LISA
Seoul August 2022
Shots. Screams. Blood.
A stabbing pain runs through my arm. Lili! My vision blurs. I feel liquid on my cheek. People scream. They cry and plead. More shots are fired. Is that blood? What's going on here? Have I died?
My ears feel so numb. Small hands clutch my stomach. Why is the ground wet? Why does my arm hurt so much? Why don't I see anything? Am I crying? I do not have power. I cannot move. I hear a loud sob.
"Do something!" One person shouts. My lips are numb.
"Lalisa?" This calming voice soothes me. What is she doing here?
I feel someone caressing my cheeks.
"You have to stay awake, Lalisa." I shake my head.
"I can't. I'm tired." I cry.
"Lalisa, she needs you." I furrow my eyebrows.
"Who needs me?"
"You have to stay awake, Lalisa."
"Where am I? Is it you?" I murmur. I feel her wiping away my tears.
"Is it you?" I repeat. No answer.
"Where are you, Lalisa?" I don't know it.
Where am I? What am I doing here? Why is she here? Is she okay? Did she come to protect me? Or did she come to save me? Am I dreaming? Is she real? Am I real? Am I alive?
"The bullet didn't hit you." Which bullet? What is she talking? I look down at my right arm. A deep cut adorns my skin. I start shaking.
"What is that?" I sob.
"You're fine, Lalisa." I squirm. Fear floods my body. Why do I feel so trapped?
"Everything's fine with you. It's nothing big."
"Then why does it look so big and ugly? I'm scared." She nods and strokes my cheek.
"I'll protect you." I shake my head.
She's lying! She'll just leave me again.
"She needs you, Lalisa."
"What about me? Don't I need anyone? Do I always have to do everything alone? That's not fair. I can't." I shake my head, whimpering.
"You can do it. You're strong, Lalisa." I am weak and powerless. I have no strength.
"I'm tired." Why can't I see her face?
"You're not tired. You're awake, Lalisa." How?
"But then why am I sleepy?" Her caresses seduce me to sleep. I feel a stabbing pain on my upper arm.
"Lalisa!"
What is happening here? Where am I? Is it you? What am I doing here? Why can't I see her? All these questions repeat themselves constantly in my head.
"She needs your help. She's just a child."
A child... a little girl? The girl with the green eyes... Lili?
"Lalisa!" My head snaps to the side.
"Lalisa!"
"I'm fine." I mumble. My eyes find the counter. I crouch behind it. How did I end up here? My head is pounding.
Lili sits next to me with teary eyes. How did she end up next to me? I hear someone say something on the floor. Anxious gasps fill the room. I avert my gaze and freeze. To my left, a man lies bleeding on the floor.
"I'm scared." The little girl is shaking. His eyes stare into space and blood flows from his ear.
Frightened, I cling to the little girl.
"Close your eyes and don't open them, alright?" I look into Lili's green eyes. "You don't leave this place, okay?" I order quietly. She nods, whimpering. They all scream.
"Get down, you bitch!" A masked man presses his rifle against a woman's forehead.
"Cover your ears." I whisper. Her hands are shaking uncontrollably. I hold my breath and take a quick look at the two other men.
"Please don't hurt me." The woman kneels down with her arms raised. She whimpers softly as the other man grabs her hair and pushes her down forcefully. I narrow my eyes. One man has a container in his hand and pours a liquid on the floor. Is that gasoline?
My eyes widen. We have to get out of this bakery.
My eyes wander to the floor. In the kitchen would also have to be tools. The phone! It lies next to the dead man, but also in perpetrators' field of vision.
I'll get there. I'll do it quickly, no one will notice. I crawl very quietly in the direction of the phone. Two more shots are fired and I flinch. Everyone screams. I count to three with my eyes closed. I have to do it, for Lili and the others. I breathe out deeply. Lili clutches her upper body in her hands and buries her head between her knees. I squint at the masked men. They discuss in a foreign language. I think they speak Arabic. I shake my head imperceptibly. I have to proceed carefully. The men aren't looking right now.
The one who walks around with the container full of gasoline disappeared into the kitchen. He's right behind me. I have to be quick. As long as the two of them are arguing, I can grab the phone and call the police.
Shouldn't it be on its way by now? I bite my lip. I don't know how much time has passed since the first bullet grazed my upper arm. I also don't know how I pulled Lili behind the counter. I don't know how many people are injured and how many others have died. How could I step away like that? And in such an important situation? I failed Lili. She is terribly afraid and instead of me holding her, I leave her behind. My fingernails scratch my knees. My lower lip trembles.
My breathing becomes more hectic and my pulse races. What am I doing here? Why is my heart beating so fast? Is this all my fault?
My eyes fall on Lili. She doesn't dare look up. I should go to her. The gasoline. I hear a woman praying quietly. She hopes for salvation and help. The loud and hideous deep voices of the men should drown out their quiet prayer but still it's the only thing that rings in my ears. She calms me down. The phone. I continue on my path.
The men are still discussing. I quietly crawl half a meter forward, making sure to be out of the radar of the alarming perpetrators. My eyes wander over the dead man. He was older than me. His blue eyes lack light and his lips are dry. On his left hand, on his ring finger, I see a wedding ring and I narrow my eyes. Why does it always only affect the wrong people?
I blink to the side. The phone is stuck between his thigh and the floor. It's heavy, it won't be easy to pull it out.
"What are you doing!" Someone shouts and I flinch. There's silence for several seconds. Heavy steps move forward and I close my eyes, panting. That's it. I see myself dying. I'm ready for my end in the face. Another shot rings out and everyone screams. I jump hard and I hear Lili scream.
"She didn't do anything to you. She was just praying." The man's sobs are pitiful.
Lili cries, air leaves my lungs. I'm fighting back tears. Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to suffer, experience something like that? Why did this woman have to die? Why the man? Why didn't I just close the bakery earlier? I should have gone with Sana. Then this would never have happened here, then I wouldn't have people on my conscience. I can't be responsible for the suffering of other people. I have to act, now! The phone.
With watery eyes, I quickly crawl towards the dead man. Finally, I grab the phone with one hand, but it's stuck. I pull on it hard. I hear a masked man shouting loudly in another language. My hands are sweating. I have to do this! It's my last chance! The masked perpetrator from the kitchen answers. I pull firmly on the phone. Tears are falling from my eyes. I can manage it! I inhale loudly and push his thigh to the side with my other hand. I gasp with difficulty. Was that too loud? I pull the phone out of his pocket and freeze. The phone rings.
It vibrates and rings loudly in my hand. Everyone is as quiet as a mouse. Not a sound leaves their lips. Lili has stopped crying and the masked perpetrators have stopped arguing. You don't hear anything at all, nothing except the falling of a match. That's it... this is the end. I didn't make it. My face is white and my legs are numb. I cannot move. I certainly can't answer it. Someone clicks their tongue. I am getting cold. Why can't I move?
"Brave girl." The man from the kitchen is standing in front of me.
Menacingly and with his legs spread. He leans down to me and sniffs my hair. I feel his breath on my shoulder and his eyes on my chest. The blood in my veins freezes and my heart rages. Tears roll down my cheeks. He looks at my phone and snatches it from my hand. I don't even recognize his eyes. But he recognizes my tears. He smiles. Such a devilish smile has branded my eyes. They leave wounds and create scars. Fire ignites, which will never stop burning.
"We have to go, now!" The others shouts. I wince. My heart is pounding and he stands up again. The man in front of me throws the phone to the wall, leaving it in a thousand pieces shattered. I can see a small tattoo on his wrist. Is that an animal?
"Out!" The other man orders.
The perpetrators run out with just a few steps. There is an audible noise. It smokes. Why is it smoking? I see people running to the door. The smoke rises and I cover Lili's nose. She coughs into my hand and my heart clenches. She is so young and has to experience something like this.
"No!" A woman shouts.
"They're locking it! Let us out!" A man bangs hard on the door and coughs. My head snaps to the door. It is barricaded with chains. Fear creeps into my body. Smoke spreads throughout the room. Lili whines.
"You have to get up, Lili." She shakes her head. I press my lips together in desperation. Everyone is crying and screaming. I grab a kitchen towel and tie it around her as a mask. I see large flames coming from the kitchen. We have to get here out! I pick Lili up in one move and bring her to the door.
"Please take care of her." I ask a woman who nods, coughing. The fire continues to spread.
People are punching, punching and kicking the doors and windows. Nothing breaks. People are becoming afraid, they are becoming more brutal. They push each other to the side and pull on each other. Some fall over. I cannot breathe. The tools. There would have to be a hammer in the kitchen. The kitchen which is on fire.
"I'm coming right away." I say to Lili and she sobs.
"Don't leave me alone!" She cries and my heart skips a beat.
"She's just a child, she needs you."
I look into her green eyes one last time and then run towards the fire.
My hammer is in the drawer under the sink. It's pure luck that it isn't covered in flames. I hold my arm in front of my nose and pad forward slightly. One wrong move and I'll catch fire. My vision is foggy, as are my airways. Every other second I cough up smoke and breathe smoke back in. I have to do this.
"She needs you, Lalisa."
Fearfully, I take another step forward. My foot stands between fiery gasoline and dry ground. I hiss as a flame touches my hip. A searing pain dances on my hip and my body lacks a stabilizing posture. I bite my lip hard, drawing blood. I quickly find my footing and take a deep breath. I cough into the crook of my arm and limp forward another step. I am almost there! I can do this. I can do it.
"I want to get out of here!" A woman screams and I close my eyes. Suffering and fear overwhelms this place that was once intended for harmony. In small steps I continue to walk forwards. Only a few more steps. There is the drawer, I just have to open it. My body is shaking. Is that adrenaline? I suddenly open the drawer, which sparks new flames, and I quickly grab the hammer.
Another flame hits my uninjured upper arm and I scream. My legs are wobbling and my mouth is dry. I can't see anything! A mixture of colors of orange, yellow and blue clouds my vision. It brands itself in my soul. I take several steps backwards. The fire has now spread to the counter and in the direction of the door. Tears roll down my cheeks and without wasting another second, I run. I run through flames and smoke, through fire and fog. I can do it! I arrive at the large window.
"Help!" A man shouts. Lili has buried her head in the crook of the now almost unconscious woman's neck.
"Move aside!" I shout in a scratchy voice. A couple people step frantically to the side and I hit the window whereupon it breaks into a thousand pieces. Shards fly through area and oxygen gets back in our lungs. The fire ignites and spreads expands further.
"Out! Everyone out!" A man takes off his jacket and puts it over the shards.
"The child first!" I scream and a couple nod. I pull Lili out of her grasp and she blinks red eyes at me.
"You have to be strong now and climb for me. Can you do that?" She nods, sniffling.
I kiss her forehead and stroke her hair for the last time. Then I help her up onto the platform. She climbs a little unsteadily over the window and lands with both feet on the floor. From afar I hear sirens. One after the other climbs out through the window. The ones who are too weak. I help them. I'm the last one to leave my bakery. Fresh air hits my skin. I limp forward and wipe my forehead. An ambulance came and the fire department is there too. The police also joined us. People are treated and questioned. I lean tiredly against a lantern and feel someone throw themselves at me.
"Lisa!" The little girl wraps her arms around my waist and I hug her back tightly.
She's fine and that's why I'm fine too. I close my eyes calmly and pull her closer to me. Lili starts to sob and I rub her back gently.
"It's okay, you're fine. No one can hurt you. I'll protect you." She sniffles loudly and I feel her tears on my shirt. The poor girl is traumatized for life. That's all of us. I have to support her, help her overcome this. Tired, I lean back further. I am very exhausted. I do not have any strength anymore.
"I'll protect you."
Green eyes flicker in my thoughts. They are harder than Lili's but just as soft.
Did she do it? Protected me? Is she the reason I'm still alive?
I slowly open my eyes. They all stare into space. They are all broken and injured. The people who died, their suffering and their screams. They take it upon themselves. They internalize them and carry them around in their souls. Every tear is dedicated to them. Every smile to the survivors. I hope they find peace. All of them.
I hope suffering doesn't triumph over happiness. These people didn't take away our smiles. They didn't steal it. They wiped it away and we have a chance to paint it again. But that takes time and energy. And we don't have that right now. We only have ourselves and what is happening. But we will heal because our soul heals the wounds that have left scars in our hearts.
A police car stops sharply. A man and a women get out and walk towards us. My eyes are still blinded by tears. Murmurs can be heard. I can't see much. I hear the fire department get out their hoses and a woman yelling loudly. She shouts a name. I stroke Lili's head and let my own hang. I hear big, fast footsteps that are getting closer and closer to us.
"Lalisa!"
I freeze. This voice... I recognize it from anywhere. Those syllables that escape her lips, they are so familiar to me. The melody of her voice, which marked itself in my heart and composed a song from it. Every sound that leaves her tongue forms tears. My head snaps up.
Green meets brown. These eyes protected me. They made me cry and always managed to get a smile out of me. This particular green was immortalized on my brain. I could never forget those eyes. Its importance would never be lost on me. The world around me stops. My heart stops beating and my body freezes...
"Is it you?"
It's her. My tear thief.
"Jennie." I whisper hoarsely.
The wind stops blowing and the sun stops shining. The birds no longer chirp and the people around us fall silent.
"Mommy!" The little girl in my arms breaks away and runs towards her. She hugs her hard and she returns her hug firmly. Relief spreads across her face.
"Lalisa, are you okay?" The little girl nods, sniffling, and she exhales loudly. "Don't ever do that again, okay? Never leave school again without letting someone know. I was worried about you, sweetie." She starts crying bitterly. Her mother slowly strokes her head. My eyes widen.
It's the irony that tricks you. It makes you do the most extraordinary things. It was fate that made me bring a child back to her mother. Back to my tear thief.
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A/N: How do you like it so far? Let me know by commenting and also if I should continue or not!