-Diana's POV-
Natalie gets home at eight. Almost four hours later than she usual is. I haven't gotten up today, I've been sleeping or crying—or staring at the wall.
The bedroom door opens and I don't look to it.
"I brought home food, it's downstairs if you want it." She says, harshly, like she's pissed off to even say it.
The bedroom door shuts and I pull the blanket over my head as I begin crying again while I curl into a ball.
✺
Natalie didn't even bother asking where I was going when I left, she didn't even look at me. It's been two days since we've spoken. I'm so upset about it—I want to talk to her but I don't feel like she wants to talk to me. So we're just living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed without communicating really.
I walk up to the cafe, stepping inside. I look around noticing Arabella sitting at a table already. I walk over smiling at her.
"Hello, hello, hello." She stands.
"Hi, Bella." I smile wider as she pulls me into a hug.
"How are you doing?" She pulls back looking at me, I look back at her as I keep smiling.
"I'm doing okay, how are you?" I ask and she sits down at a table, motioning to the other chair. I pull it out before sitting down.
"I'm great, really. When Floyd told me about you searching for a job, I picked up my phone and messaged you right away." She smiles and I laugh.
"Thank you."
"No, no, it's my pleasure. I would have been stuck with an Assistant hired by Victoria otherwise and she isn't the best for that kind of stuff." Arabella's eyes widen slightly and I rest my hands on my lap, trying to stop my bouncing knee.
"Yeah—Could you tell me more of what I would be doing?" I ask and she nods.
"Of course. You will be managing my meetings, assisting me with photoshoots, speaking with designers...I'm a fashion director so I do have to come up with new ideas, so you will help me out with that too such as..doing research about the latest trends. There's a lot, but you will mostly be by my side, so we will be there for each other and I can help you if you're a little confused." She says and I nod.
"Okay, that's fine." I nod again, forcing my leg to stop bouncing.
"I do have some questions for you since I do actually have to interview you, this is a little messy so just bare with me." She laughs picking up her bag. I simply smile looking around the cafe.
"Well, to start with, let's discuss goals. What are your goals? It can be career goals or just personal ones, whatever you feel most comfortable with responding to." Arabella pulls out a folder from her bag before setting the bag back down by her chair.
I think for a moment, looking at her as I press my lips together. I open my mouth to speak before closing it again.
I feel my face heating out of embarrassment. What are my goals?
"Diana, take your time, I'm in no rush." Arabella smiles at me, I look at her, lifting my shoulders embarrassed. I've blown it in two minutes.
"I'm sorry." I say and she shakes her head quickly.
"You're nervous, I can hear your shoe tapping against the floor. So, let's both take a breath, okay? Then, you can take a moment and think about your answer because I'm not rushing, I want your most honest and thought out answer." She tells me and I nod quickly, she takes a breath in and I copy her. She lets it out, I do too.
I stop bouncing my leg as I look to the table, letting my mind think more about the question. My goals. I wish Natalie knew about this, she would have been able to go over interview questions with me—she would help me with a good answer.
I mean my goals were to get into Yale, become a lawyer and help people, help people get out of a marriage, whether it's just because the two have fallen out of love or because something had happened. I wanted to help kids get out of bad situations they had to live with, help them get away from a bad home, help the right parent get custody.
Since I dropped out because of everything, I've taken it as me failing. I don't have goals, I haven't thought about them.
"My goal is to be successful? I want to do whatever path I take the best I can, I want to do it with as much effort as I possible can put into it. I don't give up so easily—not a lot at least, I like to work at things—I like to figure it out. I'm creative most of the time, I have a bunch of ideas that could come in handy. I think that I can be successful within the company, I can give my best ideas and if you don't like them—I won't give up, I'll restart and try again." I say and Arabella smiles nodding.
"Great answer...I think you answer the 'why should I hire you?' question with that too so we can skip that." She laughs and I do too, nervously as I wipe my sweaty hands off my jeans. She's cutting off questions—she probably doesn't want to see me stutter and shift for much longer...
"What are your strengths and weaknesses?" She asks and I take a breath in.
"My strength would be...I'm collaborative, I think I prefer working with people rather than on my own, I second guess myself a lot which is probably my weakness so I think working along side you and maybe others will ease my anxiety." I speak and she nods smiling, relaxing my nerves a little.
"What is an experience you had where you felt like you failed?" She questions and I let out a breath looking at the table. I move my hands beneath my thighs so I stop wiping them.
"My first year of college, I constantly tried making friends but I could never get myself to go up to others since I get nervous about that. I tried a couple of times and each time I stuttered or stopped on my way, it always felt like a fail. I felt like a failure and a loser."
"How did you overcome that feeling?"
"I called my girlfriend and my best friend and told them I made a friend when I gave someone a pen—they never gave it back to me and it was actually a really good pen, it was quite upsetting actually..." I smile and Arabella laughs, she blocks her mouth for a second. Okay...this isn't so bad.
"I'll ask one more question and I'll leave it there, where do you see yourself in five years?" Arabella asks and I drop my shoulders.
Working for her? That would be a great sucking up answer but I don't know if I do see that. I don't know about my future.
Married? Kids—no Natalie and I don't want them—but that was said at the start of our relationship...Me and Natalie aren't even on speaking terms. She won't speak to me since Josephine kissed me, god I hate that she did that still—I didn't want that kiss and I hate that Natalie even second guessing if I did because I really didn't. I didn't want her to do it but she did anyway.
"Diana?" Arabella says and I lift my head.
"Sorry—Um...I don't really know. I can sort of see myself being married—I can imagine myself having a child maybe? Not here, somewhere quiet. Maybe a farm—with apple trees because I love apples, maybe some horses and little lamb because they're adorable. A nice life in a beautiful spot, the kind of house that has a deck outside with a rocking chair where I could sit and read with Natalie while watching the sunset—I can imagine a little kid running around the grass in little dungarees." I smile and Arabella smiles widely listening to me. I breathe out, imagining me sitting on Natalie's lap in a rocking chair, her holding a book as we both read it. I can imagine a kid—us having one or even adopting.
"That's beautiful, Diana." Arabella tells me.
"It's just a dream, one that definitely wouldn't happen in five years. Maybe it won't happen at all." I shrug and Arabella picks up her bag again.
"Definitely not with that attitude, Diana, if you want to be hired and work along side me, I need positivity. I need self belief, not you constantly saying 'I think' or 'maybe', confidence is key and your dreams will only come true if you believe in them." Arabella looks at me and I look back at her, I tilt my head a little.
"You and Floyd are really alike." I speak and she smiles at me, tucking some of her brown curls behind her ear.
"Thank you, Diana."
"No, thank you. You and Floyd have cheered me up not once but twice this week now." I say and she looks at me.
"Diana...I honestly view you as the daughter I never had, I care for you more than you think and Floyd did discuss your conversation with me while telling me about you looking for a job. You are one of the most kind hearted girl I have met, I wish nothing but happiness for you because if anyone deserves it. It's you." She says and I pull my hands from beneath me, wiping them quickly. I keep looking at her as my heart races, she views me as a daughter? She really—genuinely cares about me?
"You are too nice." I breathe in looking away.
"No I am not, I told you I care for you. You stayed with us for only a short while and you constantly thought of yourself as a burden in our house when in reality, it was an absolute pleasure having you there. It was strange, but I think we all clicked. Sometimes you find family, not by blood but something stronger than it." Arabella says, my heart jumps a little as I look to her again.
"You really see me as family?"
"Yes, of course I do. I constantly want to message you but I'm afraid of annoying you, Theo is always asking about you too." She smiles at me, I smile back.
"I want to hug you." I say and she stands still smiling, I get up quickly hugging her and she laughs hugging me back.
"You're hired by the way—oh, I do have a question." She says and I pull back looking at her.
"Yeah?"
"There's a fashion show Monday which I must attend, it's only a couple of hours away so not anything too big. But I was wondering if you would like to attend it with me, Victoria will be there of course."
"The ceo?" I ask and she nods.
"Um—yeah, sure, why not." I shrug and she smiles at me.
"We will be leaving tomorrow morning, we have a lot to do before hand, including getting outfits—"
"Oh, I can bring something from home." I say.
"No, don't worry about the cost. Victoria has everything covered. You will have your own hotel room and everything." She smiles at me and I nod.
"Oh—okay." I say.
✺
I get home kind of late since I decided to stop by Janes to tell her about me getting a job and we talked about Natalie and me a little. She tried to bring up Charlie but I went searching for Sadie to get out of it.
I did take my record player that hasn't been used in over two years now and some records.
I put the bag with those down by the door as I shut it, the house is mostly quiet but I can hear the tv playing in the living room meaning Natalie's in there. I want to tell her about my job—I want to hear her say she's proud of me and kiss my forehead.
I walk over to the door, I push it open before step a foot inside while still holding the door, I spot not only Natalie...but Tatum sitting on the couch as well. Both of them holding a beer.
"Hey Blondie. Long time no see." Tatum winks at me, grinning like usual—Why is she here? They're not supposed to be friends.
Natalie glances over, she doesn't even know I had a job interview because I didn't get the opportunity to tell her, we haven't spoken in the last two days. Just living together and sleeping in the same bed, facing away from each other. Nobody would even know we were engaged.
What does she want me to do for her to speak to me—how can she be mad at me while sitting next to a woman who lied to her for years.
"Wow." I let out glancing to Natalie, I step away from the door and I hear her sighing. She's annoyed—at me for being surprised. Tatum was sleeping Natalie's wife for god only knows how long—but no—Natalie's mad at me. The woman who she's supposed to be marrying—the one who pulled back from a kiss because I only want to kiss Natalie.
I grab the bag by the door before I walk over to the stairs, I hear the living room door shutting, she's following after me.
Maybe we can finally talk this out instead of me crying myself to sleep tonight because she won't even sleep facing me—I feel guilty—does she not understand that? But why am I to blame for being kissed when I didn't want to be. I didn't expect it—maybe I should have paid more attention so it is somewhat my fault...
I walk to our bedroom, pushing the door open with too much force—it hits the wall almost shutting on her, I throw the bag down on the bed.
"Diana." She says my name, finally.
"What?" I ask glancing back at her, it comes out more harshly than intended—I'm just a little mad because she's mad at me but she's sitting and watching tv with a woman who has betrayed her more times than I can count.
"Don't speak to me like that." She responds and I walk over to the closet, I need to pack for tomorrow.
"Oh, I'm sorry." I huff.
"Yes, you should be for the shit you done."
"What did I do? What did I actually do to hurt you? I didn't ask her to kiss me, I didn't want to be kissed, Natalie! She just did it! Why am I being blamed for it? Why are you blaming me for something I didn't ask for?" I kneel down, looking to her as I yell. I can already feel the tears swelling my eyes as I grab a bag.
"I don't care about that anymore—I'm not angry about that. I'm angry at you because you let me get in that shower with you and touch me while knowing you were keeping it from me! You asked me to kiss you over and over knowing that she did it and I didn't know about it!"
"I told you about it!"
"Not before getting a quick fuck in there."
"Because I thought you were going to dump me!" I look to her and she shakes her head at me.
"So you decided to have sex with me? That's the last thing you would want because us breaking up?" She questions and I furrow my eyebrows, of course not. I search her eyes but she raises her eyebrows waiting for a response.
"No—"
"Yes, Diana, it is." She cuts me off, the last thing I wanted to do is cuddle, watch a movie, bake cookies or something but I think I would die holding a secret whilst doing those. I should have told her right away but I wanted to feel her love once more—I didn't see it as fucking—I saw it as making love which is cringy, yes, but that's what it was.
"You don't understand—"
"Clearly you don't either." She laughs, at me, it makes me feel small...and stupid at how harsh she's speaking to me.
"Okay—just stop." I whisper.
"Why? You're just going to leave now?" I look at her, her eyes look...a little sad, the rest of her face not saying much just her eyes, the part of her face I adore the most and her nose—her lips too—besides the point.
"What—I'm not leaving—"
"Then why are you packing shit?" She cuts me off, looking at me—it's a nasty look she gives me—making me feel worse again. I don't think she's realising how much she's hurting my feelings when she usually looks at me with admiration and—pure love.
"Because I got a job, Natalie. At Vivir, I'm Arabella's assistant and there's a fashion show Monday, I'm going tomorrow and I'll be back Tuesday." I sniffle as some tears fall—I'm being a crybaby now, but I hate how she's speaking to me, I really really hate it. I want her to kiss me, to cuddle me and leave a heart on her notes in the morning because we never argue like this—ever, we always make up right away. In the last two years of us being together, we've never not spoken in two days and been angry like this.
"Great for you, excellent." She comments and I look up at her, I blink away the tears glancing away before looking back to her.
She gives me a cold look—it's weak because her eyes still sparkle and her pupils are a little big. She breaks looking away and I sniffle going back to my bag.
"Snow!" I hear Tatum shouting up for Natalie, I glance to her and she bites her lip looking away from me.
She walks away.
I begin crying more as she does, blocking my mouth since she left me to cry in our closet instead of speaking with me—working this—us out.
Why can't she forgive me for something I didn't ask for? I kept it from her because I was in shock—I slapped Josephine without even meaning to. My first thought when Josephine kissed me was Natalie. She's always first in my life.
I always fall asleep to her whispering sweet things into my ear making me feel so much love, now it's nothing. She won't even speak to me without making me feel small and stupid.
All because I was afraid of losing her so I kept a secret for awhile.
A/n
I'm sorry. But at least I posted two chapters today and I will try to post as much as I can over the christmas break. (After next week)
Seasonal depression is also hitting so Phoebe Bridgers is on repeat and I keep writing devastating chapters to cope with my problems...so oops on that. 👀👀
There may be a happy chapter soon or more devastating ones...Who knows 🤷♀️
Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!
🫶