Y/n didn't want to admit it, but she'd been avoiding Jean.
In the remaining time before the mission, she'd kept her distance at meals, training, studying and everything in between. It was hard, considering they were in the same friend group, but wasn't impossible. No one really questioned it, either, too busy preparing for their possible dooms. In that time, she'd tried to wrap her head around things.
Why her?
There were so many girls to choose from. Sasha, Mikasa, Christa — why didn't he like them? Why her? What was there in her to like? She didn't understand. She didn't understand how she felt around him, either. He was . . . Jean. Her best friend since she was a kid, a boy she can rely on for everything. She didn't understand what her feelings meant, if there were any in the first place. She didn't get the whole romance thing. There was no time to think about it now, to talk about it with someone, but it was the one constant thought in her mind.
It was the day of the operation — the first time they'd be going outside the wall. Y/n was placed in front of Jean within the formation and as they waited for the barriers to open, she could almost feel his stare on her back. She didn't turn around. It was awkward as it was.
She shook her head. There was no time to think about that now. They were lifting the gates.
The horses in front of them started moving and soon enough they were going through a town right outside of Wall Maria. It was abandoned after the attacks five years ago, ruins lay through the streets and vines climbed up the houses. To think Trost could've ended up the same. It was safe now, but it would take a while to fix all the damage, meaning her family and Jean's were staying at a refugee camp right at the entrance of Wall Rose, ready to go back as soon as possible.
''A 10-meter class approaching from ahead, on the left!'' Commander Hange yelled out.
Y/n looked at the titan, who was already being taken care of by two soldiers as the rest of the Survey Corps continued onward.
''Forward! Forward!''
After they made it out of the town, it was time to spread out and cover more ground. The commander gave the signal and people started breaking out. ''See you, Armin!'' Reiner called — he'd been riding next to Armin, Jean and Y/n — before he moved to join his flank.
''Don't wet yourself even if you run into a titan!'' Jean reminded him and followed Y/n as she started moving to their designated positions.
''Same to you!'' Armin yelled back.
Y/n and Jean started moving to the outer flank with their superiors simultaniously. Y/n looked at him, only to find him already looking at her; she gulped and yelled out, ''Don't become Titan brunch, Jean-Bo!'' If this was the last time they'd see each other, she didn't want to ignore him.
He didn't smile, nor did he frown, but he gave her a quick nod. ''You too!''
———
Y/n could feel sweat trickling down the side of her face as she rode her horse by herself, trying to keep up with her position. Her superior was gone, eaten along with his horse. The two had been on the most outer flank and Y/n had just barely managed to kill the titan due to shock, watching as her superior's single remaining leg fell out of the titan's mouth, the boot still on.
Don't throw up, don't throw up. Y/n kept repeating those words to herself, though she still kept imagining the sights she'd seen, which didn't help.
A strange color caught her attention from the corner of her eye — black smoke. Shit. An abnormal. How far is it? Y/n reloaded her smoke gun and fired up black smoke to pass on the message.
''Y/n!''
She looked back, seeing Jean trying to speed up his horse to catch up to her. She gulped, but tried to act normal. ''Jean? What're you doing here?''
''I saw the black signal. Came to check,'' Jean said. They rode side-by-side now. His eyebrows furrowed. ''Where's . . .?''
''Dead . . . You?''
''He's . . . too.''
They didn't need more than that. They had to start getting used to this lifestyle of constant fear and death. ''Right.''
The sound of something firing came from behind and Y/n looked back. ''Jean, look.'' Multiple yellow smoke signals were fired up, causing Y/n to shiver.
''Tch, I'll send one up, too,'' Jean said as he loaded up his gun.
Y/n looked ahead while he fired the smoke signal, noticing two more Scouts ahead. ''Is that . . . Armin and Reiner?''
The two caught up to Armin and Reiner, immediately exchanging intel about the wipeout of the right flank squad and how abnormal the titans were.
''That's the same direction she came from,'' Armin suddenly said. ''No way. Is she the one leading the titans there?''
''She?'' Y/n furrowed her eyebrows, looking over Jean to meet Armin's eyes. ''Who's she?''
''Why is a titan over there?'' Jean said and Y/n finally noticed the huge skinless titan running on front of them. She ran weird — or, well, normal; it was weird by titan standards. It was almost like how a human would run. She had blonde hair and her body was build of muscles. ''Is it an abnormal?''
''No, that's wrong. She's a human controlling a titan's body,'' Armin said. ''Someone with the same power as Eren.''
———
The four of them rode closer to the Female Titan, their hoods on their heads. According to Armin, she wouldn't attack if she didn't make sure the person wasn't Eren. If she was trying to capture him, she most likely wanted him alive and uninjured.
Y/n and Armin were spread out behind her, while Reiner and Jean rode on each of her sides, all four of them keeping their distance. Their plan was to try and distract her so they can win the formation some time.
She watched Jean, waiting until he triggered his wires to attack the Female Titan before she acted. She urged her horse to go faster as the Female Titan swung at Jean — Y/n triggered her own wires at that, catching a tree before launching herself towards the titan, hooking her wires to her abdomen. That seemed to catch the Female Titan's attention, because she faced Y/n now, the wind blowing her hood off. The titan swung down, hitting her horse, killing it instantly, then sent Armin and his horse flying.
''Armin!'' Y/n called, but she quickly snapped her head back to the Female Titan and dodged before she got sent flying.
Y/n fell — not so gracefully — on the ground, rolling a few times before getting up again. The Female Titan was crouching next to Armin now, who lay not too far from where Y/n was.
Jean yelled Armin's name before he tried to launch himself at the Female Titan again. Y/n used the distraction to connect her wires to the titan's neck. The titan's head snapped to Y/n just as she was nearing down her back, and the titan rose her hand, placing it right over the nape — covering it.
What the fuck? Y/n hung in the air, her eyes wide. What was she supposed to do now? Her wire was stuck under the titan's hand. The titan raised her fist, seemingly ready to pummel Y/n. No. I can't die here. There has to be a way out, right?
''Y/n! Avenge that reckless bastard!''
Armin's voice was faint as he yelled, but Y/n heard him — and so did the Female Titan. She halted her movements at once, as if she'd frozen. Y/n herself couldn't move. Why'd she stop?
''That's the one! That's the one that killed him! He really ended up dying on the right flank! Avenge that reckless idiot!'' Armin continued yelling.
Y/n snapped out of her trance and landed on the ground — Jean rushed over to her, escaping from the Female Titan himself. ''What the fuck is Armin talking about. Now isn't the time for this!'' Jean commented.
''It made her stop. Why did she stop?'' Y/n asked him, but received no answer.
Hooves hitting the ground came from the side and both of them watched as Reiner ran over to the Female Titan, putting his hood down. Jean called out to him, but Reiner ignored the call, triggering his wires to ledge them into the Female Titan's neck once again.
''He's going straight for the nape?'' Jean asked.
''She's still covering it, he can't break through,'' Y/n said.
''No, it might work,'' Jean said, both of them looking at Armin in the distance. ''Now that she's distracted by Armin!''
Just as Jean had said that, the Female Titan opened her hand and grabbed Reiner, closing her fist around him.
Y/n's blood ran cold and Jean let out a sound. ''H-Hey . . .''
''Is he . . .?'' Y/n let out a shaky breath. They couldn't exactly tell from the distance.
Then there was a pop and blood flew from between the titan's fingers.
''Oh my walls . . .'' Y/n's shaky hands flew to her mouth as Jean took a step back.
''Hey . . . Reiner, you . . .''
This couldn't be it, right? Reiner . . . couldn't be dead, right?
As if on cue, Reiner burst out from within the titan's fist, slashing off her fingers. Blood flew everywhere, but he was alive. He flew down to Armin, grabbed him and started running off. The Female Titan remained stunned, looking at her slashed hand.
''He did it!'' Y/n called, relief washing through her body.
''Yes!'' Jean cheered before he tugged on her arm. ''We gotta run! Come on!''
As they ran, Y/n looked back at the stunned titan for a moment before looking back at Jean. ''You think we bought them enough time?''
''I don't know, but there's nothing else we can do now!'' Jean said, though he didn't look back.
Y/n didn't look back to see the titan start running off again.
———
Jean whistled loudly as he stood on top of a small rock next to their only horse. Y/n sat on the grass, rolling a piece of grass between her fingers, waiting. The hope disappearing within her with every passing minute.
She, Jean, Reiner and Armin were stranded in the middle of nowhere with only one horse, which couldn't carry more than two people. Y/n and Armin's horses were dead, so their only hope was for Jean's horse to miraculously return, which was unlikely. Y/n knew the inevitable was coming, but she didn't know how the decision would go down.
Reiner and Armin were talking, but Y/n couldn't be bothered listening to them, wondering how the hell she'd gotten herself in such a situation. What possessed her to become a Scout again?
Jean finally stopped whistling, scoffing to himself. Y/n watched him as he stood watchign the horizon. She propped herself up and stopped for a moment. Should I really go talk to him? After I ditched him like that? After he confessed his deep feelings for me, no less? That was such a dick move. But she couldn't help it. She missed him. She stood up, dusting her pants as she walked over to him. She stood on his side, her arms crossed as she watched in the distance. ''Do you think this is hopeless?''
Jean dropped his hands, letting out a sigh. ''I don't know. But we can't afford to stay put for much longer.'' Y/n looked at him, seeing his Adam's apple bob as he gulped. ''At worst, two people will have to be left behind.''
Y/n nodded slowly. She was glad it wasn't as awkward as she anticipated. The two looked back, eyes falling on Armin and Reiner, who was bandaging his head. Y/n's voice dropped as she looked back at Jean. ''Who should be left behind, then?''
Jean spoke quietly, too. ''Armin's injured. Reiner might be too heavy for the horse . . .'' He trailed off, looking at Y/n. ''Or us.''
Y/n looked at the horse behind Jean, at Reiner and Armin, then back in the distance. Her voice remained low. ''We could . . . just go.''
Jean looked at her, pursing his lips. ''Y/n . . . we can't leave them.''
''Right,'' Y/n nodded, looking away. ''I know. Silly thought. It was a joke.'' Of course she would never leave her comrades behind, but a part of her, the selfish part, was ready to shove Jean on that horse and ride off in the sunset to safety.
Jean brought his fingers back to his mouth and started whistling again.
''It's regrettable, but it seems like two of us will have to stay here.'' Y/n and Jean's heads snapped back as they heard that. So Reiner had realized that, too.
''Wait!'' Armin said as he got up. ''Before that, let's fire a smoke signal. If the formation's going forward, Line 4-3 should be nearby.''
They did as Armin suggested, sending up a purple distress signal. ''It's a smoke for emergencies, but I don't think people will realize our predicament.'' Jean said as he walked off.
''Armin, we'll wait three more minutes,'' Reiner said. ''After that, we'll decide who stays.''
''I'll do it,'' Armin said with no hesitation, causing both Y/n and Reiner to widen their eyes. ''But in exchange, there's something I want you to report in my stead. If possible, to Commander Erwin alone.''
''No, Armin, report that yourself.'' The three looked over to Jean, who looked in the distance. ''Looks like someone's coming. With two horses, at that!''
Y/n's eyes widened. ''Is that Christa?''
''Guys! Are you okay?!"
''It's my horse!'' Jean said as Christa came to a halt along with the horses.
Y/n ran over to her friend. ''I don't think I've ever been happier to see you,'' Y/n said, her hands on her hips.
Christa gave her one of her Christa-smiles. ''Me, too Y/n. Are any of you hurt?''
Y/n nodded at Armin. ''Just Armin, but not too bad.''
''Woah, woah! Calm down, Buchwald!'' Jean called as his horse whined.
Y/n's head snapped to Jean, letting out a snort. ''You named your horse book forest?'' Her smile immediately disappeared, unsure if Jean and her were on such level to be joking around with each other right now.
Despite that, Jean scoffed. ''You don't need to read into the meaning. It sounds cool!''
Y/n grabbed the bait. ''That poor horse, stuck with that ridiculous name. You better not be making any children in the future.'' Jean looked away at that, not saying anything witty back, which made Y/n's stomach sink.
Everyone mounted their horses — everyone but Y/n. ''We're a horse short,'' Reiner pointed out. ''Who's Y/n riding with?''
''I can—''
''You can . . . ride with me,'' Jean said, looking down at her.
Y/n looked at him. His hand was extended out for her as he waited for her response; she hesitated, curisng at herself for feeling this awkward. ''Alright. Thanks, Jean.''
She climbed on the horse, wrapping her arms loosely around his waist. She felt horrible, having to put him in a position like that after she'd hurt him.
''You good?'' Jean asked, looking over his shoulder.
Y/n nodded. ''Yeah. Just don't do anything that might send me flying off.
''Right . . .''
Jean wasn't sure how to feel. Was he enjoying her hugging him like that? Hell yes. Was this weird? Maybe. But holy fuck. It wasn't like they'd never hugged before, but it made Jean feel giddy. Her whole front was pressed to his back. How couldn't he? Regardless, he was still hurt. He knew he couldn't blame her for not returning his feelings, but it didn't mean it hurt any less. Anyway, he'd rather have her on his horse and be sure she was okay rather than ignore her out of pettiness and shake in fear about where she was and if she was still alive.
They started moving and Y/n held onto him even tighter. She was holding onto him for dear life as they ran, the wind blowing her cape back. Jean's body warmth seeped onto her and he blocked most of the wind from her. This is nice, Y/n thought, feeling heat creeping up to her cheeks. Too nice, even. Isn't this like cuddling? Ew, I'm cuddling Jean's back. But . . . it's not that bad.
What are you doing to me, Jean-Bo?