asked.
"Three days. It's not long, but most of them didn't think you were going to wake up," Alec breathed. "I didn't know if you were going to wake up."
"I would die for you." Alec clenched his jaw.
"I know, Lena. But what makes you think I can live without you," He breathed. "I don't care if I'm dying, but you aren't sacrificing yourself for me. You've done it for too many people. I can't watch you die, Lena. I can't." He shook his head.
"And you think I can watch you die!" I yelled. "Alec you're the first person to ever care for me. Truly care. If you died I would slip. If you die, I'm dead beside you. I can't live without you and I know that selfish to Isabelle, but I can't lose you. I've lost too many people already. I've lost so much." Alec stepped closer to me touching my arms. "I won't lose anyone else." A raindrop hit my forehead as I looked up seeing more fall.
"Let's get back," Alec reasoned.
I moved off the roof's edge moving to the middle as I started to dance in the ran as it grew more aggressive. The bottle was still gripped in my other as I looked around the city.
"I love the rain," I took in a deep breath. Alec had his arms crossed over his chest as he looked at me. His hair soaked and pressing against his forehead. I set the bottle down and moved toward him.
"We should get back, you could get sick," Alec reasoned. I smiled and grabbed his arms moving my fingers until I grabbed his hands.
"Dance with me."
"Lena, I can't dance."
Alec's body was stiff as I pulled him to the middle of the rain. I did a little twirl as I moved with him. The alcohol had gone to the front of my brain as I curled in wrapping myself in his arms I laughed then I rolled out and spun looking up at the sky. I paused seeing Alec staring at me. I pushed my hair back out of my face.
"What?" He moved forward pulling me toward him by the back of my neck as he kissed me. Our lips were wet from the raindrops. "I love you." He pressed his forehead to mine as I smiled.
"You are my family." Alec smiled as he kissed me again. "But seriously we need to get you to the institute. One of us is going to catch pneumonia."
"A few more minutes?" I leaned back closing my eyes a little as I faced the sky.
"A few more minutes."
***
I walked in first holding Alec's hand as we walked through the institute. Isabelle and Jace were standing in front of a monitor.
"You both are always working," I said. They turned around quickly. Isabelle smirked.
"I'm so happy you're awake," She came forward ready to hug me.
"I'm soaking," I warned her, but she still pulled me to her.
"I'm sorry Lena," She whispered.
I didn't respond as she held me closer. My eyes screwed shut as I ignored the buzz of sound around us. Clary wasn't dead. I didn't believe that. If I could come back, so could she.
"I have a mission," Jace went to leave.
"Jace," He stopped and turned back to me. "Your off mission for today. Come with me." He looked at Alec.
"She can't—."
"Oh she can," Alec nodded. Jace clenched his jaw but walked with me.
"We are going to train. Stay in the training room, let off some steam, I will be there in a few minutes," I explained.
He nodded and went into the room. I made sure he stayed there before I went back changing my clothes as well. When I came back in my hair was in a ponytail. It was still slightly damp from the rain. Jace was punching the bags near the corner. He was throwing each fist out so fast the bag didn't have time to snap back.
"Let's spar." I stretched my arms, back, legs, and neck, and cracked my knuckles.
"I'm not sparring with you," Jace shook his head. His eyes moved away from me.
"You are."
"Alec will kill me if I hurt you. You just woke up," Jace tried to walk across the room away from me, but I shoved him back.
"You are sparring with me," I demanded. He finally looked at me.
"Is this so you can beat on me? Yell at me for letting her—." He cut himself off his jaw wired tight.
"I'm not going to yell at you Jace," I breathed. "It was my fault."
"How?!" He threw his hands in the air looking annoyed. "How the hell is that your fault?"
"I trusted her judgment," I admitted. "She told me to go save you so I did. I was the one that left her. If anyone is to blame it's me."
"She wouldn't be gone if I wasn't the owl," Jace shook his head. His eyes burned. "She would be alive if it weren't for me, Lena. Your sister would be here."
"You might blame yourself, but I don't blame you. Clary wouldn't blame you either. She was going to do anything to save you," I said. "She loves you."
"Loved," Jace corrected. I swallowed the remaining spit in my mouth as I stared at him. "She would be walking around here. She would be in her room painting or sketching. I could see her. I could hear her laugh—."
"I get it, Jace," I cut him off.
"Why can't you blame me?" He asked. His hand hit his sternum a few times giving the hollow sound of his bones.
"Because it wasn't you." He shook his head.
"It was me, just blame me for it. I deserve it. I deserve your hate," Jace moved closer to me. His eyes watered as he got closer and closer.
"I won't give you that kind of undeserved pain. You can grieve the way that you want, but we both know what loss really means. You can deal with it your way, but I won't be blaming you cause it wasn't your fault." I explained. He shook his head. His lips pursed as a few tears fell. He wiped them away quickly.
"Yet you get to blame yourself," Jace gestured to me.
"She was my sister. My younger twin. The last piece of blood family I had," I explained. Jace held my eyes. "It was my responsibility to protect her. I'd promised Jocelyn to protect Clary. I had promised myself I would protect her and I have broken it." I raised my hands shaking them out slightly.
"Now. enough talking." Jace looked from me to the door but brought his hands up as he too readied himself. We circled one another until I moved for the first attack.
It was clear Jace had the upper hand, but I was faster and to his disadvantage, he didn't have Alec's height so I could take him down a few times. Jace was an exceptional fighter. His angelic powers gave him the upper hand several times though.
Every time he used them, I would fall or get pinned. It was pissing me off, but I didn't let it show. I would laugh as I shoved him back until I got him onto the mat.
"Brute," Jace grumbled. I paced back and forth with my hands on my hips. My chest rose and fell as I took a deep breath.
"Say's you," I shot back smiling at him as he got back up.
"How long do you think we've been doing this?" Jace asked. I shrugged my shoulders tucking my stray hairs behind my ears.
"An hour or so maybe? Why?" I asked.
"I wanted to go on missions. It helps distract," He admitted. He pointed a finger at me. "I still can't believe Alec let you take me off missions for today. He's my parabatai." He narrowed his eyes at me. I smirked.
"Then I guess you can assume who has the bigger influence over him," I reasoned wiggling my brows at him.
"Again," Jace waved for me to go at him. I did something unexpected. I went in kicking instead of punching and my shoe caught one of his arms bringing him down into a kneel as he swept my grounding leg. I rolled back flipping up. "You don't have your angelic abilities anymore?"
"Nope," I breathed as we hesitantly circled one another.
"Do you know why?" Jace asked. "Was it from healing Alec?"
"I think so. I'd given whatever magic I had left to heal him. His stele wasn't working and I wasn't going to lose him," I went forward blocking one of Jace's punches as he tangled our arms together both grunting until I shoved him back giving me space once again.
"You aren't a bad fighter," He smirked.
"Well, I was trained by Valentine," I said. Jace's arms dropped. I guess he'd forgotten about that.
"If you ever need to talk about that you know I would understand," Jace said.
"I know." I moved forward going after him as Isabelle came into the room. Her presence only drove me to want to win as he hit the mat with a groan. I raised my arms in triumph.
"How long have you both been at this?" She smiled. Her arms crossed as she watched both of us.
"Since we left you both," I said. "What are you doing in here? Wanna train?" I smiled. She shook her head and put down a phone.
"This is your new phone and try not to lose it again," She teased. "Magnus has also called you a few times."
"He didn't portal?" I asked. She didn't answer as I walked over calling Magnus. He was probably trying to get ahold of me after I left him at his apartment. The phone rang once.
"Hey," Magnus answered.
"Is everything okay? I'm back at the institute," I explained. Isabelle and Jace talked behind me.
"Yeah, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about Clary," He muttered. I paused.
"Why didn't you portal? You would usually portal to say something like that. Thank you, but now I'm concerned," I stared at the other two.
"No, no everything is fine. I'm just a little tied up right now. If you need anything you know where I live Bean," Magnus hung up. I stared at my screen and then at Isabelle.
"What aren't you telling me?" I asked.
"Magnus lost his magic," Jace answered. Isabelle slowly turned to him with an angry expression.
"What?! How? Is that even possible?"
"It was his father," Jace muttered.
"Jace, you can go on a mission," I ran passed the two of them as I went to my room grabbing a jacket. I ran to Magnus's apartment.
I sent Alec a quick message telling him where I was going and that Jace could go out on missions if he was needed. I was only keeping him from them until he confronted me about his grief. My mind was numb still. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't.
It was a sad feeling. This is how I felt when my mother died. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Clary was my sister. My twin, I love her. Loved her. I still didn't think she was dead. She couldn't be. And at this point, if there wasn't a body I wouldn't say she was dead. Magnus's door was unlocked when I went in.
"Bean?" He looked surprised.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" He sighed and laid back on the couch.
"I'm not letting you skip over your grief," Magnus shook his head.
"Well I'm numb so yes you will. What happened?" I sat across from him on the chair. He leaned forward resting his arms on his knees as he rubbed his hands together.
"We were trying to find another way to break Jace free from Lilith. Alec went to Lorenzo, but he denied it. So I had to go to another powerful person who owes me," He stared at his palms. His father. "I wanted his help saving Jace. Instead, it enraged him. So he stripped me of my magic." Magnus clapped his hands together, but nothing happened. "Therefore I'm mortal now. So I can grow old with you."
"How do we get it back?" I asked.
Magnus's magic was him. He loved his magic. He would be able to live without it, but he didn't deserve this mundane life. Not now after so many centuries.
"You can't," He sighed. He pushed himself up as he walked over to his makeup stand. He grabbed the eyeliner pencil. "Do you know how to do this? I haven't had to do this before and it's irritating."
"You don't need the makeup Magnus, you know that," I smiled. He groaned and set down the pencil. "I will do it this one time after this you have to look it up on the internet, okay?" He smirked and turned toward me holding the pencil.
"I love you, bean," He cheered. I sighed and moved beside him pulling up another chair as I quickly applied the eyeliner. "How do you know how to do this?"
"Clary isn't the only artist in the family. She's just better at it than me," I reasoned. Magnus gave me a tight smile. "Close your eyes."
"Sorry." He muttered. I did the other one when the door opened. We both turned to see Catarina and Madzie.
"Madzie!" I smiled and knelt as she ran to hug me. Magnus went over to Catarina speaking with her.
"Lena's here," She smiled.
"How are you doing?" I asked. My hands adjusted her little jacket as she smiled.
"I'm good." She pushed her hair behind her shoulders.
"Thank you for this," Catarina smiled.
"When I get done with work today, I will come back and we can play Uno, okay?" I smiled as she nodded. I gave her another tight hug. "I'm leaving her with you Mag," I told him as I left the three of them in his flat.