LISA
Seoul August 2022
"I won't speak." Annoyed, the policeman puts his hand on his temple.
I'm in the police station. This room is bare and lifeless. The chair I'm sitting on is more than just uncomfortable. And even in August it's freezing cold in here. Sighing, I rub my hands warmly. A week has passed.
After staring silently as Jennie disappeared with her daughter, I called my parents. They immediately picked me up and comforted me. So much happened and it took me a long time to digest the events. People died. I rub my arms uncomfortably. I cried for dead souls for nights. Souls I didn't even know and now I'm sitting here talking about them?
It feels wrong to bring back these cruel memories, then be treated with indifference. I've only been back since yesterday. My mother had insisted that I stay longer, but I didn't want to.
"I just want to remind you that you agreed to cooperate a few minutes ago." I roll my eyes.
"I also asked for a glass of water. But you don't get everything you want."
"That's true but..." The policeman throws his pen on the table. I sigh, gritting my teeth. A little patience wouldn't hurt him...
"As long as it's Officer Kim I'm talking to." I reply with twitching eyelids.
"That's really childish." I hit the table.
"Childish? Did you pull those people out of a burning bakery? Did you have to see people being shot? Where were you anyway? Are you trying to tell me that no one in the area heard the shots? Seriously?" Fiery breath leaves my lips. My loud voice still echoes in the room and the police officer remains silent.
"You were way too late! If I hadn't found a solution, there would be over a dozen burned corpses lying on the ground. Plus that one child. So don't tell me what is and isn't childish. Do your job right for once and send Kim to me, damn it." My hands are shaking with anger. It's quiet for a few seconds.
It's childish that I don't laugh. He stands up with a sigh.
"As you wish." I nod tiredly. I just want some peace and quiet. The police officer leaves the room and for the next half hour I am alone, trapped in an endless loop of gunfire and black smoke.
The door opens. I stare at the table. I don't even dare to look up. Is this the time? Is everything changing now? I wonder how she's doing. How he's doing. How has she changed?
That day, I didn't get a chance to really look at her. I should look for her. I shake my head imperceptibly. Is she as surprised watching me as I am? My fingertips tingle.
Why am I so excited? It's probably not her.
I take a deep breath. What I do, it is not right. It's like my heart is back in the body of naive sixteen-year-old Lalisa. Her presence shouldn't upset me so much and yet I don't dare lay my eyes on her.
"Lalisa." Disappointment spreads through me and I bite my lip angrily. I look into pitch-black eyes.
"Jay." I greet him, clearing my throat. The tall man smiles gently at me.
Jay Kim. He is a commissioner, now 29 years old and single. He is also Jennie's older brother. His dark brown hair is slicked back and his tight black t-shirt is stretched over his biceps.
"You're not who I expected." I admit. Jay's eyes sparkle with slight amusement.
"My sister is busy." I suppress a snort.
"Of course she is." I simply reply and the corners of Jay's mouth twitch. It reminds me of her. It's almost funny. Jay and Jennie couldn't look and be more different but you can still find the similarities. You can tell they are siblings.
"How are you?" Jay slowly sits down in front of me and looks at me intently.
"Appropriate." I squeeze out gritting my teeth. It makes me angry that Jennie is avoiding me. A thing that Jay knows but conscientiously ignores. I scratch my cheek.
"You've grown." Jay's way of complimenting me. A blush forms on my cheeks. Our first meeting was unplanned and quite embarrassing for me.
On Jennie's 16th birthday, I wanted to sneak into her room at midnight. I did but then I ended up in the wrong room. It was really very unpleasant. I think he just remembered that too.
"You too ." An understatement. Jay has always been tall and broad. His authoritarian personality always intimidated me. I squint at the table. I couldn't look him in the eyes for a long time.
"Lalisa." I look up.
"Yes?"
"You're falling again." I smile.
I do it often. I fall into my thoughts, daydream and get lost there. My parents always said I fantasize too much. Jay was the first to call it the fall. I found this term calming. Unlike my parents, he had my case never ridiculed.
"I have to thank you." He says suddenly and my smile falls.
"That's not necessary." I have a lot of respect for Jay. He was like a big brother to me. The fact that he has to thank me feels wrong.
"Lalisa." He starts and I shake my head.
"It's not necessary." I repeat. He furrows his eyebrows.
"You saved my niece and I am in your debt for that." I hold my breath. Tears are forming in my eyes. I shake my head.
"I'm sorry, Jay." I hold my hand over my mouth, sniffling. I look down at my lap, blind with tears, and clench my hand. I hear a chair moving. I stifle a quiet sob. I have to pull myself together. A glass of water suddenly appears in my sight. I slowly look up and look into Jay's black eyes.
"Stop crying." I sniffle and gratefully accept the water. His slightly bossy manner reminds me of Jennie. Only Jay seems confused.
"I should have called you immediately." I murmur.
"Then Lili wouldn't have had to witness that. I gave her some food first and waited. It's my fault, Jay." I whisper. I hear him sigh thoughtfully.
"You're not to blame. Deep down you know that." I blink my tears away. "
"Is she okay?" I ask hoarsely and he nods.
"She has a really pretty name, don't you think?" A big smile comes to my lips.
"Indeed." I murmur. Jay's calm streak is a gift.
He was always the diplomat, the leader and the all-knowing. In contrast to Jay, Jennie was loud, brave and almost wild. If Jennie is a warrior, then Jay is the king he serves.
"I would like to ask you a few questions." I nod with a sigh. Jay sits down in front of me again and looks at his notebook.
"What else do you remember?" He asks me. The gentleness has disappeared from his face. Now the authoritarian commissioner sits in front of me. I swallow.
"Smoke." I murmur. My eyes were foggy. "There was black smoke everywhere. I often lost sight of Lili. Her sobs still echo in my ears." I close my eyes straining.
"Take your time." I nod tiredly.
"Screams."
"Please don't hurt me!"
Goosebumps form on my arms. The smell of burning flesh numbed my olfactory senses. I whimper.
"There was a woman, she was praying... she was shot." Jay nods.
"Do you know her name?" I shake my head
"I had fallen. For a moment." I admit weakly. "All I remember is trying to call the police but getting caught. I still remember those dead eyes that sparkled with such satisfaction. It satisfied them all. Their shadowy souls drowned in lust for the suffering of the innocent."
"Brave girl."
This one voice that resembled that of the devil. I wince. Images come into play off my head. Blood, fire, smoke. Shots, screams and sobs.
"Lalisa, calm down." I open my eyes abruptly.
"He had a tattoo. A scorpion." Jay blinks at me.
"At the wrist. It was a scorpion, I'm telling you!" I gasp. Why am I so out of breath? I rub my upper arms uncomfortably.
"They shot you, am I right?" I nod, swallowing.
"A glancing blow and a big cut. I'm still alive though." He nods and writes something down.
"Second degree burns?" I close my eyes. The smell of burnt skin is terrorizing and yet sobering. I nod slowly.
"You got 13 people out of a burning bakery. That's remarkable." I look tiredly into his eyes.
"Two people have died and 5 are in the hospital due to smoke inhalation." He is silent.
"They couldn't even be buried, Jay." Tears roll down mine attentively. "They will never be able to find peace."
"Lalisa..." I wipe my cheeks and sniffle quietly.
"They communicated in a different language. I think it was Arabic." Jay furrows his eyebrows. He simply accepts that I abruptly change the subject.
"How many men were there?" He asks me calmly and I blink thoughtfully.
"Three. They were very tall and all had guns in their hands." He nods and writes something down.
"Anything else important?" I shake my head. Meanwhile, I have forgotten many details. When I think about this event, only cruel images appear in my mind.
"Lisa." I look up into pitch black eyes.
"Yes?" He sighs.
"Is there someone in your life who might be targeting you?" I narrow my eyes.
"What does that mean?" Jay scratches his stubble and bites his lip.
"Someone who doesn't like you. Someone you don't get along with. Who may have threatened you?" I freeze.
An iron cold wets my skin. Suddenly I hear a soft moan in my ear. I feel a hand slide between my legs. Out of nowhere, I'm stuck in the soiled body. I'm stuck in the night, just as I'm stuck in his arms. I tense up.
"Lalisa?"
"You fucking bitch!" I flinch.
"No, there's no one." Jay raises an eyebrow suspiciously.
"I will find you. I know where you live, don't forget that."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, sure?"
I'm standing in front of the police station. A few minutes ago Jay said goodbye to me and now I'm alone again. I would love to just go back to my parents. I just feel uncomfortable here. I want to lock myself in my old childhood room and never come out again. Pulling out the utensils in my parents' kitchen and baking for them. I love baking. It is the only thing that gives me perfection. I can forget everything around me and just focus on the feeling of flour on my fingertips.
A dark cloud settles over my head. The thought of visiting my bakery turns my stomach.
Screams, shots and sobs. Suddenly my skin burns. Why is it burning? Is that smoke in my throat?
I take a deep breath and count to ten. My hands are shaking and images pop into my head. The sun dances on my skin and I calmly close my eyes. Sometimes you feel like it's the only thing that gives you peace. And sometimes that's what creates chaos in you. I had the privilege of just feeling the peace. I slowly open my eyes and see a little girl running towards me in big steps.
"Lalisa!" Narrow arms wrap tightly around my waist. Her narrow body squeezes against me and a sigh leaves my lips. My little Lili.
I return her hug firmly. Relief spreads through me.
"How are you?" I ask the little girl and her slowly pulls away from me.
"Good!" I am glad that she's doing well. I don't know what I would do if something happened to her. I smile warmly at her.
"Mommy brought me here to spend time with Uncle Jay."
My smile falls. Suddenly the atmosphere between us changes. The strong sun makes me sweat slightly and the wind stops blowing. My fingertips tingle. I feel her presence. How she comes closer and closer. Her footsteps vibrate on the floor and I take a deep breath. I look up and freeze. Green meets brown.
I'm caught up in the moment. Her presence takes all my breath away. My heart is raging many small electric shocks take place in my chest and in my stomach. Even after all these years, her presence still has such a strong effect on me.
My lips are incredibly dry, so I lick them wetly. Jennie's eyes blink down to my lips and back up again to me. They seem to radiate a shade darker. My hands are shaking slightly. What is happening to me?
My body is electrified. Every vein in me tingles and tugs. It longs for her tear thief. Goosebumps appear on my neck and my pulse races. My eyes wander over her dark brown hair. They are neatly combed back and only a single strand falls into her face.
My eyes wander over her full pink lips. I bite my own bottom lip. Her pointed nose and prominent jaw stand out so beautifully. There is a pronounced scar above her left eye, which she had as a small child. But now everything about her screams woman.
She has grown even more. Her shoulders are broader than they were when she was at school and there are tattoos in certain places on her skin. She has nice toned legs and I can't help but pinch myself. Jennie is an incredibly beautiful woman. Everything about her screams testosterone and sweat. But even in her empty eyes there is something youthful.
And again I recognize the big difference between the Kim siblings. And not without reason. They have the same father, but not the same mother. And this is always evident in Jennie's external features.
Lili pulls on my t-shirt and I quickly look back down at her. As if hypnotized, I rub my eyes lightly. My heart still hasn't calmed down.
"You weren't listening to me at all." She blinks at me reproachfully. I'm about to say something, but a deep and rough voice interrupts me.
"Lili, go upstairs, your uncle is waiting for you." Her voice is liquid gold that blesses my ears and yet there is something very hard about it. My knees go weak. My body is a traitor.
"But..." Lili looks up at her with wide eyes. Jennie's features soften. What a touching sight.
"Now." Her command brooks no contradiction. I smile at Lili.
"Go on! Your Uncle Jay told me how much he misses you." Lili's eyes light up.
"Really?" I nod in confirmation.
"But you wait here, I'll come back soon!" She orders me in her childish tone and yet I see the commonality with her mother. I salute and the little girl says goodbye in front of me, giggling.
"Lili, look forward!" She calls after her as she approaches the police station run away.
Now we are alone. Alone with ourselves. I am trapped in its atmosphere. I float between the light scent of her perfume and swim through the color of her eyes. We are trapped together and yet separated. I don't dare look her in the eyes again. It seems as if she feels the same way...
"You've changed." I blurt out. She really has. The light in her eyes has gone out. And it seems as if pure fire is tensing up inside her.
Back then I could erase it with my tears, but today it takes too much power. One step further and it would burn me. Jennie clears her throat. She avoids looking at me. She nods. Why can't she talk to me? I see her. God, I'm desperate.
"Lili is a beautiful girl. You raised her well." She snorts. This gesture takes me by surprise. She seems so tough and aggressive.
"If I had done one thing right in raising her, she wouldn't have been there. Save yourself your pity." Hurt, I take a step back. Some remorse flashes in Jennie's eyes, but in the blink of an eye there is only emptiness there again.
Anger flows through my blood. After everything that has happened, she hasn't grown? She hasn't changed at all. I swallow my anger. Sometimes it's better killing people quietly with kindness.
"She is a very brave girl. She is getting over it." Jennie crunches her fingers teeth.
"You don't even know her." I look at the floor. She isn't wrong. Why is there so much hate hidden inside her? What have I done to her?
"Jennie, six years have passed. We can't talk like normal people to each other?" I blink hopefully at her. Does she not have a heart? Has she really become heartless? What heart does she give to her partner and daughter?
"I haven't planned to exchange a single word with you in the meantime." My heart aches. Jennie clenches her hands into fists and tears form in my eyes.
"Stay away from my daughter. I don't want you to talk to her, especially not after that hug you gave her. Do you understand me?" She stands threateningly in front of me, but still keeps a certain distance. How can a person be so hated?
"What has become of you?" I whisper, close to tears, and she freezes for several seconds. Mixed emotions spread across her face. Regret, guilt, suffering and yet in the end hate wins.
She takes a threatening step closer to me. I step back, slightly frightened. She gets closer and closer to me and suddenly my back hits a lantern. I'm at her mercy. Her chest inches from mine and her body heat gives my skin waves of heat. Her eyes scream violence. She looks at me urgently.
"Do you understand me?" She is incredibly close to me. Her breath beats against my nose and my heart is roaring in my chest. I nod slightly, my mouth dry.
She looks into my eyes for a second. We both exhale loudly. It seems as if she wants to take a step closer to me, but then hse turns around abruptly.
I breathe out loudly, relieved. What was that? What am I doing here? Why did I want to see her so badly? What was I thinking?
My stupid and tear-blind heart couldn't help but beat with hope. I'm so stupid. She's a mother and she's fucking married! I have to pull myself together. I hold my hand to my chest. Being around her doesn't do me any good.
When I'm with her, I forget everything I've been telling myself for years. I need distance. She's right, I should stay away from Lili. No matter how much it hurts my heart.
I see Jennie walking towards the police station. There is a summer thunderstorm in it. She is caught up in a range of emotions. She's not the Jennie I once knew. She is no longer my tear thief.
I take a step forward and wipe my face. Suddenly I'm no longer confused by pleasure and pain. I am not blinded by old love. I see things more clearly. I know what really happened.
"I don't have a dad."
My eyes widen and I run after Jennie with big steps.
"Jennie!" She stops in the middle of the path. But she doesn't turn around. I'm panting out of breath. My fingertips are shaking and my neck is scratching.
"What happened to him? Where's Yuta?"
The world stops around us. I feel like the wind that has blown away our past, it blows back to us. Several seconds pass. No response, no movement, not even a twitch leaves Jennie's body. I bite my lip, overwhelmed. Very slowly Jennie turns around and I tense up. Pure shock is written all over her face.
"What?" I ask hoarsely.
"You don't know?" She states, perplexed. I take a step towards her with wide eyes.
"Yuta died five years ago."